Ready to Date (very rough sketch)

If any brother (or sister) ever asks me how I would know they are ready to date. I would ask them one question: what is the purpose of marriage? If they can answer this single question, I believe they are ready to be made ready for marriage.

Purpose of marriage
 

Testimony of Christ and the church (Ephesians 5, Matthew 19, Genesis to Revelations)

For ministry

Marriage a temporary construct

A covenant and a sacrament

Love one another as brother and sister, as the body

Accountability as brother and sister

Selflessness/Dying to one self – to teach us how to love and rely on God’s love; not for self-fulfillment

Testimony to unbelievers – purest form of preaching the Gospel w/o manipulation (John 13)

Sex as the greatest intimacy and pleasure given to us by God

Having and raising Godly children

Marriage is not eternal, and we are to live for eternal things

Everything else is (relatively) case by case analysis (barring basic assumptions) and can be redeemed  or grown/worked into

Direct CLEAR CUT message from God (rare, I have yet to meet a couple that I believe this happened)

(spiritual) Maturity – responsibility, knowledge (wisdom and truth) of the Word and Gospel (Hebrews 5,6), biblical manhood/womanhood, new believer; role in local ministry; discernment capabilities; seeking first the Kingdom of God, having a Christ-centered life; humility; Godly character; Love and fruits of the Spirit

Understanding of singleness and loneliness; Christ is enough for me

Age and stage of life - Age gap; social awareness and social responsibility (money, taxes, assets, careers, roles in society etc)

Dating history – breakup recently, dated friends of friends, bad relationships

Sin history

Unrepentant sins

Sin temptations – clingyness, idolatry; tendencies; weaknesses; trust issues; shame/guilt

Callings – different directions; future plans; lust

Accountability – from friends/peers; from church/pastoral guidance; counselors; married couples

Parental support and blessing – courtship (extreme case)

Family history – are parents Christian; were they abusive; were they present; did they commit mistakes or have strong and loving presence; closeness with parents; forgave parents

Location – long-distance? Sustainable for marriage? Missions in the nations?

How much prayer and scripture reading they’ve had (and if this can lead to “spiritual sex”)

Boundaries - physical, emotional, spiritual

Personalities

Romance (non-lustful non-idolatrous type)

Physical (and mental) health

Compatibility and interests and chemistry (unnecessary but can make relationships easier)

Dangers of compatibility – Most pastors will admit that compatibility isn’t very important. Tim Keller even went to say that compatibility should only encompass things like “can’t be 40 years a part” or “they must be able to breathe,” and outside of those things are moot. In 2010, my junior year GF small group, our small group leader mentioned that in the ideal Christian world, any two Christians can marry and have a successful God centered marriage. Note the word ideal. We all knew in the small group that given we live in a fallen world and we are flawed people with sinful desires that ideal can never happen, and we scoffed at the idea. But then we stopped and thought. Though we live in a fallen world and are flawed people, because we were saved by grace, we ought to live as we were holy (in order to become holy and righteous). If that is the ideal that Christ would have worked for, then in a way we should try to work for it. At the end of the small group, we all decided if possible, we would want to live that ideal, or at least meditate on that thought when choosing a spouse. This illustrates to how marriage is a ministry founded on self-sacrificing love. Be the chosen people. Be the royal priesthood. Be the holy nation that God intends us to become.

People will change. You will change. That person will change. The very act of marriage is ground shaking enough to change a person. Therefore if you chose to be with someone because they were compatible, then you are on shaky ground.

Compatibility/chemistry at its core is selfishness. It tells us things like pornography are okay because the 2-D women are completely compatible with us, pleasing us, obeying us, gratifying us. We literally/chemically/physiologically and figuratively have the best chemistry with porn. Following down a path of compatibility will lead one to search for the most compatible partner, which then points to the reality that someone “better” will always come along. You can now see how this leads to cheating and adultery and jealousy.