Urbana 2012

It seems this post has been long overdue, but I wanted to let the experiences and feelings sit for a bit. Given that I just watched Ram's message a few days ago, completing my Urbana experience (I missed it because I wanted to have a farewell lunch with some of my close friends, one whom was going back to Hong Kong indefinitely), I can finally disclose my thoughts.

I was really afraid of going to Urbana. Given I never shared my Urbana 2009 experience, I will elaborate a little now. I really enjoyed Urbana in 2009. I loved hanging out with everyone from the fellowship who went, as well as people from City Lights and other fellowships too. I enjoyed the singspiration and the felt that John 1-5 has never been explained so well to me before.It really was like becoming part of a wonderful tribe. But like all great things, it faded with time. All these things we said we would do and change when we got back to campus got lost as we re-sorted our lives to fit with the high intensity academic lifestyle of a top class private school. What faded the fastest though were the relationships that were made. Those bonding moments while singing together in a row among thousands of brothers and sisters, those late night moments in the hotel rooms where we shared and laughed and played cards, none of them seem to matter a year or three later. People change and are imperfect, but I felt like Urbana was a moment to remember. Right? I remember in 2009, I asked many second-timers how they felt about coming back and what was different. I was surprised to hear them say that the second time was underwhelming or did not meet their expectations. I was curious what made it so. I think it was just the first time there was a lot more fellowship and sharing with close friends. The next time they go, the people who they shared their Urbana with the first time are no longer there, and they become just another face in a sea of strangers. Alone. Unexcited. I feared that my second time would be like that and prepared for it, but no matter how much preparation I did, loneliness and guilt lingered in the corners of my heart. Still, God had already made plans in my life, and so I was going.

Even at during the planning stage God revealed his hand in guiding dyu and I to Urbana. Though we talked about it quite often between 2009-2012, I actually never thought he would come in the end, but when I asked him at the end of summer if he would go if I did, my best friend said he was all in. Sometime during November, we found out that dyu's job required him to stay during the last few days of the year, as accounting firms use that time to process all the financial information of their clients before the new year arrives. Therefore he would have to stay and I would be attending alone. At that point I asked God whether he still wanted me to go, and if I could still go and face my fears as well as grow among the 16,000 other brothers and sisters in Christ. With complete control of the situation, God led me to chat with dyu's fiancee, where I asked her if I should go or not. She honestly told me she didn't remember much of her experience there in 2006, but after pausing for a moment she told me what was lingering in her heart, "...still, I remember it was the closest I felt to heaven." After she uttered those words I realized that I didn't need company to go with me to enjoy the bountiful feast presented there, nor was conquering my fear or attending a well known conference the reason why I was going. I was going because I knew that was where God wanted me to be, for He will be there. Not to be outdone by Himself, God revealed a miracle to dyu and me. Just weeks (or days) before Urbana, dyu broke the news to me that his company did a complete procedure overhaul and all his work scheduled during the final days of the year was moved to next January. I am pretty sure a move like this is very rare for companies, especially during a rush period like end-of-the-year work. Only through divine intervention could something that was "impossible" be made into a "for sure."

One thing that stood out a lot this time was lunch. This year they did not do the frugal meal experience, where we were given the average amount of food that people eat daily in 3rd world countries. We also only get half a bottle of water to share among 8 or so people at the table. I guess this year they switched that with the care kits to Swaziland. Another difference was how they streamlined the lining up process based upon hotels. Thus at almost every meal, I would end up sitting with a table of Canadians, mostly Asians from Toronto. I thought that was kind of interesting, but I learned that there are probably more Asians in Canada than in the US, and there are more Cantonese speakers than Mandarin speakers at least in Toronto. 

