Thanksgiving

The story behind this organ: I cannot remember the last time it was played. It must have been over 15 years ago. I remember who did used to play it though, he is in China now, and i can remember vaguely its soft sound. I asked the people around me, "do you remember when it was last played?" They told me, "never in the time i have been here, no." It made me realize how long i've been at this church, this place, this "location." But has it always been my home? (one day i will kindly ask for the key to the organ, and maybe play a few hymns on it).



I look at the upcoming generation. How young and innocent they are. Will the be prepared enough for the trials and tribulations to come? I hope so. I pray for their sake, for they will inherit the will of God as the next generation. I pray they will not be sucked up in the void that is the world. Already the battle has begun.



I look at some of the guys i have led these past years. Some i have worked with for years, some only recently came to our church so my role in their life is minimal, but still there. I hope they can each find a wonderful fellowship at the college they are at or soon will be. I hope i have been a good role model for them. I am glad i was able to hide my depression from them and keep a cheerful face. I am glad to have been able to teach them, and help them in their walk with God.



Food...self explanatory. This was only the first round, but i could not take anymore pictures as i was serving the foodz. Plus MOMMY!

Too bad i didn't get to eat most of the items here...



The empty pulpit. I wonder why i took this picture? Am i going for the pulpit as a symbol, or the emptiness as a symbol?

In the end, i manage to not have my prayer answered by God, the one prayer request i have had since the beginning of the semester. Maybe it is too early and my heart is not in the right place, regardless of what everyone who truly cares for me tells me. The theme of "never had the chance" seems to plague my life, and i guess there is nothing i can do about it right now. I should focus of what i am thankful for, not what i am not.

I have asked it multiple times, but i'll ask again. Pray for me.

Home is where the Heart is

I am appalled by how much i have regressed.

I forgot the key thing: God's love has been one-sided for a long time.

Then why do i need fellowship? And is my heart there?
Is this a decision i can make, a judgment call i can make without fooling myself?
Am i even allowed to bring others in, when i dont think i have a membership card yet?
And do i have any right at all to be jealous of others...those i bring who are readily accepted yet i am denied?
No

Where is my resolve now...

Now the biggest question is: is it more painful to have had and lost or never to have had before?

Edit: a friend's answer = true love hurts. A defining characteristic.

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. but in that casket - safe, dark, motionless, airless - it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy is damnation. The only place outside Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."

"LOVE is something you DO, not FEEL"

is there anything to be thankful about?

hmmmmm i guess im only good at encouraging others, but not others to me. same old same old, and i hate facebook with a passion!

Repost #1:
God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow or sun without rain.
But God did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears and a light for the way.
And for all who believe in His kingdom of love,
He answers their faith with peace from above.

(miss my dog...will be back soon!)

Repost #2:
Romans 5:3-4
Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.

Repost #3:
Forgive - Forgiveness is a wonderful way to release the past and to love unconditionally. Drawing a line behind you, you can free yourself of limitations and be at peace with the process of life. Move forward to new beginnings.

Repost #4: "...I am still plagued by broken promises and misunderstandings..."

Repost #5:
There is always hope.

edit: Well...the time has come for reconciliation. Will i be man enough to do it? Will i finally escape 10 years of bitterness? With my heart right now...who knows. God will provide, i hope. Pray for me plz?

What i'll never have, but what i'll give

So today, Andrea spoke on loving those not like ourselves, aka our enemies. I obviously first thought of the Koreans, with their cultural pride, arrogance, and disrespect for human life and morals. But, when i analyzed the situation, and saw deep into my heart, i found something more realistic and ugly.

I shared with Stephen and Andrew about this. What i told them was i treated those who are better off than me as my enemies. I saw those who have it all: luxury, relationships, grades, things that i have always wanted my entire life, but could never have. I would watch them, walking around campus, sitting in my classes, laughing and enjoying life as if there was no struggles, no pain, no suffering in their lives. I watched, and my eyes grew envious. My heart turned to jealousy. I find it really really hard to build a relationship with those whom i find don't need my time and my care. I don't think they need my love, and would be better off without it.

But, God has told me to love my enemies. What i don't have is the amazing-ness i long for in their lives. I see what i would like to be, and look down at myself.

What i do have is God's love. This is true love. This is reality, and life. This is what i have, and what i can give. It is like Acts 3, when Peter told the lame man, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." I find that i do not have the silver and gold i am jealous of; the silver and gold of life. I long for it, i dreamed of it my entire life. I watched from a young age others all around me, who had it, and i grew bitter against them. I found pride in myself for being different from them. But now, i realize, they are people too. And they need God. Guess what? That's is what i have, and that is what i will give to them. I won't just befriend the weak and the poor. I can help those rich in life. As i have mentioned before, my strongest spiritual gift by far is Giving. That is what i was born to do, the way God has made me.

