I don’t have a youth pastor. I don’t even have a pastor. The retired pastor had just suffered a heart attack and is recovering at his house, so I can’t really go see him and talk to him. Even if I did, I don’t know if it would change anything. I went to church for the second time all summer. I had to force myself to go, as in create a scenario for myself beforehand so that on Sunday I could either be stranded somewhere besides my own house or go to church. It wasn’t bad. I had my good friend from Chicago with me to face it. Quite a few adults wanted to see me too. But the truth still stands that I don’t feel connected to the church. Or that I do, but the church doesn’t want to connect with me now. Well, it’s been that way for 10 years now. Maybe it is time to let go.
I don’t know where my walk is right now. I still feel as passionate as I ever had been to help those around me, lead others to Christ, and to do something in the world for God’s kingdom. Even just yesterday I had a discussion with my parents about whether I should go to China for a year or two to mission a bit. They said it was hard, as it is prohibited to preach Christianity there, and would make finding a job or going to graduate school a problem when I get back. Even with all these plans, I still fear that my future isn’t looking its brightest, especially when the present isn’t holding well together.
... a few months later...
This summer…was an experience in itself. With a freedom of a car, I went to many places and did many things I’ve never done before. My first research experience wasn’t the best, but it was a success, and if my luck holds out, it will become the foot in the door to more opportunities. I met quite a lot of people if I really think about it, but I still felt lonely for the most part of the summer. To me, being in St. Louis was not really a vacation, but not quite like school either even though the atmosphere was the same. I spent too many hours in the library or the 2nd floor of the DUC or the Business School’s Mezzezine Rooms just thinking about how my life is playing out and how my interactions with other people makes any difference at all. I also think too much about my past that I can’t really give up, but must if I want to keep moving on without burden or bitterness.
Well to say the least, this summer was the most I’ve done with reaching out to other Christians. I enjoyed meeting and hanging out with the summer city lights people. It was great getting know those individuals and watch them devote their precious time to caring for underprivileged children and meeting a lot of people with different backgrounds from Iraq to Uganda and learning from Gerry Chappeau. I remember a person asked me whether that man had any other motives to do the charity work and outreaching he does in the community than doing it for God, and I believe I was able to answer sincerely that yes he does. I guess he’s a role model for me to keep in mind, and to meet up with later on in my stay at St. Louis. I just wish I am able to become like him, one-minded for God with my entire life devoted to following the commandments listed in Isaiah 1 and doing true service as summarized in Isaiah 58, his favorite two chapters. From interacting with the ACF Mizzou members and listening to Adam Leong’s donor speech, I was able to come up with a rough picture of how ACF Mizzou was set up, how it has grown, and what kinds of problems it has in attracting Asian members and managing Asian culture and Christianity together.
I also attended both Jean’s discipleship group and the Overflow small group over the course of the summer. The Overflow small group was just for a fellowship, and to reconcile with the members I’ve abandoned when I left Overflow. I was amazed at how many remembered me, yet it still saddens me that the number of people who I saw and know I’ve met didn’t remember me anymore, and I had to give hints for the others to remember I once attended Overflow and worshiped together with them. Oh well, I guess people are just people. It was still a good experience, and I made new relationships to replace the old pseudo-relationships. I went with them to a Christian concert, but I didn’t really know how to react to it, but that’s probably just me, who never been to any concerts before this summer and have only gone to watch symphonies and master piano sessions. Jean’s discipleship did help me understand and solidify my foundation for evangelizing to non-believers, but it also reminded me of all the fears and troubles I’ve had with ACF and left me wishing for more fellowship. I remember Jean saying that hopefully this group has grown closer with each one and can now share confidently with each other about faith and other deep spiritual topics. When I heard that, I immediately thought “not really, at least for me” and couldn’t get rid of that comment from my mind. Had I really been aloof and withdrawn from the group? Where was the fellowship? Was it me who wasn’t doing enough, or was it unavoidable for it to be this way? It still leaves this empty crawling feeling within me that I really had hope would go away when I wished for more fellowship at the end of school in May and during Catalyst, but has only build upon itself over the course of these three months. I fear I won’t be able to live up to everyone’s expectations and keep to my promises when school starts this year. And I really wanted to help out and be a part of the fellowship.
