Grace, Faith, and Hope

These three are confusing sometimes...but for me, I would like to think of them as parts in my life.

Grace: The Past. We trust that God has promised to forgive our transgressions in the past, and our burdens have fallen off our backs.

Faith: The Present. We trust God to be with us as we walk in our faith, and that he will protect us and help us achieve our walk now.

Hope: The Future. We trust that God knows what is best for us in the future, the future that we have little control over and is fearfully ambiguous.

Random Bloggings

I have noticed that people blog more during certain circumstances. Usually this involves times of stress and loneliness.

Anyways...

With the onset of many girls asking me many personal questions (for bro-sis of course), and with the general atmosphere of the event, I have come to realize a few facts about myself as well. Though I do find it curious how many girls I've actually met on the bro-sis list, it was also very painful that I was unable to confidently say I knew many of them well. Actually, by my own definition of "knowing a girl well," I found that I knew none of them well. But what is the social definition of "knowing a girl well" anyways? Anyways, all it means is I should start finding out what the other half of the human race has to share and offer to me. Fear, be gone!

I should trust people more. I remember, back in the day, when I was one of the most open persons around. I would think highly of everyone, and entrust my time, energy, and care into basically everyone I met. I also remember how much trouble my trust caused: bringing strangers into my house, only to find out they been stealing money and valuables, failing projects and reports because my partner was unreliable, being mentally and physically destroyed when best friends blindly break away all ties. Maybe this is the reason I'm so bitter against California, and yet feel kind of attached to it. My past...need to throw it away and start anew, with the chance I have been given.

One of the most motivating things anyone have ever told me was my ability to make friends and care for the underdog. A good friend pointed out that the reason why he respected me so much was my ability to approach him so many years ago and boldly say "I think we should be friends." I actually don't remember that moment, nor did I even fathom the enormous impact that had on his life, but now I feel like my calling is becoming more and more clear. I was glad that someone (multiple people over the last semester) could come to me and say "please bring me into ACF, I want to know them more." I remember my years as a freshmen, I would wish people would say that to me, and come to me, intentionally, to bring me in. That never happened, and I was heartbroken. Sophomore year, my fellow spiritual conversationalists encouraged me to pursue once again ACF. It is most curious how much ACF fights with bandminton for people. The number one reason why I didn't join ACF was because of that sport, a sport I couldn't even spell at the time, nor play, nor even seen anyone play in real life. I guess...I'm a little deprived living in suburban Kansas City where no one plays it. Being reminded of how much I have touched people in the past, and how much of a leadership role I have played back in the day, has brought back some confidence that was lost somewhere in the maze of life.

I should try to play some piano again. I should practice again. My fingers are rusty, and my bitterness is gone. I think it is time to start up again, no? Practice them scales...where's my black book when I need it?

I think I have made it a pastime to read other people's blogs. Is it a way to get to know them better? Is it a way to care for them more, to see their words strewn upon the computer screen? Or is it just another way of technology simplifying and replacing real relationships. I have found that a lot of my time is spent talking to people on skype, MSN, and gtalk. I also remember saying many years ago that I would never use these things. What has changed? And can real relationships really form from these "instant messaging" clients? Is speed the key to the game nowadays, where information transfer is important to win the race to success? I theorize what the world would look like if one day the internet was shut down. For just one day, would the world be thrown into chaos and be unveiled to be the needy and dependent society it really is?

It is interesting how much "cancer" can affect one's life. Not only was I a twin to cancer, but this disease has plagued my entire childhood (not directly fyi). Maybe it is the reason why my childhood was a bit different from other people. Well that doesn't matter anymore, as one's childhood plays a minor role in who a person is now. Debate me one this if you want, I will probably lose. But what brought this up was the introduction of Relay For Life into my life. It is a curious thought why I have never joined a team in high school or the two years of college. Very curious indeed. I don't have a coherent reasoning, but it probably goes back to my bitterness. Funny how everything goes back to it. Meh. Now that it is gone, a friend encouraged me to join Relay For Life to reflect the suffering I've had to endure because of it and take action to help others and prevent it in the future. I was taken aback when I get emails from people I know personally doing Relay For Life and have people in their families who are suffering from cancer. It tears me apart inside, knowing that I have been ignoring this part of my life for so long. I will see what I can do. As a BME, this is one course of option, though I have never considered it, that I can take in the future.

What started from a break from researching for my ethics debate turned into a outpouring of my heart. I do not believe that I write these blogs with my readers in mind, as I know they are few, but I wish I could be more honest in face-to-face conversations and do not have to rely on the internet to share my feelings. The true ones, I still keep hidden.

Edit: One of the most painful moments in life is worrying whether a loved one is going to live or die. When those moments happen to people around me that I care about (which should be everyone), I want to do everything I can for them.

Double Courts

I am playing ball on two different courts.

I am part of two different teams. I have sweated water and blood with them during training, and have been through the victories and the losses. They are my friends, and they are my family.

But I have missed important matches for both. I would be at one game: playing the key person, making the calls. That day would be a victory for us. The other team lost that day because of my absence.

For most of the season, the matches for both teams usually don't coincide. When they do, I make a calculated judgment call on which team needs me more. I have been wrong many times, and each time, I bring shame to my team, my teammates, and myself.

When the time comes, which the two teams play each other, will I have to choose a side?

The Asian Community

When you think of Asian parents and the Asian community, you think about grades. You think about how parents push their kids to do well in school, pursue high demanding career options, and be successful at everything they do. Then you then see broken families. You see that this pursuit ends up destroying the child's ability to love. Due to the time and energy spent on the future, the sense of community and serving others is lost. The pursuit of self-interest overrides the sense of caring. Though the end result is for good, like creating a good foundation for the next generation and filial piety, the means to reach this goal ends up destroying the moral values it is founded upon. The child becomes distant to the parents. Parents fight and worry over the child's future. The struggle for control ensues, and the faith and love that once held the family is lost.

Parents should give their child up to God. Isn't that what child baptism is for? Isn't that what trust and hope is for? Encourage the child to find fellowship. Encourage the child to pursue serving the Heavenly Father. God has promised that he will protect the child. God has promised he will bless the child with wisdom and riches. When the child finds fellowship, the child will find support, encouragement, and love. These will help the child be successful in life. The child's grades will reflect his or her heart, and so will his or her social standing. Isn't this the end goal? But the child will have received so much more.

The family that grows out of God's love will be blessed beyond what our minds can comprehend. Trust in the lord with all your heart...and he will direct your path.

I'm going to lead an iGIG this summer. End of question.

Me and my GPS...Sheila

So some people know that i have a GPS. Some people know i have named it Sheila, who has a English accent...most of the time.

So some funny jokes cuz we have a love-hate relationships:

• Sheila leads me on, only to dump me in a foreign place.
• Sheila can't stop telling me what to do.
• Sheila thinks she's a better driver than me...which is obviously not true.
• Shiela wants me to cross rivers, lakes, and oceans for her.
• Sheila speaks in a different language when she doesn't want me to know something i really want to know.
• When Sheila is happy, she speaks Africaan. Drives me nuts.
• Sheila and I take long drives during the night together. Sooo romantic.
• Sheila points out the obvious, especially in places I've driven for years.
• Alter-ego = Sheilo
  

More will come later as funnier (more funny?) things happen.

First Week Back

Goodbyes, crying, hugging, Hope.

Arrivals, laughter, catching up, fellowship.

Willpower, firmness, calling, focus.

Emotions, fickleness, laziness, gone.

後會有期: Where there is a will, there is a way...right?

Remember September 8, 2008.

Remember October 30, 2009.

"Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling, but an act of the will." - John Eldredge

“Don’t wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving; you will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice of forgiveness is made." ~Neil Anderson

That way is God

I'm quiet because i don't know what to say.
I'm serious because that's the only topic i know.
What else are you going to get out of my mouth?

