There is always a wish of returning back to the place you just left, whether it is a vacation site, a camp, school, or home. There is the pain of leaving friends and memories behind, the fear that they will disappear forever into the unreachable past. Usually they go away, or you learn to move on.

What if those feelings consume you?

100 Truths

Someone made me do it...

WHAT WAS YOUR:
1. Last beverage: Ice Cold Water
2. Last phone call: Ingold Huang
3. Last text message: Anne Cheng
4. Last song you listened to: You Alone Can Rescue
5. Last time you cried: July 9th
6. Dated someone twice: Never
7. Been cheated on: Never
8. Kissed someone & regretted it: Yes
9. Lost someone special: Yes
10. Been depressed: Yes
11. Been drunk and threw up: No

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12: Orange
13: White
14: Forest Green

THIS YEAR HAVE YOU: (2010)
15. Made a new friend: Yes
16. Fallen out of love: Depends on what definition of Love
17. Laughed until you cried: Lol Yes
18. Met someone who changed you: Yes
19. Found out who your true friends were: Some
20. Found out someone was talking about you: Yes
21. Kissed anyone on your friend's list: No
22. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life: Most
23. How many kids do you want: 2, 1 older girl, 1 younger boy
24. Do you have any pets: yes, 1 dog
25. Do you want to change your name: Already did
26. What did you do for your last birthday: T_T
28. What were you doing at midnight last night: Extremely frustrated at my broken hard drive
29. Name something you CANNOT wait for: Love
30. Last time you saw your Mother: 2 Months Ago
31. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life: A Lot
32. What are you listening to right now: Nothing
33. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom: Yes
34. Who's getting on your nerves right now: People
35. Most visited webpage: Facebook unfortunately (just checked Mozilla)
36. Whats your real name: Kuang-Pu
37. Nicknames: Pu Pu. KPLD. The Flying Pickle. Daniel-son, Daniel-San, Dan, Dan the Man, Kung Pao
38. Relationship Status: Single, Christian
39. Zodiac: Snake
40. Male or female: Male
41. Primary School: Graden Elementary School
42. Secondary School: Lakeview Middle School
43. High school/college: Park Hill South High School/ Washington University in St. Louis
44. Hair color: Black
45. Long or short: Medium for a Guy
46. Height: like 5'9
47. Do you have a crush on someone: Yes
48: What do you like about yourself: I’m humble
49. Piercings: Nope
50. Tattoos: None
51. Righty or lefty: Right-handed

FIRSTS :
52. First surgery: Shin
53. First piercing: None
54. First best friend: Daniel Yu
55. First sport you joined: Soccer
56. First vacation: US
58. First pair of trainers: 1 year-ish

RIGHT NOW:
59. Eating: Nothing
60. Drinking: Water
61. I'm about to: Answer this question
62. Listening to: Nothing
63. Waiting for: Someone to call me to go to Uncle Bills

YOUR FUTURE :
64. Want kids: Yes
65. Get married: Hopefully
66. Career: Unknown (BME: research, industry)

WHICH IS BETTER :
67. Lips or eyes: Eyes
68. Hugs or kisses: Hugs
69. Shorter or taller: Shorter
70. Older or Younger: Younger
71. Romantic or spontaneous: Romantic
72. Nice stomach or nice arms: Unimportant
73. Sensitive or loud: I can deal with both
74. Hook-up or relationship: Relationship

HAVE YOU EVER :
76. Kissed a stranger: No
77. Drank hard liquor: No
78. Lost glasses/contacts: Down the Kansas River
79. Sex on first date: No
80. Broken someone's heart: No
82. Been arrested: No
83. Turned someone down: No
84. Cried when someone died: Yes
85. Fallen For A Friend: Yes

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
86. Yourself: Not enough
87. Miracles: Yes
88. Love at first sight: No
89. Heaven: Yes
90. Santa Claus: Yes
91. Kiss on the first date: No
92. Angels: Yes 

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:
94. Had more than 1 girlfriend/boyfriend at a time: Never
95. Did you sing today: Yes
96. Ever cheated on somebody: No
97. If you could go back in time, how far would you go: Before 4th grade
98. The moment you would choose to relive: All the past mistakes, to fix them
99. Are you afraid of falling in love: Yes, but anxiously waiting as well
100. Are you afraid of posting this as 100 truths: Yes

I discovered I am not afraid of roller coasters, though previously I thought I was. I will even go as far as to say I get bored on them, and enjoyed the screaming people next to me than the ride itself.

To be honest, I found the roller coaster ride in Despicable Me more dizzying and exhilarating.

Two Points

I find proximity is the most dangerous thing in a relationship, whether romantic or platonic. The closer the distance, the more risk of the Hedgehog Syndrome, the greater the hurt. The farther the distance, the more risk of becoming languid in the relationship or the temptation of fleeting emotions.

Communication is key. And I find communication and proximity are dependent on one another.

Epic Fails

Epic fail is when I wake up early in the morning, drag my friend out of bed to drive me to the license bureau to renew my license after my21st birthday. After driving to the front of the license bureau, I walk up to the front door, only to look and see a building completely abandoned, as if people hastily put everything onto a U-haul within an hour the day before. Finding a substitute license bureau was a hassle, and only by asking directions from a bank teller from Bank of America did my friend and I realized we have driven 3 blocks too far. The other license bureau was next to a McDonalds, where we ate after realizing the wait was about 1 hour. After waiting the 1 hour, and visiting the neighboring Rent-A-Center (which I've never been to before, very interesting place and saw all-in-one computers for the first time) I got up to the bureau worker and asked for a renewal. After taking one look at my license, she handed it back to me, and told me it expires 2011 on my birthday. I was too dumbfounded to ask if I could renew it one year early. My friend and I had many laughs of embarrassment on the way back. Oh funny day.

Epic fail is going to Central West End, parking on Maryland, and walking 4 blocks north, then 4 blocks south to get to Coffee Cartel, and then walk the same way back, only to realize that a straight path west on Maryland would have led us directly to CC (no wonder our friends, who left later than us, beat us to the location by 10 minutes). Oh, and pretending to be drunk in CWE around midnight was a blast.

