Well, along with my promise to God i will not be bitter again, i am truly happy to see how my friendships and relationships have been growing this year. Ive never, ever, had a true fellowship before...and i came into college dearly seeking one. To be honest, i never found it initially, and to be honest, no one in ACF ever sought out to me, or reached their hand to me. I was bitter then, but i will forgive them now. Instead, i will not do the same as they have, but reach out to everyone i see, friend or foe.
Me being open about my feelings ive had for the last 2 years with everyone recently has created deeper relationships with a lot of people, not only in ACF among the guys, but even among the girls and definitely many relationships outside of ACF, outside of Christianity too. I have also made new friendships, and new bonds. I hope i don't lose any of them now that I am moving on and don't need to lean on them that much anymore. I have been much more open my junior year, not like the bitter and depressed Daniel of sophomore year who couldn't understand why he never truly fit into ACF. If is very different from the Daniel of freshmen year, so willing to move on and forget the past, ready to make a clean state, but was choked in his own fears and created so many barriers around him that he couldn't escape.
I am glad i had those feelings. The last two years are NOT a waste of time. But I am ready to stand back and let it unfold, and i am willing to move on. Hey, if things are willing to catch up to where i will be in the future, then i will accept them as they come. Things are no longer in my hands, and i guess they never was. God placed me in a church where i had no fellowship among people my age. But i learned about Truth. God placed me in a class where there were so few Christians. But i was able to build relationships in 3 fellowships, and break class boundaries. God placed me in a fellowship without any other junior guys to bond with, but i am now able to have fellowship with everyone else. God did these things for a reason, and now i have finally figured it out.
I am truly thankful for everyone who has supported me through my tough times. Because of my feelings, i have been more open to people than i ever have. Thank you everyone in ACF who has been praying for me and caring for me. Thank you everyone at WashU who has cared for me. Thank you that one soul in Japan who has never ceased to stop worrying about me, i hope you are having a wonderful time there. Thank you everyone back home and about at college who has been caring about me and praying for me. Thank you my parents who never stopped loving me, never stopped teaching me, never stopped worrying about me when i repeatedly broke your hearts. I never stop thanking God for all the relationships i have been building these few years of my life. I will care for others. I am willing to die for others. I cannot bear to see others hurt. I am joyful when i see other relationships blossom. These are all i need. What God gives, he takes away, but God knows what i need, so i need not worry about it. True men of God do not worry about their fears and needs, they just confront them like a man and take it in the face.
I now have confidence in myself, and i now know how to utilize it. Give it all to God.
Saturday, October 31, 2009
Friday, October 30, 2009
Ultimatum
I guess i am a self-sacrificing kind of person. I promise i will never be bitter again. I will serve with a joyful heart to everyone i meet. I will never be disappointed at fellowship, nor serve for the sake of serving. May i have a steadfast heart that understands love.
Edit: This is my new focus of my energy, instead of all the stupid rules i set that i stubbornly followed before.
Edit: This is my new focus of my energy, instead of all the stupid rules i set that i stubbornly followed before.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
Hurricanes in Missouri
This was supposed to be from the time i was supposed to share my weather forecast at Fall Conference, but never did...i was the only one who didn't share. So i thought about sharing about what i was going to say but never did, but a lot has happened since then. So ill just mingle it all together in one go. So here we go!
So, first of all, i'm finally going to fully confront my past. All the bitterness, all the distrust with christians (especially asians), has to stop. I cannot keep on living my life like that. I cannot keep on committing myself to those stupid rules i established for myself. Stuff like never asking a girl for their phone number or IM, deleting contacts that weren't given to me by the specific person, never playing piano on worship team, never taking up leadership in a christian group, never making fun of girls etc. So many of my decisions i make in the present are already decided by my past. Its like i could never escape it, like the past is a parasite that has infected every aspect of my life now. My academic stress is caused by it. My spiritual tension is caused by it. My self-defeatist attitude is caused by it. My fear of girls is caused by it. I remember making that vow, after Catalyst, that i would never set foot back into my home church again. That is how anal i am, how much i try to revel in my past and how much i let it take over me. But i fought it. I made myself go to church by putting myself into a trap i couldn't escape. I will not say i enjoyed being back in the building, the setting. The sadness still hit me like a wave of energy, i was hurt by what i saw and what i heard. But, i can keep on making progress. That is what Fall Conference taught me. That is what true fellowship taught me. I never knew what it meant to have true fellowship until recently. It is not about singing koombaya songs together. It isn't about spending lots of time hanging out in groups, eating and playing games. It isn't about studying together or going to church together. I was jealous at all these when i saw others were doing them w/o me. I was jealous when i saw couples together when i knew that would never happen to me. I was jealous when i saw other churches having fellowship together and there is a sense of joy and unity that encompasses them. I guess i'm jealous of a lot of things. Only now, after truly being open with many people, guys and girls (gasp!) alike do i truly feel like i'm a part of the fellowship, a part of the body of Christ that i so longed for, for so many years. Its like a dream come true. Now that i have taken steps to leadership, i have broken some of the ultimatums ive set, i can move on. The past can go suck itself in the past. The problems i can fix, i will fix. God wills it. For the problems that can never be fixed, unless i can teleport back into time and will it to be changed, they can be buried in the past. That will be a locked chest i will never open again. I will not say its easy, as i already had major set backs, like being turned down by my potential co-leader and potential GIG invites. I am still plagued by broken promises and misunderstandings. Why do people think i am serious and quiet all the time? It is because i present myself as that. I am cautious and distrustful with the people i want to impress. I am unable to let go of my facade, unable to break down all the barriers i've set up over the past years. Any little thing gets to me, i live my life in a "life and death" scenario. Little things that other people can laugh at or shrug off, i cannot do. I will cut me deep, like an arrow that pierces my chest. I cannot live my life like this...I will give my life to God. I will allow him to hold my broken and fickle heart in his hands, so he can mold it and make a steadfast heart out of it.