Thanksgiving

The story behind this organ: I cannot remember the last time it was played. It must have been over 15 years ago. I remember who did used to play it though, he is in China now, and i can remember vaguely its soft sound. I asked the people around me, "do you remember when it was last played?" They told me, "never in the time i have been here, no." It made me realize how long i've been at this church, this place, this "location." But has it always been my home? (one day i will kindly ask for the key to the organ, and maybe play a few hymns on it).



I look at the upcoming generation. How young and innocent they are. Will the be prepared enough for the trials and tribulations to come? I hope so. I pray for their sake, for they will inherit the will of God as the next generation. I pray they will not be sucked up in the void that is the world. Already the battle has begun.



I look at some of the guys i have led these past years. Some i have worked with for years, some only recently came to our church so my role in their life is minimal, but still there. I hope they can each find a wonderful fellowship at the college they are at or soon will be. I hope i have been a good role model for them. I am glad i was able to hide my depression from them and keep a cheerful face. I am glad to have been able to teach them, and help them in their walk with God.



Food...self explanatory. This was only the first round, but i could not take anymore pictures as i was serving the foodz. Plus MOMMY!

Too bad i didn't get to eat most of the items here...



The empty pulpit. I wonder why i took this picture? Am i going for the pulpit as a symbol, or the emptiness as a symbol?

In the end, i manage to not have my prayer answered by God, the one prayer request i have had since the beginning of the semester. Maybe it is too early and my heart is not in the right place, regardless of what everyone who truly cares for me tells me. The theme of "never had the chance" seems to plague my life, and i guess there is nothing i can do about it right now. I should focus of what i am thankful for, not what i am not.

I have asked it multiple times, but i'll ask again. Pray for me.

Home is where the Heart is

I am appalled by how much i have regressed.

I forgot the key thing: God's love has been one-sided for a long time.

Then why do i need fellowship? And is my heart there?
Is this a decision i can make, a judgment call i can make without fooling myself?
Am i even allowed to bring others in, when i dont think i have a membership card yet?
And do i have any right at all to be jealous of others...those i bring who are readily accepted yet i am denied?
No

Where is my resolve now...

Now the biggest question is: is it more painful to have had and lost or never to have had before?

Edit: a friend's answer = true love hurts. A defining characteristic.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

"LOVE is something you DO, not FEEL"

is there anything to be thankful about?

hmmmmm i guess im only good at encouraging others, but not others to me. same old same old, and i hate facebook with a passion!

Repost #1:
God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow or sun without rain.
But God did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears and a light for the way.
And for all who believe in His kingdom of love,
He answers their faith with peace from above.

(miss my dog...will be back soon!)

Repost #2:
Romans 5:3-4
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Repost #3:
Forgive - Forgiveness is a wonderful way to release the past and to love unconditionally. Drawing a line behind you, you can free yourself of limitations and be at peace with the process of life. Move forward to new beginnings.

Repost #4: "...I am still plagued by broken promises and misunderstandings..."

Repost #5:
There is always hope.

edit: Well...the time has come for reconciliation. Will i be man enough to do it? Will i finally escape 10 years of bitterness? With my heart right now...who knows. God will provide, i hope. Pray for me plz?

What i'll never have, but what i'll give

So today, Andrea spoke on loving those not like ourselves, aka our enemies. I obviously first thought of the Koreans, with their cultural pride, arrogance, and disrespect for human life and morals. But, when i analyzed the situation, and saw deep into my heart, i found something more realistic and ugly.

I shared with Stephen and Andrew about this. What i told them was i treated those who are better off than me as my enemies. I saw those who have it all: luxury, relationships, grades, things that i have always wanted my entire life, but could never have. I would watch them, walking around campus, sitting in my classes, laughing and enjoying life as if there was no struggles, no pain, no suffering in their lives. I watched, and my eyes grew envious. My heart turned to jealousy. I find it really really hard to build a relationship with those whom i find don't need my time and my care. I don't think they need my love, and would be better off without it.

But, God has told me to love my enemies. What i don't have is the amazing-ness i long for in their lives. I see what i would like to be, and look down at myself.

What i do have is God's love. This is true love. This is reality, and life. This is what i have, and what i can give. It is like Acts 3, when Peter told the lame man, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." I find that i do not have the silver and gold i am jealous of; the silver and gold of life. I long for it, i dreamed of it my entire life. I watched from a young age others all around me, who had it, and i grew bitter against them. I found pride in myself for being different from them. But now, i realize, they are people too. And they need God. Guess what? That's is what i have, and that is what i will give to them. I won't just befriend the weak and the poor. I can help those rich in life. As i have mentioned before, my strongest spiritual gift by far is Giving. That is what i was born to do, the way God has made me.

As it says in Romans 12:8, may i be able to give generously to all, all the days of my life.
continuation of my ultimatum...

Wall-E

Well, i watched Wall-E for the first time, along with eating yummy pomfret fish for the first time in...ages. I was touched, not by the fact that it was about two "vacuum cleaners" falling in love (quote i got from a review on rotten tomatoes), but the fact that love can be so simple and genuine and not over dramatic and sexy. Normally most love stories would not touch me in this way...i would watch, go "this is sweet and cute" or "this is way too mushy and un-realistic for my mind to handle" and i would go on with life. But, Wall-E really touched my heart, and probably in a way that is unique to me. Sure, there was barely any dialogue, and the plot is decent at best, but the way the movie was presented, it was pure genius. That was where the magic is, the fact that love can come in such simple ways. All the traits of love were very subtly shown (patience, kindness, humility) and Wall-E is just a naive and sweet robot. I wish humans were like that: honest and pure, and mostly realistic. This film was one of the most realistic films i have seen, not because of the plot development or the details of the scenario. Clearly we haven't had technology in the movie. Clearly robots probably cannot develop feelings and emotions. But that is not important. Like what my professor would tell me, those details are just tools, used by the artist (in this case Pixar) to shape the circumstances, and go from there. The details are not the movie, just a foundation. It is the conveyance of the feelings to the audience that was important. And to me, it hit me a little too close to my heart. So some points that i found in the movie that were interesting to me:

A robot containing feelings represents that the heart/soul is not of the body, so when the CPU was replaced, the heart was not. It is eternal, and love is forever. And it cannot be erased.

I cannot believe at the moment when Wall-E wakes up at the end and starts doing his routinely duties, and Eve couldn't do anything but watch, it reminded me of a Korean drama. I cannot believe i made that comparison!

No one has a "security camera" that records every little thing one does for someone you care about. There is no way they can he or she can go back and re-watch every little thing that you have done for them that they have missed. There will be things that you do for others that they will never know about, and thus take you for granted. That is reality. This is probably the fact that hit home so hard and true for me. It may be the only "fantasy" element i saw in the movie, but i thought it was so beautiful as well. I wish, and probably a lot of people in this world wishes also, that life was a fantasy. But it is not. We should not escape reality, but instead, stand strong within the world we are put in.

Midnight

My dog is crazy, as in literally crazy.

He is the only one with a sex drive that makes him hump everyone who enters the front door.

He is the only who watches the window of the backyard to make sure his food isn't being stolen by a squirrel, whom is both faster and more cunning than him.

He is the only one who stays up all night outside guarding his food against that squirrel, even though the squirrel has already been captured (by my dad) and released in the neighboring park.

He is the only one who barks from 1-3am every night at anything that moves ever since the squirrel incident.

He is the only one who caused the biggest commotion at the "Walk-a-dog-athon" at that neighboring park, refusing to walk along the path, and barking at all the other dogs, making some of the owners tell their dogs to "avoid that one."

He is the only one who pulls all-nighters and then sleeps during the day.

He is the only one who sleeps with all four legs facing the heavens, not quite like a human but not like any other dog in existence.

He is THE one dog that can make me smile.