I was pretty happy inside that the ACFers would let me join in their small group after handing out chocolate to them (I like to feed people and make them fat). I somehow ended up in Kakes group almost completely composed of new faces. At first, Kakes was a little nervous and was unsure how to engage his group, and so I quickly jumped in to save him. In a brave moment I asked the group to share their thoughts and most memorable experience and speaker that had so far and broke to them a little bit of my experience and how it was from 2009, as well as how Callisto Odede's message on how we create an image of Jesus that is constrained and benefits our own views. By that point Kakes took charge and spoke about how he had a lot of doubts during the first few messages, but had grown stronger and opened his heart more to listen to God's whispers. He spoke how his take-home point was Ram's teaching on our relationship with God and how our pride and shame both widen the distance between us and our Father. For that brief moment while I was speaking, it felt like I was teleported back in time to when I still served in ACF, as if God was reminding me that this was once who I was, and that I can still be in the future. I am not going to lie, it felt really good that moment, and I believe I felt a padlock thump the ground as a chain around my heart broke

"Being in proximity to God isn't the same as being intimate with God." I have always worried about this. Am I, someone who loves reading theological and spiritual literature, just a person who is trying to orbit and stand next to God (like a stalker), or am I a person who truly seeks to form an intimate relationship with Him? Am I a fan or am I a follower? Till this day I still struggle with the feeling that I act like a Super Christian and yet am a huge hypocrite myself, or I am too quiet (like during men's group) because I do not have the confident to advise others on their spiritual lives. I feel like this weakness is hindering my ability to be accountable, as well as undermining the trust I should place in God to use broken and useless me.

In the end, I didn't I accomplished my desire to meet new people, especially from other places. Though I made a small effort, to be honest it was dyu who shined in reaching out to strangers, keeping communication with them and spending time to listen to their stories. I probably looked like the anti-social one to them. I think that revealed my weaknesses a lot and I wish to grow stronger and be more outgoing and caring for the people I meet. Got to keep the love debt going right? At least I didn't succumb to any feelings of loneliness and guilt. Sure they were always there, huddled next to each other in my consciousness, but the sheer force of prayer by thousands pushed those away for me. I thank everyone for that. I got my second taste of heaven, and I hope this time I will not forget the commitment to reach out to the people God loves, which is everyone. I made new friendships, heard powerful messages, and embraced the Word like I have nothing to lose. As for the relationships that should have lasted, I will leave them up to God.

-Highlights-

Seeing the growth of many of the ACFers that I used to hang out with was a real blessing. I saw true leadership in Kevin 3.0, once the newbie freshmen that stayed in my room for Urbana 2009 now turned leader, where he was able to gather his fellowship members and help them grow and mature in the convention halls. I laughed out loud when someone tagged him in my photo of the group circle and commented, "PREACH IT KEVIN L!" And he did. Very well too. It was also a pleasure to see how much Kakes grew too. I would never have thought I would see someone as reserved as him leading a small group of men, but so was the case. I am glad that there are wonderful mentors guiding the guys in ACF. It was also fun meeting all the new members too, drawing in their excitement of seeing such a large congregation of Christians together (especially a lot of asians) and listening to their testimonies and what they will do once they make it back to campus several miles west of here. I am so thankful to meet Alvin and remembering me from Urbana, and including me in the effort of supporting the ACF missions team into Taiwan. God is using everyone to the fullest, and their hearts reply with joy.

I was amazed by the duet testimony shared by Christopher and Angela Yuan. Of course I've heard Christopher's testimony on Youtube but hearing it in person was still mind blowing. Actually Angela talked more during the session, and you can hear the love she had for her son, and the trust she had in the Lord. The mastery of God's influence over Christopher's life cannot be ignored, nor the power of the prayer of a mother fighting for her son's heart.

I enjoy poking fun at dyu and his fiancee about how they have become a statistic (every Urbana, the main speaker tells the conference attendees that 3 out of 4 people marry someone who has attended an Urbana conference before). I hope that by the time the next one rolls around, I will be able to volunteer with the person I wish to be with till the end of my life.

I would like to shout out to Paul for letting dyu and me to stay at his apartment. My room was a bit cold until I opened the door at night, and there were wild mice running amok, but it was free and a lot of fun, and I got to enjoy time with some Washu and Chi-town folk, who all seemed to know each other.

Writing this post at 4am in the morning felt so good. It felt like I was a bottle under pressure and tonight God allowed it to be released. Tonight another chain around my heart was lifted.

You can read my Urbana notes here.




One day, hopefully 2015, I will come back and volunteer with my beloved. One day. It is a promise.

