This was supposed to be from the time i was supposed to share my weather forecast at Fall Conference, but never did...i was the only one who didn't share. So i thought about sharing about what i was going to say but never did, but a lot has happened since then. So ill just mingle it all together in one go. So here we go!
So, first of all, i'm finally going to fully confront my past. All the bitterness, all the distrust with christians (especially asians), has to stop. I cannot keep on living my life like that. I cannot keep on committing myself to those stupid rules i established for myself. Stuff like never asking a girl for their phone number or IM, deleting contacts that weren't given to me by the specific person, never playing piano on worship team, never taking up leadership in a christian group, never making fun of girls etc. So many of my decisions i make in the present are already decided by my past. Its like i could never escape it, like the past is a parasite that has infected every aspect of my life now. My academic stress is caused by it. My spiritual tension is caused by it. My self-defeatist attitude is caused by it. My fear of girls is caused by it. I remember making that vow, after Catalyst, that i would never set foot back into my home church again. That is how anal i am, how much i try to revel in my past and how much i let it take over me. But i fought it. I made myself go to church by putting myself into a trap i couldn't escape. I will not say i enjoyed being back in the building, the setting. The sadness still hit me like a wave of energy, i was hurt by what i saw and what i heard. But, i can keep on making progress. That is what Fall Conference taught me. That is what true fellowship taught me. I never knew what it meant to have true fellowship until recently. It is not about singing koombaya songs together. It isn't about spending lots of time hanging out in groups, eating and playing games. It isn't about studying together or going to church together. I was jealous at all these when i saw others were doing them w/o me. I was jealous when i saw couples together when i knew that would never happen to me. I was jealous when i saw other churches having fellowship together and there is a sense of joy and unity that encompasses them. I guess i'm jealous of a lot of things. Only now, after truly being open with many people, guys and girls (gasp!) alike do i truly feel like i'm a part of the fellowship, a part of the body of Christ that i so longed for, for so many years. Its like a dream come true. Now that i have taken steps to leadership, i have broken some of the ultimatums ive set, i can move on. The past can go suck itself in the past. The problems i can fix, i will fix. God wills it. For the problems that can never be fixed, unless i can teleport back into time and will it to be changed, they can be buried in the past. That will be a locked chest i will never open again. I will not say its easy, as i already had major set backs, like being turned down by my potential co-leader and potential GIG invites. I am still plagued by broken promises and misunderstandings. Why do people think i am serious and quiet all the time? It is because i present myself as that. I am cautious and distrustful with the people i want to impress. I am unable to let go of my facade, unable to break down all the barriers i've set up over the past years. Any little thing gets to me, i live my life in a "life and death" scenario. Little things that other people can laugh at or shrug off, i cannot do. I will cut me deep, like an arrow that pierces my chest. I cannot live my life like this...I will give my life to God. I will allow him to hold my broken and fickle heart in his hands, so he can mold it and make a steadfast heart out of it.
When i look back, technically i was never reached out to by ACF my freshmen year, and i came into ACF sophomore year really wondering why God has led me here...again. It was my first step to moving forward in my life. I will always record that Labor Day weekend in my life as a turning point. It is the re-lighting of my pilot light to pursue a real life for God. My bitterness for Overflow, my bitterness towards Grace Fellowship, my bitterness towards ACF, its melting. May God be the sun which melts the ice around my heart.
