(source)

This picture. It is like watching your child die, and then you finally get to meet that child again in heaven. And the song!!! This has got to be one of the most tender moments I've ever seen in storytelling. Ever!

Mrs. Ott, self-proclaimed great grandmother and crazy Godly woman, told us that she still has much to learn about prayer. How much more do I need to learn?

I am going to leave a reminder here to myself. If I am going to go to an Islamic country, where to convert to Christianity almost always leads to abandonment by family, loss of all job opportunities, loss of any chance to marry, and eventually martyrdom, then I myself must hold myself to these standards too.

How can I go up to anyone and tell them to believe in a faith that will lead to their death if I am not also willing to die for that faith also? Why should they believe if I don't have that conviction? The Gospel is worth dying for, in this country or the next.

Sword of Truth (not the fantasy series)

We are not called to swing the sword of Truth wildly, cutting both friend and foe in our reckless flailing. Instead we are to use it like Kenshin used it, "A sword is a tool to save people with." Let us use the Truth to save people.

We also need to remember who to point it at. It is not a tool to point at our brothers and sisters and friend, nor is it really to point at our enemies (I am thinking of ISIS right now), but it is a weapon forged by heavenly hands to be pointed at the Enemy and the World he rules as its prince. Another quote pops up in my head, "remember who the real enemy is" (Catching Fire).

Only God can make this happen ^_____^

I may have watched this video almost 100 times

Devo Post #5

8/18/14

2 Timothy 2:22

Flee the evil desires of youth and pursue righteousness, faith, love and peace, along with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart

Flee youthful desires. I wonder if the youthful desires back in the 1st century are similar or the same as the desires in the 21st century. Who am I kidding. What are the youthful desires now? Relationships? Respect? Prosperity? Indulgence? Entitlement? Do I need to break these down for myself?

I myself have been tempted and idolatrized these desires. I want a relationship. I want a marriage. I want to find someone I can walk with for the rest of my life and serve God and family and church together. I want that. That is something that God has ordained and is beautiful and represents the Bridegroom and Bride. This is a reflection of God’s covenant and God’s love and God’s restoration before the fall. But it can become an idol, and when it does we create a crown and throne above God’s.

I also want respect. Respect in the christian community as a leader and a servant. When I do this, I get my rewards on earth and not in heaven. I will be pursuing my own glory. This applies also in the academic or scientific community. This also applies in the “real world.” We all want acceptance and human praise for our accomplishments and gifts. We all want that. It is part of our selfish and sinful and wicked nature.

Then there is prosperity. Does God give us prosperity? Sometimes. Some more than others, as in accordance to His will. Most of us are called to be poor though, as we are to give more than we receive, and basic math tells us that we will end up with less than we had before if this algorithm is looped multiple times, even if there are times of bountiful materialistic blessings from God. But prosperity is not to be expected from God, and it is definitely not something to be idolatrized. Health? God can at any moment give us cancer, which does not differentiate between healthy and unhealthy people. God can give financial hardship at any time. Natural disasters or accidents can occur. But God does promise persecution and suffering for His children, to discipline them and mold them and have them bear the purest olive oil possible. We suffer because Christ suffer, and so we will also share in His glory at the end of the age, the Day of the Lord.

Indulgence is just idolizing the pleasures that God has created on Earth for us to enjoy, as well as following Satan’s world’s example of how we should be living. This form of living is wrought in self-idolatry and selfish thoughts, uncaring and just plain evil. Think about Noah’s time. Think about Tower of Babel. Think about Sodom and Gomorrah. We may be close in our World’s wickedness to those period of history, and you can bet God is angry.

Entitlement is our pride. We believe we have unlimited potential and the authority of gods. “The world revolves around me,” we say. We are the “me” generation right now. We are the “yuppies” right now. We are collectively in the pursuit of our own happiness. That is the pride that led to our downfall since the beginning, as well as Lucifer’s. Why do we walk in our father’s shoes? Like father like offspring I guess. It is the acceptance that we are weak and wicked and deserve eternal punishment that we can begin to understand Jesus’s love and sacrifice on the cross. It is only then can we understand and seek God’s love and God’s kingdom. 

Guess I do need to explain these things to myself.

I guess this is what Tim Keller says when he talks about how the young people put hope into worldly things. We have so much hope and faith in our future that when tragedy strikes or God uses RNG on us and our plans and dreams bottom out, we are left disillusioned and depressed. That is why God calls us to find others of pure heart, to seek accountability and discipleship and a living example of God’s will in the lives of His people. We are to pursue not our own happiness, but the righteousness of God.

Me Me Me (feelings post #3)

“Don’t bother too much about your feelings. When they are humble, loving, brave, give thanks for them; when they are conceited, selfish, cowardly, ask to have them altered. In neither case are they you, but only a thing that happens to you. What matters is your intentions and your behavior.” - C.S. Lewis

Again about feelings. Feelings are pretty much...neutral, and created by God. Which makes them good. But guess what, we use them to glorify ourselves, which is idolatrous. Just take a look.

