Maturity

There are 4 kinds of maturity that I have found.

Physical Maturity:
Puberty...enough said. You can look up the growth hormones if you are more interested in this subject.

Emotional Maturity:
This is the realization that we have feelings, and these feelings are very powerful in our lives. They give our actions and our situations meaning. When a loved one die, we are exposed to grief and sadness. When someone attacks your or takes away your stuff, we get angry. When we see someone of the opposite sex who matches our own definition of beauty and grace, we swoon over with romantic feelings (probably lust or the "in love" stuff...which is basically more hormones). To become more mature in this aspect, we learn to control our feelings. We do not let ourselves become overcome with grief, which leads to depression. We do not let our romantic feelings consume us, leading us to hurt others. We do not let our anger boil over to rage and violence, which marks us as animals and oversteps many social and moral boundaries.

Having full control over our feelings allows us to fully enjoy them in the moments, and employ them in our lives for maximum effect without becoming slaves to them. It is also the ability to act fast and take control/command in dire situations.

Social/cultural Maturity:
The first example I think of is one of a child soldier. A kid who is no longer a kid. The 8 year old who was kidnapped, forced to kill his parents, forced to kill other parents, forced to kidnap and enslave other children to become soldiers. These children have been robbed of their childhood and its fun, and thrust into the 'real world' a little too early.

In a more American culture, we think of it as getting an education, building a career, having a reputation in the community, owning a house and car, pursuing hobbies established by culture as "acceptable for adults." It means having a secure bank account and social standing. It also means having a wonderful family and taking good care of them. It looks down on childish things, like staying in your parent's basement playing WoW or LOL/Dota. Back in the day, it meant 12 year old boys became men, 12 year old girls could get married.

The first instance of this in our lives is that moment in our childhood that we realize that the world doesn't revolve around us. We are not any more special than other people. We cannot be the hero we perceive ourselves in our daydreams. Our dad cannot kick every other dad's butt. We need to have realistic dreams and goals. We also realize that people are not made equal. We will all have our strengths and weaknesses, and society determines which strengths are better, and which weaknesses are more pitiful. It is when we understand that the world is truly cruel and unyielding, and we are going to have to work for everything we have in our lives. There is no such thing as entitlement.

Another part comes with age aka experience. Knowing when to act and when not to act. Knowing what is truly important in life and what isn't. Knowing when to take responsibility and how to execute it.

Spiritual Maturity:
Luke 8:14 - People who worry or focus on life's pleasures and riches cannot mature.

1 Corinthians 2:6, Colossians 1:28 - People with wisdom grow more mature. (See James 3 on the difference of spiritual wisdom and earthly wisdom; Proverbs)

Ephesians 4:13, 2 Peter 3:18, 1 Peter 2:2, Matthew 4:4- Learning more and more about Christ (which should be primarily done through scripture...Bible literacy).

Ephesians 3:15 - Learning to speak in Love (and learning more about Christ's headship).

Philippians 3:15 - Following Paul's example and teachings, as well as our elders.

Colossians 4:12 - Knowing God's will and be firm in faith.

Hebrews 5:14 - Knowing the difference between good and evil.

James 1:4 - Persevering through trials and have patience.

Ephesians 4 - Being one with the church, making peace and unity. Finding our calling through the Holy Spirit. To have love and truth for our brothers and sisters.

Hebrews 6:1-2 - Having faith and avoiding sin. Full understanding of the Gospel.

Philippians 1:15 - Preaching out of love for our brothers and sisters and their growth, not out of envy or competition.

1 Timothy 3:6, 2 Corinthians 2:7 - Humility (I am sure there are many more verses for this).

Philippians 3:12-14 - Continuation of the desire to grow.

Romans 12:1-2 - Do not be conformed to the world. Our entire lives is an act of worship. God's will.

Note that I am hardly someone who has the right to talk about maturity, nor am I fully mature in any of these aspects (need to lose weight).

Edit: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fLWRLjJe0hs (this guy is like the Bill Nye of Christianity)

Romans 12:1-2

Romans 12:1-2

"I don’t mean to judge… or criticize… like…………………. it’s their FB they can do what they want, but it seems a little eerie to me that my old pastors who would post up bible verses and encouragements from time to time on their FB now only post about their marriage life ever since they got married and what they do with their wives and their vacations and their pregnancies….idk I feel off about it" - JK

Wow, after I read this, I started noticing this trend too. Somehow I have managed to become fb friends with an entire class of seminary students, now most of them pastors or interns somewhere. I guess this can also apply to all IV staff I used to know too (fb friends with 30+ of them).

I think yeah, they are allowed to be normal humans and show off a little what God has blessed them with in their lives, but I cannot deny that somewhere along that life they probably had a heart shift. Maybe its focusing on their attention from the people they shepherd to the growing family that God has provided them now. After a lot of reading and sermons (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=veRrjNNZwlU, Fit to be Tied by Bill Hybels, 1 Timothy 3:12 as examples), I now know that pastors need to provide and love their wives and family before the congregation, so maybe the pictures are stemming from this duty.

Still, the shift should never be 100% this to 100% that. Balance is key to a healthy spiritual Christian. Just like we need to balance our view of the sovereignty of God, between a loving God and a just God, these leaders in the local-community-that-is church (my definition, so it encompasses everyone, not just professional roles) need to balance their own personal lives with the lives of the church as a whole. Don't make me bring up C.S. Lewis's individualism vs. collectivism illustration (for those who don't know, the short answer is balance between the two, falling to either side means we've entered Satan's traps). So in short, when you see this dramatic shift in use of social media, which can be used for God's glory, you realized that there got to be some kind of selfishness (aka idolatry of self) underlying it all. Even a little. That's why it makes brothers and sisters feel off.