Ah the girl problem. Most of you who read my blog already knows who she is, those who don't, heh heh heh. Seems like this is something was to be expected here, but never showed up all these years. This has been on my mind for almost 2 years, not even starting with her specifically, but any girl i would pursue in the future. For the longest time, and maybe even now, i believed i could go my entire life as being single. I feared girls, i don't understand them, and i've been majorly hurt by them in the past. I can be a Paul, and serve God w/o marriage. Oath of celibacy maybe? Who knows. But when i saw this girl, first day of gen chem, i was like "she is the most beautiful girl i have ever seen." I didn't realize it, but i started crushing after her. What happened to asexual Dan? What happened to he who crushed crushes? I'm still a human, im still a boy, but i've always been pretty good about these things. But she changed my thoughts, changed my viewpoint of my future. Sometimes, i convinced myself in my mind that i joined ACF sophomore year because i saw her at large group. Sometimes i convince myself that i joined BYOQ because i knew she was there. Sometimes i convinced myself that the summer was unbearably horrible because i was jealous when i saw her with other guys, hanging out, having fun, allowing them to touch her all over. My jealously sky rocketed, and my life became bleak. I vowed i would never go to Chicago again, and was dead centered to go to Vancouver. I guess God told me that wouldn't do, and called me to go to Chicago later that summer to not only confront my jealousy, but to just have a good time. I reunited with my best friend Dyu, and i got to re-explore Chi-town and meet up with alumni from WashU Jimmy Chang. I was truly happy at the time. But back to her...why did i like her? What was different about her from all other girls in this world? I don't know. I can't say. Its hard. Maybe i liked her hair. I actually seem to be more physically attracted to girls with longer hair. It has always been this way since i was little, and its been the same now. But i like her smile, i like her face. I like how she laughs, and how she treats everyone with courtesy and sincerity. I am amazed by her perseverance in life, and her love for children and cute things. Sometimes i believe she parallels my personality, sometimes i think she compliments it. I don't really know, because i never tried to get to know her. Maybe i knew it wasn't just a crush when i realized i can remember everything she has told me, and how i can quote her many months later what she has said. There was one time, i asked her why she left BYOQ for a Grace Fellowship small group, and she gave me a few reasons. Just last week, i forgot why, i recited her reasons as similar reasons why i decided to join a Grace Fellowship small group this year. She was like "did i say those things? I can't remember." But i do, and i realized that i have been. That is the pity of the story, of my life. I allowed my past to get in the way, i allowed my fear to get in the way. The defeatist attitude told me that i could never bring someone into my life only to share the burdens of my problems. Not only her, but almost everyone i met. I kept my distance because i didn't want to burden others, to have others worry about me. I hate people worrying about me. I'd rather live behind a facade of strength and chillness than let people know the broken me inside. It is a sense of pride, to hide your weaknesses. I know that full well. Well, after 1 year of over-thinking things, whether i truly cared for her or it was just a crush or a phase, after a summer of being jealous, i decided it was time. I believe that its been long enough, and now i should get to know her. I don't know myself that well yet. Am i a person who rather date someone i really really know? Am i someone who likes to take things slow? Am i a romantic? Possibly, its in my genes. So, i guess i focused my heart, and built up the courage to confess my feelings, to be honest and direct. But every chance i took, she was never there. And then i found out, and maybe have always known, that she liked someone else, and was going to be decisive and confess to him. I have the highest respect and admiration for her. In this day, not many girls will do that. This shows she knows what she wants, she knows what will make her happy, and she is not afraid to go for it. I will say i was not as devastated as i thought i would be. I don't know why, but i took the news pretty well. Sure, i did sit in the shower for an hour, thinking it over, trying to cry and release my emotions, but the tears never came. I guess they never will come. I hope it is because, i truly care for her and wish her to be happy. If this is what she wants, then i will be happy for her. I guess people tell me this is unfair for me, that i can only ever watch others find joy in their lives, but that isn't true. I have always been a social person, and i find my joy in watching others find joy. I suffer when others suffer. And so i can confidently say i have found a sigh of relief and something to be joyful about. She and whoever she likes have my blessing. I will move on. I am still human, this will take me a long time to get over. I will not say i won't be jealous when i see them together. I know i will not be able to look at her in the eye, and will avoid her at all costs to save myself more pain. But, i truly, deeply am happy for her. May God protect me and continue to work in my life. May i be able to help those i care deeply for, now and forever on.
So to finish off, my weather forecast is hurricanes. I've been though many hurricanes, or typhoons you would call them. I know what its like, to have many gallons of rain dumped on your head. I've seen the waves hit the islands like a battering ram. I've seen the cars fly into the air, and the buildings swept away by the murky dark river. So i know my life has been like that. It isn't light, it is quite heavy, and the rain has perpetrated for a long time. But maybe, just maybe, there are rays of hope. Hope is where the spirit is. The Helper is near me, and he will pull me into the patches of light where i can find peace and quiet, and then i shall face the full force of the storm head-on! Clearly something of this magnitude is hard to share in a very casual situation, like chapter time. But i'm hanging on. My suicidal days are in the past, my depression is in the past, my hate and anger is all in the past. I will keep moving on, on the dark and lonely road.
Some say i am carving my own path in life, but that isnt quite true. How can any mere mortal man do that in the face of the storm? I am still a human, though i may tell myself im not, and that im strong enough to weather it alone. That is not true, i need help, i need support, and i need the Lord my Father on my side. Hopefully, i can continue to grow and stand tall in the face of my tribulations.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
...