When i look back, technically i was never reached out to by ACF my freshmen year, and i came into ACF sophomore year really wondering why God has led me here...again. It was my first step to moving forward in my life. I will always record that Labor Day weekend in my life as a turning point. It is the re-lighting of my pilot light to pursue a real life for God. My bitterness for Overflow, my bitterness towards Grace Fellowship, my bitterness towards ACF, its melting. May God be the sun which melts the ice around my heart.
Ah the girl problem. Most of you who read my blog already knows who she is, those who don't, heh heh heh. Seems like this is something was to be expected here, but never showed up all these years. This has been on my mind for almost 2 years, not even starting with her specifically, but any girl i would pursue in the future. For the longest time, and maybe even now, i believed i could go my entire life as being single. I feared girls, i don't understand them, and i've been majorly hurt by them in the past. I can be a Paul, and serve God w/o marriage. Oath of celibacy maybe? Who knows. But when i saw this girl, first day of gen chem, i was like "she is the most beautiful girl i have ever seen." I didn't realize it, but i started crushing after her. What happened to asexual Dan? What happened to he who crushed crushes? I'm still a human, im still a boy, but i've always been pretty good about these things. But she changed my thoughts, changed my viewpoint of my future. Sometimes, i convinced myself in my mind that i joined ACF sophomore year because i saw her at large group. Sometimes i convince myself that i joined BYOQ because i knew she was there. Sometimes i convinced myself that the summer was unbearably horrible because i was jealous when i saw her with other guys, hanging out, having fun, allowing them to touch her all over. My jealously sky rocketed, and my life became bleak. I vowed i would never go to Chicago again, and was dead centered to go to Vancouver. I guess God told me that wouldn't do, and called me to go to Chicago later that summer to not only confront my jealousy, but to just have a good time. I reunited with my best friend Dyu, and i got to re-explore Chi-town and meet up with alumni from WashU Jimmy Chang. I was truly happy at the time. But back to her...why did i like her? What was different about her from all other girls in this world? I don't know. I can't say. Its hard. Maybe i liked her hair. I actually seem to be more physically attracted to girls with longer hair. It has always been this way since i was little, and its been the same now. But i like her smile, i like her face. I like how she laughs, and how she treats everyone with courtesy and sincerity. I am amazed by her perseverance in life, and her love for children and cute things. Sometimes i believe she parallels my personality, sometimes i think she compliments it. I don't really know, because i never tried to get to know her. Maybe i knew it wasn't just a crush when i realized i can remember everything she has told me, and how i can quote her many months later what she has said. There was one time, i asked her why she left BYOQ for a Grace Fellowship small group, and she gave me a few reasons. Just last week, i forgot why, i recited her reasons as similar reasons why i decided to join a Grace Fellowship small group this year. She was like "did i say those things? I can't remember." But i do, and i realized that i have been. That is the pity of the story, of my life. I allowed my past to get in the way, i allowed my fear to get in the way. The defeatist attitude told me that i could never bring someone into my life only to share the burdens of my problems. Not only her, but almost everyone i met. I kept my distance because i didn't want to burden others, to have others worry about me. I hate people worrying about me. I'd rather live behind a facade of strength and chillness than let people know the broken me inside. It is a sense of pride, to hide your weaknesses. I know that full well. Well, after 1 year of over-thinking things, whether i truly cared for her or it was just a crush or a phase, after a summer of being jealous, i decided it was time. I believe that its been long enough, and now i should get to know her. I don't know myself that well yet. Am i a person who rather date someone i really really know? Am i someone who likes to take things slow? Am i a romantic? Possibly, its in my genes. So, i guess i focused my heart, and built up the courage to confess my feelings, to be honest and direct. But every chance i took, she was never there. And then i found out, and maybe have always known, that she liked someone else, and was going to be decisive and confess to him. I have the highest respect and admiration for her. In this day, not many girls will do that. This shows she knows what she wants, she knows what will make her happy, and she is not afraid to go for it. I will say i was not as devastated as i thought i would be. I don't know why, but i took the news pretty well. Sure, i did sit in the shower for an hour, thinking it over, trying to cry and release my emotions, but the tears never came. I guess they never will come. I hope it is because, i truly care for her and wish her to be happy. If this is what she wants, then i will be happy for her. I guess people tell me this is unfair for me, that i can only ever watch others find joy in their lives, but that isn't true. I have always been a social person, and i find my joy in watching others find joy. I suffer when others suffer. And so i can confidently say i have found a sigh of relief and something to be joyful about. She and whoever she likes have my blessing. I will move on. I am still human, this will take me a long time to get over. I will not say i won't be jealous when i see them together. I know i will not be able to look at her in the eye, and will avoid her at all costs to save myself more pain. But, i truly, deeply am happy for her. May God protect me and continue to work in my life. May i be able to help those i care deeply for, now and forever on.