Responsibility for the church should never fall onto one person, not even the pastor. I think as their brothers and sisters, as their accountability partners, as their sheep in the congregation, we can gently remind them that they used to encourage us through the Word or snippets of wisdom or testimony, and that we would like to see that again. They are also going to need encouragement from us too.

We all need a little reminder that we love God and our entire lives are about worshiping Him.

Me and Songs

I don't seem to know many musical artists, and barely know any song lyrics, Christian or not. Almost all of my songs are in languages I don't know or are wordless. I guess that is just how I like my songs. Is it really that wrong to enjoy songs without words? Why do people and the world judge me for it?

When growing up I only listened to classical music or old Christian hymns. Artists like Hanson, Britney Spears, Spice Girls, Nsync, and Backstreet Boys were all the rage when I was little, but I had not heard any of their songs until I was older. I didn't know a single Spice Girls songs until graduate school.

Around middle school to early high school, I got into video games and anime, and so my music repertoire grew to include game OSTs and jpop solely derived from anime shows. While in high school, my dad introduced 70's and 80's rock to me and my brother, heralding to the era when my dad was in grad school.

I did not know a single modern Christian artist until I was a sophomore in college. Chris Tomlin? Hillsong? Michael W. Smith? Who are those people?

I didn't know who Justin Beiber was until the earthquake in Haiti in 2010. Maybe that was a blessing in disguise.

To this day I cannot tell any rappers apart, except for maybe Weird Al and Eminem.

Starting my junior year of college, I started downloading and listening to the billboards 100 and hitFM to be "up to date" with pop songs in America and the US. But I always seem to miss the point of these songs. None of the lyrics seem to ever resonate with me. There was that hard drive crash in that summer where I lost all of my game OSTs (around 200gigs of music). I still haven't replenished them. Guess I was never made to be a mixer or composer for gaming companies.

I still haven't memorized any of the Christian songs or hymns that everyone else seemed to know by heart. I would literally try to memorize them like I would scripture, but the lyrics always seemed to escape me within a week. Even the Doxology can sometimes give me trouble. But I can hum and harmonize any of them without problem.

This has all seemed to affect my ability to socialize in many circles, as songs are part of culture and one of the fastest ways to build a connection with another being. Especially in Christian ones.

Maybe I just need to sing more in the shower..

Update: I downloaded spotify as of May 31st in an attempt to learn more songs. I probably have the most diverse and unique selection of songs in my personal playlist, even if it probably isn't most people's taste. What is musical taste anyways? For most of my songs, they were performed by the most talented musicians and music makers of this century, and I'm not talking about just singers.

Avatar: The Last Airbender

I started watching Avatar: The last airbender yesterday. I will do my best as an anime fanatic and expert in pugilistic Chinese mythos to not judge the Nickelodeon show in those aspects as it would be basically comparing apples and oranges, but instead focus on the character and story development that many of my friends have praised. But there will be some comparisons, and I will occasionally write out my thoughts of the show and a final review at the end (I will do my best to finish the show, but time constraints are in place this summer for other goals and responsibilities).

May 26th
The animation is decent, comparable to the beginning of Naruto and other American TV shows like Jackie Chan Adventures. Its not up to par with japanese animation studios, but that would be like comparing Bollywood with Hollywood. Japanese just have better technology, experience, and fan base to promote growth. But the animation is still pretty solid.

Character voicing is decent, though obviously the added childish gag humor that, as a 24 year old, I find tedious. Please lay off the puns and jokes and focus on growth and struggle and hope. That is something I like about japanese anime...there are less of those and usually take a more serious tone. But I guess a little bit of childishness is needed from time to time.

The flying bison reminds me of totoro. Now the animation style reminds me of pokemon's

May 31st
 Almost done with book 1. Its not bad, though sometimes the childishness doesn't mix well with the seriousness. Its like one episode starts with silliness/goofiness, and then it all of the sudden transitions into a vicious battle. Also some parts where Aang basically kills enemies (dropping avalanches onto soldiers or blasting them off cliffs), but obviously the show doesn't reveal the casualties. That's what I liked about Eureka Seven. It showed what killing your enemies could do to a young kid with a lot of responsibility, and showed a whole arc with how the boy realized it, tried to run away from the responsibility, cope with it, and eventually finding another path. I would love to see Aang grow in a similar manner like this (I've read that it happens a little...but only a little).

I found it interesting that the water bender master would all of the sudden start training Katara after finding out she is the granddaughter of the one who broke your heart. Guess with age comes forgiveness and compassion (even if he acts like a prick, but I guess he has his strengths).

The episode by episode feel doesn't suit me, but I'll get used to it.

Ah the friendzone episode. Also the relationship between Sokka and Yume...its worse than Twilight. But he is quite the player. Edit: Scratch that. It is Bella, forgot the vampire's name (pssh Edward), and Jacob all over again.

I also found water bending, air bending, and even earth bending in the Jing Yong tv shows I watched as a kid. Interesting.