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life.
I believe it, i truly do.God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!
So, first of all, i'm finally going to fully confront my past. All the bitterness, all the distrust with christians (especially asians), has to stop. I cannot keep on living my life like that. I cannot keep on committing myself to those stupid rules i established for myself. Stuff like never asking a girl for their phone number or IM, deleting contacts that weren't given to me by the specific person, never playing piano on worship team, never taking up leadership in a christian group, never making fun of girls etc. So many of my decisions i make in the present are already decided by my past. Its like i could never escape it, like the past is a parasite that has infected every aspect of my life now. My academic stress is caused by it. My spiritual tension is caused by it. My self-defeatist attitude is caused by it. My fear of girls is caused by it. I remember making that vow, after Catalyst, that i would never set foot back into my home church again. That is how anal i am, how much i try to revel in my past and how much i let it take over me. But i fought it. I made myself go to church by putting myself into a trap i couldn't escape. I will not say i enjoyed being back in the building, the setting. The sadness still hit me like a wave of energy, i was hurt by what i saw and what i heard. But, i can keep on making progress. That is what Fall Conference taught me. That is what true fellowship taught me. I never knew what it meant to have true fellowship until recently. It is not about singing koombaya songs together. It isn't about spending lots of time hanging out in groups, eating and playing games. It isn't about studying together or going to church together. I was jealous at all these when i saw others were doing them w/o me. I was jealous when i saw couples together when i knew that would never happen to me. I was jealous when i saw other churches having fellowship together and there is a sense of joy and unity that encompasses them. I guess i'm jealous of a lot of things. Only now, after truly being open with many people, guys and girls (gasp!) alike do i truly feel like i'm a part of the fellowship, a part of the body of Christ that i so longed for, for so many years. Its like a dream come true. Now that i have taken steps to leadership, i have broken some of the ultimatums ive set, i can move on. The past can go suck itself in the past. The problems i can fix, i will fix. God wills it. For the problems that can never be fixed, unless i can teleport back into time and will it to be changed, they can be buried in the past. That will be a locked chest i will never open again. I will not say its easy, as i already had major set backs, like being turned down by my potential co-leader and potential GIG invites. I am still plagued by broken promises and misunderstandings. Why do people think i am serious and quiet all the time? It is because i present myself as that. I am cautious and distrustful with the people i want to impress. I am unable to let go of my facade, unable to break down all the barriers i've set up over the past years. Any little thing gets to me, i live my life in a "life and death" scenario. Little things that other people can laugh at or shrug off, i cannot do. I will cut me deep, like an arrow that pierces my chest. I cannot live my life like this...I will give my life to God. I will allow him to hold my broken and fickle heart in his hands, so he can mold it and make a steadfast heart out of it.
When i look back, technically i was never reached out to by ACF my freshmen year, and i came into ACF sophomore year really wondering why God has led me here...again. It was my first step to moving forward in my life. I will always record that Labor Day weekend in my life as a turning point. It is the re-lighting of my pilot light to pursue a real life for God. My bitterness for Overflow, my bitterness towards Grace Fellowship, my bitterness towards ACF, its melting. May God be the sun which melts the ice around my heart.