The Dialogues with Atheists

http://m.theatlantic.com/national/archive/2013/06/listening-to-young-atheists-lessons-for-a-stronger-christianity/276584/

 When I read this article, I almost cried. Because the president of LOFT (League of Free Thinkers) of Washu also had the similar childhood as Phil did. Because I had a similar experience when I was in high school. Because the American christian culture desires a mild social experience instead of a radical changing one.

I still remember when my roommate founded the student group The Forum, where members of the various christian fellowships at Washu would get together with atheists and we would discuss our own viewpoints on sex, morals, culture, and truth. Since my friend would lead, I would usually take the backseat and pay a lot of attention on listening to the sides, but more so the tone and curtness of the dialogue. I wanted to see if there was respect and understanding being made here at those meetings. I remember the times where my friend would come to me after a meeting and just be like, "man, I really feel like they are just trying to piss me off, the way they act all high and mighty and try to back me into a corner with their fancy philosophical mind games." It is true, sometimes it felt like that. But in the end, both my friend and I realized that by becoming friends with these people and truly listening to their stories, we began to understand them and develop a friendship. There was one memorable tuesday evening that I will never forget. We all met up and sat down, and someone new was in our midst. As the discussions continued, he started ferociously arguing that God was the absolute truth and that's all he needed, and that all the atheists were wrong. It got to be pretty bad, with the atheists throwing one alternative universe theory after another at him, and instead of answering wisely, he got worked up and started yelling at everyone that he was right and he knew it because he felt it was right. At some point I know I agree with him, but at the same time I really wanted him to shut up because getting all worked up was not helping our side look reasonable nor bringing understanding and respect to the table. His feelings that night are actually very similar to the majority of Christians. Christians are so quick to say they know they are right because they feel its right. But sex before marriage feels right (and good). Muslims, Buddhists, and Hinduists can all argue that their religion is correct because deep down in their souls it feels right. One's faith must be founded with reasoning and logic, and must be defended with a lifestyle that matches the standards of the Bible. Like what the author mentions, we have to sincerely believe. I myself have watched Christopher Hitchens and an indian Christian debate once live on Washu campus. It was very bloody. There was no respect in their tones, and all they did was polarize the crowd to the point that everyone was riled up and a bloodbath was starting to simmer. In no way was that a productive event. I enjoyed the other debates held by the Veritas Forum (which I helped set up), where peaceful dialogue took place and at over some points the two speakers actually agreed with each other.

To be honest, from what I've seen from these dialogues, there is no way a Christian can prove an atheist wrong, or vice versa. But if we knew about their past and were in a position where we can care for them, then there will be a hope that their hearts can start to open up, and God will work his miracles.

I just realized that I've had this blog for 4 years! I guess that requires some celebration! Time for moar pictures!!!

1993

2011

Yes the boy sitting is me.

Re-living the Childhood Dream

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. - C.S. Lewis 

 So if you are a kid growing up in China, Taiwan, Japan, Malaysia, Singapore, Italy, Portugal, or Spain during the 1990's, you probably dreamt of building and owning one of these at some point in your life: 

 Yup. Mine. Now if I only had cars that weren't 14 years old, been through several typhoons and floods, and imported from Taiwan, they would be able to make it over that loop. This is going to be an everlasting summer. (I tried real hard to make this post grammatically correct. Grammar-nazis)

Devo Post #3

Ecclesiastes 2:4-11
I undertook great projects: I built houses for myself and planted vineyards. 5 I made gardens and parks and planted all kinds of fruit trees in them. 6 I made reservoirs to water groves of flourishing trees. 7 I bought male and female slaves and had other slaves who were born in my house. I also owned more herds and flocks than anyone in Jerusalem before me. 8 I amassed silver and gold for myself, and the treasure of kings and provinces. I acquired male and female singers, and a harem[a] as well—the delights of a man’s heart. 9 I became greater by far than anyone in Jerusalem before me. In all this my wisdom stayed with me.
I denied myself nothing my eyes desired;
   I refused my heart no pleasure.
My heart took delight in all my labor,
   and this was the reward for all my toil.
11 Yet when I surveyed all that my hands had done
   and what I had toiled to achieve,
everything was meaningless, a chasing after the wind;
   nothing was gained under the sun.