Demons and Angels

So this post started with a conversation over the demons of the Bible, technically started when I was discussing about the demon in Paranormal Activity with someone. Most of these are only told in religious text that accompany with the Bible, but are not considered canon. But some, like Baal, Beelzebub, and of course Lucifer, prince of demons, are. It is just a curious notion, to see these demons being fought back by Angels, like Michael and Raphael, and that this struggle is happening all around us, but invisible to the naked eye. It is like the book Piercing the Darkness by Frank Perretti, how there are clouds of demons surrounding sinful places all around the world, such as college campuses. The hover over us, whispering evil thoughts into our heads, manipulating our footsteps along the path of life. They lead us into pits of darkness, like those described in Pilgrim's Progress. They never show themselves to us, instead they use trickery, blackmail, and seduction, as mentioned in Proverbs and in The Screwtape Letters. I guess going back to the spark of this conversation, in Paranormal Activity, a demon haunts and possesses a woman, and the movie was scary. But, i reality, it is more scary than that. The thought of demon possession is freakishly scary. There are historical accounts all through history, along with exorcisms and epic battles between saints and those demons. Even in the Bible is Jesus commanding demons out of people. But whats more scary is that these demons who possess people are just around the corner, in every room, always watching you. They don't want to possess you, they just need to to fulfill their task for them. They are under a standard also, one that is counter-moral to ours. They dare not break it, for they also fear their master. They tap into our human nature, our sinful nature, to try to get us to do their dirty work for them. In the end, we end up possessing ourselves, or let our sins possess us, and we live our lives looking demon-possessed, though it may not show up on our exterior.

Theology is Christianity on Easy-Mode
I really like to talk about theology in Christianity. I really like learning all the aspects and history of it too. But what is the point of knowing all this knowledge? It isn't wisdom. I can't help a single person with it. What does it do for others if i sit in a corner and dabble over what philosophers and analysts have discovered in the Bible. This is a faith of action, not a faith of words and theories. How much time have i wasted? I wonder...

edit:

Matthew 25:31-46

The Sheep and the Goats

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

Buddhism is life on Easy-Mode
In an earlier post i mentioned about the desire to bring people in my family to God. Every Christian has people like that in their lives. If they don't, they aren't true Christians or they live in a box not of their choosing. Everyone has people in their lives that they know haven't found God in their lives, and because you care for them, you really want to bring them to God. I mentioned this as a major suffering for my parents, especially for my dad, whom parents (my grandparents) were Christian but converted to Buddhism due to easier lifestyle and the turn of events between China and Taiwan. There is tension on my mother's side as well. My uncle was a doctor, but he found his calling and left to become a missionary. My grandfather, following traditional Confucianism beliefs, believed he was shirking his duty to society, his duty as a father, his duty as a son to go become someone with no social status, no income, and no family respect. I really fear what my grandpa would do to me if i ever became a missionary. It has been a calling for me too, to go off and really see the world, to really see the suffering of many others, to see the persecution in this world, and to be able to help those in need. I don't know, sometimes i feel like going to a faraway land to help those who clearly are way worse off than myself is running away. I am running away from my past. I am running away from the hardships of life over here. But what do i know? What is suffering? What is hardship? I recount the biography of people like Hudson Taylor or Brother Andrew, and how hard it was to mission. Were they running away too? Or was God leading them down a road full of suffering, but also full of joy as well. They brought so much joy, so much hope, so much love to so many people. Because of them, and others like Robert Morrision, was the Chinese people able to find God. They paid their price in the death of loved ones, in the oppression of the Communist Government, and in sweat and blood of their own bodies. Why can i not be like that? I shall pray for my family everyday, hoping that someday they will find God (or re-find God). I pray for my aunts and uncles, my cousins living in faraway places. I pray for my friends who are near me now. I can reach them, can i not? They are only a hand's width away. But no one can grab someone else's hand and drag them to the cross. It is a gift, and a gift must be received willingly. But i will always be there, through thick and thin, and live out my life as an example. May i be like the salt of the earth, and the light on a hill. I will not be hidden underneath a cup, or be blown out like a candle. May i become a pillar for God.
It isn't easy being a Christian. By definition, it is one of the hardest faiths to follow. No wonder why my grandparents switched over to Buddhism. Love all life and do good in all aspects of life. It is too easy. And its too hard.

No faith is life on Easy-Mode
Everyone needs faith in their life. And many people find it, or create it. Look at all the faiths in the world, religiously or non-religiously. Philosophies, scientific conclusions, and theologies, theses are all faiths. What is a faith? As my literature professor told me, it is just a set of beliefs that one abides to. Do follow our savior Jesus Christ blindly? Is our faith rational? I guess this goes back to what i said about theology, and you really have to know a little to understand. There is no easy answer for a Christian. But how can someone not have faith at all? They are just lying to themselves. Everyone believes in something, or the lack of something. But to not care about one's future, to not care about one's action in this world, its too easy to do. But to stand by one's faith, especially if its Christianity, is hard. Very hard. I am under fire from all directions. From academics, from society, from myself. In the bible, it tells us that people will persecute us for our belief. It is proven by the apostles, whom all were executed except for John. It was proven again during the rule of the Roman Empire. It is proved time and time again by all the martyrs in this world, even to this time year 2009. There are people dying for their faith. In Christianity and in other religions too. Then why can so many Christians seem to have it so easy? Its like what one pastor in Taiwan said to me, if i cannot say "i'm under persecution at all times" then i'm not really living my life for God.

When i struggle to see the fellowship in ACF, when i realize that it will never be the "acf" i dreamed of, i pull out the ACF support video from Mizzou. I dont know why i have it, but i believe God put it in my lap to show me that all is well, and that ACF WashU is well too. Not every fellowship is perfect. Some may have deteriorated over the years, over reasons like drama, lack of commitment, loss of strong members, and growing too big.

I pull out my Bible, and begin reading about fellowship, the struggles the early church had back in the day, the struggles the prophets like Daniel, Elijah, and Jeremiah had during their periods. How hard must it be for them to stand up for what they believe in, and why can't i on a campus so small. Family is not something given to you, it is something that is fought for, and worth fighting for the rest of your life for. I remember last week during GF small group, we talked about the earliest fellowship in Acts 2: 42-47:

⁴²They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. ⁴³Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. ⁴⁴All the believers were together and had everything in common. ⁴⁵Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. ⁴⁶Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, ⁴⁷praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

When we discussed it during small group, obviously they spoke of how GF did hang out together. They interpreted the breaking of the bread as eating together, whether it is at their fellowship meetings or just eating out. Basically, fellowship equals spending time together with brothers and sisters in Christ. When i read that passage, i immediately equated that with all the Christians on campus. I didn't immediately think about ACF, nor did i think about the GF small group at the time. Hey, there were 3000+ people doing this. That number is easily larger than the total Christians in fellowships on campus right now. I want to bring them all together. I want us to have fellowship on this campus. I will try to do every little thing i can, and hope God's will will continue to spread.

The fight between angels and demons rages on all around us. Jesus and his army of Archangels have already thrown down the devil and his angels, but his presence still lives on around us. I don't see any hope unless we are united against him. The war may be won, but the battles still rage on. Who else will have to be sacrificed?

In the end, there is too much i don't know about this world, this universe. There is too much i do not know about life. I can only count on the One who does know, and that is what i shall do. He knows what to do, i just have to believe in him right?

Eggs in One Basket

All my eggs are placed in God's basket.

Mark 12 - How would i feel if my mom, or dad, or brother, or a close friend died and left me? What if i believed they would go to hell? Will i truly find joy in heaven knowing that people i care for are in hell facing the punishment of their sins. Could i have done something about it?

My parents are struggling with this problem right now, with my grandparents and relatives. So am i. I fear for my friends who might not be in heaven with me when the time of judgment comes. It may sound like heresy, but i truly care for them, and so, i will live my life for them.

