Random Bloggings

I have noticed that people blog more during certain circumstances. Usually this involves times of stress and loneliness.

Anyways...

With the onset of many girls asking me many personal questions (for bro-sis of course), and with the general atmosphere of the event, I have come to realize a few facts about myself as well. Though I do find it curious how many girls I've actually met on the bro-sis list, it was also very painful that I was unable to confidently say I knew many of them well. Actually, by my own definition of "knowing a girl well," I found that I knew none of them well. But what is the social definition of "knowing a girl well" anyways? Anyways, all it means is I should start finding out what the other half of the human race has to share and offer to me. Fear, be gone!

I should trust people more. I remember, back in the day, when I was one of the most open persons around. I would think highly of everyone, and entrust my time, energy, and care into basically everyone I met. I also remember how much trouble my trust caused: bringing strangers into my house, only to find out they been stealing money and valuables, failing projects and reports because my partner was unreliable, being mentally and physically destroyed when best friends blindly break away all ties. Maybe this is the reason I'm so bitter against California, and yet feel kind of attached to it. My past...need to throw it away and start anew, with the chance I have been given.

One of the most motivating things anyone have ever told me was my ability to make friends and care for the underdog. A good friend pointed out that the reason why he respected me so much was my ability to approach him so many years ago and boldly say "I think we should be friends." I actually don't remember that moment, nor did I even fathom the enormous impact that had on his life, but now I feel like my calling is becoming more and more clear. I was glad that someone (multiple people over the last semester) could come to me and say "please bring me into ACF, I want to know them more." I remember my years as a freshmen, I would wish people would say that to me, and come to me, intentionally, to bring me in. That never happened, and I was heartbroken. Sophomore year, my fellow spiritual conversationalists encouraged me to pursue once again ACF. It is most curious how much ACF fights with bandminton for people. The number one reason why I didn't join ACF was because of that sport, a sport I couldn't even spell at the time, nor play, nor even seen anyone play in real life. I guess...I'm a little deprived living in suburban Kansas City where no one plays it. Being reminded of how much I have touched people in the past, and how much of a leadership role I have played back in the day, has brought back some confidence that was lost somewhere in the maze of life.

I should try to play some piano again. I should practice again. My fingers are rusty, and my bitterness is gone. I think it is time to start up again, no? Practice them scales...where's my black book when I need it?

I think I have made it a pastime to read other people's blogs. Is it a way to get to know them better? Is it a way to care for them more, to see their words strewn upon the computer screen? Or is it just another way of technology simplifying and replacing real relationships. I have found that a lot of my time is spent talking to people on skype, MSN, and gtalk. I also remember saying many years ago that I would never use these things. What has changed? And can real relationships really form from these "instant messaging" clients? Is speed the key to the game nowadays, where information transfer is important to win the race to success? I theorize what the world would look like if one day the internet was shut down. For just one day, would the world be thrown into chaos and be unveiled to be the needy and dependent society it really is?

It is interesting how much "cancer" can affect one's life. Not only was I a twin to cancer, but this disease has plagued my entire childhood (not directly fyi). Maybe it is the reason why my childhood was a bit different from other people. Well that doesn't matter anymore, as one's childhood plays a minor role in who a person is now. Debate me one this if you want, I will probably lose. But what brought this up was the introduction of Relay For Life into my life. It is a curious thought why I have never joined a team in high school or the two years of college. Very curious indeed. I don't have a coherent reasoning, but it probably goes back to my bitterness. Funny how everything goes back to it. Meh. Now that it is gone, a friend encouraged me to join Relay For Life to reflect the suffering I've had to endure because of it and take action to help others and prevent it in the future. I was taken aback when I get emails from people I know personally doing Relay For Life and have people in their families who are suffering from cancer. It tears me apart inside, knowing that I have been ignoring this part of my life for so long. I will see what I can do. As a BME, this is one course of option, though I have never considered it, that I can take in the future.

What started from a break from researching for my ethics debate turned into a outpouring of my heart. I do not believe that I write these blogs with my readers in mind, as I know they are few, but I wish I could be more honest in face-to-face conversations and do not have to rely on the internet to share my feelings. The true ones, I still keep hidden.

Edit: One of the most painful moments in life is worrying whether a loved one is going to live or die. When those moments happen to people around me that I care about (which should be everyone), I want to do everything I can for them.