Epic fail is attempting to change a flat tire, put the luge nuts on backwards, resulting in the axles getting bend and the wheel getting torn apart. I was told that I am lucky that I'm still alive, and that if I had continued to drive on the wheel, it would have fallen off and caused the car to crash.

"The power of unconditional love. I mean, there is no power on earth like unconditional love. And I think that if you offered that to your child, I mean, you’re 90 percent of the way home. There may be days when you don’t feel like it — it’s not uncritical love; that’s a different animal — but to know you can always come back, that is huge in life. That takes you a long, long way. And I would say that every parent out there that can extend that to their child at an early age, it’s going to make for a better human being." - Warren Buffet

How does a person know he or she is being used by another person?

If neither believes so, does that make it so? If I believe I am being used, then I am being used. If I don't believe so, but the other person believes so, then I'm being used. So if neither believes they are being used or using their friend, then if is a honest friendship, and not just "friends with benefits."

Are there exceptions? Absolute cases?

I do not believe all relationship are based upon using each other, despite many people I know who hold this view. Yes, I have "friends with benefits," but I also have friends who do not. Its all in your perspective. I believe there are friends who give their entire fortune, their entire dreams and goals, their life to another friend without asking anything in return, and both know it was done out of care for each other. I also believe that romantic relationships should be 100 to 0, instead of 50 to 50. Each person gives 100% of their care for the other, without expectations or asking anything in return. If both people do this, then what can separate them?

Am I being too idealistic here? Or realistic?

Dramas...I started to watch a drama again after a long time w/o watching any. Very different I would say from the typical stuff I watch. Within the first episode I remember why I do not watch TV dramas: they are too idealistic, especially for a person who desires REAL above all else.

So by episode 6 the main male protagonist is diagnosed with a brain tumor (typical), but has a male role model who also has a brain tumor and is recovering fast from it. He is recovering so fast that soon he will undergo his last bit of treatment and then proceed to get married to the love of his life. His motivational speech is obviously "do not give up" and "write your own fate." Regardless, he suddenly dies farther into the episode, dashing the dreams and hopes of the young protagonist and leaving his fiancee with only a death certificate as a reminder of his love and promises. At this part I laughed, saying, "this is too much of a lolfest to happen in real life. No one can die suddenly like that." Right after I said this, I remember a topic of another post. I does happen in real life, and I have seen it. I remember to that day, when a father was discharged from the hospital to be reunited with his family. That night my family visited their abode, congratulating them on the successful removal of his brain tumor. I myself saw him walk, stand, talk, and laugh. It was only a few hours later were we notified that he died only a little while later of hemorrhage in the brain.

I remember walking to his tombstone with his widow.

Wow, so drama can take on a realistic turn coincidentally, or is reality looking more like a drama?

What is Love?

Its so simple, yet its so hard.
So what is Love?
How do I find it?
How do I define it?

Well, lets start with whats not Love.
Love is not a feeling. This quote explains it all.
"Love is not a feeling. If it was.. marriage vows make no sense… you can't promise to have a feeling. feelings change. Love is a commitment of the will to the true good of another person."

Love is not chemicals.
"A team of scientists recently found that romantic love involves chemical changes in the brain that last 12 to 18 months. After that, you and your partner are on your own."

Then what is it?
It is a verb? Is it a state of existence or mind? Is it a noun, where you can "accumulate" it and "assimilate" it into yourself?

From a Christian perspective, God is Love. What does that mean?
You look at one of the most quoted verses in the Bible 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

It describes Love, but never tells you what Love IS. Only elsewhere do we see those same traits equated with the God of the Bible.

You might as well tell all of us that we can never Love or never possess Love...

What are some other definitions of Love?

"Dance like no one is watching. Sing like no one is listening. Love like you've never been hurt and live like it's heaven on Earth." - Mark Twain

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." - Robert A. Heinlein

"Love is needing someone. Love is putting up with someone's bad qualities because they somehow complete you." -Sarah Dessen

"Love is like the wind, you can't see it but you can feel it" - Nicholas Sparks

"Where there is love there is life." -Ghandi

"Love is an irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired." - Robert Frost

"Love is a fire. But whether it is going to warm your hearth or burn down your house, you can never tell." - Joan Crawford

I still like my ex-suitemate's definition of Love the best. You can read it here:

I Love You

Trust me. It is really good.

How do you find Love?
I have always wondered, whether the state of a person called "in love" lasts? I have equated it the combination of hormones and feelings, concocted by the body and soul. But is there more? Shouldn't a person love their friends, family, even their pets? What is the difference between a friendship and a romance, beside said chemicals and feelings which do not last.

Is there True Love?
People tell me young couples they know have True Love. I tell them you cannot be sure. I point them to the old couples I know, who have been through fire and water together, and that their "Love" has been tested by time and age. Maybe that is True Love. Still I cannot be sure. I guess Love is something to be experienced, not seen. Yet, sometimes in the streets, out of the corner of my eye, I do catch a glimpse of Love. Whether its a small gesture, or a fleeting sound, I know deep down in my heart that that's Love.

I still don't know exactly what Love is, nor do I know how to fully Love someone. Anyone. For me, understanding exactly what Love is means understanding God 100%. And everyone knows if you understand God, you might as well be God. So, thanks for following my thought process, and I hope to gradually come to understand Love more, unclouded by ignorance, unhampered by jealousy. God is Love (1 John 4:16).


Edit: Can the words "Care" and "Love" be interchanged? It is so much easier to say "I care for someone" then to say "I Love them." Especially in the unconditional sense, fellowship sense.

我需要反映一下

I am finally home after an exhausting 2 weeks of finals, retreats, and leadership meetings. Time to reflect.

Lets start off with Windermere and Catalyst.