June 1st
Nostalgic effect. Just like how I like Gundam F91 and Gundam Wing, but recognize they aren't actually that good (almost to the point of terrible), I cannot stop liking them because they are part of my childhood. This is the same with avatar for many, especially people who watched it in high school or earlier (or those in college). It isn't actually bad, but its not the super show that people make it out to be. The characters aren't that unique or multi-faceted, but are actually kind of cliche.

I really like Appa and Momo a lot.

June 3rd
Someone pointed out how Avatar is really similar to Brandon Sanderson's Mistborn Trilogy. Very very similar.

You have the avatar. You have the hero of ages (who ends up being the person who is the monk, not the main character).

You have the good spirit and devil spirit in Avatar Korra, like you have Ruin and Preservation.

 You have the 4 elements and bending, just like you have the different metals and alloys in allomancy (and in his other worlds, all in one universe).

You have the defeat of King Ozai, just like you have the defeat of the emperor, releasing even more powerful gods.

Even with the sequels, it shows how technology and advancement has to mix with the magic systems.

I honestly believe the makers of Avatar must have had some influence from Brandon Sanderson's stories. Or they are just plain geniuses of the same level of storytelling and magic-system crafting. The makers of Avatar have my respect.

June 5th
I really like the dancing episode of Avatar, and the bond between Momo and Appa. Man I love those two. You finally see some reality hitting Aang, and finally see some true growth. The fighting has improved, nothing flashy but very well done. It is semi-realistic, which I approve of, and the camera work is good. I started to notice the exact real stances that were put into the show for each element, as well as the swordfighting.

Still, one episode of Naruto (the latest one) completely dwarfs the feels and passion and realism and awesomeness of the entire show.

If only Avatar killed off some people. Seems to make the show have more meaning, and realism, and umph (not too much...GoT).

June 10th
Zuko's character is really...not very convincing. Also, fusion-ha...I mean...dragon dance.

June 15th
Finished the show a few days ago, but needed some time to marinate on my final review.

It was a strong and solid show. General animation only got better from beginning to end. The fighting animation and style stayed consistent throughout the show, and was simple yet attractive to the eye, loyal to traditional Chinese martial art movements (as much as I know). I actually enjoy it a lot better than most modern anime fighting animation, which tends to be unrealistic, overly dramatic, and too fast and flashy. I do not like flashy. I feel like that is a step in the wrong direction for the entire anime industry, and they can learn a thing or two from Avatar.

 The music as enjoyable, cheesy at times, childish at times, and mostly not asian but more native american at times. Still, it complements the show well.

There were weaknesses. The characters were cookie cutter american cartoon. The praised character growth was overly hyped and didn't match my expectations. Even when people said the characters grew physically, I cannot say I noticed it. There were episodes where you see Aang confront his responsibility and destiny, and you see Katara grow from a useless girl into a formidable water bender, and Sokka only stayed annoying throughout the show and somehow managed to get cute girlfriends, but none of these were consistent, extraordinary, or believable. I am being too harsh, but it was waaaaaaaaay too overly hyped.

The ending of the show seemed very rushed, with all of Aang's lackluster training completely useless due to the Deus ex machina return of Aang's avatar state. There wasn't too much large scale fighting at the end, and the whole blimp destruction seemed way too easy and cliche. The most puzzling plot point was the love story between Aang and Katara. Everything was resolved without an explanation in the last episode. No real DTR. No real transition or exploration of Katara's "I'm not sure" state.

Final thoughts. For this show to be considered worthwhile (by me), I must be able to relate, to grow, and gain from watching the show. I definitely enjoyed it. I may be a little too old to grow from it, and the characters were relatable. The limitations of the show as a children's cartoon were noticeable throughout, like filler episodes, lack of violence, and realistic adults, but it is what it is. I already harped on this, but people do get hurt in the show (despite Aang's remarks while on turtle island), and an exploration of this fact was missing from the show. Just like my maturity post, for there to be good character development in a story, there has to be struggles/hurdles and revelations of simple life truths. Compared to the other stories I was following during break, like Words of Radiance and Tigana, it definitely couldn't compare. The Avatar got nothing on The Radiants and shardblades, and doesn't have enough characterization, emotion, and hair-pulling decision making of one of fantasy's classics. Still it was the best American cartoon I've seen to date.

Above all else, I loved the animals in the show. "heart" Appa and Momo.

How to Love One Another: Affirm, Share, and Serve - Tim Keller

Affirm
1. Affirm one another’s strengths, abilities, and gifts.

• Romans 12:10: “Honor one another”
• James 5:9: “Don’t grumble against each other”
• Romans 12:3-8: Confirm the gifts of one another

2. Affirm one another’s equal importance in Christ.

• Romans 15:7: “Accept one another, then, just as Christ accepted you”
• 1 Corinthians 12:25: “Have equal concern for each other”
• 1 Peter 5:5: “Clothe yourselves with humility toward one another”
• James 2:1: “Don’t show favoritism”

3. Affirm one another through visible affection.

• Romans 16:16: “Greet one another with a holy kiss”
• James 1:19: “Be quick to listen, slow to speak”
• Ephesians 4:32: “Be kind and compassionate to one another”
• 1 Thessalonians 3:12: “[May] your love increase and overflow for each other”

Share
4. Share one another’s space, goods, and time.