So to finish off, my weather forecast is hurricanes. I've been though many hurricanes, or typhoons you would call them. I know what its like, to have many gallons of rain dumped on your head. I've seen the waves hit the islands like a battering ram. I've seen the cars fly into the air, and the buildings swept away by the murky dark river. So i know my life has been like that. It isn't light, it is quite heavy, and the rain has perpetrated for a long time. But maybe, just maybe, there are rays of hope. Hope is where the spirit is. The Helper is near me, and he will pull me into the patches of light where i can find peace and quiet, and then i shall face the full force of the storm head-on! Clearly something of this magnitude is hard to share in a very casual situation, like chapter time. But i'm hanging on. My suicidal days are in the past, my depression is in the past, my hate and anger is all in the past. I will keep moving on, on the dark and lonely road.
Some say i am carving my own path in life, but that isnt quite true. How can any mere mortal man do that in the face of the storm? I am still a human, though i may tell myself im not, and that im strong enough to weather it alone. That is not true, i need help, i need support, and i need the Lord my Father on my side. Hopefully, i can continue to grow and stand tall in the face of my tribulations.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
...
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life.
I believe it, i truly do.God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!
So, first of all, i'm finally going to fully confront my past. All the bitterness, all the distrust with christians (especially asians), has to stop. I cannot keep on living my life like that. I cannot keep on committing myself to those stupid rules i established for myself. Stuff like never asking a girl for their phone number or IM, deleting contacts that weren't given to me by the specific person, never playing piano on worship team, never taking up leadership in a christian group, never making fun of girls etc. So many of my decisions i make in the present are already decided by my past. Its like i could never escape it, like the past is a parasite that has infected every aspect of my life now. My academic stress is caused by it. My spiritual tension is caused by it. My self-defeatist attitude is caused by it. My fear of girls is caused by it. I remember making that vow, after Catalyst, that i would never set foot back into my home church again. That is how anal i am, how much i try to revel in my past and how much i let it take over me. But i fought it. I made myself go to church by putting myself into a trap i couldn't escape. I will not say i enjoyed being back in the building, the setting. The sadness still hit me like a wave of energy, i was hurt by what i saw and what i heard. But, i can keep on making progress. That is what Fall Conference taught me. That is what true fellowship taught me. I never knew what it meant to have true fellowship until recently. It is not about singing koombaya songs together. It isn't about spending lots of time hanging out in groups, eating and playing games. It isn't about studying together or going to church together. I was jealous at all these when i saw others were doing them w/o me. I was jealous when i saw couples together when i knew that would never happen to me. I was jealous when i saw other churches having fellowship together and there is a sense of joy and unity that encompasses them. I guess i'm jealous of a lot of things. Only now, after truly being open with many people, guys and girls (gasp!) alike do i truly feel like i'm a part of the fellowship, a part of the body of Christ that i so longed for, for so many years. Its like a dream come true. Now that i have taken steps to leadership, i have broken some of the ultimatums ive set, i can move on. The past can go suck itself in the past. The problems i can fix, i will fix. God wills it. For the problems that can never be fixed, unless i can teleport back into time and will it to be changed, they can be buried in the past. That will be a locked chest i will never open again. I will not say its easy, as i already had major set backs, like being turned down by my potential co-leader and potential GIG invites. I am still plagued by broken promises and misunderstandings. Why do people think i am serious and quiet all the time? It is because i present myself as that. I am cautious and distrustful with the people i want to impress. I am unable to let go of my facade, unable to break down all the barriers i've set up over the past years. Any little thing gets to me, i live my life in a "life and death" scenario. Little things that other people can laugh at or shrug off, i cannot do. I will cut me deep, like an arrow that pierces my chest. I cannot live my life like this...I will give my life to God. I will allow him to hold my broken and fickle heart in his hands, so he can mold it and make a steadfast heart out of it.