After having a deep conversation with several members of ACF, I have found that my personal experiences of loneliness in my search for fellowship was not as unique as once thought. Many people have also found empty promises and rejection from fellowships they attended, or tried to attend, back home during high school. Maybe my circumstances were more severe, or maybe my bitterness just started at a very early age, but otherwise the case studies were all of the same type. Betrayal by Christians, made fun of by Christians, promised fellowship but ignored while the dejected watched from the sidelines while everyone else found joy and happiness in the fellowship.

Something I realized even more this year was how much of my past was attached to the location that is named Camp Windermere. It is just a simple campsite in the middle of nowhere (Lake of the Ozarks) that has a Christian undertone to it. But I have spent many years shaping my childhood and my spiritual walk there. Here is just a list of things that Windermere has a place in my heart:

I remember eating my first salad bar there in the cafeteria with a close childhood friend.
I remember mixing my first drinks there with good ol' childhood friends (blue powerlade and sprite).
I remember playing foozball for the first time in the fireside room, which is now abandoned.
I remember skewering crickets and trying to feed the fishes in front of the cave by the school...didn't really work.
I remember that croutons attached to a string attached to any form of stick worked wonders near the docks, which are all but missing in the middle of May.
I remember flying all sorts of paper airplanes made from pre-made designed sheets of paper from the concrete road that leads into the lake.
I remember when I canoed multiple miles to the other side of the lake, and almost didn't make it to the the next seminar session.
I remember visiting the other caves across the lake with my parents. I guess it was my first time on a boat as well.
I remember when Uncle Wang caught a bat inside a fountain drink cup...this was back when bats weren't endangered and were plentiful near the mouth of the cave.
I remember the one year where the retreat ran out of money and all we had for breakfast was donuts and sweet pastries. Oh how my friend and I longed for hashbrowns, bacon, and eggs.
I remember having a great time with another childhood friend by the lakeside, one whom I never heard from again, until randomly his name escaped from the tongues of two ladies from ACF by pure chance. They met him at a New Year's party on the last day of Urbana. I remember when we would call each other and email each other when and where we would meet next. At the next Labor Day Retreat? At the next Winter CWC Conference? Alas, if I were to ever be mentioned to him now, he wouldn't even recognize my name. Maybe the name Kuang-Pu Lee would spark something in his memory? I've always remembered his...
I remember how the staff at Windermere, Dan and Kathy, who were the ones who led me to accept Christ as my savior...oh I missed the days when I still attended the school on the hill by the cave.
I remember on September 8th, 2008, a certain pastor, a caring friend, and many prayers that leaked from Windermere reached me and compelled me to join ACF and stick with ACF. The verse Luke 10:7 mentioned at Catalyst 2010 really emphasized with this: Stay in that house, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for the worker deserves his wages. Do not move around from house to house. It is reminding me to stick with one fellowship and serve it until I graduate, no matter whats set before me.
I remember the Catalyst of 2009, I tried to leave the campsite on a Wednesday night but was stopped by camp security and told to turn around and return to my cabin. At that point, I felt it was the climax of my relationship with ACF, how one entire year of going to large group and returning to my room empty-hearted and disgusted and wishing God hadn't pulled such a cruel cruel joke on me.

Now my past is laid out before me, I will talk about Catalyst 2010. As my parents just told me, I was way too exhausted to be in any shape to go to the retreat. After gruesome finals, helping people pack late into the wee hours of the morning, Junior Jumpstart, my own packing, and the Chicago FAB trip, my body was bordering on physical collapse. It doesn't help that I was suffering from bronchitis at the time...ugh the chest pains and body aches. I believe I took any and every opportunity to sleep, and otherwise watch my 27 ACF peers enjoy themselves. It was better than I expected, I bonded with the couples there when I feared they would keep to themselves. There was absolutely no logistics during chapter time. Instead we as a fellowship bonded with our new staff worker Esther Wong. For the most part, I was having an internal wrestling match with God about where my loyalties stood: with ACF or with him? Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. I really wanted fellowship for so long, something I was denied during my childhood and adolescence and forced me to mature prematurely, that I was determined to get it no matter at what cost. In the end, it cost my grades, my health, and my mind. I remember sitting in an empty room in the basement of the auditorium, all by myself, struggling for an hour and a half to get past the 3rd page of the Retreat of Silence handout. I couldn't. I was stuck at "Do you feel lonely?" Of course I do, I want some real relationships in ACF like I do outside with my close friends and in GF, but I realized that I put up too many fronts and barriers in relation to my responsibilities and duties to the fellowship. I also feel so lonely in terms of guy-girl relationships. Ever since I opened up to girls and got over my fear of girls, I sometimes wish I was still afraid of girls so I wouldn't think too much. In one semester, I saw seven couples form around me, distancing themselves away from me, and arousing a feeling I never knew existed within me: Jealousy. I was jealous of couples, and even when the two were close friends of mine, I struggled to feel joyful about their relationship and struggled to bless them, especially when I harbored secret feelings for the girl as well. Its been rough...
Well, focusing on the 2nd page, I noticed the quote by Dallas Willard, whom book Hearing God I was reading during the retreat. "The cure to loneliness is solitude and silence, for there you discover in how many ways you never were alone." Clearly he is asking me to look deep into the past and count my blessings one by one. There in the dark I tried, but the buzz from the trimmer outside cut into my concentration, and I all I ended up doing was throw chairs around in anguish. The question "are there ways you've leaving campus discouraged, due to tiredness, lack of reconciliation with someone, or something else?" really hit me. Yes, I was exhausted from school when coming to Catalyst, and yes I have 3 people in ACF I need to reconcile with. And I'm not going to be PC about it I guess. One of people only accidentally wronged me, probably...if he was doing what he does on purpose, then I will probably have to smack some morals into his head. The other two...one of them was partially my fault, the other is deeply tied to my past, so its partially my fault to. Either way, I'll figure something out...hopefully. So in the end, I wrestled with my sins for a long time and really never gave them up until I burned them later on flash paper. Even then, I had to write them multiple times into the sand before I could recognize them and confront them. Well, they were the same sins I mention in my other blog posts, but now I know that my problem is that I need to fix my relationship with God first.