Solomon, possibly the richest man to ever live with an estimated net worth of 200 billion US dollars. He had the largest influence in his time, with vast amounts of prosperity and wealth. He was the person God chose to be the wisest in existence, and yet you read here that he proclaims everything in his life to be meaningless, even his wisdom. There seems to be a lesson to be learned here. Though it is commonly said in the New Testament to not pursue worldly dreams and goals, which includes sex, career, money, fame, and even knowledge or wisdom, Solomon’s life is the best concrete example the Bible gives to us of what happens to a life when you chase after such things. I personally don’t think wisdom is a bad thing, or else Proverbs would be useless to read, and even though in the next passage Solomon basically equates wisdom and folly as similarly meaningless, what he is trying to show that in his entire life, he went after other things that took away his heart from the most important thing in his life. And he did this while having the wisest mind. Basically he’s saying that though he had a wonderful gift God gave him to use, and he squandered it, along with the rest of his life, and only at the end of his life (presumably) he looks back and realizes he should have been more humble and more devoted to God. You don’t see it said in the scripture that Solomon was a man after God’s own heart, like his father David. That goes to show that the title of being the wisest, wealthiest, and most powerful man on earth is worth nothing if you do not have God.

Now we have outlined the meaning behind this passage, we should look at the applications to our lives. The Bible is usually blunt and harsh in its attacks against living a life of sin and of the world. There are many Christians who still live such a life and stubbornly defend their lifestyles of pursuing a high end career. I saw this in college a lot. I am not saying that God wouldn’t want someone to be successful and have a good paying job like being a doctor, but if their pursuit in their studies directly conflicts with their spiritual growth and/or hinders the growth of the community they are in, then there is definitely something wrong. Yet, there seems to be a relaxed mindset within the college christian community that it is okay to put God second or third or even last if their life trying to be the best and most skilled student they can be. They just don’t realize that the reason they are at college, or wherever they are, they are there because God needs them to promote His kingdom there, and not to waste their time and energy on other less important responsibilities.

I myself have fallen into this sinful trap too. I worried about grades. I worry now about not getting into graduate schools, or finding enough money to pay. I worry I am not smart enough at work to the point that I start believing all the belittling and false accusations of being useless. I forget that I have a role to play in community, and instead waste my time playing catan or dota or just sit around doing nothing. I forget to pray, write my devotions, meditate on the word, and keep my friends accountable. I try to pursue a life like Solomons, when I should really be pursuing a life like David. I need more faith and I need to set my priorities right. But it is so very hard to not want to dream big, and have it all. 

"I will not boast in anything

No gifts, no power, no wisdom

But I will boast in Jesus Christ

His death and resurrection"

...

Pure coincidence that I read this in Tim Keller's book The Reason for a God right after: "...the path of wisdom was to learn to live in conformity with this unyielding reality. That wisdom rested largely in developing qualities of character, such as humility, compassion, courage, discretion, and loyalty. Modernity reversed this. Ultimate reality was seen not so much as a supernatural order but as the natural world, and that was malleable. Instead of trying to shape our desires to fit reality, we now seek to control and shape reality to fit our desires. The ancients looked at an anxious person and prescribed spiritual character change. Modernity talks instead about stress-management techniques."

I am sure I do not need to go into how a lot of us use the Bible to fit our own reality, and not vice versa. Same with our boy Solomon.

Thought

"Everyone longs to give him/herself completely to someone, to have a deep and committed soul relationship with another, to be loved thoroughly and unconditionally. But God says "no not until you are satisfied, fulfilled and content with being loved by me above, with giving yourself totally, unreservedly to me alone. I will love you my child, and until you discover that only in me is your satisfaction to be found you will not be capable of the perfect human relationship that I have planned for you. You will never be united with another until you are united with me exclusively of anyone or anything else; exclusively of any other desires or belongings, I want you to stop planning, stop wishing and allow me to give you the most thrilling plan existing- one that you cannot imagine- I want you to have the very best. Please allow me to bring it to you. Just keep your eyes on me expecting the greatest things. Keep experiencing the satisfaction knowing that I am. Keeping learning and listening to the things I tell you. You must be patient, don't be anxious. Don't worry. Don't look around at the things others have. Don't look at the things you think you want. Just keep looking to me, or you will miss what I want to give you. And then, when you are ready I will surprise you with a love far more wonderful than you can ever dream. You'll see until you are ready, and until the one I have for you is ready (I am working this very minute to have both of you ready at the same time), when you are both satisfied exclusively with me and live life I have prepared for you. You won't be able to experience the love that exemplifies the relationship with me... and this is perfect love."