Well I guess the highlight was the smash tournament in Champaign, Illinois. It was a one of a time experience, where you get to see people truly devoted to something and see all kinds of people converge for a single event. It was silly, but it was also moving, to see these hardcore gamers meet and compete in a friendly atmosphere. I was caught off guard when players would say good luck to me at the beginning of a match, and they always shook hands and congratulated each one cordially after it ended. It was fun to just hang out with peers on a road trip in a hotel, something I’ve only done once for a math competition in St. Louis, and it was just cards and sleep. At least we didn’t stay up all night playing smashies. For some reason, Chicago was the #1 destination of the summer. I can count off the top of my head 20+ people who went to Chicago, and the actual number is probably around 40 or 50, but I guess I shouldn’t creep around too much, just look at all the nifty pictures of people touring Chi-town. Well I guess my trip consists only of Chinatown and Northwestern Medical Campus. I really wanted to go to Shedd Aquarium, but that will have to wait for another day. I guess going to visit the Yu’s was my only true vacation, and the only time I truly felt free this summer without burden, responsibility, and the weight and agony of sorting through one’s mind.
Well, because of the smash tournament, I was unable to fulfill my last few goals in St. Louis, and so I wasn’t able to face GPC one last time. I was taken aback when I opened my email and see that I was put on the GF email list even though I refrained from contact and refused to update my email to them, maybe it’s a calling to give them a second chance? Or is it a third chance, or is it them giving me another chance, idk. I guess it’s up to my new suitemates or Shimmy to see if I go or not anymore. I given it a lot of thought, research, and prayer, and come up with the conclusion that I shouldn’t be as loyal, and stop putting the burden and blame upon myself, as if all the problems and mishaps in life are due somehow to my failure as a human and just allow myself to continue on and move to new fellowships and new environments that may be more friendly and healthy for me.
If anyone asked me how was my summer, I’ll probably say it was horrible or complex or give some other ambiguous or negative answer. Well, for my emotions and summation of time and energy focused on how much my life sucked this summer, one can conclude that the accumulation of negativity has made my summer an unpleasant one. But that is no excuse to all the great things that had happen, all the cool places I went to, all the new people I met, and the old relationships that have grown. I’ve collected an album of pictures to look at, to remember all the things that have happened to me, so that I’ll never forget. I learned that people are people: sinful, ungrateful, selfish, emotionally-driven, lazy, and forgetful. But they are also caring, funny, and there to rely on. And I guess there is always God, who is always watching and always there to give you another day, another chance, another pat on the back, another helping hand and warm shoulder. I guess I’m ready for school, for QP, for the future of ACF, for the future of my walk, for the future that everyone is looking forward to.
I don’t know where my walk is right now. I still feel as passionate as I ever had been to help those around me, lead others to Christ, and to do something in the world for God’s kingdom. Even just yesterday I had a discussion with my parents about whether I should go to China for a year or two to mission a bit. They said it was hard, as it is prohibited to preach Christianity there, and would make finding a job or going to graduate school a problem when I get back. Even with all these plans, I still fear that my future isn’t looking its brightest, especially when the present isn’t holding well together.
... a few months later...
This summer…was an experience in itself. With a freedom of a car, I went to many places and did many things I’ve never done before. My first research experience wasn’t the best, but it was a success, and if my luck holds out, it will become the foot in the door to more opportunities. I met quite a lot of people if I really think about it, but I still felt lonely for the most part of the summer. To me, being in St. Louis was not really a vacation, but not quite like school either even though the atmosphere was the same. I spent too many hours in the library or the 2nd floor of the DUC or the Business School’s Mezzezine Rooms just thinking about how my life is playing out and how my interactions with other people makes any difference at all. I also think too much about my past that I can’t really give up, but must if I want to keep moving on without burden or bitterness.
Well to say the least, this summer was the most I’ve done with reaching out to other Christians. I enjoyed meeting and hanging out with the summer city lights people. It was great getting know those individuals and watch them devote their precious time to caring for underprivileged children and meeting a lot of people with different backgrounds from Iraq to Uganda and learning from Gerry Chappeau. I remember a person asked me whether that man had any other motives to do the charity work and outreaching he does in the community than doing it for God, and I believe I was able to answer sincerely that yes he does. I guess he’s a role model for me to keep in mind, and to meet up with later on in my stay at St. Louis. I just wish I am able to become like him, one-minded for God with my entire life devoted to following the commandments listed in Isaiah 1 and doing true service as summarized in Isaiah 58, his favorite two chapters. From interacting with the ACF Mizzou members and listening to Adam Leong’s donor speech, I was able to come up with a rough picture of how ACF Mizzou was set up, how it has grown, and what kinds of problems it has in attracting Asian members and managing Asian culture and Christianity together.
