Home is where the Heart is

I am appalled by how much i have regressed.

I forgot the key thing: God's love has been one-sided for a long time.

Then why do i need fellowship? And is my heart there?
Is this a decision i can make, a judgment call i can make without fooling myself?
Am i even allowed to bring others in, when i dont think i have a membership card yet?
And do i have any right at all to be jealous of others...those i bring who are readily accepted yet i am denied?
No

Where is my resolve now...

Now the biggest question is: is it more painful to have had and lost or never to have had before?

Edit: a friend's answer = true love hurts. A defining characteristic.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

"LOVE is something you DO, not FEEL"