Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we boast in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us. - Romans 5

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Fall Conference 2009

A little late, due to Quant Phys midterm and Thermo ("hot") midterm.

First of all, when going to this year's Fall Conference, i was very apprehensive about it. I didn't find the fellowship i desired at Catalyst, and since the setting of this year's Fall Conference was very similar, i didn't think i was gonna get anything out of it either. When i got there, it definitely felt like it was gonna be the same, and even though i lowered my standards pretty low, it didn't feel like it was gonna be different. First of all, when i saw how the ACF small groups were divide for the guys, i thought in my mind "really? REALLY? What happened to everything we preached about before? Aren't we gonna be more open to each other, to be a united fellowship instead of divide among click lines?" I was pretty quiet and annoyed for most of those sessions...seems like a trend i've developed, even during Catalyst and City Lights. I proposed to unify the small groups, but i guess that didn't happen, oh wells.
The speaker Len (Lan) was a humble old guy, who spoke mostly about scenarios and his experience at KU inviting international students to his house. It really touched me personally, and i want to be like him, as my interest has always been to reach out to international friends too (hence my plans to mission in China hopefully). He really reminded me of Randy Dolan, who did the exact same thing way back when at MU. He was willing to share his home and his time and his love for God to international students from Taiwan. Hey, if he never had done that, then my mom and my dad wouldn't have met at bible study, and where would i be? I really want to talk to Randy about that, how i could move my life in that direction. The last i heard from him, he was in rural China ministering and helping leper colonies, abandoned by the Chinese Government. I wonder sometimes if he has any connection to Mizzou ACF?
Well since i mentioned Mizzou ACF, it was great seeing them again. I wish i could visit them, as right now i really want to go to their Subtitles meeting, but can't due to commitments to my ACF large group...its k. It was nice talking to Philip, Andrew, Esther, Nan, Tim, and Jay and catch up a little since summer. It was also nice meeting all the newer people too. I promise the next time i go home, i will stop by their campus and hang out with them. It was also cool to meet up with Robert Morales again, his enthusiasm and charisma definitely is infective, and helped me get through Catalyst without leaving (though the camp guards played a part too, damn 11:30 curfew).
So while worrying about the state of ACF's fellowship, worrying about my BME midterm, and worrying about thinking too much in the state of allowability (definitely just made a word up...), i was getting a little disappointed around saturday night. I wasn't really reaching out to the new people in ACF, and i really wasn't getting closer to the oldies in ACF either. And i definitely wasn't gonna get anywhere with the ACF girls. So, as a person who values relationships, friendships, and fellowship the most, even though i eliminated all other expectations, i concluded i just wasn't gonna get anything. But, as soon as i thought that, i knew it couldn't continue. The past is the past, the present is now, and God has a future for me, always. So, i ended up just talking to God in the corner during singspiration and just took the time to re-align my heart to God, asking him to give me a steadfast and hallelujah heart. After that moment, i knew i have changed, and i think others may have noticed too.
The kicker of the conference, of course, was the heart-to-heart we had right after among the guys. That was what i was looking for, for so long, all these years. It was what i wanted at Catalyst. It was what i wanted at Guy Getaway. And now i have it. I opened myself up fully, eliminating all the walls and barriers i had developed over the years against Christians and Asian Christians. Definitely told everyone who i've liked for a while...hmmm. Collateral? Cuz they shared their love interests and problems first. Now i feel im really close to them, and can share just about anything. This is what i call a real fellowship. I guess you can say that was the thing i've been waiting for in ACF, why i never could feel like i was a part of the fellowship, no matter how much i try to do, how much i try to care about others, how much people say i belong. I guess it was the fulfillment of my dream, my only dream since i was little and could acknowledge Christianity as a lifestyle vs. a religion.
So, to sum it up, Fall Conference seem to be the conference that changes my life the most and i enjoy the most. Fall Conference '08 led me to get to know a lot of the ACF'ers, and build relationships with roommates there. This time, it was the fulfillment of my long-standing dream, the spark of my confidence for the future in leadership, and fuel my intention to try to build relationships among WashU's fellowships. I think this experience made me decide to go to Urbana. I have some reasons why i wouldn't want to go. But i'll see. 20,000+ Christians, speakers from all over the world, one of the biggest inter-cultural events i will ever be allowed to attend. I'll see.
Maybe it was this experience which made me believe that i can become a leader. I've always had the gift of giving...doesn't quite make sense how it is a gift, and how it is different from the gift of serving, which makes even less sense...see Romans on Spiritual Gifts. And i have always been assigned leadership positions in my home church, ive never felt the confidence or the ability to lead others to Christ. I do understand the key to good leadership is responsibility and humility. The first shall be last. Now, i finally feel the confidence and the support i need to become a leader in ACF. So i have decided to bring back the prayer meeting for my class, and start a GIG (group investigating God) for non-Christians that i've felt should have the chance to see the Christian faith in action. I think i'm ready for leadership now. The future of ACF is now in my hands, as well as others, and it always has been. Now i know, its not too late.

I don't want to live a ritualistic life. I want to live a real life.

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