At this point I looked back at my notes from last Catalyst at http://diendiendien.blogspot.com/2009/05/blog-post.html

Yeah...sounds about right.

Only when I lose myself will I find myself. That's what I've learned. Tomorrow (or maybe next Sunday) I will talk with the retired pastor from my church. I want to know how he dealt with the pain of being excommunicated by the church he built with his own two hands, how he handled running away from his pastoral position (and family) to do research, how during his sermons he mentioned attempting to run away 7 times within the last few years of his ministry. I want to know how and why leaders burn out, and how to find motivation and support in a broken community. I want to know, and I shall seek.

I got one entire summer to reflect and fix my relationship with God. I hope its enough. Then I have to figure out how to balance missions with research and graduate school. I also need to fix my image of myself...exercise should do the trick. And I shall build a strong community within the ACF and GF people left in STL during this summer. Somehow, just somehow, I will deal with my internal jealousy or else it will destroy me this summer. If you read this, please pray for me about this, because it will be my greatest struggle this summer. Bitterness as well, but that was sooooo last November.

I said HOPE at the end of the last summer and last Catalyst, and I shall say HOPE again.

Romans 5:1-5:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.

After hating God for 10 long years, maybe its time to go back, prodigal son.

"There are only two kinds of people in the end: those who say to God, 'Thy will be done,' and those to whom God says, 'All right, then, have it your way." - C. S. Lewis

Words of Wisdom

I will use this blog to make me a better person:

People who are not good looking actually have a better chance of finding real love. Its because they know fully that their partner loves them for who they are. Beautiful people will always doubt in their mind, even by the tiniest amount, that their partner loves them only for their physical beauty. For some beautiful people, that is all they want. But for most, that is not enough.

Do not hold onto the key to your heart tightly to your chest. Do not clutch it so dearly that God cannot use it to unlock doors that lead to opportunities and saving. But do not hold it out at arm's length, giving it to her, to him, to that person, to this person, begging them to take it. It will be taken from you and misused.

The purpose of a relationship is to be selfless. It is much too often for the purpose of selfishness. A person has to accept being single, and be happy being single, or else they face destruction. The hole in one's hard cannot be filled by another person, only God. One has to be prepared that their calling is to be single the rest of one's life. Only then can you be ready to be in a relationship.
How does fully understand love? How can one understand what it means to be unconditional and sacrificial?

Feelings develop often and fast, like lightning, but to be able to say "I think she might be the one for me" takes time and prayer.

You will only find yourself when you lose yourself.

When I look at myself, I feel like I victimize myself way too often. That incident during sophomore year in high school resulted in my fear to play the piano in front of others. My fingers no longer know the joy of creating beautiful music that calms the confused and tumultuous heart. But I still play in the basement of Liggett to calm my own heart. Music is just the voices of angels.

I watched my childhood friend leave, never to look back. I watched my home violated and looted. I watched my parents fight and hurt one another. I watched my church betray and then ignore me. I watch as my fellowship enter sickness and despair. I watched as the girl I liked and cared for all my life slap me in the face with reality and cruelness, causing me to fear girls and doubt myself for the longest time. I watch as the world light up with smoke and fire as it devours itself. I ask God "why, why, WHY does suffering and pain happen to me?" Alas, maybe I say too many whys, and count my misfortune one too many times. I should spend more time counting my blessings, one by one.

I complain and wallow in my bitterness too much. I live with hatred and bitterness in my heart, and look with my eyes all day long with sadness. But I see suffering all around me, people who are worse off than me. And they have Joy.

My mom has Joy. My mom has been through four (at least) surgeries. She has faced cancer many times on so many fronts. But the reason why she keeps on fighting, as she tells me, is so that she can live and protect my brother and me. She has the will to live so that my brother and I can have the caring and nurture we deserve. She has the will to live so that I can experience what Love truly is. And she finds Joy in the ultimate calling God has given her.

I chose BME for one reason: to help others, specifically a friend who has muscular dystrophy. As of right now, it is too late for him. It is too late for me to do anything to help. Confined to a wheelchair, he knows he will never live a normal life and will die young. He knows he will never find a girl in his life that will love him and be with him. He will never have romance. But he can still stand up in the light of his struggles and have a smile on his face. He has Joy. And I can only fathom how much it means to him that I live and help him get the most out of this world. Every time I meet his parents, they will never cease to thank me for what I have unconsciously and inconsequentially done on whims. But that is Love. If the only reason I should never try to leave this world early, it would be for the people whom life I have touched, and for the many more lives in the future I will meet, get involved in, and save.

Sometimes I complain a lot. And then something happens that shows me how pathetic my suffering is. My friend's apartment can burn down, and all his possessions are lost. Yet he can continue to live on with life, saying "well, no point in moping, there is nothing I can do but to continue on with life." That is all life is, to do one's best and don't regret.

I wonder what it is like to be persecuted, but I already know I've been persecuted. A pastor once told me that if I don't find persecution outside AND inside the church, I am not really doing much for the kingdom. I hope I can love unconditionally. I hope I can love sacrificially.

Lets just say, I always know the answers to my problems, even when I tell you I don't. I've had enough experience, discipleship, counseling, training, and sharing to know that the answer to life is 42. But I guess knowing the answer is not enough. I don't understand my answers, and most of the time choose not to. So is life really all about the road and not where it leads?

(k, preaching done, back to work)

Bah Humbug

I hate getting sick. I am sick because I do not know how to take care of my body. I have a bad habit of ignoring my body's needs when I'm doing work, studying for a test, or helping others. Bad bad habit...also my sickness from a year ago destroyed my lungs. I don't think I have fully recovered from those 11 weeks of hell. Oh well...and this is the first time I am taking this much medicine at the same time (minus the goodie medicine bags Taiwanese physicians give...an assortment of pills and half pills in tiny goodie bags that people are supposed to take twice a day). Taking 2 sedative agents and 1 anesthetic at the same time can't be healthy...zombie mode time.