I also attended both Jean’s discipleship group and the Overflow small group over the course of the summer. The Overflow small group was just for a fellowship, and to reconcile with the members I’ve abandoned when I left Overflow. I was amazed at how many remembered me, yet it still saddens me that the number of people who I saw and know I’ve met didn’t remember me anymore, and I had to give hints for the others to remember I once attended Overflow and worshiped together with them. Oh well, I guess people are just people. It was still a good experience, and I made new relationships to replace the old pseudo-relationships. I went with them to a Christian concert, but I didn’t really know how to react to it, but that’s probably just me, who never been to any concerts before this summer and have only gone to watch symphonies and master piano sessions. Jean’s discipleship did help me understand and solidify my foundation for evangelizing to non-believers, but it also reminded me of all the fears and troubles I’ve had with ACF and left me wishing for more fellowship. I remember Jean saying that hopefully this group has grown closer with each one and can now share confidently with each other about faith and other deep spiritual topics. When I heard that, I immediately thought “not really, at least for me” and couldn’t get rid of that comment from my mind. Had I really been aloof and withdrawn from the group? Where was the fellowship? Was it me who wasn’t doing enough, or was it unavoidable for it to be this way? It still leaves this empty crawling feeling within me that I really had hope would go away when I wished for more fellowship at the end of school in May and during Catalyst, but has only build upon itself over the course of these three months. I fear I won’t be able to live up to everyone’s expectations and keep to my promises when school starts this year. And I really wanted to help out and be a part of the fellowship.
Well I guess the highlight was the smash tournament in Champaign, Illinois. It was a one of a time experience, where you get to see people truly devoted to something and see all kinds of people converge for a single event. It was silly, but it was also moving, to see these hardcore gamers meet and compete in a friendly atmosphere. I was caught off guard when players would say good luck to me at the beginning of a match, and they always shook hands and congratulated each one cordially after it ended. It was fun to just hang out with peers on a road trip in a hotel, something I’ve only done once for a math competition in St. Louis, and it was just cards and sleep. At least we didn’t stay up all night playing smashies. For some reason, Chicago was the #1 destination of the summer. I can count off the top of my head 20+ people who went to Chicago, and the actual number is probably around 40 or 50, but I guess I shouldn’t creep around too much, just look at all the nifty pictures of people touring Chi-town. Well I guess my trip consists only of Chinatown and Northwestern Medical Campus. I really wanted to go to Shedd Aquarium, but that will have to wait for another day. I guess going to visit the Yu’s was my only true vacation, and the only time I truly felt free this summer without burden, responsibility, and the weight and agony of sorting through one’s mind.
Well, because of the smash tournament, I was unable to fulfill my last few goals in St. Louis, and so I wasn’t able to face GPC one last time. I was taken aback when I opened my email and see that I was put on the GF email list even though I refrained from contact and refused to update my email to them, maybe it’s a calling to give them a second chance? Or is it a third chance, or is it them giving me another chance, idk. I guess it’s up to my new suitemates or Shimmy to see if I go or not anymore. I given it a lot of thought, research, and prayer, and come up with the conclusion that I shouldn’t be as loyal, and stop putting the burden and blame upon myself, as if all the problems and mishaps in life are due somehow to my failure as a human and just allow myself to continue on and move to new fellowships and new environments that may be more friendly and healthy for me.
If anyone asked me how was my summer, I’ll probably say it was horrible or complex or give some other ambiguous or negative answer. Well, for my emotions and summation of time and energy focused on how much my life sucked this summer, one can conclude that the accumulation of negativity has made my summer an unpleasant one. But that is no excuse to all the great things that had happen, all the cool places I went to, all the new people I met, and the old relationships that have grown. I’ve collected an album of pictures to look at, to remember all the things that have happened to me, so that I’ll never forget. I learned that people are people: sinful, ungrateful, selfish, emotionally-driven, lazy, and forgetful. But they are also caring, funny, and there to rely on. And I guess there is always God, who is always watching and always there to give you another day, another chance, another pat on the back, another helping hand and warm shoulder. I guess I’m ready for school, for QP, for the future of ACF, for the future of my walk, for the future that everyone is looking forward to.
Amen!
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