As it says in Romans 12:8, may i be able to give generously to all, all the days of my life.
continuation of my ultimatum...

Wall-E

Well, i watched Wall-E for the first time, along with eating yummy pomfret fish for the first time in...ages. I was touched, not by the fact that it was about two "vacuum cleaners" falling in love (quote i got from a review on rotten tomatoes), but the fact that love can be so simple and genuine and not over dramatic and sexy. Normally most love stories would not touch me in this way...i would watch, go "this is sweet and cute" or "this is way too mushy and un-realistic for my mind to handle" and i would go on with life. But, Wall-E really touched my heart, and probably in a way that is unique to me. Sure, there was barely any dialogue, and the plot is decent at best, but the way the movie was presented, it was pure genius. That was where the magic is, the fact that love can come in such simple ways. All the traits of love were very subtly shown (patience, kindness, humility) and Wall-E is just a naive and sweet robot. I wish humans were like that: honest and pure, and mostly realistic. This film was one of the most realistic films i have seen, not because of the plot development or the details of the scenario. Clearly we haven't had technology in the movie. Clearly robots probably cannot develop feelings and emotions. But that is not important. Like what my professor would tell me, those details are just tools, used by the artist (in this case Pixar) to shape the circumstances, and go from there. The details are not the movie, just a foundation. It is the conveyance of the feelings to the audience that was important. And to me, it hit me a little too close to my heart. So some points that i found in the movie that were interesting to me:

A robot containing feelings represents that the heart/soul is not of the body, so when the CPU was replaced, the heart was not. It is eternal, and love is forever. And it cannot be erased.

I cannot believe at the moment when Wall-E wakes up at the end and starts doing his routinely duties, and Eve couldn't do anything but watch, it reminded me of a Korean drama. I cannot believe i made that comparison!

No one has a "security camera" that records every little thing one does for someone you care about. There is no way they can he or she can go back and re-watch every little thing that you have done for them that they have missed. There will be things that you do for others that they will never know about, and thus take you for granted. That is reality. This is probably the fact that hit home so hard and true for me. It may be the only "fantasy" element i saw in the movie, but i thought it was so beautiful as well. I wish, and probably a lot of people in this world wishes also, that life was a fantasy. But it is not. We should not escape reality, but instead, stand strong within the world we are put in.

Midnight

My dog is crazy, as in literally crazy.

He is the only one with a sex drive that makes him hump everyone who enters the front door.

He is the only who watches the window of the backyard to make sure his food isn't being stolen by a squirrel, whom is both faster and more cunning than him.

He is the only one who stays up all night outside guarding his food against that squirrel, even though the squirrel has already been captured (by my dad) and released in the neighboring park.

He is the only one who barks from 1-3am every night at anything that moves ever since the squirrel incident.

He is the only one who caused the biggest commotion at the "Walk-a-dog-athon" at that neighboring park, refusing to walk along the path, and barking at all the other dogs, making some of the owners tell their dogs to "avoid that one."

He is the only one who pulls all-nighters and then sleeps during the day.

He is the only one who sleeps with all four legs facing the heavens, not quite like a human but not like any other dog in existence.

He is THE one dog that can make me smile.

Demons and Angels

So this post started with a conversation over the demons of the Bible, technically started when I was discussing about the demon in Paranormal Activity with someone. Most of these are only told in religious text that accompany with the Bible, but are not considered canon. But some, like Baal, Beelzebub, and of course Lucifer, prince of demons, are. It is just a curious notion, to see these demons being fought back by Angels, like Michael and Raphael, and that this struggle is happening all around us, but invisible to the naked eye. It is like the book Piercing the Darkness by Frank Perretti, how there are clouds of demons surrounding sinful places all around the world, such as college campuses. The hover over us, whispering evil thoughts into our heads, manipulating our footsteps along the path of life. They lead us into pits of darkness, like those described in Pilgrim's Progress. They never show themselves to us, instead they use trickery, blackmail, and seduction, as mentioned in Proverbs and in The Screwtape Letters. I guess going back to the spark of this conversation, in Paranormal Activity, a demon haunts and possesses a woman, and the movie was scary. But, i reality, it is more scary than that. The thought of demon possession is freakishly scary. There are historical accounts all through history, along with exorcisms and epic battles between saints and those demons. Even in the Bible is Jesus commanding demons out of people. But whats more scary is that these demons who possess people are just around the corner, in every room, always watching you. They don't want to possess you, they just need to to fulfill their task for them. They are under a standard also, one that is counter-moral to ours. They dare not break it, for they also fear their master. They tap into our human nature, our sinful nature, to try to get us to do their dirty work for them. In the end, we end up possessing ourselves, or let our sins possess us, and we live our lives looking demon-possessed, though it may not show up on our exterior.