Edit: Well...at least i know why im sick. Its God's way of punishing me for having bitterness. Sigh...i do not know the triggers to my hatred. I do not know the triggers to my sadness. I just have that look in my eye that says im angry and there is nothing you can do about it. I guess its that noticeable, if even people from ACF and Harambee could tell today. I got sick last year cuz i was deeply hurt during City Lights, and that scar will probably forever lace my lungs, just like my fight with my past will last my entire life. Why God why?

Edit: Well, i figured out a trigger was on facebook. I hate facebook so much...why so much. At least, the repercussions from the last time i deactivated facebook have finally been fixed (after sending in many requests to facebook team to reinstate my admin privileges to all my facebook groups).

I Thirst for You

I have absolutely no idea where this came from. I found it in my digital stash of "stuff" and decided to share it. I Supposedly downloaded it February 8th, 2010.


“Behold. I stand at the door and knock…” (Rev. 3:20)

It is true. I stand at the door of your heart, day and night. Even when you are not listening, even when you doubt it could be Me, I am there. I await even the smallest sign of your response, even the least whispered invitation that will allow Me to enter.

And I want you to know that whenever you invite Me, I do come always without fail. Silent and unseen I come, but with infinite power and love, and bringing the many gifts of My Spirit. I come with My mercy, with My desire to forgive and heal you, and with a love for you beyond your comprehension, a love every bit as great as the love I have received from the Father. “As much as the Father has loved me, I have loved you.” (Jn. 15:10). I come-longing to console you and give you strength, to lift you up and bind all your wounds. I bring you My light, to dispel your darkness and all your doubts. I come with my power, that I might carry you and all of your burdens; with My grace, to touch your heart and transform your life; and My peace I give to still your soul.

I know you through and through- I know everything about you. The very hairs of your head I have numbered. Nothing in your life is unimportant to Me. I have followed you through the years, and I have always loved you-even in your wanderings. I know every one of your problems. I know your needs and you worries. And yes, I know all your sins. But I tell you again that I love you not for what you have or haven’t done-I love you for you, for the beauty and dignity My Father gave you by creating you in His own image. It is a dignity you have often forgotten, a beauty you have tarnished by sin. But I love you as are, and I have shed My Blood to win you back. If you only ask Me with faith, My grace will touch all that needs changing in your life, and I will give you the strength to free yourself from sin and all its destructive power.

I know what is in your heart- I know your loneliness and all your hurts-the rejections, the judgments, the humiliations. I carried it all before you. And I carried it all for you, so you might share My strength and victory. I know especially your need for love- how you are thirsting to be loved and cherished. But how often have you thirsted in vain, by seeking that love selfishly, striving to fill the emptiness inside you with passing pleasures- with the even greater emptiness of sin. Do you thirst for love? “Come to Me all you who thirst…” (Jn 7:37). I will satisfy you and fill you. Do you thirst to be cherished? I cherish you more than you can imagine-to the point of dying on a cross for you.

I thirst for you. Yes, that is the only way to even begin to describe my love for you: I THIRST FOR YOU. I thirst to love you and to be loved by you-that is how precious you are to Me. I THIRST FOR YOU. Come to Me, and I will fill your heart and heal your wounds. I will make you a new creation, and give you peace, even in all your trials. I THIRST FOR YOU. You must never doubt My mercy, My acceptance of you, My desire to forgive, My longing to bless you and live My life in you. I THIRST FOR YOU. If you feel unimportant in the eyes of the world, that matters not at all. For Me, there is no one anymore important in the entire world than you. I THIRST FOR YOU. Open to Me, come to Me, thirst for Me, give Me your life- and I will prove to you how important you are to My heart.

Don’t you realize that My Father already has a perfect plan to transform your life, beginning from this moment? Trust in Me. Ask Me every day to enter and take charge of your life- and I will. I promise you before My Father in heaven that I will work miracles in your life. Why would I do this? Because I THIRST FOR YOU. All I ask of you is that you entrust yourself to me completely. I will do all the rest.

Even now I behold the place My Father has prepared for you in My Kingdom. Remember that you are a pilgrim in this life, on a journey home.

Sin can never satisfy you, or bring the peace you seek. All that you have sought outside of Me has only left you more empty, so do not cling to the things of this life. Above all, do not run from Me when you fall. Come to Me without delay. When you give Me your sins, you give Me the joy of being your Savior. There is nothing I cannot forgive and heal, so come now, and unburden your soul.

No matter how far you may wander, no matter how often you forget Me, no matter how many crosses you may bear in this life, there is one thing I want you to always remember, one thing that will never change: I THIRST FOR YOU-just as you are. You don’t need to change to believe in My love, for it will be your belief in My Love that will change you. You forget Me, and yet I am seeking you every moment of the day-standing at the door of your heart, and knocking. Do you find this hard to believe? Then look at the cross, look at My Heart that was pierced for you. Have you not understood My Cross? Then listen again to the words I spoke there-for they tell you clearly why I endured all this for you: “I THIRST…” (Jn. 19:28). Yes, I thirst for you-as the rest of the psalm-verse I was praying says of Me: “I looked for love, and I found none…” (Ps. 69:20). All your life I have been looking for your love-I have never stopped seeking to love you and to be loved by you. You have tried many other things in your search for happiness; why not try opening your heart to Me, right now, more than you ever have before.
Whenever you do open the door of your heart, whenever you come close enough, you will hear Me say to you again and again, not in mere human words but in spirit: “No matter what you have done, I love you for your own sake. Come to Me with your misery and your sins, with your troubles and needs, and with all your longing to be loved. I stand at the door of your heart and knock…Open to Me, for I THIRST FOR YOU…”

For some reason, this reminded me of the analogy game we did in Max Out yesterday. How we cannot let go of our sin because we are so attached to it. We have to allow our friends, our accountability partners, our family to take it away. God brought them into our lives to change it. God is working through them as living testimonies, as reminders, as role models, and as examples to help us change our lives and grow. God is in control.