When i look back, technically i was never reached out to by ACF my freshmen year, and i came into ACF sophomore year really wondering why God has led me here...again. It was my first step to moving forward in my life. I will always record that Labor Day weekend in my life as a turning point. It is the re-lighting of my pilot light to pursue a real life for God. My bitterness for Overflow, my bitterness towards Grace Fellowship, my bitterness towards ACF, its melting. May God be the sun which melts the ice around my heart.
Ah the girl problem. Most of you who read my blog already knows who she is, those who don't, heh heh heh. Seems like this is something was to be expected here, but never showed up all these years. This has been on my mind for almost 2 years, not even starting with her specifically, but any girl i would pursue in the future. For the longest time, and maybe even now, i believed i could go my entire life as being single. I feared girls, i don't understand them, and i've been majorly hurt by them in the past. I can be a Paul, and serve God w/o marriage. Oath of celibacy maybe? Who knows. But when i saw this girl, first day of gen chem, i was like "she is the most beautiful girl i have ever seen." I didn't realize it, but i started crushing after her. What happened to asexual Dan? What happened to he who crushed crushes? I'm still a human, im still a boy, but i've always been pretty good about these things. But she changed my thoughts, changed my viewpoint of my future. Sometimes, i convinced myself in my mind that i joined ACF sophomore year because i saw her at large group. Sometimes i convince myself that i joined BYOQ because i knew she was there. Sometimes i convinced myself that the summer was unbearably horrible because i was jealous when i saw her with other guys, hanging out, having fun, allowing them to touch her all over. My jealously sky rocketed, and my life became bleak. I vowed i would never go to Chicago again, and was dead centered to go to Vancouver. I guess God told me that wouldn't do, and called me to go to Chicago later that summer to not only confront my jealousy, but to just have a good time. I reunited with my best friend Dyu, and i got to re-explore Chi-town and meet up with alumni from WashU Jimmy Chang. I was truly happy at the time. But back to her...why did i like her? What was different about her from all other girls in this world? I don't know. I can't say. Its hard. Maybe i liked her hair. I actually seem to be more physically attracted to girls with longer hair. It has always been this way since i was little, and its been the same now. But i like her smile, i like her face. I like how she laughs, and how she treats everyone with courtesy and sincerity. I am amazed by her perseverance in life, and her love for children and cute things. Sometimes i believe she parallels my personality, sometimes i think she compliments it. I don't really know, because i never tried to get to know her. Maybe i knew it wasn't just a crush when i realized i can remember everything she has told me, and how i can quote her many months later what she has said. There was one time, i asked her why she left BYOQ for a Grace Fellowship small group, and she gave me a few reasons. Just last week, i forgot why, i recited her reasons as similar reasons why i decided to join a Grace Fellowship small group this year. She was like "did i say those things? I can't remember." But i do, and i realized that i have been. That is the pity of the story, of my life. I allowed my past to get in the way, i allowed my fear to get in the way. The defeatist attitude told me that i could never bring someone into my life only to share the burdens of my problems. Not only her, but almost everyone i met. I kept my distance because i didn't want to burden others, to have others worry about me. I hate people worrying about me. I'd rather live behind a facade of strength and chillness than let people know the broken me inside. It is a sense of pride, to hide your weaknesses. I know that full well. Well, after 1 year of over-thinking things, whether i truly cared for her or it was just a crush or a phase, after a summer of being jealous, i decided it was time. I believe that its been long enough, and now i should get to know her. I don't know myself that well yet. Am i a person who rather date someone i really really know? Am i someone who likes to take things slow? Am i a romantic? Possibly, its in my genes. So, i guess i focused my heart, and built up the courage to confess my feelings, to be honest and direct. But every chance i took, she was never there. And then i found out, and maybe have always known, that she liked someone else, and was going to be decisive and confess to him. I have the highest respect and admiration for her. In this day, not many girls will do that. This shows she knows what she wants, she knows what will make her happy, and she is not afraid to go for it. I will say i was not as devastated as i thought i would be. I don't know why, but i took the news pretty well. Sure, i did sit in the shower for an hour, thinking it over, trying to cry and release my emotions, but the tears never came. I guess they never will come. I hope it is because, i truly care for her and wish her to be happy. If this is what she wants, then i will be happy for her. I guess people tell me this is unfair for me, that i can only ever watch others find joy in their lives, but that isn't true. I have always been a social person, and i find my joy in watching others find joy. I suffer when others suffer. And so i can confidently say i have found a sigh of relief and something to be joyful about. She and whoever she likes have my blessing. I will move on. I am still human, this will take me a long time to get over. I will not say i won't be jealous when i see them together. I know i will not be able to look at her in the eye, and will avoid her at all costs to save myself more pain. But, i truly, deeply am happy for her. May God protect me and continue to work in my life. May i be able to help those i care deeply for, now and forever on.