The Holy Spirit, the Helper, is ignored a lot in Christianity. When was the last time you prayed about the Holy Spirit? Or heard a sermon about it? When was the last time you called upon the Holy Spirit, which dwells within you, for help or guidance? While Jesus is preparing a place for me in heaven and God the Father is watching over me from above, the Holy Spirit dwells in me, convicting me of my sin, and acts as my conscience in my daily life. I must meditate on the Word, day and night.

Do i have a testimony? What basis of experience do i have? That of my church? no...that will not do. Do i have go even farther into my past? What about my birth? I will admit, that is a miracle. I have a bucketful of testimonies: many good ones, many passionate ones, one for almost every situation. But none of them are mine. All i can share is how much hurt ive gone through, and maybe how God has led me through them. Is that it? While writing this post...i have found my "something" i can base it on.

So a goal, when i go back to my church for Thanksgiving, i really believe my bitterness will melt away when i take pictures of the young, and the old, and those who have hurt me, and those who have supported me all this time. These pictures will represent the reconciliation i will have with those i have grew up with all my life. If i do not take 100 pictures, i will not feel satisfied.

Going home: It is to re-ignite my ambition for academics. It is why i came to WashU is it not? That, and to find an asian fellowship that will accept me. I have found it, albeit i used sheer will power and prayer to get there. This is why i have been striving to move forward, and i shall continue this momentum till i leave here.

True Relationships

Well, along with my promise to God i will not be bitter again, i am truly happy to see how my friendships and relationships have been growing this year. Ive never, ever, had a true fellowship before...and i came into college dearly seeking one. To be honest, i never found it initially, and to be honest, no one in ACF ever sought out to me, or reached their hand to me. I was bitter then, but i will forgive them now. Instead, i will not do the same as they have, but reach out to everyone i see, friend or foe.

Me being open about my feelings ive had for the last 2 years with everyone recently has created deeper relationships with a lot of people, not only in ACF among the guys, but even among the girls and definitely many relationships outside of ACF, outside of Christianity too. I have also made new friendships, and new bonds. I hope i don't lose any of them now that I am moving on and don't need to lean on them that much anymore. I have been much more open my junior year, not like the bitter and depressed Daniel of sophomore year who couldn't understand why he never truly fit into ACF. If is very different from the Daniel of freshmen year, so willing to move on and forget the past, ready to make a clean state, but was choked in his own fears and created so many barriers around him that he couldn't escape.

I am glad i had those feelings. The last two years are NOT a waste of time. But I am ready to stand back and let it unfold, and i am willing to move on. Hey, if things are willing to catch up to where i will be in the future, then i will accept them as they come. Things are no longer in my hands, and i guess they never was. God placed me in a church where i had no fellowship among people my age. But i learned about Truth. God placed me in a class where there were so few Christians. But i was able to build relationships in 3 fellowships, and break class boundaries. God placed me in a fellowship without any other junior guys to bond with, but i am now able to have fellowship with everyone else. God did these things for a reason, and now i have finally figured it out.

I am truly thankful for everyone who has supported me through my tough times. Because of my feelings, i have been more open to people than i ever have. Thank you everyone in ACF who has been praying for me and caring for me. Thank you everyone at WashU who has cared for me. Thank you that one soul in Japan who has never ceased to stop worrying about me, i hope you are having a wonderful time there. Thank you everyone back home and about at college who has been caring about me and praying for me. Thank you my parents who never stopped loving me, never stopped teaching me, never stopped worrying about me when i repeatedly broke your hearts. I never stop thanking God for all the relationships i have been building these few years of my life. I will care for others. I am willing to die for others. I cannot bear to see others hurt. I am joyful when i see other relationships blossom. These are all i need. What God gives, he takes away, but God knows what i need, so i need not worry about it. True men of God do not worry about their fears and needs, they just confront them like a man and take it in the face.

I now have confidence in myself, and i now know how to utilize it. Give it all to God.

Ultimatum

I guess i am a self-sacrificing kind of person. I promise i will never be bitter again. I will serve with a joyful heart to everyone i meet. I will never be disappointed at fellowship, nor serve for the sake of serving. May i have a steadfast heart that understands love.

Edit: This is my new focus of my energy, instead of all the stupid rules i set that i stubbornly followed before.

Hurricanes in Missouri

This was supposed to be from the time i was supposed to share my weather forecast at Fall Conference, but never did...i was the only one who didn't share. So i thought about sharing about what i was going to say but never did, but a lot has happened since then. So ill just mingle it all together in one go. So here we go!

So, first of all, i'm finally going to fully confront my past. All the bitterness, all the distrust with christians (especially asians), has to stop. I cannot keep on living my life like that. I cannot keep on committing myself to those stupid rules i established for myself. Stuff like never asking a girl for their phone number or IM, deleting contacts that weren't given to me by the specific person, never playing piano on worship team, never taking up leadership in a christian group, never making fun of girls etc. So many of my decisions i make in the present are already decided by my past. Its like i could never escape it, like the past is a parasite that has infected every aspect of my life now. My academic stress is caused by it. My spiritual tension is caused by it. My self-defeatist attitude is caused by it. My fear of girls is caused by it. I remember making that vow, after Catalyst, that i would never set foot back into my home church again. That is how anal i am, how much i try to revel in my past and how much i let it take over me. But i fought it. I made myself go to church by putting myself into a trap i couldn't escape. I will not say i enjoyed being back in the building, the setting. The sadness still hit me like a wave of energy, i was hurt by what i saw and what i heard. But, i can keep on making progress. That is what Fall Conference taught me. That is what true fellowship taught me. I never knew what it meant to have true fellowship until recently. It is not about singing koombaya songs together. It isn't about spending lots of time hanging out in groups, eating and playing games. It isn't about studying together or going to church together. I was jealous at all these when i saw others were doing them w/o me. I was jealous when i saw couples together when i knew that would never happen to me. I was jealous when i saw other churches having fellowship together and there is a sense of joy and unity that encompasses them. I guess i'm jealous of a lot of things. Only now, after truly being open with many people, guys and girls (gasp!) alike do i truly feel like i'm a part of the fellowship, a part of the body of Christ that i so longed for, for so many years. Its like a dream come true. Now that i have taken steps to leadership, i have broken some of the ultimatums ive set, i can move on. The past can go suck itself in the past. The problems i can fix, i will fix. God wills it. For the problems that can never be fixed, unless i can teleport back into time and will it to be changed, they can be buried in the past. That will be a locked chest i will never open again. I will not say its easy, as i already had major set backs, like being turned down by my potential co-leader and potential GIG invites. I am still plagued by broken promises and misunderstandings. Why do people think i am serious and quiet all the time? It is because i present myself as that. I am cautious and distrustful with the people i want to impress. I am unable to let go of my facade, unable to break down all the barriers i've set up over the past years. Any little thing gets to me, i live my life in a "life and death" scenario. Little things that other people can laugh at or shrug off, i cannot do. I will cut me deep, like an arrow that pierces my chest. I cannot live my life like this...I will give my life to God. I will allow him to hold my broken and fickle heart in his hands, so he can mold it and make a steadfast heart out of it.

When i look back, technically i was never reached out to by ACF my freshmen year, and i came into ACF sophomore year really wondering why God has led me here...again. It was my first step to moving forward in my life. I will always record that Labor Day weekend in my life as a turning point. It is the re-lighting of my pilot light to pursue a real life for God. My bitterness for Overflow, my bitterness towards Grace Fellowship, my bitterness towards ACF, its melting. May God be the sun which melts the ice around my heart.