Ah the girl problem. Most of you who read my blog already knows who she is, those who don't, heh heh heh. Seems like this is something was to be expected here, but never showed up all these years. This has been on my mind for almost 2 years, not even starting with her specifically, but any girl i would pursue in the future. For the longest time, and maybe even now, i believed i could go my entire life as being single. I feared girls, i don't understand them, and i've been majorly hurt by them in the past. I can be a Paul, and serve God w/o marriage. Oath of celibacy maybe? Who knows. But when i saw this girl, first day of gen chem, i was like "she is the most beautiful girl i have ever seen." I didn't realize it, but i started crushing after her. What happened to asexual Dan? What happened to he who crushed crushes? I'm still a human, im still a boy, but i've always been pretty good about these things. But she changed my thoughts, changed my viewpoint of my future. Sometimes, i convinced myself in my mind that i joined ACF sophomore year because i saw her at large group. Sometimes i convince myself that i joined BYOQ because i knew she was there. Sometimes i convinced myself that the summer was unbearably horrible because i was jealous when i saw her with other guys, hanging out, having fun, allowing them to touch her all over. My jealously sky rocketed, and my life became bleak. I vowed i would never go to Chicago again, and was dead centered to go to Vancouver. I guess God told me that wouldn't do, and called me to go to Chicago later that summer to not only confront my jealousy, but to just have a good time. I reunited with my best friend Dyu, and i got to re-explore Chi-town and meet up with alumni from WashU Jimmy Chang. I was truly happy at the time. But back to her...why did i like her? What was different about her from all other girls in this world? I don't know. I can't say. Its hard. Maybe i liked her hair. I actually seem to be more physically attracted to girls with longer hair. It has always been this way since i was little, and its been the same now. But i like her smile, i like her face. I like how she laughs, and how she treats everyone with courtesy and sincerity. I am amazed by her perseverance in life, and her love for children and cute things. Sometimes i believe she parallels my personality, sometimes i think she compliments it. I don't really know, because i never tried to get to know her. Maybe i knew it wasn't just a crush when i realized i can remember everything she has told me, and how i can quote her many months later what she has said. There was one time, i asked her why she left BYOQ for a Grace Fellowship small group, and she gave me a few reasons. Just last week, i forgot why, i recited her reasons as similar reasons why i decided to join a Grace Fellowship small group this year. She was like "did i say those things? I can't remember." But i do, and i realized that i have been. That is the pity of the story, of my life. I allowed my past to get in the way, i allowed my fear to get in the way. The defeatist attitude told me that i could never bring someone into my life only to share the burdens of my problems. Not only her, but almost everyone i met. I kept my distance because i didn't want to burden others, to have others worry about me. I hate people worrying about me. I'd rather live behind a facade of strength and chillness than let people know the broken me inside. It is a sense of pride, to hide your weaknesses. I know that full well. Well, after 1 year of over-thinking things, whether i truly cared for her or it was just a crush or a phase, after a summer of being jealous, i decided it was time. I believe that its been long enough, and now i should get to know her. I don't know myself that well yet. Am i a person who rather date someone i really really know? Am i someone who likes to take things slow? Am i a romantic? Possibly, its in my genes. So, i guess i focused my heart, and built up the courage to confess my feelings, to be honest and direct. But every chance i took, she was never there. And then i found out, and maybe have always known, that she liked someone else, and was going to be decisive and confess to him. I have the highest respect and admiration for her. In this day, not many girls will do that. This shows she knows what she wants, she knows what will make her happy, and she is not afraid to go for it. I will say i was not as devastated as i thought i would be. I don't know why, but i took the news pretty well. Sure, i did sit in the shower for an hour, thinking it over, trying to cry and release my emotions, but the tears never came. I guess they never will come. I hope it is because, i truly care for her and wish her to be happy. If this is what she wants, then i will be happy for her. I guess people tell me this is unfair for me, that i can only ever watch others find joy in their lives, but that isn't true. I have always been a social person, and i find my joy in watching others find joy. I suffer when others suffer. And so i can confidently say i have found a sigh of relief and something to be joyful about. She and whoever she likes have my blessing. I will move on. I am still human, this will take me a long time to get over. I will not say i won't be jealous when i see them together. I know i will not be able to look at her in the eye, and will avoid her at all costs to save myself more pain. But, i truly, deeply am happy for her. May God protect me and continue to work in my life. May i be able to help those i care deeply for, now and forever on.
So to finish off, my weather forecast is hurricanes. I've been though many hurricanes, or typhoons you would call them. I know what its like, to have many gallons of rain dumped on your head. I've seen the waves hit the islands like a battering ram. I've seen the cars fly into the air, and the buildings swept away by the murky dark river. So i know my life has been like that. It isn't light, it is quite heavy, and the rain has perpetrated for a long time. But maybe, just maybe, there are rays of hope. Hope is where the spirit is. The Helper is near me, and he will pull me into the patches of light where i can find peace and quiet, and then i shall face the full force of the storm head-on! Clearly something of this magnitude is hard to share in a very casual situation, like chapter time. But i'm hanging on. My suicidal days are in the past, my depression is in the past, my hate and anger is all in the past. I will keep moving on, on the dark and lonely road.
Some say i am carving my own path in life, but that isnt quite true. How can any mere mortal man do that in the face of the storm? I am still a human, though i may tell myself im not, and that im strong enough to weather it alone. That is not true, i need help, i need support, and i need the Lord my Father on my side. Hopefully, i can continue to grow and stand tall in the face of my tribulations.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
...
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life.
I believe it, i truly do.God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!
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