Theology is Christianity on Easy-Mode
I really like to talk about theology in Christianity. I really like learning all the aspects and history of it too. But what is the point of knowing all this knowledge? It isn't wisdom. I can't help a single person with it. What does it do for others if i sit in a corner and dabble over what philosophers and analysts have discovered in the Bible. This is a faith of action, not a faith of words and theories. How much time have i wasted? I wonder...

edit:

Matthew 25:31-46

The Sheep and the Goats

"When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, he will sit on his throne in heavenly glory. All the nations will be gathered before him, and he will separate the people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will put the sheep on his right and the goats on his left.

"Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father; take your inheritance, the kingdom prepared for you since the creation of the world. For I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink, I was a stranger and you invited me in, I needed clothes and you clothed me, I was sick and you looked after me, I was in prison and you came to visit me.'

"Then the righteous will answer him, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you something to drink? When did we see you a stranger and invite you in, or needing clothes and clothe you? When did we see you sick or in prison and go to visit you?'

"The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me.'

"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you who are cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. For I was hungry and you gave me nothing to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me nothing to drink, I was a stranger and you did not invite me in, I needed clothes and you did not clothe me, I was sick and in prison and you did not look after me.'

"They also will answer, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or needing clothes or sick or in prison, and did not help you?'

"He will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did not do for one of the least of these, you did not do for me.'

"Then they will go away to eternal punishment, but the righteous to eternal life."

Buddhism is life on Easy-Mode
In an earlier post i mentioned about the desire to bring people in my family to God. Every Christian has people like that in their lives. If they don't, they aren't true Christians or they live in a box not of their choosing. Everyone has people in their lives that they know haven't found God in their lives, and because you care for them, you really want to bring them to God. I mentioned this as a major suffering for my parents, especially for my dad, whom parents (my grandparents) were Christian but converted to Buddhism due to easier lifestyle and the turn of events between China and Taiwan. There is tension on my mother's side as well. My uncle was a doctor, but he found his calling and left to become a missionary. My grandfather, following traditional Confucianism beliefs, believed he was shirking his duty to society, his duty as a father, his duty as a son to go become someone with no social status, no income, and no family respect. I really fear what my grandpa would do to me if i ever became a missionary. It has been a calling for me too, to go off and really see the world, to really see the suffering of many others, to see the persecution in this world, and to be able to help those in need. I don't know, sometimes i feel like going to a faraway land to help those who clearly are way worse off than myself is running away. I am running away from my past. I am running away from the hardships of life over here. But what do i know? What is suffering? What is hardship? I recount the biography of people like Hudson Taylor or Brother Andrew, and how hard it was to mission. Were they running away too? Or was God leading them down a road full of suffering, but also full of joy as well. They brought so much joy, so much hope, so much love to so many people. Because of them, and others like Robert Morrision, was the Chinese people able to find God. They paid their price in the death of loved ones, in the oppression of the Communist Government, and in sweat and blood of their own bodies. Why can i not be like that? I shall pray for my family everyday, hoping that someday they will find God (or re-find God). I pray for my aunts and uncles, my cousins living in faraway places. I pray for my friends who are near me now. I can reach them, can i not? They are only a hand's width away. But no one can grab someone else's hand and drag them to the cross. It is a gift, and a gift must be received willingly. But i will always be there, through thick and thin, and live out my life as an example. May i be like the salt of the earth, and the light on a hill. I will not be hidden underneath a cup, or be blown out like a candle. May i become a pillar for God.
It isn't easy being a Christian. By definition, it is one of the hardest faiths to follow. No wonder why my grandparents switched over to Buddhism. Love all life and do good in all aspects of life. It is too easy. And its too hard.