• Romans 12:10: “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love”
• 1 Peter 4:9: “Offer hospitality to one another”
• Galatians 6:10: “As we have opportunity, let us do good”

5. Share one another’s needs and problems.

• Galatians 6:2: “Carry each other’s burdens”
• 1 Thessalonians 5:11: “Encourage one another”
• Hebrews 3:13: “Encourage one another daily”

6. Share one another’s beliefs, thinking, and spirituality.

• Colossians 3:16: “Teach and admonish one another”
• Ephesians 5:19: “Speak to one another with psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs”
• Romans 12:16: “Live in harmony with one another”
• 1 Corinthians 1:10: “Agree with one another”

Serve
7. Serve one another through accountability.

• James 5:16: “Confess your sins to each other and pray for each other”
• Romans 15:14: “Instruct one another”
• Ephesians 4:25: “Speak truthfully”

8. Serve one another through forgiveness and reconciliation.

• Ephesians 4:2: “Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love”
• Colossians 3:13: “Forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another”
• Galatians 5:25: Don’t provoke or envy one another
• James 4:11: “Do not slander one another”
• Matthew 5:23-24; 18:15: Reestablish broken relationships with one another

9. Serve one another’s interests rather than our own.

• Hebrews 10:24: “spur one another on toward love and good deeds”
• Romans 15:1-2: Don’t please yourself but please others
• Galatians 5:13: “Serve one another”

Note to be added later...

Hero

This week I asked the question, “how can you incorporate the Gospel into fantasy?”
The immediately reply was “Lord of the Rings.” “Chronicles of Narnia.”

I walked straight into that one.

So you see, some of the most well known fantasy series were based on the Gospel (Tolkien is known as the father of high/epic fantasy you know). You see this in novels and movies a lot. We as humanity love stories where there is a hero. The One is what I would call him (as my dad would always say about Neo from The Matrix, how he is basically the Gospel figure). We naturally gravitate to this kind of figure (and many times we daydream how we are The One), and love stories with the hero or heroine.

As all Christians know, The One isn’t just a fantasy, but all fantasies are imitations of Him.


Back to Lord of the Rings. A conversation today.

Friend: You remind me of Samwise Gamgee
Me: Thanks…there is a post for that
Me: Sometimes I don’t want to be equated with a fat stinky hobbit (joke…quoting Gollum)
Friend: Dude, he is better than Frodo
Me: Ya, but I think everyone usually wants to be Frodo, not Sam

"I can’t carry it for you, but I can carry you! " - Samwise Gamgee

When I sit down and really think about Samwise Gamgee, he really isn’t “that fat and stupid hobbit” that media portrays him (yes I am thinking about Honest Trailers on youtube right now).

He is the true brother and true friend for Frodo.

He symbolizes accountability and church in LoTR.

He is the full characterization of Galatians 6:2.

He never falters once through the entire story (both in the novel and in film adaptation, Frodo actually doesn’t falter in the book either and never betrays Sam as he did in the movie).

He actually has killed multiple orcs and fought a giant spider (Shelob) singlehandedly.

He is the second only character in the novels to fully resist the temptation of the ring (the 1st being Tom Bombadil). This scene must be the most pinnacle scene in the third book. Not even Gandalf, Galadriel, or Aragorn could accomplish this feat (they recognized their limits).

In the end, he marries the girl of his dreams, and has a wonderful family of 13 kids, rules the Shire as mayor for 7x7 consecutive years, and eventually travels across the sea to the undying lands to be with his friends.

He reveals how a Christian show grow, as he started out as a simple gardener.

He has a courageous and humble heart.

So yeah, I really need to re-think what it means to be like Samwise Gamgee. Even Tolkien himself said he was the “chief hero” of the trilogy. Let us learn to be like Sam and help shoulder the burdens and struggles of our brothers and sisters.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O_NmCh42hZM

Frodo: You've left out one of the chief characters - Samwise the Brave. I want to hear more about Sam. [stops and turns to Sam] Frodo: Frodo wouldn't have got far without Sam. Sam: Now Mr. Frodo, you shouldn't make fun; I was being serious. Frodo: So was I.

"What kind of people would we be if we are filling our radar screens with a God who is sovereign, creator, redeemer, and worker?" - Sunder Krishnan

There is a balance between God as love and God as sovereign, you need to understand God as creator, God as wrathful, and God as majestic, as well as God as savior, God as Father, and God as he-who-loves-you-more-than-anyone-in-the-world-to-the-point-of-absolute-incomprehension. Sometimes we forget one, and sometimes we forget both.

It is very curious. I started out as a person who lived out God’s love and mercy as a kid, but something horrendous happened to me that forced me all the way across the field to become a Christian who knew too many bible verses, read too many theology and apologetic books,  and upheld the upmost level of purity and “moral” living that I became what was called a “super-Christian” in others’ eyes. That is a derogatory term. I remember writing back in my sophomore year that I realized this danger, how a faith based around theology was faith on “easy-mode”, and I sought to remove my nose from the books that I truly did enjoy so that I can spend more time putting my ear on people’s hearts.

Let me continue to grow and change, because if I truly encounter God every single day, how can I not change?