Ah the girl problem. Most of you who read my blog already knows who she is, those who don't, heh heh heh. Seems like this is something was to be expected here, but never showed up all these years. This has been on my mind for almost 2 years, not even starting with her specifically, but any girl i would pursue in the future. For the longest time, and maybe even now, i believed i could go my entire life as being single. I feared girls, i don't understand them, and i've been majorly hurt by them in the past. I can be a Paul, and serve God w/o marriage. Oath of celibacy maybe? Who knows. But when i saw this girl, first day of gen chem, i was like "she is the most beautiful girl i have ever seen." I didn't realize it, but i started crushing after her. What happened to asexual Dan? What happened to he who crushed crushes? I'm still a human, im still a boy, but i've always been pretty good about these things. But she changed my thoughts, changed my viewpoint of my future. Sometimes, i convinced myself in my mind that i joined ACF sophomore year because i saw her at large group. Sometimes i convince myself that i joined BYOQ because i knew she was there. Sometimes i convinced myself that the summer was unbearably horrible because i was jealous when i saw her with other guys, hanging out, having fun, allowing them to touch her all over. My jealously sky rocketed, and my life became bleak. I vowed i would never go to Chicago again, and was dead centered to go to Vancouver. I guess God told me that wouldn't do, and called me to go to Chicago later that summer to not only confront my jealousy, but to just have a good time. I reunited with my best friend Dyu, and i got to re-explore Chi-town and meet up with alumni from WashU Jimmy Chang. I was truly happy at the time. But back to her...why did i like her? What was different about her from all other girls in this world? I don't know. I can't say. Its hard. Maybe i liked her hair. I actually seem to be more physically attracted to girls with longer hair. It has always been this way since i was little, and its been the same now. But i like her smile, i like her face. I like how she laughs, and how she treats everyone with courtesy and sincerity. I am amazed by her perseverance in life, and her love for children and cute things. Sometimes i believe she parallels my personality, sometimes i think she compliments it. I don't really know, because i never tried to get to know her. Maybe i knew it wasn't just a crush when i realized i can remember everything she has told me, and how i can quote her many months later what she has said. There was one time, i asked her why she left BYOQ for a Grace Fellowship small group, and she gave me a few reasons. Just last week, i forgot why, i recited her reasons as similar reasons why i decided to join a Grace Fellowship small group this year. She was like "did i say those things? I can't remember." But i do, and i realized that i have been. That is the pity of the story, of my life. I allowed my past to get in the way, i allowed my fear to get in the way. The defeatist attitude told me that i could never bring someone into my life only to share the burdens of my problems. Not only her, but almost everyone i met. I kept my distance because i didn't want to burden others, to have others worry about me. I hate people worrying about me. I'd rather live behind a facade of strength and chillness than let people know the broken me inside. It is a sense of pride, to hide your weaknesses. I know that full well. Well, after 1 year of over-thinking things, whether i truly cared for her or it was just a crush or a phase, after a summer of being jealous, i decided it was time. I believe that its been long enough, and now i should get to know her. I don't know myself that well yet. Am i a person who rather date someone i really really know? Am i someone who likes to take things slow? Am i a romantic? Possibly, its in my genes. So, i guess i focused my heart, and built up the courage to confess my feelings, to be honest and direct. But every chance i took, she was never there. And then i found out, and maybe have always known, that she liked someone else, and was going to be decisive and confess to him. I have the highest respect and admiration for her. In this day, not many girls will do that. This shows she knows what she wants, she knows what will make her happy, and she is not afraid to go for it. I will say i was not as devastated as i thought i would be. I don't know why, but i took the news pretty well. Sure, i did sit in the shower for an hour, thinking it over, trying to cry and release my emotions, but the tears never came. I guess they never will come. I hope it is because, i truly care for her and wish her to be happy. If this is what she wants, then i will be happy for her. I guess people tell me this is unfair for me, that i can only ever watch others find joy in their lives, but that isn't true. I have always been a social person, and i find my joy in watching others find joy. I suffer when others suffer. And so i can confidently say i have found a sigh of relief and something to be joyful about. She and whoever she likes have my blessing. I will move on. I am still human, this will take me a long time to get over. I will not say i won't be jealous when i see them together. I know i will not be able to look at her in the eye, and will avoid her at all costs to save myself more pain. But, i truly, deeply am happy for her. May God protect me and continue to work in my life. May i be able to help those i care deeply for, now and forever on.

So to finish off, my weather forecast is hurricanes. I've been though many hurricanes, or typhoons you would call them. I know what its like, to have many gallons of rain dumped on your head. I've seen the waves hit the islands like a battering ram. I've seen the cars fly into the air, and the buildings swept away by the murky dark river. So i know my life has been like that. It isn't light, it is quite heavy, and the rain has perpetrated for a long time. But maybe, just maybe, there are rays of hope. Hope is where the spirit is. The Helper is near me, and he will pull me into the patches of light where i can find peace and quiet, and then i shall face the full force of the storm head-on! Clearly something of this magnitude is hard to share in a very casual situation, like chapter time. But i'm hanging on. My suicidal days are in the past, my depression is in the past, my hate and anger is all in the past. I will keep moving on, on the dark and lonely road.
Some say i am carving my own path in life, but that isnt quite true. How can any mere mortal man do that in the face of the storm? I am still a human, though i may tell myself im not, and that im strong enough to weather it alone. That is not true, i need help, i need support, and i need the Lord my Father on my side. Hopefully, i can continue to grow and stand tall in the face of my tribulations.

Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
...
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life.

I believe it, i truly do.God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!

reminders of children's worship

somehow, the "modern" versions of the childhood christian songs we would used to sing in children's singspiration, they don't seem to have the spirit of God in them...or not as much

Praises for today

I look back now, and I see so many questions have been answered. I praise God.

2nd 'bout of nostalgia

It would seem the cause of these emotion attacks are darn Taiwanese movies. First it was Jay Chow's Secret, now its Edward Yang's Yi Yi...oh well. Let us begin...

When i think of Taiwan, i don't think of it as a tourist place, or my relative's home. I still feel its like my home, or what i wish my home was. I don't think i have cultural pride, as i hate culture and everything it represents. But, we all live in a world full of culture, and you really can't escape it. But do not dwell on the world...it will only lead you to your doom.

Besides that fact, i've already mentioned the bookstores and how i like to go in and look at stuff, not only the books, but all the cool trinkets they have there. I remember a store called "Apple Tree," lots of goodies there. Too bad it disappeared a while ago. That is one things about Taiwan, stores are constantly changing. (lol the places you'll find me at are bookstores and pet stores).

The puppet shows are a staple: only shown in Taiwanese, i remember when i was little my cousins would narrate me everything that occurred in the show. Good times. Didn't realized how enjoying it is to watch puppets duke it out on TV, or how cultural it was to Taiwan.

Definitely talked about the bread, but i can go into more detail. My favorite since little has been 奶酥 bread. But i like them all. The softness of the bread, and the unhealthiness, makes it probably the best bread in the world. There is always one on every street corner, always there for people to come by and get some freshly made bread. Mmmmmm.

Taiwan is known for its fresh fish (duh its an island). My favorite fish to eat is white pomfret, or 白鯧魚. Not quite a fish you eat often in America...definitely wanted to cook this sometime, but it won't happen because fish stinks up the whole dormitory. But besides this fish to eat, which my grandma makes perfect, there are so many other fishes that you will never find in a Shnucks or a Price Chopper or a Pete's.

Hmmm they just turned 光華商場 into a 6-story building. Opened right after i left. Last time i went it was 6 shed houses...the time before it was an underground shopping complex. But ya, best place to buy all those video games, computer games, electronics, DVD's, manga, anything bootlegged etc. I usually go shopping there for the games, Softstar games are my favorite, especially the old ones like 天之痕 and 阿貓阿狗.

I guess something that's really famous in Taiwan, but i only recently went to, are the night markets and 西門町, crazy place with a lot of clothing store-booths, gonna call them that.