I guess I will use this as part of my devotions from Ephesians 3:20-21, though this draws upon many verses throughout the bible. To think that God can do more work than ten thousand talented and diligent people, and create worlds more vivid than my uncontrollable imagination can conceive. And one of them would just happen to be a relationship with another important person.


I have realized I have hit the point in my life where those around me are consistently thinking about serious relationships and commitment (I see engagement, marriage, and even babies weekly in my Facebook news feed now), and many prayers sounded off in my prayer groups and church meetings are on this topic. I don't know how many times I've shared this quote, but many times I have to come back to it and use it as a summary of scripture to refocus myself to God. Yes, I want to pursue a relationship where all I want is to help her grow closer to Him. To quote Big Fish's female companion, "maybe even more precious is the man who seeks not only to protect or to cherish (or even to hold) but also to encourage that heart to grow in the only way that really matters--into the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit." (I hope you don't blush at your own posts too, just your boyfriend's). I wholeheartedly agree with you and hope the sisters in Christ around the world believe the same too. Statistically a christian woman is more likely to pursue an non-spiritual relationship than a christian man, and more likely to value traits like looks, success, and humor above spiritual maturity than guys. I guess its my blog, so I can just put it out there that a guy after God's own heart is all you need to seek in a potential lifelong companion. Trust and care are the foundation to a stable relationship, not feelings or emotions (yes it is possible to deep brain stimulate a human and cause them to fall in love with a lemon, though unethical and should never be done >_>).


I will remember daily that God is in control of my destiny. I will become a man after God's own heart.

Devo Post #2

Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
Two are better than one,
   because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down,
   one can help the other up.
But pity anyone who falls
   and has no one to help them up.
11 Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm.
   But how can one keep warm alone?
12 Though one may be overpowered,
   two can defend themselves.
A cord of three strands is not quickly broken.

Today I listened to Pastor Darrin’s sermon on community. He chose this verse from the book of Ecclesiastes, known as the book of wisdom. The message here is very simple: do not go through life alone. Throughout most of Ecclesiastes, the author King Solomon emphasizes all the “meaningless”things in life. His overarching theme is life apart from God is meaningless. Pastor Darrin draws the notion that you cannot worship the creator or enjoy the life He has given you without having people supporting you, encouraging you, and challenging you. Sounds like Tim Keller right there (probably a source).

Now to elaborate his point, Pastor Darrin goes into the definition of a friend. What is a friend? We have enemies. We also have fans. But we rarely have friends. A friend is someone who will “believe the best about us, and wade through the worst with us.” Basically, someone you trust to be there for you through the good and bad. Sounds like a wedding vow to me...hopefully everyone’s spouse is their best friendl. But everyone needs friends, and for a Christian, spiritual friends that perform functions in our lives are absolutely necessary. When the time comes when you are in a lot of pain, you need people to come and assure you that God is still in control, that God is still good, and to answer the questions that are sure to be mounting in your mind. During those times of confusion and frustration, you need people to discern the situation for you and help reveal the sin in you that is preventing community. Everyone needs someone to share their hopes, their dreams, and their fears with. That is true friendship.

To me, my relationships and friendships are God’s sign to me that he has rewarded me and answered my prayers. I know He is watching over me and showering me with his love. I am grateful everyday that God has blessed me with many great friends who I trust and have fellowship, and will always be grateful.