"Let me take it a little further. Let’s imagine that I show up late and I run up here on the platform, and all the leaders are angry with me and say, “Brother Paul, don’t you appreciate the fact you’re given an opportunity to speak here and you come late?” And I’d say, “Brothers, you have to forgive me.” “Well, why?” Well, I was out here on the highway, and I was driving and I had a flat tire and I got out to change the tire, and when I was changing the tire, the lug nut fell off, and I wasn’t paying attention that I was on the highway and I ran out and I grabbed the lug nut, and as soon as I picked it up in the middle of the highway, I stood up and there was a 30-ton logging truck going 120 miles an hour about ten yards in front of me, and it ran me over and that’s why I’m late.” Now, there would only be two…I know no one studies logic anymore, but there would only be two logical conclusions. One, I’m a liar or, two, I’m a madman. You would say, “Brother Paul, it’s absolutely absurd. It is impossible, Brother Paul, to have an encounter with something as large as a logging truck and not be changed. ”And then my question would be to you–What is larger? A logging truck or God? How is it that so many people today profess to have had an encounter with Jesus Christ and yet they are not permanently changed?" - Paul Washer (2 Corinthians 5:17)

That is a bit strong. Change can be in little steps. There are many times we fail to comprehend God. Heck, it is impossible to fully comprehend God, and all those Christians who pretend they do are all faking it. So we need to be honest with ourselves. We need to admit we barely scratching the surface of God’s love for us, and that is okay. We are sinners like everyone else in the world, but what have that they don’t have is acceptance of our brokenness and desire to love Jesus. So stop comparing yourself with others, we are all growing at our own pace. God has His own unique plan for each and every one of us. Our job is to have the desire to seek it, and then once found, to rely on the strength of God to run with it. Today we won’t be like Jesus. Tomorrow we won’t be like Jesus. But everyday through scripture, through prayer, through community, and through making disciples, we get a little bit closer to being like Jesus.

Yesterday I didn’t know Jesus. Today I do. Tomorrow I will get to know Him a little better, and that is something beautiful. Grace, Faith. Hope.

“I am not what I ought to be, I am not what I want to be, I am not what I hope to be in another world; but still I am not what I once used to be, and by the grace of God I am what I am” - John Newton

Why

Simplistic living isn't about self control, but about limiting the desires in your heart.

If you know me, if I wanted something, I will buy it no questions asked (think Tamiya cars, my djembe, or even Christian books). But I spend the least among my friends, and probably accumulated the least of "stuff" as well. I've just decided that there aren't really much I want or need in life.

That actually probably has to do with my upbringing. My family growing up was really poor, and so I had to learn that I couldn't have everything. And then the Christian mentality of seeking first the Kingdom of God and not the world kicked in sometime in college.

In very brief moments, I wish that I were richer. That I knew how to dress better and had a better selection of classy and high end clothes (with a body to match them). I wish I more hobbies, or just a respectable hobby (I guess anime, melee, theology, liking animals, and Tamiya cars don't count). Seriously, this summer all I do after coming home from lab is watch smash videos and sermons on youtube. In the words of Matt Chandler, making theology/doctrine a hobby is the lamest hobby you can have. I could be attempting to lose weight (trying...still sore) and reading Words of Radiance (the book that hit the maximum page limit for its publisher).

I wish I drove a better car (though I get many compliments on how clean it is), was alcohol savvy (know my wines and could drink beer so I can actually talk to the ChemE phD students), knew how to style my hair better, was skinner and didn't have a severe underbite so I can't actually have a toothed smile, and wish I had talents in music or singing or video gaming or sports or dancing or photography (all Asians have at least one of these under his or her belt...except me). Actually I really wish I was a better writer, to be able to write short stories and a novel someday. I wish I had a clear cut future in front of me. These are all things my Christians friends all have or desire.

Note: Prosperity Gospel is health, wealth, and worldly happiness. Basically anti-Jesus in a nutshell.

I know none of those things matter. Jesus told us not to pursue any of them. Yet in moments of weakness and temptation (like this one) I wished I had even a speck of those things. Even more I wished that the girls I'm interested in didn't seek these things in their future husband (or just their future boyfriend).

God why do I feel so outclassed?

Sometimes I'm just tired of arguing with my brothers and sisters in Christ that worldly ambition and pursuit are not compatible with the Kingdom (there are ways to make these ambitions Godly ones though).

Sometimes I'm just tired of watching my sisters choose guys who cannot lead them spiritually. I'm saying this for both myself and for all other Godly guys out there who continuously seek God first and try to prepare for a covenant marriage, where they will do their best to emulate how Jesus loved the church.

Sometimes I wish I wasn't passed over because I lacked any of the aforementioned traits or talents by people I want to form a relationship with, both platonic or romantic.

Man I really wish I wasn't such a boring person who isn't passionate about anything but God, and for some reason I'm told everyday that it isn't enough.

P.S. Whoever I marry will really need to be someone who doesn't wish for a grand living or effluent lifestyle. I really am not someone who can give that or have the heart to desire that. I'm sorry.

P.P.S. God is enough. Let this rant/compliant turn into a sincere desire for prayer. I want to live a life where I no longer have to complain.

Many times we think someone is ranting, but they’re actually speaking with conviction: and everyone has just forgotten the sound of real passion.  We’re so afraid of absolutes and a strong gut and digging in your heels, that we dismiss the powerful voice of a lonely fighter.  Listen for quiet strength, for humble confidence.  It’s not often someone will stand for what is right, what is true, what is pure.  More often we’re afraid to admit we’re afraid, because the truth is so blinding in a dark world.
— J

I just realized...

At Washu, I spent most of my time discussing, debating, sharing, and living out the faith with atheists, seekers, or new Christians.

At CMU, I spend most of my time discussing, debating, sharing, and living out the faith with strong and/or long-term Christians.

