I was really afraid of going to Urbana. Given I never shared my Urbana 2009 experience, I will elaborate a little now. I really enjoyed Urbana in 2009. I loved hanging out with everyone from the fellowship who went, as well as people from City Lights and other fellowships too. I enjoyed the singspiration and the felt that John 1-5 has never been explained so well to me before.It really was like becoming part of a wonderful tribe. But like all great things, it faded with time. All these things we said we would do and change when we got back to campus got lost as we re-sorted our lives to fit with the high intensity academic lifestyle of a top class private school. What faded the fastest though were the relationships that were made. Those bonding moments while singing together in a row among thousands of brothers and sisters, those late night moments in the hotel rooms where we shared and laughed and played cards, none of them seem to matter a year or three later. People change and are imperfect, but I felt like Urbana was a moment to remember. Right? I remember in 2009, I asked many second-timers how they felt about coming back and what was different. I was surprised to hear them say that the second time was underwhelming or did not meet their expectations. I was curious what made it so. I think it was just the first time there was a lot more fellowship and sharing with close friends. The next time they go, the people who they shared their Urbana with the first time are no longer there, and they become just another face in a sea of strangers. Alone. Unexcited. I feared that my second time would be like that and prepared for it, but no matter how much preparation I did, loneliness and guilt lingered in the corners of my heart. Still, God had already made plans in my life, and so I was going.
Even at during the planning stage God revealed his hand in guiding dyu and I to Urbana. Though we talked about it quite often between 2009-2012, I actually never thought he would come in the end, but when I asked him at the end of summer if he would go if I did, my best friend said he was all in. Sometime during November, we found out that dyu's job required him to stay during the last few days of the year, as accounting firms use that time to process all the financial information of their clients before the new year arrives. Therefore he would have to stay and I would be attending alone. At that point I asked God whether he still wanted me to go, and if I could still go and face my fears as well as grow among the 16,000 other brothers and sisters in Christ. With complete control of the situation, God led me to chat with dyu's fiancee, where I asked her if I should go or not. She honestly told me she didn't remember much of her experience there in 2006, but after pausing for a moment she told me what was lingering in her heart, "...still, I remember it was the closest I felt to heaven." After she uttered those words I realized that I didn't need company to go with me to enjoy the bountiful feast presented there, nor was conquering my fear or attending a well known conference the reason why I was going. I was going because I knew that was where God wanted me to be, for He will be there. Not to be outdone by Himself, God revealed a miracle to dyu and me. Just weeks (or days) before Urbana, dyu broke the news to me that his company did a complete procedure overhaul and all his work scheduled during the final days of the year was moved to next January. I am pretty sure a move like this is very rare for companies, especially during a rush period like end-of-the-year work. Only through divine intervention could something that was "impossible" be made into a "for sure."
One thing that stood out a lot this time was lunch. This year they did not do the frugal meal experience, where we were given the average amount of food that people eat daily in 3rd world countries. We also only get half a bottle of water to share among 8 or so people at the table. I guess this year they switched that with the care kits to Swaziland. Another difference was how they streamlined the lining up process based upon hotels. Thus at almost every meal, I would end up sitting with a table of Canadians, mostly Asians from Toronto. I thought that was kind of interesting, but I learned that there are probably more Asians in Canada than in the US, and there are more Cantonese speakers than Mandarin speakers at least in Toronto.