What makes me happy? I get the grade I wanted on my test. I entered into a relationship that I've dreamed about. I got the call back from the job I wanted. I bought a new video game or shoes. Something made me happy. Something I wanted or desired occurred. Me me me.

What makes me sad? Something bad happened to me. Someone crashed into my car. Someone hurt or abandoned me. Something I did caused my reputation to decrease in another's eyes. Today was just a bad day. What can't the world just be the way how I liked it? What can't the world just revolve around me? Seriously, why can't I just end world suffering? Me me me.

What makes me angry? Someone took something from me, something that I was entitled to. Another guy swooped in and swept away my crush. A guy cut in front of my on the freeway. Someone stole my lunch money. The fellowship doesn't acknowledge my hard work and service. Me me me.

We realize that a lot of times our feelings are really about ourselves and we have to admit it, but to be sweetly broken and then molded in the image of Christ is to use our feelings for God. Then it will look like this:

What makes me happy? Someone is saved and I get to call them my brother or sister. There is growth in the church. The Gospel is being preached to all the nations. There is persecution in the Church, but we are rising to it, producing fruit and oil under the pressure. Our happiness comes from the second fruit of the Spirit that was planted in our hearts, Joy. Now we are happy for the Kingdom of God. God God God.

What makes me sad? The hurt and pain and sin within the fellowship. Those who are still lost. The persecution of our brothers and sisters. The groaning of the world since creation, that we live in a fallen world and we still wait for the second coming of Christ, who will restore the world. Christ Christ Christ.

What makes me angry? The wickedness of the World. How there are people who rape people for fun. How there are people who sell others into slavery. How there are people beheading children! May God's wrath and justice have its place in this world and in the future to come. God God God.

To follow God is to realize what God feels. Let our hearts be broken by the things that breaks God's heart. To do that, let us discover what God's heart truly is.

Why don't I share my testimony?

Coming to Pittsburgh, I have found it is hard to share my testimony. Well even in Kansas City, I really never shared it to my brothers or sisters there too. Why?

The first thing is I fear is spiritual pride. I feel like I will become self-righteous or others will see me as self-righteous when I tell my testimony. That's why I like it when my parents tell the part of my testimony of how I was in high school and earlier, so I don't have to. Part of me wants to be treated and seen as the previous ACF coordinators, or alumni that people keep on bringing up as men of faith who have led other men and built them up. Maybe that's is my dream or calling, to be able to lead and serve and care and guide and be accountable for other men of faith. I want to be like them. This leads to the second thing, which is the fear of expectations. 

I fear that people after hearing my testimony will see me in a different light, positively or negatively, instead of seeing me of how I am currently and locally. I don't want to be someone I am not, someone whose callings and growth are different from those of my past. I want to be just Daniel Lee, the person these people currently know, the person who is currently fit to serve and love and care and disciple and be accountable for right now. Like shared in cell group, but sometimes I think others from my past can tell my testimony better than I can, or be more honest about it. Both people who have seen me at my best, serving and caring, and those who have seen me at my worst, when I was depressed and "emo" and lashed out and hurt others, or when I refused help out of my own pride of not to be pitied.

The third is natural. When I share my testimony, it will also expose the ugliness of my own sin. As I tell my testimony, I can't help but fear that my sins of jealousy, pride, idolatry, and hate come out. I have to tell about how much I hated youth group, hated the young adults, hated not having a fellowship that everyone else seems to have had, hated how my Washu fellowship was immature, hated how there was a lack of elderly guidance, how certain people have hurt me, and how I've hurt and betrayed and abandoned others in my own depression and wickedness. I feel like there are way too many negative elements in my testimony, instead of positive ones, and that weakens my testimony. But I realize, there are people who can benefit from my testimony. I've been there. I've done things I regret. I've almost committed suicide, because of fellowship. I've been hurt by people. I've abandoned people. I have failed the men of ACF at Washu, and all the younger folk who looked up to me as a leader and role model. I have failed my leadership team. I know what it is like to be pitied by the fellowship, that they only cared for me because God tells them to and they have to because that's like a Christian. But it was very hard for me then, and still hard now, to tell if they were genuine and sincere, or only doing it because I got down on my knees and begged, or alienated myself and ruthlessly pushed people away in a desperate but silent cry of asking for help. In these moments I can't help but think (now) that I was just testing God and fellowship. But now when I see people doing the exact same things, having depressing thoughts in their minds and really being mind-trapped by themselves, I can empathize. I've been down that road. I can show them the light, but like myself, they will have to be the ones to walk towards it. Only God and God alone can rescue them. No one else. At the end of the day, they have to man up and say "God is enough for me." Then God will come and deliver and reveal the fullness of His Love to them. I know. I've been there. Guess who else has been there, in the pit of abandonment and loneliness. Jesus.