Is there anything wrong with either picture?

Is this what God wants me (specifically) to be doing?

Can we have the best of both worlds?

I just posted another "college" photo album on facebook today. It has been a while since my last one. It is surprising that I used to take at least half of all the photos for two fellowships in the years I was part of them, yet now I am extremely hesitant to take a single photo or upload any (or allow myself to be taken...but actually the photographers know I'm un-photogenic so they avoid me anyways).

I look back on those old fellowship photos. They really have no meaning anymore, for me or the other photo residents. Past souls trapped in frame, lost forever. Meaningless (maybe not...I am hesitant to delete them in case God still has a purpose for them).

I will do my best to not let the newest one fall into the same fate.

CMU 2013-2014

My first year at CMU and graduate school.

I've learned a lot. Both from my fellow graduate students and the undergraduate fellowship.

I've also grew a lot. Especially for one year. I've learned more about God's sovereignty and grace than I ever have. I've also learned to accept and relate to other people's view of the Gospel more. I truly believe there is something I can learn from Pentecostals and charismatics. I can also learn from Calvinists/Reformed. There is something to be gained from Methodists, Lutherans, Baptists, and other evangelicals. I've already learned a lot from my hyper-conservative home church. I also enjoy listening to the Love the Roman Catholics have for God. All of these people are my brothers and sisters, and I will love them all dearly regardless of differences in doctrine. It should be a joy to listen to other people's personal stories and how their experiences shape their view of The Cross and God's Love.

This year and every following year I will continue to grow a little more in my understanding of God's Love for me and confess that God is enough for me. My goal is to continue to encourage others in the Spirit gently. Maybe I could be more firm and direct, but I think God is calling me right now to be more passive, to listen more, and to watch carefully how God is shaping other lives. There is no need for me to rush in and force extortion down people's throats. That never helps. The truth must always be spoken in gentleness and kindness, with the heart-felt intent to lift the brother or sister up from their brokenness and sin.

The continuation of growth, that every day brings you a little closer to God and the understanding of God's sovereignty and love. That is something to be excited about, that tomorrow God will reveal a little bit more of Himself to me, and this will never stop until the day I die and enter heaven.

I know I have a lot of experience. I have seen a lifetime worth of good and bad things in multiple fellowships and multiple environments. I have delved into the depths of theology and come out a more spiritually prideful person. This year I have learned to set these aside and just enjoy the grace God has provided. I have watched many undergrads grow, most of them way more spiritually mature than I was at their age (or even when I graduated). In almost all cases, they have taught me more about the Gospel and challenged my faith more than I have them. There is a joy to just watch how God is working in people's lives.

At the graduation dinner, I was a little jealous (but also extremely happy for everyone). I bitterly boycotted my own senior night. The night before graduation people told me that I was never part of the community. "This is how the world is" they told me. I thought Christians were all about being set apart from the world and loving each other as brothers and sisters. It was almost like the fellowship I had so hard to fit into has finally and completely rejected me. Just imagine if your last memory of fellowship before graduation was being told you never had community and never was accepted, instead of jamming together with fellowship and really enjoying God together.

I have heard and personally listened to many atheist's backstories and how they were similar to this, mostly how fellowships treated them in high school. Most of the strongest anti-Christians were born this way. I wonder if God hadn't had a strong hold on me, I would have become one of these people. Abandoned by fellowship. Abandoned by church. That being said I do not think I was any better during my senior year, and not a day goes by without me regretting my actions. But God has forgiven me, so I have and will continue to forgive my debtors and ask for forgiveness from those who seek it. We were all very broken people, created by the circumstances shoved upon us and the brokenness afflicted upon us by those who care before. It is time we break the chain of bitterness and forsakenness, and rely on God's strength in us instead of our idols or our pride. We need to learn to utilize God's unconditional love to encourage and care for our brothers and sisters. That is my prayer for my past fellowships.

Nevertheless, I am truly blessed to find such a God-fearing fellowship that tries its hardest to challenge each other's faith and love one another in a Acts 2 kind of way. It is truly God's gift to me, after I accepted that God alone is enough, to show me what real fellowship looks like. You could hear it in the sharing, both by the graduates and their parents. I also learned in Vision School why in Luke 10 Jesus sent the disciples out two by two. Just read Ecclesiastes 4:9-12. We are stronger when we are together. We are called to work and mission together. That is why we are called the Body, with different spiritual gifts and callings, but functioning and working as one for a common goal. To live. To disciple. To glorify God. (My physiology teacher would love this analogy..."multiple unique systems working in sync for growth and development of the human body"). How can anyone love another if they are isolated all by themselves?

All relationships are missional. I believe this one was also from Vision School, a play on missionary dating. The people you meet are people God specifically and completely intentionally set before you (in a predestined fashion if you are a Calvinist...hat off to Elder Gordon). As Tim Keller once said, we are to "honor one another, serve one another, offer hospitality to one another, encourage one another, accept one another, bear with one another, admonish one another, teach one another, and Love one another." That is what friendship is about. That is what being brothers and sisters in Christ is about.

God works in mysterious ways. He also grants overflowing blessings to those who totally don't deserve it. Okay, we all don't deserve salvation, but I totally do not deserve a second chance for fellowship. Not at the undergraduate level anyways. Who would have known that going to a game night to play smash bros. would land me in one of the most wonderful fellowships I have ever been a part of. God knew. I want to thank all my brothers and sisters here and in the places past for praying for me, walking with me, challenging me, rebuking me, encouraging me, and picking me up and showing me God when the light in me has all but gone out.