So to finish off, my weather forecast is hurricanes. I've been though many hurricanes, or typhoons you would call them. I know what its like, to have many gallons of rain dumped on your head. I've seen the waves hit the islands like a battering ram. I've seen the cars fly into the air, and the buildings swept away by the murky dark river. So i know my life has been like that. It isn't light, it is quite heavy, and the rain has perpetrated for a long time. But maybe, just maybe, there are rays of hope. Hope is where the spirit is. The Helper is near me, and he will pull me into the patches of light where i can find peace and quiet, and then i shall face the full force of the storm head-on! Clearly something of this magnitude is hard to share in a very casual situation, like chapter time. But i'm hanging on. My suicidal days are in the past, my depression is in the past, my hate and anger is all in the past. I will keep moving on, on the dark and lonely road.
Some say i am carving my own path in life, but that isnt quite true. How can any mere mortal man do that in the face of the storm? I am still a human, though i may tell myself im not, and that im strong enough to weather it alone. That is not true, i need help, i need support, and i need the Lord my Father on my side. Hopefully, i can continue to grow and stand tall in the face of my tribulations.
Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
...
Surely goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life.
I believe it, i truly do.God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good!
Saturday, October 24, 2009
reminders of children's worship
somehow, the "modern" versions of the childhood christian songs we would used to sing in children's singspiration, they don't seem to have the spirit of God in them...or not as much
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
2nd 'bout of nostalgia
It would seem the cause of these emotion attacks are darn Taiwanese movies. First it was Jay Chow's Secret, now its Edward Yang's Yi Yi...oh well. Let us begin...
When i think of Taiwan, i don't think of it as a tourist place, or my relative's home. I still feel its like my home, or what i wish my home was. I don't think i have cultural pride, as i hate culture and everything it represents. But, we all live in a world full of culture, and you really can't escape it. But do not dwell on the world...it will only lead you to your doom.
Besides that fact, i've already mentioned the bookstores and how i like to go in and look at stuff, not only the books, but all the cool trinkets they have there. I remember a store called "Apple Tree," lots of goodies there. Too bad it disappeared a while ago. That is one things about Taiwan, stores are constantly changing. (lol the places you'll find me at are bookstores and pet stores).
The puppet shows are a staple: only shown in Taiwanese, i remember when i was little my cousins would narrate me everything that occurred in the show. Good times. Didn't realized how enjoying it is to watch puppets duke it out on TV, or how cultural it was to Taiwan.
Definitely talked about the bread, but i can go into more detail. My favorite since little has been 奶酥 bread. But i like them all. The softness of the bread, and the unhealthiness, makes it probably the best bread in the world. There is always one on every street corner, always there for people to come by and get some freshly made bread. Mmmmmm.
Taiwan is known for its fresh fish (duh its an island). My favorite fish to eat is white pomfret, or 白鯧魚. Not quite a fish you eat often in America...definitely wanted to cook this sometime, but it won't happen because fish stinks up the whole dormitory. But besides this fish to eat, which my grandma makes perfect, there are so many other fishes that you will never find in a Shnucks or a Price Chopper or a Pete's.
Hmmm they just turned 光華商場 into a 6-story building. Opened right after i left. Last time i went it was 6 shed houses...the time before it was an underground shopping complex. But ya, best place to buy all those video games, computer games, electronics, DVD's, manga, anything bootlegged etc. I usually go shopping there for the games, Softstar games are my favorite, especially the old ones like 天之痕 and 阿貓阿狗.
I guess something that's really famous in Taiwan, but i only recently went to, are the night markets and 西門町, crazy place with a lot of clothing store-booths, gonna call them that.
The food is amazing, the places are amazing, shopping is amazing, but of course what i love about Taiwan isn't whats there physically, right now, but the memories. Going to those places, with family and friends, is the point. Eating the fresh bread in the mornings at 7, enjoying the fish at dinner time. Watching my cousins play the Taiwanese video games or watching the puppet shows or Japanese cartoons (aka anime, but didn't know that term until high school), those are the good times. It is racing 4wd mini-cars from Tamiya in the parks, blowing toxic bubbles from outdoor stands, going to the Taiwanese Zoo, the Tai-zhong Science Center, going to the many gorgeous parks, these are what makes life life. But it is family that makes it all happen.