Remember

The amount you care about a person is equivalent to how much you pray for that person.

Remember

Taiwan Pride

Taiwanese...what does it mean to be taiwanese?

I look at my body, and there are two places that prove that I was born Taiwanese. One can be 'fixed,' the other will be a permanent reminder on my left shoulder.

What does it mean to have Taiwanese pride? Hoikken, Hakka, Mountain Folk. What does it mean to be native? Why do we seek so much in order to gain our own independence.

Taiwanese culture and education is different from China's. We still teach the traditional Confucianism values in class. We read the famous literature and poems of Chinese past. We go through the motions.

What does it mean to really be taiwanese? Does it mean we know all the tourist sites? Or does it mean we can name every store that has ever been on our block the last 20 years, watched them go up and get torn down, watch them switch hands and owners. From a side-street restaurant to a video store, then to a 7-11. Those motorcycle shops and cell-phone corners. Remember under the bridges we used to play? Remember the elementary schools we used to sweep? Remember the parks we were taken by our parents to set off fireworks at New Years?

I was brought up Taiwanese. I ate Taiwanese food, taught Taiwanese culture, and seen Taiwanese pride. But my family, both sides, do not want any part of it. My grandparents were sent to japan, my other grandparents escaped massacre from the civil war. Where is the pride, when families are torn apart and lives are destroyed?

Pride: All pride is sin, and so national pride is just another sin right? We say the word pride as if its a blessing or a strength. But pride is pride, and it stems from the sinful nature we all have in ourselves. And there is evidence where it manifests. As if i'm going to embody Taiwanese pride that allowed youths to beat my dad over and over again. As if i'm going to embody the pride that cursed my family, and cursed many others. As if i'm going to embody the pride that is choking and destroying the island of Formosa, Beautiful Isle. The 10 golden years are gone, and the reason was Taiwanese pride. God cannot penetrate Taiwan's shores, and it is because of Taiwanese pride. People die everyday, and its because of pride.

I love Taiwan, as much as I hate America. There was a chance that i could have grew up there. There was a chance I would never have left its shores. If that happened, maybe I wouldn't have to struggle with my bitterness and past. Maybe I could have the glorious life my cousins have. Haha...glorious. Whats so glorious about a country that cannot hold any future for its youth?

I believe I have more Taiwanese culture embodied into me and my upbringing than almost all other Taiwanese-Americans I know, at Washu, California, home. But i do not share their pride. All i share is the suffering of the people of Taiwan, but the beauty and culture that is there as well. That is why I can connect with people who have lived their entire lives in Taiwan, look at Google Earth and point to the points on the map where we as children once roam and played. Picking up BB's, catching tadpoles, lounging around in the Taiwanese humid sun. Anyone can eat the food, anyone can shop and visit tourist sites, but its whole different story to live as a local.

2 summers ago, I visited Taiwan for the first time as a tourist. It broke my heart that I could no longer call it my home.

How can there be a world where Love and Pride exist intertwined?

Galatians 3:26-28

I am never going to drink, and I don't ever ever EVER want to see what happened again. Life is too short for that.

Grace, Faith, and Hope

These three are confusing sometimes...but for me, I would like to think of them as parts in my life.

Grace: The Past. We trust that God has promised to forgive our transgressions in the past, and our burdens have fallen off our backs.

Faith: The Present. We trust God to be with us as we walk in our faith, and that he will protect us and help us achieve our walk now.

Hope: The Future. We trust that God knows what is best for us in the future, the future that we have little control over and is fearfully ambiguous.

Random Bloggings

I have noticed that people blog more during certain circumstances. Usually this involves times of stress and loneliness.

Anyways...

With the onset of many girls asking me many personal questions (for bro-sis of course), and with the general atmosphere of the event, I have come to realize a few facts about myself as well. Though I do find it curious how many girls I've actually met on the bro-sis list, it was also very painful that I was unable to confidently say I knew many of them well. Actually, by my own definition of "knowing a girl well," I found that I knew none of them well. But what is the social definition of "knowing a girl well" anyways? Anyways, all it means is I should start finding out what the other half of the human race has to share and offer to me. Fear, be gone!

I should trust people more. I remember, back in the day, when I was one of the most open persons around. I would think highly of everyone, and entrust my time, energy, and care into basically everyone I met. I also remember how much trouble my trust caused: bringing strangers into my house, only to find out they been stealing money and valuables, failing projects and reports because my partner was unreliable, being mentally and physically destroyed when best friends blindly break away all ties. Maybe this is the reason I'm so bitter against California, and yet feel kind of attached to it. My past...need to throw it away and start anew, with the chance I have been given.

One of the most motivating things anyone have ever told me was my ability to make friends and care for the underdog. A good friend pointed out that the reason why he respected me so much was my ability to approach him so many years ago and boldly say "I think we should be friends." I actually don't remember that moment, nor did I even fathom the enormous impact that had on his life, but now I feel like my calling is becoming more and more clear. I was glad that someone (multiple people over the last semester) could come to me and say "please bring me into ACF, I want to know them more." I remember my years as a freshmen, I would wish people would say that to me, and come to me, intentionally, to bring me in. That never happened, and I was heartbroken. Sophomore year, my fellow spiritual conversationalists encouraged me to pursue once again ACF. It is most curious how much ACF fights with bandminton for people. The number one reason why I didn't join ACF was because of that sport, a sport I couldn't even spell at the time, nor play, nor even seen anyone play in real life. I guess...I'm a little deprived living in suburban Kansas City where no one plays it. Being reminded of how much I have touched people in the past, and how much of a leadership role I have played back in the day, has brought back some confidence that was lost somewhere in the maze of life.

I should try to play some piano again. I should practice again. My fingers are rusty, and my bitterness is gone. I think it is time to start up again, no? Practice them scales...where's my black book when I need it?