I want to congratulate all the graduates of 2014, may you all find new community where God has placed you to grow and mission, and that you never ever forget the memories and friendships made in college. To me, coming together and just singing out hearts out as a fellowship, that is what heaven is going to be like. Taste of Heaven. Mmmmmmmm.

Peace be to you.

Today I got bit by a spider while eating dinner.

I went through 4 stages.
First was the intense stinging and redness of the site of the bite.
Then was the tingling of my entire hand and up my arm.
After that was the feeling of faintness and anxiety.
Lastly was the "wow that was kind of new, and kind of cool" feeling.

http://nymag.com/news/features/cancer-peter-bach-2014-5/

It turns out that Hollywood has grief and loss all wrong. The waves and spikes don’t arrive predictably in time or severity. It’s not an anniversary that brings the loss to mind, or someone else’s reminiscences, nor being in a restaurant where you once were together. It’s in the grocery aisle passing the romaine lettuce and recalling how your spouse learned to make Caesar salad, with garlic-soaked croutons, because it was the only salad you’d agree to eat. Or when you glance at a rerun in an airport departure lounge and it’s one of the episodes that aired in the midst of a winter afternoon years earlier, an afternoon that you two had passed together. Or on the rise of a full moon, because your wife, from the day you met her, used to quote from The Sheltering Sky about how few you actually see in your entire life. It’s not sobbing, collapsing, moaning grief. It’s phantom-limb pain. It aches, it throbs, there’s nothing there, and yet you never want it to go away.

A bit emo, but this is reality. This is something everyone must face one day, including me (unless we die first). Death will come, but to have Hope is how you make it through each day after.

The King and Lionheart

"Aslan a man!" said Mr. Beaver sternly. "Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don’t you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion - the Lion, the great Lion."
“Ooh!” said Susan. “I thought he was a man. Is he - quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”
“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs. Beaver; “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.”
“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.
“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ‘Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”
 
“Are you not thirsty?” said the Lion.
“I am dying of thirst,” said Jill.
“Then drink,” said the Lion.
“May I — could I — would you mind going away while I do?” said Jill.
The Lion answered this only by a look and a very low growl. And as Jill gazed at its motionless bulk, she realized that she might as well have asked the whole mountain to move aside for her convenience.
The delicious rippling noise of the stream was driving her nearly frantic.
“Will you promise not to — do anything to me, if I do come?” said Jill.
“I make no promise,” said the Lion.
Jill was so thirsty now that, without noticing it, she had come a step nearer.
“Do you eat girls?” she said.
“I have swallowed up girls and boys, women and men, kings and emperors, cities and realms,” said the Lion. It didn’t say this as if it were boasting, nor as if it were sorry, nor as if it were angry. It just said it.
“I daren’t come and drink,” said Jill.
“Then you will die of thirst,” said the Lion.
“Oh dear!” said Jill, coming another step nearer. “I suppose I must go and look for another stream then.”
“There is no other stream,” said the Lion.”

Spiritual Warfare

"The devil always sends errors into the world in pairs of opposites... He relies on your dislike of one to draw you into the opposite one." - C.S. Lewis

In context C.S. Lewis was talking about Individualism and Totalitarianism, but it can applied this way too (though many of C.S. Lewis's quotes are taken out of context, especially on social media).

The Devil's greatest trick is to convince the world he does not exist (Charles Baudelaire). Think about it. If Satan were to appear in public, say Times Square in a Loki-esque fashion, and announce to the world that he is evil and everyone should worship him, that would be the fastest way to send people to Heaven. Honestly it would be faster than if Jesus were to (re)appear (prior to the 2nd coming revealed in all His glory, Philippians 2, Revelations 1:7), because we see in the Bible how that turned out, miracles and all. That is why he and other demons do not make their presence known (though it is a possibility they still directly afflict people in cultures where the supernatural is more widely accepted, read Christian history).

The Devil uses pain and pleasure to lead us away from the Gospel.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FA3HDlM-FcY (12:55 mark)

In places explicitly hostile to the Gospel, the Devil uses pain to deter seekers into not trusting in Jesus. Think about it. In those places when you believe, you can no longer get a job. You can no longer get married. You are disowned by your family. You are ostracized in the community. You are persecuted to the point of death by the government and religious extremists. So the physical risk is higher. The lost of lifelong dreams is greater (who doesn't want to get married right?).

But God teaches through pain also. Through our deepest pain we learn how to call upon God and rely on Him. Contrary to the popular saying "God helps those who helps themselves" (which is actually found in the Quran), the reality is that God helps those who realize they cannot help themselves. We can find God through suffering.

Historically the Devil has used what we would think as the most blissful situations in his favor. In the early church, when the Roman Empire persecuted Christians reverently, the global church actually exploded in number under this pressure. But when the Romans finally adopted Christianity and made it their official religion, you see a huge stagnancy within the Church that lasted quite a while. Why did this happen? Because when you are persecuted, the testing of your faith will prove it to be genuine, and the world will see (1 Peter 1:7,2:12).