Another thing about Taiwan is the draft. After talking to someone a WashU and hearing him decide to return and fulfill the draft out of duty, it made me wonder. Though i am also in the draft, i am determined to avoid it at all costs. I don't know if i'm fit enough, nor will i be able to take the harassment, and the thought of being on Military Island scares me. It ain't like college, its boot camp for 4 months. But if i go...and survive it...when i come back i'll probably be very fit. That shouldn't be the reason i go, and i really don't feel a sense of duty, but it might be a good life experience, or i might be force to go back...reminds me of the stories of my dad at military island, and writing letters to his girlfriend every night *cough* not my mother *cough*. I thought that is very sweet and scores high on the boyfriend points...too bad technology ruins everything now. I'll see, as i've received the "romantic" genes from my dad, i'll come up with crazy, genuine ways to express my love.
I love bamboo beds. I hate flying cockroaches and getting run over by motorcycles. I love eating lots of different kinds of foods, i hate walking near sewers and crap. Sometimes i wish i knew Taiwanese, or Hokkien. Sometimes i wonder why my mom's side of the family didn't teach the kids the language...is it a movement in Taiwan to only learn mandarin in the schools? What about all the taxi cab drivers...who will they talk to then?
Edit (10/28/09): I will go back. I will ask the questions i've been wanting to ask. I will take pictures of every room, every space, and cherish them forever. I will ask my grandpa and grandma about the past, about my parents, about the life of living suppressed, living totally new life. I will cherish the memories.
When i think of Taiwan, i don't think of it as a tourist place, or my relative's home. I still feel its like my home, or what i wish my home was. I don't think i have cultural pride, as i hate culture and everything it represents. But, we all live in a world full of culture, and you really can't escape it. But do not dwell on the world...it will only lead you to your doom.
Besides that fact, i've already mentioned the bookstores and how i like to go in and look at stuff, not only the books, but all the cool trinkets they have there. I remember a store called "Apple Tree," lots of goodies there. Too bad it disappeared a while ago. That is one things about Taiwan, stores are constantly changing. (lol the places you'll find me at are bookstores and pet stores).
The puppet shows are a staple: only shown in Taiwanese, i remember when i was little my cousins would narrate me everything that occurred in the show. Good times. Didn't realized how enjoying it is to watch puppets duke it out on TV, or how cultural it was to Taiwan.
Definitely talked about the bread, but i can go into more detail. My favorite since little has been 奶酥 bread. But i like them all. The softness of the bread, and the unhealthiness, makes it probably the best bread in the world. There is always one on every street corner, always there for people to come by and get some freshly made bread. Mmmmmm.
Taiwan is known for its fresh fish (duh its an island). My favorite fish to eat is white pomfret, or 白鯧魚. Not quite a fish you eat often in America...definitely wanted to cook this sometime, but it won't happen because fish stinks up the whole dormitory. But besides this fish to eat, which my grandma makes perfect, there are so many other fishes that you will never find in a Shnucks or a Price Chopper or a Pete's.
Hmmm they just turned 光華商場 into a 6-story building. Opened right after i left. Last time i went it was 6 shed houses...the time before it was an underground shopping complex. But ya, best place to buy all those video games, computer games, electronics, DVD's, manga, anything bootlegged etc. I usually go shopping there for the games, Softstar games are my favorite, especially the old ones like 天之痕 and 阿貓阿狗.
I guess something that's really famous in Taiwan, but i only recently went to, are the night markets and 西門町, crazy place with a lot of clothing store-booths, gonna call them that.
The food is amazing, the places are amazing, shopping is amazing, but of course what i love about Taiwan isn't whats there physically, right now, but the memories. Going to those places, with family and friends, is the point. Eating the fresh bread in the mornings at 7, enjoying the fish at dinner time. Watching my cousins play the Taiwanese video games or watching the puppet shows or Japanese cartoons (aka anime, but didn't know that term until high school), those are the good times. It is racing 4wd mini-cars from Tamiya in the parks, blowing toxic bubbles from outdoor stands, going to the Taiwanese Zoo, the Tai-zhong Science Center, going to the many gorgeous parks, these are what makes life life. But it is family that makes it all happen.
Another thing about Taiwan is the draft. After talking to someone a WashU and hearing him decide to return and fulfill the draft out of duty, it made me wonder. Though i am also in the draft, i am determined to avoid it at all costs. I don't know if i'm fit enough, nor will i be able to take the harassment, and the thought of being on Military Island scares me. It ain't like college, its boot camp for 4 months. But if i go...and survive it...when i come back i'll probably be very fit. That shouldn't be the reason i go, and i really don't feel a sense of duty, but it might be a good life experience, or i might be force to go back...reminds me of the stories of my dad at military island, and writing letters to his girlfriend every night *cough* not my mother *cough*. I thought that is very sweet and scores high on the boyfriend points...too bad technology ruins everything now. I'll see, as i've received the "romantic" genes from my dad, i'll come up with crazy, genuine ways to express my love.