The last one is that when I tell my testimony, my I feel like my bitterness will come back. I fear that it never really has gone, that I've only been suppressing it. It is the pain, the suffering, the heartache, the bitterness, the hatred of people and God, it all floods back. One sister called it having a splinter or piece of glass embedded into my flesh. Over time I have gotten most of it out, but a tiny bit still remains. The skin has grown over it, but from time to time it hurts and pierces the flesh when I move. To remove it completely, one must cut open the flesh and dig out the last piece, but it will hurt. That is what I fear, the pain and hurt rushing back from the past. In cell group, they mentioned that there is still God's timing involved. Maybe this will be the thorn in my side for the rest of my life, like with Paul. It could be suffering in the name of Christ, or pressure that will help me produce the purest of oil, my Gethsemane.

One of the burdens of the current ACF is openness and vulnerability. We are afraid of sharing the ugliness in our lives, and when we cannot do that, we close ourselves to the ugliness of others. Then we don't have the church as God intended. Another is to forgive one another, and especially forgiving ourselves. We have to admit our failures and sin against others as wickedness, as evil, as our SIN (not just "brokenness"). Once we do that, we can then start to understand the Grace of God. He then can break us of our pride and our past, and create anew a new person. He is continuously cleansing us and restoring us and sanctifying us. Let us not follow in the footsteps of the servant who was forgiven by the King, and yet could not forgive his own servant. That is NOT us. We through the strength of God are better than that. We can forgive because Christ's blood has paid the price. Nothing can separate us from the Love of God, not our wickedness, our failures, our sin, or our past.

Living Water

What if you found a cup of water. The clearest water you ever laid eyes on. With no contaminants and a taste so pure. Clearly the most beautiful cup of water ever found.

But what if someone told you that the cup held the Water of Life? Water that can quench your thirst for all eternity. Water that can heal all sickness. Water that can clean all dirt and pain and blemish from any body? Water that will never stop overflowing. Then that water becomes something marvelous and wonderful. It transcends all worldly description of beauty.

This is what the woman at the well found. The well of living water. The fount of living water.

Why did my Savior have to die if there is no Hell?

You know who isn’t beautiful? You and I. Yet it makes God look BIG and GLORIOUS when He is restoring us, making us who are ugly into holy beings. What is sanctification anyways? What is suffering anyways? What is being sweetly broken anyways? What is being made new anyways? What is Love anyways? What is light without the darkness?

Who are we to decide what is beautiful and what is not to God? Aren’t we just comparing whose burnt offering looks better in God’s eyes without knowing what breaks His heart?

Jesus wants the trampled and broken. He wants the rose. He is the Bridegroom to the Church. In our dirtiest and weakest state He came to meet us. To redeem us as THE kinsmen redeemer. That is the power of the Gospel. What is the Gospel anyways?

What is the Bible anyways? Is it just a book? Is it just art? Or is it the living breathe of God, revealed by the Holy Spirit as truth? When we read the Bible, aren’t we listening to God as Elijah or Isaiah or Moses did? What is intimacy anyways? Why was the veil torn anyways? Who or what is the Holy Spirit anyways?

When did we start talking about the Gospel without the Cross?

No Cross, no Crown.

Today during breakfast I decided to look up the images of the beheaded christian children in Iraq.

I nearly puked.

I wish I did.

I wanted to print out the pictures of the dad holding up the limp, headless body of his daughter and shove it into the faces of all the Christians I know. But that wouldn't be very loving would it? What can we do about it...pray? Give some money? Make people more wary of me and avoid me in fear that I will shove more reality into their faces?

My heart is in agony today, and I know EXACTLY why. It breaks in the same way God's heart breaks for his children who are losing their lives for their faith in Iraq and Syria. It breaks for all of my brothers and sisters here who believe they are "suffering" and believe the events happening overseas do not undermine or negate their "suffering." Look at reality. Is your own suffering just some kind of self-glorification or self-idolatry, or is it really true suffering? Did you just find out you got cancer? Were you just tortured for the name of Christ, like the apostles were? Did you get a telephone call saying that your daughter just died in a car crash? If not, GET OVER YOURSELF!

In a more gentle tone, I always have (day) dreams that my sufferings are real. I thought I've had it bad. I deceive myself telling that everyone abandons me or hates me or ignores me or treats me like scum. I've had those feelings of heartbreak when I learn that I'm not going to get something I really really wanted (a relationship or fellowship) or someone who I really cared about doesn't see me in the same way. I am very selfish and also believed my suffering was justified, just read any of my earlier posts on this blog. But it doesn't compare with the current sufferings of my brothers and sisters in Iraq today. It just doesn't. I would be sinning gravely against these brothers and sisters if I pretended my suffering was in the same category as theirs. Just pretending. Holy Spirit convict me.

I really don't think saying "Oh but they are now in heaven and have eternal peace and joy" skirts the issue here. To be Christian is to love, because God first loved us. That means we have to know what breaks God's heart and makes our Lord sad. Only then can we love in accordance to His will.

I'm going to try to hold a prayer meeting sometime this weekend for these children and families. They are suffering for Christ. They are trying to survive while we just sit here and indulge in our own bubble of SELF (self-glorification/selfishness/self-esteem/self-worry/self-idolatry). For just one day, one hour, can we not think about ourselves and just think about others and God?

I want to post the pictures here on this blog, but that would just end up getting the blog banned.

Here are some pictures linked elsewhere