The food is amazing, the places are amazing, shopping is amazing, but of course what i love about Taiwan isn't whats there physically, right now, but the memories. Going to those places, with family and friends, is the point. Eating the fresh bread in the mornings at 7, enjoying the fish at dinner time. Watching my cousins play the Taiwanese video games or watching the puppet shows or Japanese cartoons (aka anime, but didn't know that term until high school), those are the good times. It is racing 4wd mini-cars from Tamiya in the parks, blowing toxic bubbles from outdoor stands, going to the Taiwanese Zoo, the Tai-zhong Science Center, going to the many gorgeous parks, these are what makes life life. But it is family that makes it all happen.

Another thing about Taiwan is the draft. After talking to someone a WashU and hearing him decide to return and fulfill the draft out of duty, it made me wonder. Though i am also in the draft, i am determined to avoid it at all costs. I don't know if i'm fit enough, nor will i be able to take the harassment, and the thought of being on Military Island scares me. It ain't like college, its boot camp for 4 months. But if i go...and survive it...when i come back i'll probably be very fit. That shouldn't be the reason i go, and i really don't feel a sense of duty, but it might be a good life experience, or i might be force to go back...reminds me of the stories of my dad at military island, and writing letters to his girlfriend every night *cough* not my mother *cough*. I thought that is very sweet and scores high on the boyfriend points...too bad technology ruins everything now. I'll see, as i've received the "romantic" genes from my dad, i'll come up with crazy, genuine ways to express my love.

I love bamboo beds. I hate flying cockroaches and getting run over by motorcycles. I love eating lots of different kinds of foods, i hate walking near sewers and crap. Sometimes i wish i knew Taiwanese, or Hokkien. Sometimes i wonder why my mom's side of the family didn't teach the kids the language...is it a movement in Taiwan to only learn mandarin in the schools? What about all the taxi cab drivers...who will they talk to then?

Edit (10/28/09): I will go back. I will ask the questions i've been wanting to ask. I will take pictures of every room, every space, and cherish them forever. I will ask my grandpa and grandma about the past, about my parents, about the life of living suppressed, living totally new life. I will cherish the memories.

Fall Conference 2009

A little late, due to Quant Phys midterm and Thermo ("hot") midterm.

First of all, when going to this year's Fall Conference, i was very apprehensive about it. I didn't find the fellowship i desired at Catalyst, and since the setting of this year's Fall Conference was very similar, i didn't think i was gonna get anything out of it either. When i got there, it definitely felt like it was gonna be the same, and even though i lowered my standards pretty low, it didn't feel like it was gonna be different. First of all, when i saw how the ACF small groups were divide for the guys, i thought in my mind "really? REALLY? What happened to everything we preached about before? Aren't we gonna be more open to each other, to be a united fellowship instead of divide among click lines?" I was pretty quiet and annoyed for most of those sessions...seems like a trend i've developed, even during Catalyst and City Lights. I proposed to unify the small groups, but i guess that didn't happen, oh wells.
The speaker Len (Lan) was a humble old guy, who spoke mostly about scenarios and his experience at KU inviting international students to his house. It really touched me personally, and i want to be like him, as my interest has always been to reach out to international friends too (hence my plans to mission in China hopefully). He really reminded me of Randy Dolan, who did the exact same thing way back when at MU. He was willing to share his home and his time and his love for God to international students from Taiwan. Hey, if he never had done that, then my mom and my dad wouldn't have met at bible study, and where would i be? I really want to talk to Randy about that, how i could move my life in that direction. The last i heard from him, he was in rural China ministering and helping leper colonies, abandoned by the Chinese Government. I wonder sometimes if he has any connection to Mizzou ACF?
Well since i mentioned Mizzou ACF, it was great seeing them again. I wish i could visit them, as right now i really want to go to their Subtitles meeting, but can't due to commitments to my ACF large group...its k. It was nice talking to Philip, Andrew, Esther, Nan, Tim, and Jay and catch up a little since summer. It was also nice meeting all the newer people too. I promise the next time i go home, i will stop by their campus and hang out with them. It was also cool to meet up with Robert Morales again, his enthusiasm and charisma definitely is infective, and helped me get through Catalyst without leaving (though the camp guards played a part too, damn 11:30 curfew).
So while worrying about the state of ACF's fellowship, worrying about my BME midterm, and worrying about thinking too much in the state of allowability (definitely just made a word up...), i was getting a little disappointed around saturday night. I wasn't really reaching out to the new people in ACF, and i really wasn't getting closer to the oldies in ACF either. And i definitely wasn't gonna get anywhere with the ACF girls. So, as a person who values relationships, friendships, and fellowship the most, even though i eliminated all other expectations, i concluded i just wasn't gonna get anything. But, as soon as i thought that, i knew it couldn't continue. The past is the past, the present is now, and God has a future for me, always. So, i ended up just talking to God in the corner during singspiration and just took the time to re-align my heart to God, asking him to give me a steadfast and hallelujah heart. After that moment, i knew i have changed, and i think others may have noticed too.

The kicker of the conference, of course, was the heart-to-heart we had right after among the guys. That was what i was looking for, for so long, all these years. It was what i wanted at Catalyst. It was what i wanted at Guy Getaway. And now i have it. I opened myself up fully, eliminating all the walls and barriers i had developed over the years against Christians and Asian Christians. Definitely told everyone who i've liked for a while...hmmm. Collateral? Cuz they shared their love interests and problems first. Now i feel im really close to them, and can share just about anything. This is what i call a real fellowship. I guess you can say that was the thing i've been waiting for in ACF, why i never could feel like i was a part of the fellowship, no matter how much i try to do, how much i try to care about others, how much people say i belong. I guess it was the fulfillment of my dream, my only dream since i was little and could acknowledge Christianity as a lifestyle vs. a religion.

So, to sum it up, Fall Conference seem to be the conference that changes my life the most and i enjoy the most. Fall Conference '08 led me to get to know a lot of the ACF'ers, and build relationships with roommates there. This time, it was the fulfillment of my long-standing dream, the spark of my confidence for the future in leadership, and fuel my intention to try to build relationships among WashU's fellowships. I think this experience made me decide to go to Urbana. I have some reasons why i wouldn't want to go. But i'll see. 20,000+ Christians, speakers from all over the world, one of the biggest inter-cultural events i will ever be allowed to attend. I'll see.
Maybe it was this experience which made me believe that i can become a leader. I've always had the gift of giving...doesn't quite make sense how it is a gift, and how it is different from the gift of serving, which makes even less sense...see Romans on Spiritual Gifts. And i have always been assigned leadership positions in my home church, ive never felt the confidence or the ability to lead others to Christ. I do understand the key to good leadership is responsibility and humility. The first shall be last. Now, i finally feel the confidence and the support i need to become a leader in ACF. So i have decided to bring back the prayer meeting for my class, and start a GIG (group investigating God) for non-Christians that i've felt should have the chance to see the Christian faith in action. I think i'm ready for leadership now. The future of ACF is now in my hands, as well as others, and it always has been. Now i know, its not too late.

I don't want to live a ritualistic life. I want to live a real life.

I am officially afraid of girls...GG'd.

And remind myself, never allow cute girls to sit directly in front of you. Then all i do the entire class is look at her hair and/or smell the shampoo. This is only gonna cause trouble...

For the longest time, I've been afraid of girls. I would not talk to them one on one, I would never be caught in a suite or room with them, I would delete girl's phone numbers from my phone, and I would never add a girl onto any IM client. I believed that girls and guys cannot be just friends. I was wrong, and I will pay the consequences for my actions.

gathering some thoughts...summer *sigh*

I don’t have a youth pastor. I don’t even have a pastor. The retired pastor had just suffered a heart attack and is recovering at his house, so I can’t really go see him and talk to him. Even if I did, I don’t know if it would change anything. I went to church for the second time all summer. I had to force myself to go, as in create a scenario for myself beforehand so that on Sunday I could either be stranded somewhere besides my own house or go to church. It wasn’t bad. I had my good friend from Chicago with me to face it. Quite a few adults wanted to see me too. But the truth still stands that I don’t feel connected to the church. Or that I do, but the church doesn’t want to connect with me now. Well, it’s been that way for 10 years now. Maybe it is time to let go.