I love bamboo beds. I hate flying cockroaches and getting run over by motorcycles. I love eating lots of different kinds of foods, i hate walking near sewers and crap. Sometimes i wish i knew Taiwanese, or Hokkien. Sometimes i wonder why my mom's side of the family didn't teach the kids the language...is it a movement in Taiwan to only learn mandarin in the schools? What about all the taxi cab drivers...who will they talk to then?
Edit (10/28/09): I will go back. I will ask the questions i've been wanting to ask. I will take pictures of every room, every space, and cherish them forever. I will ask my grandpa and grandma about the past, about my parents, about the life of living suppressed, living totally new life. I will cherish the memories.
Fall Conference 2009
A little late, due to Quant Phys midterm and Thermo ("hot") midterm.
First of all, when going to this year's Fall Conference, i was very apprehensive about it. I didn't find the fellowship i desired at Catalyst, and since the setting of this year's Fall Conference was very similar, i didn't think i was gonna get anything out of it either. When i got there, it definitely felt like it was gonna be the same, and even though i lowered my standards pretty low, it didn't feel like it was gonna be different. First of all, when i saw how the ACF small groups were divide for the guys, i thought in my mind "really? REALLY? What happened to everything we preached about before? Aren't we gonna be more open to each other, to be a united fellowship instead of divide among click lines?" I was pretty quiet and annoyed for most of those sessions...seems like a trend i've developed, even during Catalyst and City Lights. I proposed to unify the small groups, but i guess that didn't happen, oh wells.
The speaker Len (Lan) was a humble old guy, who spoke mostly about scenarios and his experience at KU inviting international students to his house. It really touched me personally, and i want to be like him, as my interest has always been to reach out to international friends too (hence my plans to mission in China hopefully). He really reminded me of Randy Dolan, who did the exact same thing way back when at MU. He was willing to share his home and his time and his love for God to international students from Taiwan. Hey, if he never had done that, then my mom and my dad wouldn't have met at bible study, and where would i be? I really want to talk to Randy about that, how i could move my life in that direction. The last i heard from him, he was in rural China ministering and helping leper colonies, abandoned by the Chinese Government. I wonder sometimes if he has any connection to Mizzou ACF?
Well since i mentioned Mizzou ACF, it was great seeing them again. I wish i could visit them, as right now i really want to go to their Subtitles meeting, but can't due to commitments to my ACF large group...its k. It was nice talking to Philip, Andrew, Esther, Nan, Tim, and Jay and catch up a little since summer. It was also nice meeting all the newer people too. I promise the next time i go home, i will stop by their campus and hang out with them. It was also cool to meet up with Robert Morales again, his enthusiasm and charisma definitely is infective, and helped me get through Catalyst without leaving (though the camp guards played a part too, damn 11:30 curfew).
So while worrying about the state of ACF's fellowship, worrying about my BME midterm, and worrying about thinking too much in the state of allowability (definitely just made a word up...), i was getting a little disappointed around saturday night. I wasn't really reaching out to the new people in ACF, and i really wasn't getting closer to the oldies in ACF either. And i definitely wasn't gonna get anywhere with the ACF girls. So, as a person who values relationships, friendships, and fellowship the most, even though i eliminated all other expectations, i concluded i just wasn't gonna get anything. But, as soon as i thought that, i knew it couldn't continue. The past is the past, the present is now, and God has a future for me, always. So, i ended up just talking to God in the corner during singspiration and just took the time to re-align my heart to God, asking him to give me a steadfast and hallelujah heart. After that moment, i knew i have changed, and i think others may have noticed too.
First of all, when going to this year's Fall Conference, i was very apprehensive about it. I didn't find the fellowship i desired at Catalyst, and since the setting of this year's Fall Conference was very similar, i didn't think i was gonna get anything out of it either. When i got there, it definitely felt like it was gonna be the same, and even though i lowered my standards pretty low, it didn't feel like it was gonna be different. First of all, when i saw how the ACF small groups were divide for the guys, i thought in my mind "really? REALLY? What happened to everything we preached about before? Aren't we gonna be more open to each other, to be a united fellowship instead of divide among click lines?" I was pretty quiet and annoyed for most of those sessions...seems like a trend i've developed, even during Catalyst and City Lights. I proposed to unify the small groups, but i guess that didn't happen, oh wells.