Christ, who said to the disciples “Ye have not chosen me, but I have chosen you,” can truly say to every group of Christian friends “You have not chosen one another but I have chosen you for one another” The Friendship is not a reward for our discrimination and good taste in finding one another out. It is the instrument by which God reveals to each the beauties of all the others. They are no greater than the beauties of a thousand other men; by Friendship God opens our eyes to them. They are, like all beauties, derived from Him, and then, in a good Friendship, increased by Him through the Friendship itself, so that it is His instrument for creating as well as for revealing. At this feast it is He who has spread the board and it is He who has chosen the guests. It is He, we may dare to hope, who sometimes does, and always should, preside. Let us not reckon without our Host. - C.S. Lewis

Devo Post #1

Jeremiah 29:11
“11 For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.“

There is not that goes by where I do not wonder what my future is going to be. I spend lots of time wondering about it actually. One of my deepest fears is loneliness, so I am always wondering wherever I end up, will there be people that well like me, hang out with me, and be there for me? Today I read a book, and a quote from it says, “When we are children we seldom think of the future/ This innocence leaves us free to enjoy ourselves as few adults can/ The day we fret about the future is the day we leave our childhood behind.” Sometimes I still want to feel like a child. Like I always say, “have the mind of an adult, but the heart of a child.” Yet sometimes I wish for a mind of a child too, and a lot of times my heart grows to be that of an adult: calculating, cold, and distrustful. That kind of heart is the leading cause to the distrust of the Lord. Like yesterday’s devotion, it is very hard for the average person to trust that there is someone out there that is willing to die freely and give us a gift so precious such as salvation and free love. As adults, we learn such a thing cannot exist, but we secretly long for it to exist. That is the biggest pushing point to Christianity: the promise of such a love pushes people towards Jesus, yet also pushes people away since they cannot believe in the impossible.

How hard is it to believe that someone out there holds the plans to “prosper” you, will not “harm” you, will give you “hope”, and a “future”? Even for me, as a Christian, it is very hard. Why? Because as hard as I try not to, I still develop expectations from God. Expectations that God will lead me down a path so seemingly perfectly arranged by His Truly, from my perspective. I set up expectations that God will answer all my prayers the way I want them to be answered. But I guess God is a funny God, and definitely an all-knowing one. Still, as a puny and wishful person, I still long for my hopes and dreams to come true, especially when they seem pretty aligned with the kinds of dreams God would want his children to have. I don’t know, but I guess all I can do is believe, hope, and see.

When there is still a glimmer of hope, reach for it!

"Up to a certain point it is good for us to know that there are people in the world who will give us love and unquestioned loyalty to the limit of their ability. I doubt, however, if it is good for us to feel assured of this without the accompanying obligation of having to justify this devotion by our behavior" - Eleanor Roosevelt

A friend once told me that once he felt lonely and wondered why no one ever called him or asked him to hang out. It turns out, those people were expecting the same thing from him. If no one ever reaches out to anyone or takes the initiative, who will know they are loved? Needless to say, it always takes two to build a relationship.


"I have given them the glory that you gave me, that they may be one as we are one" - Jesus


I am glad He took the initiative with me, and also with the church.

source jonathan wong

"From this never changing days, I wanted to escape, so I stepped out on my own.
If I spread this map in my hands, I thought I could struggle to somewhere
But I just become vexed, and unable to progress
I became unable to see my steps, and stumbled on the asphalt, rolling
I look up at the sky with my eyes closed
I was hurt by the everyone's empty smiles

Always when I look back, there's a never-changing place
So I can overcome whatever adversity and unease
And I'll be able to step out into the never-ending unknown road

But I misunderstood, I thought I became strong alone
I realised my own weakness and got confused but light shone and I saw everyone's faces
Since there's a voice that pushes me, for sure I have now passed through
Finally when I understood and broke my shell apart, feelings of gratitude sprout

Always I rush and do it my way
Selfishly, unreasonably and stubbornly
The wall I want to overcome, the wings to fly over, for the strength I desired
I stand up and move forward, no matter how many times I fall
'Cause everyone should have a place to return to
A bond that can be relied on always
Hands in the air let out a yell and stick your chest out

Always when I look back, there's a never-changing place
So I can overcome whatever adversity and unease
And I'll be able to step out into the never-ending unknown road

On the never-ending journey, I stopped
The wounded irreplaceable things
The flame in my heart bursts forth
I probably could go anywhere and everywhere
The power to protect people, someday I'll have

Always when I look back, there's a never-changing place
So I can overcome whatever adversity and unease
And I'll be able to step out into the never-ending unknown road"