I don’t know where my walk is right now. I still feel as passionate as I ever had been to help those around me, lead others to Christ, and to do something in the world for God’s kingdom. Even just yesterday I had a discussion with my parents about whether I should go to China for a year or two to mission a bit. They said it was hard, as it is prohibited to preach Christianity there, and would make finding a job or going to graduate school a problem when I get back. Even with all these plans, I still fear that my future isn’t looking its brightest, especially when the present isn’t holding well together.

... a few months later...

This summer…was an experience in itself. With a freedom of a car, I went to many places and did many things I’ve never done before. My first research experience wasn’t the best, but it was a success, and if my luck holds out, it will become the foot in the door to more opportunities. I met quite a lot of people if I really think about it, but I still felt lonely for the most part of the summer. To me, being in St. Louis was not really a vacation, but not quite like school either even though the atmosphere was the same. I spent too many hours in the library or the 2nd floor of the DUC or the Business School’s Mezzezine Rooms just thinking about how my life is playing out and how my interactions with other people makes any difference at all. I also think too much about my past that I can’t really give up, but must if I want to keep moving on without burden or bitterness.

Well to say the least, this summer was the most I’ve done with reaching out to other Christians. I enjoyed meeting and hanging out with the summer city lights people. It was great getting know those individuals and watch them devote their precious time to caring for underprivileged children and meeting a lot of people with different backgrounds from Iraq to Uganda and learning from Gerry Chappeau. I remember a person asked me whether that man had any other motives to do the charity work and outreaching he does in the community than doing it for God, and I believe I was able to answer sincerely that yes he does. I guess he’s a role model for me to keep in mind, and to meet up with later on in my stay at St. Louis. I just wish I am able to become like him, one-minded for God with my entire life devoted to following the commandments listed in Isaiah 1 and doing true service as summarized in Isaiah 58, his favorite two chapters. From interacting with the ACF Mizzou members and listening to Adam Leong’s donor speech, I was able to come up with a rough picture of how ACF Mizzou was set up, how it has grown, and what kinds of problems it has in attracting Asian members and managing Asian culture and Christianity together.

I also attended both Jean’s discipleship group and the Overflow small group over the course of the summer. The Overflow small group was just for a fellowship, and to reconcile with the members I’ve abandoned when I left Overflow. I was amazed at how many remembered me, yet it still saddens me that the number of people who I saw and know I’ve met didn’t remember me anymore, and I had to give hints for the others to remember I once attended Overflow and worshiped together with them. Oh well, I guess people are just people. It was still a good experience, and I made new relationships to replace the old pseudo-relationships. I went with them to a Christian concert, but I didn’t really know how to react to it, but that’s probably just me, who never been to any concerts before this summer and have only gone to watch symphonies and master piano sessions. Jean’s discipleship did help me understand and solidify my foundation for evangelizing to non-believers, but it also reminded me of all the fears and troubles I’ve had with ACF and left me wishing for more fellowship. I remember Jean saying that hopefully this group has grown closer with each one and can now share confidently with each other about faith and other deep spiritual topics. When I heard that, I immediately thought “not really, at least for me” and couldn’t get rid of that comment from my mind. Had I really been aloof and withdrawn from the group? Where was the fellowship? Was it me who wasn’t doing enough, or was it unavoidable for it to be this way? It still leaves this empty crawling feeling within me that I really had hope would go away when I wished for more fellowship at the end of school in May and during Catalyst, but has only build upon itself over the course of these three months. I fear I won’t be able to live up to everyone’s expectations and keep to my promises when school starts this year. And I really wanted to help out and be a part of the fellowship.

Well I guess the highlight was the smash tournament in Champaign, Illinois. It was a one of a time experience, where you get to see people truly devoted to something and see all kinds of people converge for a single event. It was silly, but it was also moving, to see these hardcore gamers meet and compete in a friendly atmosphere. I was caught off guard when players would say good luck to me at the beginning of a match, and they always shook hands and congratulated each one cordially after it ended. It was fun to just hang out with peers on a road trip in a hotel, something I’ve only done once for a math competition in St. Louis, and it was just cards and sleep. At least we didn’t stay up all night playing smashies. For some reason, Chicago was the #1 destination of the summer. I can count off the top of my head 20+ people who went to Chicago, and the actual number is probably around 40 or 50, but I guess I shouldn’t creep around too much, just look at all the nifty pictures of people touring Chi-town. Well I guess my trip consists only of Chinatown and Northwestern Medical Campus. I really wanted to go to Shedd Aquarium, but that will have to wait for another day. I guess going to visit the Yu’s was my only true vacation, and the only time I truly felt free this summer without burden, responsibility, and the weight and agony of sorting through one’s mind.

Well, because of the smash tournament, I was unable to fulfill my last few goals in St. Louis, and so I wasn’t able to face GPC one last time. I was taken aback when I opened my email and see that I was put on the GF email list even though I refrained from contact and refused to update my email to them, maybe it’s a calling to give them a second chance? Or is it a third chance, or is it them giving me another chance, idk. I guess it’s up to my new suitemates or Shimmy to see if I go or not anymore. I given it a lot of thought, research, and prayer, and come up with the conclusion that I shouldn’t be as loyal, and stop putting the burden and blame upon myself, as if all the problems and mishaps in life are due somehow to my failure as a human and just allow myself to continue on and move to new fellowships and new environments that may be more friendly and healthy for me.

If anyone asked me how was my summer, I’ll probably say it was horrible or complex or give some other ambiguous or negative answer. Well, for my emotions and summation of time and energy focused on how much my life sucked this summer, one can conclude that the accumulation of negativity has made my summer an unpleasant one. But that is no excuse to all the great things that had happen, all the cool places I went to, all the new people I met, and the old relationships that have grown. I’ve collected an album of pictures to look at, to remember all the things that have happened to me, so that I’ll never forget. I learned that people are people: sinful, ungrateful, selfish, emotionally-driven, lazy, and forgetful. But they are also caring, funny, and there to rely on. And I guess there is always God, who is always watching and always there to give you another day, another chance, another pat on the back, another helping hand and warm shoulder. I guess I’m ready for school, for QP, for the future of ACF, for the future of my walk, for the future that everyone is looking forward to.

okay...?

so it turns out diendiendien = crazycrazycrazy in vietanese...remind myself not to let anymore Vietnamese people read my blog.

dunno, me ranting a bit back in May...