I was pretty happy inside that the ACFers would let me join in their small group after handing out chocolate to them (I like to feed people and make them fat). I somehow ended up in Kakes group almost completely composed of new faces. At first, Kakes was a little nervous and was unsure how to engage his group, and so I quickly jumped in to save him. In a brave moment I asked the group to share their thoughts and most memorable experience and speaker that had so far and broke to them a little bit of my experience and how it was from 2009, as well as how Callisto Odede's message on how we create an image of Jesus that is constrained and benefits our own views. By that point Kakes took charge and spoke about how he had a lot of doubts during the first few messages, but had grown stronger and opened his heart more to listen to God's whispers. He spoke how his take-home point was Ram's teaching on our relationship with God and how our pride and shame both widen the distance between us and our Father. For that brief moment while I was speaking, it felt like I was teleported back in time to when I still served in ACF, as if God was reminding me that this was once who I was, and that I can still be in the future. I am not going to lie, it felt really good that moment, and I believe I felt a padlock thump the ground as a chain around my heart broke
"Being in proximity to God isn't the same as being intimate with God." I have always worried about this. Am I, someone who loves reading theological and spiritual literature, just a person who is trying to orbit and stand next to God (like a stalker), or am I a person who truly seeks to form an intimate relationship with Him? Am I a fan or am I a follower? Till this day I still struggle with the feeling that I act like a Super Christian and yet am a huge hypocrite myself, or I am too quiet (like during men's group) because I do not have the confident to advise others on their spiritual lives. I feel like this weakness is hindering my ability to be accountable, as well as undermining the trust I should place in God to use broken and useless me.
In the end, I didn't I accomplished my desire to meet new people, especially from other places. Though I made a small effort, to be honest it was dyu who shined in reaching out to strangers, keeping communication with them and spending time to listen to their stories. I probably looked like the anti-social one to them. I think that revealed my weaknesses a lot and I wish to grow stronger and be more outgoing and caring for the people I meet. Got to keep the love debt going right? At least I didn't succumb to any feelings of loneliness and guilt. Sure they were always there, huddled next to each other in my consciousness, but the sheer force of prayer by thousands pushed those away for me. I thank everyone for that. I got my second taste of heaven, and I hope this time I will not forget the commitment to reach out to the people God loves, which is everyone. I made new friendships, heard powerful messages, and embraced the Word like I have nothing to lose. As for the relationships that should have lasted, I will leave them up to God.
-Highlights-
Seeing the growth of many of the ACFers that I used to hang out with was a real blessing. I saw true leadership in Kevin 3.0, once the newbie freshmen that stayed in my room for Urbana 2009 now turned leader, where he was able to gather his fellowship members and help them grow and mature in the convention halls. I laughed out loud when someone tagged him in my photo of the group circle and commented, "PREACH IT KEVIN L!" And he did. Very well too. It was also a pleasure to see how much Kakes grew too. I would never have thought I would see someone as reserved as him leading a small group of men, but so was the case. I am glad that there are wonderful mentors guiding the guys in ACF. It was also fun meeting all the new members too, drawing in their excitement of seeing such a large congregation of Christians together (especially a lot of asians) and listening to their testimonies and what they will do once they make it back to campus several miles west of here. I am so thankful to meet Alvin and remembering me from Urbana, and including me in the effort of supporting the ACF missions team into Taiwan. God is using everyone to the fullest, and their hearts reply with joy.
I was amazed by the duet testimony shared by Christopher and Angela Yuan. Of course I've heard Christopher's testimony on Youtube but hearing it in person was still mind blowing. Actually Angela talked more during the session, and you can hear the love she had for her son, and the trust she had in the Lord. The mastery of God's influence over Christopher's life cannot be ignored, nor the power of the prayer of a mother fighting for her son's heart.
I enjoy poking fun at dyu and his fiancee about how they have become a statistic (every Urbana, the main speaker tells the conference attendees that 3 out of 4 people marry someone who has attended an Urbana conference before). I hope that by the time the next one rolls around, I will be able to volunteer with the person I wish to be with till the end of my life.
I would like to shout out to Paul for letting dyu and me to stay at his apartment. My room was a bit cold until I opened the door at night, and there were wild mice running amok, but it was free and a lot of fun, and I got to enjoy time with some Washu and Chi-town folk, who all seemed to know each other.
Writing this post at 4am in the morning felt so good. It felt like I was a bottle under pressure and tonight God allowed it to be released. Tonight another chain around my heart was lifted.
You can read my Urbana notes here.
One day, hopefully 2015, I will come back and volunteer with my beloved. One day. It is a promise.
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