What i'll never have, but what i'll give

So today, Andrea spoke on loving those not like ourselves, aka our enemies. I obviously first thought of the Koreans, with their cultural pride, arrogance, and disrespect for human life and morals. But, when i analyzed the situation, and saw deep into my heart, i found something more realistic and ugly.

I shared with Stephen and Andrew about this. What i told them was i treated those who are better off than me as my enemies. I saw those who have it all: luxury, relationships, grades, things that i have always wanted my entire life, but could never have. I would watch them, walking around campus, sitting in my classes, laughing and enjoying life as if there was no struggles, no pain, no suffering in their lives. I watched, and my eyes grew envious. My heart turned to jealousy. I find it really really hard to build a relationship with those whom i find don't need my time and my care. I don't think they need my love, and would be better off without it.

But, God has told me to love my enemies. What i don't have is the amazing-ness i long for in their lives. I see what i would like to be, and look down at myself.

What i do have is God's love. This is true love. This is reality, and life. This is what i have, and what i can give. It is like Acts 3, when Peter told the lame man, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." I find that i do not have the silver and gold i am jealous of; the silver and gold of life. I long for it, i dreamed of it my entire life. I watched from a young age others all around me, who had it, and i grew bitter against them. I found pride in myself for being different from them. But now, i realize, they are people too. And they need God. Guess what? That's is what i have, and that is what i will give to them. I won't just befriend the weak and the poor. I can help those rich in life. As i have mentioned before, my strongest spiritual gift by far is Giving. That is what i was born to do, the way God has made me.

As it says in Romans 12:8, may i be able to give generously to all, all the days of my life.
continuation of my ultimatum...