The speaker Len (Lan) was a humble old guy, who spoke mostly about scenarios and his experience at KU inviting international students to his house. It really touched me personally, and i want to be like him, as my interest has always been to reach out to international friends too (hence my plans to mission in China hopefully). He really reminded me of Randy Dolan, who did the exact same thing way back when at MU. He was willing to share his home and his time and his love for God to international students from Taiwan. Hey, if he never had done that, then my mom and my dad wouldn't have met at bible study, and where would i be? I really want to talk to Randy about that, how i could move my life in that direction. The last i heard from him, he was in rural China ministering and helping leper colonies, abandoned by the Chinese Government. I wonder sometimes if he has any connection to Mizzou ACF?
Well since i mentioned Mizzou ACF, it was great seeing them again. I wish i could visit them, as right now i really want to go to their Subtitles meeting, but can't due to commitments to my ACF large group...its k. It was nice talking to Philip, Andrew, Esther, Nan, Tim, and Jay and catch up a little since summer. It was also nice meeting all the newer people too. I promise the next time i go home, i will stop by their campus and hang out with them. It was also cool to meet up with Robert Morales again, his enthusiasm and charisma definitely is infective, and helped me get through Catalyst without leaving (though the camp guards played a part too, damn 11:30 curfew).
So while worrying about the state of ACF's fellowship, worrying about my BME midterm, and worrying about thinking too much in the state of allowability (definitely just made a word up...), i was getting a little disappointed around saturday night. I wasn't really reaching out to the new people in ACF, and i really wasn't getting closer to the oldies in ACF either. And i definitely wasn't gonna get anywhere with the ACF girls. So, as a person who values relationships, friendships, and fellowship the most, even though i eliminated all other expectations, i concluded i just wasn't gonna get anything. But, as soon as i thought that, i knew it couldn't continue. The past is the past, the present is now, and God has a future for me, always. So, i ended up just talking to God in the corner during singspiration and just took the time to re-align my heart to God, asking him to give me a steadfast and hallelujah heart. After that moment, i knew i have changed, and i think others may have noticed too.
The kicker of the conference, of course, was the heart-to-heart we had right after among the guys. That was what i was looking for, for so long, all these years. It was what i wanted at Catalyst. It was what i wanted at Guy Getaway. And now i have it. I opened myself up fully, eliminating all the walls and barriers i had developed over the years against Christians and Asian Christians. Definitely told everyone who i've liked for a while...hmmm. Collateral? Cuz they shared their love interests and problems first. Now i feel im really close to them, and can share just about anything. This is what i call a real fellowship. I guess you can say that was the thing i've been waiting for in ACF, why i never could feel like i was a part of the fellowship, no matter how much i try to do, how much i try to care about others, how much people say i belong. I guess it was the fulfillment of my dream, my only dream since i was little and could acknowledge Christianity as a lifestyle vs. a religion.
So, to sum it up, Fall Conference seem to be the conference that changes my life the most and i enjoy the most. Fall Conference '08 led me to get to know a lot of the ACF'ers, and build relationships with roommates there. This time, it was the fulfillment of my long-standing dream, the spark of my confidence for the future in leadership, and fuel my intention to try to build relationships among WashU's fellowships. I think this experience made me decide to go to Urbana. I have some reasons why i wouldn't want to go. But i'll see. 20,000+ Christians, speakers from all over the world, one of the biggest inter-cultural events i will ever be allowed to attend. I'll see.
Maybe it was this experience which made me believe that i can become a leader. I've always had the gift of giving...doesn't quite make sense how it is a gift, and how it is different from the gift of serving, which makes even less sense...see Romans on Spiritual Gifts. And i have always been assigned leadership positions in my home church, ive never felt the confidence or the ability to lead others to Christ. I do understand the key to good leadership is responsibility and humility. The first shall be last. Now, i finally feel the confidence and the support i need to become a leader in ACF. So i have decided to bring back the prayer meeting for my class, and start a GIG (group investigating God) for non-Christians that i've felt should have the chance to see the Christian faith in action. I think i'm ready for leadership now. The future of ACF is now in my hands, as well as others, and it always has been. Now i know, its not too late.
I don't want to live a ritualistic life. I want to live a real life.
Maybe it was this experience which made me believe that i can become a leader. I've always had the gift of giving...doesn't quite make sense how it is a gift, and how it is different from the gift of serving, which makes even less sense...see Romans on Spiritual Gifts. And i have always been assigned leadership positions in my home church, ive never felt the confidence or the ability to lead others to Christ. I do understand the key to good leadership is responsibility and humility. The first shall be last. Now, i finally feel the confidence and the support i need to become a leader in ACF. So i have decided to bring back the prayer meeting for my class, and start a GIG (group investigating God) for non-Christians that i've felt should have the chance to see the Christian faith in action. I think i'm ready for leadership now. The future of ACF is now in my hands, as well as others, and it always has been. Now i know, its not too late.
I don't want to live a ritualistic life. I want to live a real life.
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