I have realized that childhood experiences have absolutely no weight or meaning in the world. The innocence that is embodied by the little children dies quickly away when exposed to culture and the environment. When I think back, I remember the good days, the happy days where I didn’t see or care about life’s sufferings.
Again I emphasize that lack of weight of childhood memories. Especially those shared with other people. I think back and wonder, do these people I’ve have known for years and years ever look back and see the good times we have shared together? Doesn’t that qualify us as friends? Don’t you care about me now, as a friend? No, no matter how many delightful or sad moments experienced together, I have concluded that at the moment of the turn of the tide, those pages are locked away, never to be brought to light again. People change, and that is something I have to accept, though unwillingly. I see stories, novels, dramas, epics, ballads, tales, and poems talk about friendships and love, from all cultures, yet they all seem so ideal…to the point that I want to believe the message they carry is true. But alas, reality is of course as far away from ideal as possible.
I am truly grateful to my parents, especially my mother, whom I love dearly. She has traded her life away for mine, superimposed all her dreams and future upon me, may I never let her down. When it was time for me to be born, she made a choice, one highly unfavored by all educated doctors in two countries, one that chose between her life and mine. Through the grace of God, we were both spared, but she had to suffer great pain and risk to do so. She has devoted her time solely upon her kids, given up the dream of perusing a career in the land of opportunities. Though countless times I blame her for her raising decisions, such as keeping me deprived from both American culture and Asian culture alike, I am glad she was there for me when I felt as if the whole world came crashing down around me, and a multitude of voices and fingers pointed and condemned for existing in an environment unsuitable for a person like me. She kept my faith alive, had hope that I may find a place in the world where I can be truly at peace, truly comfortable. Alas, I do not know if I had found such a place, or if such a place even exists, but for her, and my dad, and all those who continue to support me and I them, I will persist and have hope that a place like that in my dreams will be provided for me. If not, I will surely find such a place in heaven with my Father.
I would say I am a person who has suffered a lot. Then others would scoff and ask if I had ever broken up with a person I love, if I have ever felt prolonged hunger before, if I have a terminal illness, if I have ever watched a loved one die before, or if I have ever killed a person. Then all I can say is that my suffering amounts to nothing compared to magnitude of these tribulations. My suffering only consists of torment at the hand of the American public education system, the story of a Chinese kid in a very American environment with no one around to share his pain, and abandonment by the Church, the one and only sanctuary I believed I had in this cruel environment. I will not say no one in the Church came to my rescue, as there are always people filled with compassion and love wherever the Spirit dwells. But the need for an environment for a pitiful child like me never provided, though it may have been on the top of the “to do list” for decades before I was born. Now I pray that though I am not the first victim, that I may be the last. Not only did my church refuse to accept my Taiwanese culture, but rejected me when I asked to be taught and assimilated into the American culture. The influence of culture has spread deep into the youth of the Church, no longer containable by the deacons and elders. Though they pray and hoped for a better future for the future generations, the blight of culture has already taken root. And I was swallowed and torn to bits. I do not know how long I was depressed, or how long I stayed aloof. Circumstances have not been kind to me. Everyone close to me has moved away, some to New Jersey, some to California, some to far away places I can never reach, though geographical distance is not an issue. The sadness of leaving a familiar place full of friends to a foreign one is great, but the sadness of the one left behind can sometimes be greater. I was left behind, and left with the responsibility to bring new people into the church. Though the duty was imposed upon me, I followed through, and my actions have blossomed in the church. Regardless, I have been effectively kicked out of my sanctuary, only to watch from afar. No longer can I keep my duties; no longer do I exist in the records of the church. I am now one of those poor children who enter the doors of the house of love, only to be ignored and never come again. Yet I continue to come, each time greeted as if it was my first time, as if I know no one at all. I sympathize with the regulars whom are now ignored, those who have called the church home for over twenty, over thirty years. They come, but few greet them, and none include them in the social atmosphere. Why bother come at all? There is no longer fellowship here, and worship can be done anywhere, at any time, as long as the heart is there and sincerity is there. For a long time, my church has taught me indirectly that fellowship is not necessary for my walk with God. That is not true. There is no greater joy than finding fellowship. Maybe when I was a kid, I experienced it, I remember it, and I loved it. But for a long time now the concept of fellowship has eluded me. Maybe the cure to depression is fellowship. Maybe it is God.
Forgiveness is the hardest thing for me to do. I cannot forgive the world, for treating me as if I amounted to nothing. For treating me as if I didn’t belong. Maybe I didn’t belong. Maybe I should have stayed in Taiwan. The food is great there, the education system is great there, the 24/7 studying I can relish, as long as all my peers are doing the same. Military service is no problem. Up to 20% unemployment rate is no problem. Living in a dirty urban atmosphere is no problem. Sometimes I dream I could read and write Chinese, sometimes I wake up and find my hundreds of Chinese children stories that I remember the plot and themes, yet can no longer read the words. I wonder if I can recover talents that have been aged away. If it’s possible, then I shall try. Can I forgive those who have hurt me by their selfish actions, even if they meant no harm or do not even know the depth of their cuts? I have to forgive my parents for not understanding a lost child in an age of information. I refused to change, I wanted to remain innocent. The world would not let me, nor tell me how to change. I enter college as a blank slate, even now my understanding of how the inner workings of culture works. My parents didn’t understand either, but persisted in keeping me solitude and deprived. Alas, when I utterly collapsed did my parents realized and apologized, for I have suffered, and they have suffered with me. May the future of my younger brother be blessed and full of happiness, as he will not have to share some of the problems I faced or will face in mine. Can I forgive my church for not coming to my aid? Even after evidence was leaked out and blasted in their faces? I am grateful of the encouragement and counseling I received after that event, but the real help I needed, I never received. To be honest, I felt as if I was being rejected even more. Some ask me now, why didn’t I try to get involve? Why do they have to come to me, why cannot I go to them? Why can I not seek the help I need. Didn’t? I believe I did. I never gave up. I persisted. Not all my efforts were in vain, but again circumstances kept me apart. Geographical distance, inept social skills, childhood brainwashing, depravation of culture, status as a high school male, and time restrictions all led to futile efforts and short-term relationships. What can I do? I refused to give up though, but again, freshmen year in college, circumstances kept me from finding fellowship. Even though I met some people in ACF, like Joy, Tiffany, Kevin, and Jeff, I wanted to maintain relationships I have already formed, and entered Overflow. At first I thought I was amazing. The power of American Christianity never ceases to amaze me. But alas, the people I knew started leaving, and I felt abandoned. The small group I attended chose to be a poor one, one that has already build strong walls of memories, feelings, and culture around them. I couldn’t break through. Thus, I eventually left second semester, as well as taking a break from my walk with God. I focused my entire attention and energy into getting to know my floor. Whether that succeeded, time will tell. Again circumstances led me to be in the smallest class to consist of Asian Christians. Even though I know them now, the lost of one year of time spent without them will be a huge impact. I now feel blessed for having entered Asian Christian Fellowship my sophomore year. Some things I will remain bitter about, as all the efforts are one-sided. No one sought me out, no one took time to get to know me, to disciple me, to reach out to me, or to congratulate me. But I never gave up. It felt like the first few times at GPC, where after the sermon, there would be a social, but I felt left out. I felt as if each time I go, it was my first time. I was a newcomer, to be greeted, but greeted shallowly. I knew no one, and I felt left out of all conversations. Again, regardless of my feelings and pessimism I continued to go. I now see the fruit of my efforts, but wonder how deep the ties truly are? Have I finally found my dream, an “Asian Christian fellowship” I have long wanted back home in KC that I saw elsewhere across the world? Will I be disappointed in the future? Can I even be disappointed now that I have come so far? That is the question.
When people did not provide the things I need, did they wrong me? Even if they were the only ones who could? What if they didn’t even know? Is there any responsibility for them to provide? What if they did know, and intentionally refuse? What if said people didn’t even know who I am? Is there anyone to blame but myself? Or can I not even judge myself? Does God command me to forgive all who have wronged me? Even if they don’t know the person whom they have wronged, or don’t know they have wronged, or refused to admit they have wronged?
Who am I to judge, but who am I to dangle a piece of meat and a jug of water in front of a starving child, and refuse to acknowledge his plight and relieve him of his suffering.
Is the answer to forgive and forget? The painful memories still bring me to the ground in tears whenever I remember. Can I be forgiven? Can God take the pain away?
What if the answer is to confront these people? I don’t know if I can bear their confused looks, their pity, and their apologies. I don’t even know if I want to hear their apologies, or ever forgive them deep in my heart. I do not know if I can forget the pain I have suffered, even though I have forgave them.
What I do know is I cannot remain as I am, bitter and entrenched by my memories and my pain. I do not want to live out my nightmares that plague me during the night. Life is too wonderful for that. God is too powerful and loving for that. I will see what I can do. I will change. I will grow.