"You never know how much you really believe anything until its truth of falsehood becomes a matter of life and death to you. It is easy to say you believe a rope to be strong and sound as long as you are merely using it to cord a box. But suppose you had to hang by that rope over a precipice. Wouldn't you then first discover how much you really trusted it?” - C.S. Lewis

Now in modern times, you also see this stagnancy arising in places where Christianity is the predominant religion. You see Christians indulging in worldly ways and convince themselves they are blessed because they are not suffering. You see Christians setting up idols for themselves and not calling them idols. The nations considered most "strongly Christian," such as South Korea and the United States, are counted as countries heavily steeped in materialism, physicalism, and idolatry of prosperity. (There is still persecution in these nations, just of a difference sense. Also not bashing on these countries. They are the forerunners in mission and faith, and that is something to be praised.)

"Prosperity knits a man to the world. He feels that he is finding his place in it, while really it is finding its place in him" - C.S. Lewis

Here we see how the Devil uses pleasure to lead us away from God. Not saying God doesn't use pleasure and prosperity to bless us. He does (see Job 42, the life of Abraham or Joseph). But these forefathers did not seek pleasure and idols. They sought only God and walked by faith (Hebrews 11, James 5:11, Galatians 3:9, Stephen's speech). We just need to Abide in Him (John 15:4-5).

Satan's stronghold in the East may be built upon pain, but his plan in the West is to wreck our lives through pleasure and comfort. We forget that God has given Satan dominion over the world (1 John 5:19, Matt 4:8, Ephesians 2:2, John 12:31). Note that the world doesn't include believers (Colossians 1:13, John 17:14, John 15:19).

"I didn’t go to religion to make me happy. I always knew a bottle of Port would do that. If you want a religion to make you feel really comfortable, I certainly don’t recommend Christianity." - C.S. Lewis
“And all the time the joke is that the word 'Mine' in its fully possessive sense cannot be uttered by a human being about anything. In the long run either Our Father or the Enemy will say 'Mine' of each thing that exists, and specially of each man. They will find out in the end, never fear, to whom their time, their souls, and their bodies really belong-certainly not to them, whatever happens.” - C.S. Lewis

Both God and the Devil are engaged in a tug of war for our hearts. God uses both pain and pleasure to challenge and cultivate us, but we must not allow the Devil to manipulate these and convincing us to blame or forget God. 

"Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pains. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." - C.S. Lewis

From VS:

If you dwell in Him, you will become like Him.
Do not suffer for your sin.
Do not suffer to hear God, to love Him, or to become like Him.
We say we do it out of Love, but do we even have Love?
That is why we just obey and believe in Jesus. Everything else will come naturally.

Trust and obey, there is no other way. - John H. Sammis

do i have a crush on you or am i just lonely

do i like you or do i like that you like me

do I like you or do I like the idea of you

do i want to be in a relationship or do i just want to prove that i’m worthy of one

are you flirting with me, or can i just not recognize when people are being nice to me

"The great thing to remember is that though our feelings come and go God's love for us does not" 
- C.S. Lewis

some days...I just wanted to be treated as a human, as a brother in Christ

instead of being discriminated against

instead of being judged by the world's standards
instead of being considered a body, not a soul or heart

As C.S. Lewis puts it we are a soul, not a body

yet why do people, especially brothers and sisters in Christ, measure us by our bodies
aren't we called not to give into our flesh?  

1 John 2:15-16

Do not love the world or anything in the world. If anyone loves the world, love for the Father is not in them. For everything in the world—the lust of the flesh, the lust of the eyes, and the pride of life—comes not from the Father but from the world.

John 15:19

If you belonged to the world, it would love you as its own. As it is, you do not belong to the world, but I have chosen you out of the world. That is why the world hates you.

1 Samuel 16:7
But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things people look at. People look at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.”

James 2:1-4

My brothers and sisters, believers in our glorious Lord Jesus Christ must not show favoritism. 2 Suppose a man comes into your meeting wearing a gold ring and fine clothes, and a poor man in filthy old clothes also comes in. 3 If you show special attention to the man wearing fine clothes and say, “Here’s a good seat for you,” but say to the poor man, “You stand there” or “Sit on the floor by my feet,” 4 have you not discriminated among yourselves and become judges with evil thoughts?

Notes

"Intimacy without commitment is adultery." - DWhang

To have proper intimacy with God, we need to be obedient. That means to pray, to read the Word, to make disciples, and to love one another (4 pillars:prayer, scripture, evangelism, community). Our whole life is a continuous act of worship. Intimacy will naturally come following the changes in our heart.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. My Father will love them, and we will come to them and make our home with them. (John 14:23)

We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands. Whoever says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person. But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did. (1 John 2:3-6)

This is how we know that we love the children of God: by loving God and carrying out his commands. ³ In fact, this is love for God: to keep his commands. (1 John 5:2-3)

And this is love: that we walk in obedience to his commands. As you have heard from the beginning, his command is that you walk in love. (2 John 1:6)

"God doesn't use people who are ready. He uses people who are obedient." - DWhang

No other religion has a god who meets them where they are. In other religions we have to work our way up to that god. But for us, God comes and meets us where we are. That is why we have testimonies.

He came to us.
He initiates.
He loves us.
He died for us.

“She was beautiful, but not like those girls in the magazines. She was beautiful, for the way she thought. She was beautiful, for the sparkle in her eyes when she talked about something she loved. She was beautiful, for her ability to make other people smile, even if she was sad. No, she wasn't beautiful for something as temporary as her looks. She was beautiful, deep down to her soul. She is beautiful.” ― F. Scott Fitzgerald