If you know me, if I wanted something, I will buy it no questions asked (think Tamiya cars, my djembe, or even Christian books). But I spend the least among my friends, and probably accumulated the least of "stuff" as well. I've just decided that there aren't really much I want or need in life.
That actually probably has to do with my upbringing. My family growing up was really poor, and so I had to learn that I couldn't have everything. And then the Christian mentality of seeking first the Kingdom of God and not the world kicked in sometime in college.
In very brief moments, I wish that I were richer. That I knew how to dress better and had a better selection of classy and high end clothes (with a body to match them). I wish I more hobbies, or just a respectable hobby (I guess anime, melee, theology, liking animals, and Tamiya cars don't count). Seriously, this summer all I do after coming home from lab is watch smash videos and sermons on youtube. In the words of Matt Chandler, making theology/doctrine a hobby is the lamest hobby you can have. I could be attempting to lose weight (trying...still sore) and reading Words of Radiance (the book that hit the maximum page limit for its publisher).
I wish I drove a better car (though I get many compliments on how clean it is), was alcohol savvy (know my wines and could drink beer so I can actually talk to the ChemE phD students), knew how to style my hair better, was skinner and didn't have a severe underbite so I can't actually have a toothed smile, and wish I had talents in music or singing or video gaming or sports or dancing or photography (all Asians have at least one of these under his or her belt...except me). Actually I really wish I was a better writer, to be able to write short stories and a novel someday. I wish I had a clear cut future in front of me. These are all things my Christians friends all have or desire.
Note: Prosperity Gospel is health, wealth, and worldly happiness. Basically anti-Jesus in a nutshell.
I know none of those things matter. Jesus told us not to pursue any of them. Yet in moments of weakness and temptation (like this one) I wished I had even a speck of those things. Even more I wished that the girls I'm interested in didn't seek these things in their future husband (or just their future boyfriend).
God why do I feel so outclassed?
Sometimes I'm just tired of arguing with my brothers and sisters in Christ that worldly ambition and pursuit are not compatible with the Kingdom (there are ways to make these ambitions Godly ones though).
Sometimes I'm just tired of watching my sisters choose guys who cannot lead them spiritually. I'm saying this for both myself and for all other Godly guys out there who continuously seek God first and try to prepare for a covenant marriage, where they will do their best to emulate how Jesus loved the church.
Sometimes I wish I wasn't passed over because I lacked any of the aforementioned traits or talents by people I want to form a relationship with, both platonic or romantic.
Man I really wish I wasn't such a boring person who isn't passionate about anything but God, and for some reason I'm told everyday that it isn't enough.
P.S. Whoever I marry will really need to be someone who doesn't wish for a grand living or effluent lifestyle. I really am not someone who can give that or have the heart to desire that. I'm sorry.
P.P.S. God is enough. Let this rant/compliant turn into a sincere desire for prayer. I want to live a life where I no longer have to complain.
Many
times we think someone is ranting, but they’re actually speaking with
conviction: and everyone has just forgotten the sound of real passion.
We’re so afraid of absolutes and a strong gut and digging in your heels,
that we dismiss the powerful voice of a lonely fighter. Listen for
quiet strength, for humble confidence. It’s not often someone will
stand for what is right, what is true, what is pure. More often we’re
afraid to admit we’re afraid, because the truth is so blinding in a dark
world.
— J
— J
No comments:
Post a Comment