No faith is life on Easy-Mode
Everyone needs faith in their life. And many people find it, or create it. Look at all the faiths in the world, religiously or non-religiously. Philosophies, scientific conclusions, and theologies, theses are all faiths. What is a faith? As my literature professor told me, it is just a set of beliefs that one abides to. Do follow our savior Jesus Christ blindly? Is our faith rational? I guess this goes back to what i said about theology, and you really have to know a little to understand. There is no easy answer for a Christian. But how can someone not have faith at all? They are just lying to themselves. Everyone believes in something, or the lack of something. But to not care about one's future, to not care about one's action in this world, its too easy to do. But to stand by one's faith, especially if its Christianity, is hard. Very hard. I am under fire from all directions. From academics, from society, from myself. In the bible, it tells us that people will persecute us for our belief. It is proven by the apostles, whom all were executed except for John. It was proven again during the rule of the Roman Empire. It is proved time and time again by all the martyrs in this world, even to this time year 2009. There are people dying for their faith. In Christianity and in other religions too. Then why can so many Christians seem to have it so easy? Its like what one pastor in Taiwan said to me, if i cannot say "i'm under persecution at all times" then i'm not really living my life for God.

When i struggle to see the fellowship in ACF, when i realize that it will never be the "acf" i dreamed of, i pull out the ACF support video from Mizzou. I dont know why i have it, but i believe God put it in my lap to show me that all is well, and that ACF WashU is well too. Not every fellowship is perfect. Some may have deteriorated over the years, over reasons like drama, lack of commitment, loss of strong members, and growing too big.

I pull out my Bible, and begin reading about fellowship, the struggles the early church had back in the day, the struggles the prophets like Daniel, Elijah, and Jeremiah had during their periods. How hard must it be for them to stand up for what they believe in, and why can't i on a campus so small. Family is not something given to you, it is something that is fought for, and worth fighting for the rest of your life for. I remember last week during GF small group, we talked about the earliest fellowship in Acts 2: 42-47:

⁴²They devoted themselves to the apostles' teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. ⁴³Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. ⁴⁴All the believers were together and had everything in common. ⁴⁵Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. ⁴⁶Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, ⁴⁷praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.

When we discussed it during small group, obviously they spoke of how GF did hang out together. They interpreted the breaking of the bread as eating together, whether it is at their fellowship meetings or just eating out. Basically, fellowship equals spending time together with brothers and sisters in Christ. When i read that passage, i immediately equated that with all the Christians on campus. I didn't immediately think about ACF, nor did i think about the GF small group at the time. Hey, there were 3000+ people doing this. That number is easily larger than the total Christians in fellowships on campus right now. I want to bring them all together. I want us to have fellowship on this campus. I will try to do every little thing i can, and hope God's will will continue to spread.

The fight between angels and demons rages on all around us. Jesus and his army of Archangels have already thrown down the devil and his angels, but his presence still lives on around us. I don't see any hope unless we are united against him. The war may be won, but the battles still rage on. Who else will have to be sacrificed?

In the end, there is too much i don't know about this world, this universe. There is too much i do not know about life. I can only count on the One who does know, and that is what i shall do. He knows what to do, i just have to believe in him right?

Eggs in One Basket

All my eggs are placed in God's basket.

Mark 12 - How would i feel if my mom, or dad, or brother, or a close friend died and left me? What if i believed they would go to hell? Will i truly find joy in heaven knowing that people i care for are in hell facing the punishment of their sins. Could i have done something about it?

My parents are struggling with this problem right now, with my grandparents and relatives. So am i. I fear for my friends who might not be in heaven with me when the time of judgment comes. It may sound like heresy, but i truly care for them, and so, i will live my life for them.

The Holy Spirit, the Helper, is ignored a lot in Christianity. When was the last time you prayed about the Holy Spirit? Or heard a sermon about it? When was the last time you called upon the Holy Spirit, which dwells within you, for help or guidance? While Jesus is preparing a place for me in heaven and God the Father is watching over me from above, the Holy Spirit dwells in me, convicting me of my sin, and acts as my conscience in my daily life. I must meditate on the Word, day and night.

Do i have a testimony? What basis of experience do i have? That of my church? no...that will not do. Do i have go even farther into my past? What about my birth? I will admit, that is a miracle. I have a bucketful of testimonies: many good ones, many passionate ones, one for almost every situation. But none of them are mine. All i can share is how much hurt ive gone through, and maybe how God has led me through them. Is that it? While writing this post...i have found my "something" i can base it on.

So a goal, when i go back to my church for Thanksgiving, i really believe my bitterness will melt away when i take pictures of the young, and the old, and those who have hurt me, and those who have supported me all this time. These pictures will represent the reconciliation i will have with those i have grew up with all my life. If i do not take 100 pictures, i will not feel satisfied.

Going home: It is to re-ignite my ambition for academics. It is why i came to WashU is it not? That, and to find an asian fellowship that will accept me. I have found it, albeit i used sheer will power and prayer to get there. This is why i have been striving to move forward, and i shall continue this momentum till i leave here.