I think I have made it a pastime to read other people's blogs. Is it a way to get to know them better? Is it a way to care for them more, to see their words strewn upon the computer screen? Or is it just another way of technology simplifying and replacing real relationships. I have found that a lot of my time is spent talking to people on skype, MSN, and gtalk. I also remember saying many years ago that I would never use these things. What has changed? And can real relationships really form from these "instant messaging" clients? Is speed the key to the game nowadays, where information transfer is important to win the race to success? I theorize what the world would look like if one day the internet was shut down. For just one day, would the world be thrown into chaos and be unveiled to be the needy and dependent society it really is?

It is interesting how much "cancer" can affect one's life. Not only was I a twin to cancer, but this disease has plagued my entire childhood (not directly fyi). Maybe it is the reason why my childhood was a bit different from other people. Well that doesn't matter anymore, as one's childhood plays a minor role in who a person is now. Debate me one this if you want, I will probably lose. But what brought this up was the introduction of Relay For Life into my life. It is a curious thought why I have never joined a team in high school or the two years of college. Very curious indeed. I don't have a coherent reasoning, but it probably goes back to my bitterness. Funny how everything goes back to it. Meh. Now that it is gone, a friend encouraged me to join Relay For Life to reflect the suffering I've had to endure because of it and take action to help others and prevent it in the future. I was taken aback when I get emails from people I know personally doing Relay For Life and have people in their families who are suffering from cancer. It tears me apart inside, knowing that I have been ignoring this part of my life for so long. I will see what I can do. As a BME, this is one course of option, though I have never considered it, that I can take in the future.

What started from a break from researching for my ethics debate turned into a outpouring of my heart. I do not believe that I write these blogs with my readers in mind, as I know they are few, but I wish I could be more honest in face-to-face conversations and do not have to rely on the internet to share my feelings. The true ones, I still keep hidden.

Edit: One of the most painful moments in life is worrying whether a loved one is going to live or die. When those moments happen to people around me that I care about (which should be everyone), I want to do everything I can for them.

Double Courts

I am playing ball on two different courts.

I am part of two different teams. I have sweated water and blood with them during training, and have been through the victories and the losses. They are my friends, and they are my family.

But I have missed important matches for both. I would be at one game: playing the key person, making the calls. That day would be a victory for us. The other team lost that day because of my absence.

For most of the season, the matches for both teams usually don't coincide. When they do, I make a calculated judgment call on which team needs me more. I have been wrong many times, and each time, I bring shame to my team, my teammates, and myself.

When the time comes, which the two teams play each other, will I have to choose a side?

The Asian Community

When you think of Asian parents and the Asian community, you think about grades. You think about how parents push their kids to do well in school, pursue high demanding career options, and be successful at everything they do. Then you then see broken families. You see that this pursuit ends up destroying the child's ability to love. Due to the time and energy spent on the future, the sense of community and serving others is lost. The pursuit of self-interest overrides the sense of caring. Though the end result is for good, like creating a good foundation for the next generation and filial piety, the means to reach this goal ends up destroying the moral values it is founded upon. The child becomes distant to the parents. Parents fight and worry over the child's future. The struggle for control ensues, and the faith and love that once held the family is lost.

Parents should give their child up to God. Isn't that what child baptism is for? Isn't that what trust and hope is for? Encourage the child to find fellowship. Encourage the child to pursue serving the Heavenly Father. God has promised that he will protect the child. God has promised he will bless the child with wisdom and riches. When the child finds fellowship, the child will find support, encouragement, and love. These will help the child be successful in life. The child's grades will reflect his or her heart, and so will his or her social standing. Isn't this the end goal? But the child will have received so much more.

The family that grows out of God's love will be blessed beyond what our minds can comprehend. Trust in the lord with all your heart...and he will direct your path.

I'm going to lead an iGIG this summer. End of question.

Me and my GPS...Sheila

So some people know that i have a GPS. Some people know i have named it Sheila, who has a English accent...most of the time.

So some funny jokes cuz we have a love-hate relationships:

• Sheila leads me on, only to dump me in a foreign place.
• Sheila can't stop telling me what to do.
• Sheila thinks she's a better driver than me...which is obviously not true.
• Shiela wants me to cross rivers, lakes, and oceans for her.
• Sheila speaks in a different language when she doesn't want me to know something i really want to know.
• When Sheila is happy, she speaks Africaan. Drives me nuts.
• Sheila and I take long drives during the night together. Sooo romantic.
• Sheila points out the obvious, especially in places I've driven for years.
• Alter-ego = Sheilo
  

More will come later as funnier (more funny?) things happen.

First Week Back

Goodbyes, crying, hugging, Hope.

Arrivals, laughter, catching up, fellowship.

Willpower, firmness, calling, focus.

Emotions, fickleness, laziness, gone.

後會有期: Where there is a will, there is a way...right?

Remember September 8, 2008.

Remember October 30, 2009.

"Forgiveness is a choice. It is not a feeling, but an act of the will." - John Eldredge

“Don’t wait to forgive until you feel like forgiving; you will never get there. Feelings take time to heal after the choice of forgiveness is made." ~Neil Anderson

That way is God

I'm quiet because i don't know what to say.
I'm serious because that's the only topic i know.
What else are you going to get out of my mouth?

Thanksgiving

The story behind this organ: I cannot remember the last time it was played. It must have been over 15 years ago. I remember who did used to play it though, he is in China now, and i can remember vaguely its soft sound. I asked the people around me, "do you remember when it was last played?" They told me, "never in the time i have been here, no." It made me realize how long i've been at this church, this place, this "location." But has it always been my home? (one day i will kindly ask for the key to the organ, and maybe play a few hymns on it).



I look at the upcoming generation. How young and innocent they are. Will the be prepared enough for the trials and tribulations to come? I hope so. I pray for their sake, for they will inherit the will of God as the next generation. I pray they will not be sucked up in the void that is the world. Already the battle has begun.



I look at some of the guys i have led these past years. Some i have worked with for years, some only recently came to our church so my role in their life is minimal, but still there. I hope they can each find a wonderful fellowship at the college they are at or soon will be. I hope i have been a good role model for them. I am glad i was able to hide my depression from them and keep a cheerful face. I am glad to have been able to teach them, and help them in their walk with God.



Food...self explanatory. This was only the first round, but i could not take anymore pictures as i was serving the foodz. Plus MOMMY!

Too bad i didn't get to eat most of the items here...



The empty pulpit. I wonder why i took this picture? Am i going for the pulpit as a symbol, or the emptiness as a symbol?

In the end, i manage to not have my prayer answered by God, the one prayer request i have had since the beginning of the semester. Maybe it is too early and my heart is not in the right place, regardless of what everyone who truly cares for me tells me. The theme of "never had the chance" seems to plague my life, and i guess there is nothing i can do about it right now. I should focus of what i am thankful for, not what i am not.

I have asked it multiple times, but i'll ask again. Pray for me.

Home is where the Heart is

I am appalled by how much i have regressed.

I forgot the key thing: God's love has been one-sided for a long time.

Then why do i need fellowship? And is my heart there?
Is this a decision i can make, a judgment call i can make without fooling myself?
Am i even allowed to bring others in, when i dont think i have a membership card yet?
And do i have any right at all to be jealous of others...those i bring who are readily accepted yet i am denied?
No

Where is my resolve now...

Now the biggest question is: is it more painful to have had and lost or never to have had before?

Edit: a friend's answer = true love hurts. A defining characteristic.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

"LOVE is something you DO, not FEEL"

is there anything to be thankful about?

hmmmmm i guess im only good at encouraging others, but not others to me. same old same old, and i hate facebook with a passion!

Repost #1:
God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow or sun without rain.
But God did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears and a light for the way.
And for all who believe in His kingdom of love,
He answers their faith with peace from above.

(miss my dog...will be back soon!)

Repost #2:
Romans 5:3-4
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Repost #3:
Forgive - Forgiveness is a wonderful way to release the past and to love unconditionally. Drawing a line behind you, you can free yourself of limitations and be at peace with the process of life. Move forward to new beginnings.

Repost #4: "...I am still plagued by broken promises and misunderstandings..."

Repost #5:
There is always hope.

edit: Well...the time has come for reconciliation. Will i be man enough to do it? Will i finally escape 10 years of bitterness? With my heart right now...who knows. God will provide, i hope. Pray for me plz?

What i'll never have, but what i'll give

So today, Andrea spoke on loving those not like ourselves, aka our enemies. I obviously first thought of the Koreans, with their cultural pride, arrogance, and disrespect for human life and morals. But, when i analyzed the situation, and saw deep into my heart, i found something more realistic and ugly.

I shared with Stephen and Andrew about this. What i told them was i treated those who are better off than me as my enemies. I saw those who have it all: luxury, relationships, grades, things that i have always wanted my entire life, but could never have. I would watch them, walking around campus, sitting in my classes, laughing and enjoying life as if there was no struggles, no pain, no suffering in their lives. I watched, and my eyes grew envious. My heart turned to jealousy. I find it really really hard to build a relationship with those whom i find don't need my time and my care. I don't think they need my love, and would be better off without it.

But, God has told me to love my enemies. What i don't have is the amazing-ness i long for in their lives. I see what i would like to be, and look down at myself.

What i do have is God's love. This is true love. This is reality, and life. This is what i have, and what i can give. It is like Acts 3, when Peter told the lame man, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." I find that i do not have the silver and gold i am jealous of; the silver and gold of life. I long for it, i dreamed of it my entire life. I watched from a young age others all around me, who had it, and i grew bitter against them. I found pride in myself for being different from them. But now, i realize, they are people too. And they need God. Guess what? That's is what i have, and that is what i will give to them. I won't just befriend the weak and the poor. I can help those rich in life. As i have mentioned before, my strongest spiritual gift by far is Giving. That is what i was born to do, the way God has made me.

As it says in Romans 12:8, may i be able to give generously to all, all the days of my life.
continuation of my ultimatum...

Wall-E

Well, i watched Wall-E for the first time, along with eating yummy pomfret fish for the first time in...ages. I was touched, not by the fact that it was about two "vacuum cleaners" falling in love (quote i got from a review on rotten tomatoes), but the fact that love can be so simple and genuine and not over dramatic and sexy. Normally most love stories would not touch me in this way...i would watch, go "this is sweet and cute" or "this is way too mushy and un-realistic for my mind to handle" and i would go on with life. But, Wall-E really touched my heart, and probably in a way that is unique to me. Sure, there was barely any dialogue, and the plot is decent at best, but the way the movie was presented, it was pure genius. That was where the magic is, the fact that love can come in such simple ways. All the traits of love were very subtly shown (patience, kindness, humility) and Wall-E is just a naive and sweet robot. I wish humans were like that: honest and pure, and mostly realistic. This film was one of the most realistic films i have seen, not because of the plot development or the details of the scenario. Clearly we haven't had technology in the movie. Clearly robots probably cannot develop feelings and emotions. But that is not important. Like what my professor would tell me, those details are just tools, used by the artist (in this case Pixar) to shape the circumstances, and go from there. The details are not the movie, just a foundation. It is the conveyance of the feelings to the audience that was important. And to me, it hit me a little too close to my heart. So some points that i found in the movie that were interesting to me:

A robot containing feelings represents that the heart/soul is not of the body, so when the CPU was replaced, the heart was not. It is eternal, and love is forever. And it cannot be erased.

I cannot believe at the moment when Wall-E wakes up at the end and starts doing his routinely duties, and Eve couldn't do anything but watch, it reminded me of a Korean drama. I cannot believe i made that comparison!

No one has a "security camera" that records every little thing one does for someone you care about. There is no way they can he or she can go back and re-watch every little thing that you have done for them that they have missed. There will be things that you do for others that they will never know about, and thus take you for granted. That is reality. This is probably the fact that hit home so hard and true for me. It may be the only "fantasy" element i saw in the movie, but i thought it was so beautiful as well. I wish, and probably a lot of people in this world wishes also, that life was a fantasy. But it is not. We should not escape reality, but instead, stand strong within the world we are put in.