I realize I have a tendency to start posting here either when things get rough or when I have massive growth in spiritual maturity. Right now, in this season, it hasn't been this rough since I was suffering through PhD and fellowship problems in Chicago.

I know that there are posts here made out of pride and arrogance. There are also posts out of fear of man. But there are also posts here that are raw and deep about my encounters with God through the Word and through theological breakthroughs. God's sovereignty over my life. The Holy Spirit's involvement in my daily life and my sanctification. The urgency of missions in the nations. The need to sit at the foot of the Cross daily and recognize my own depravity and weakness. Plus no one reads this blog anymore except Russian bots and the occasional underground church from the Middle East.

I remember in 2013 I spent 3-4 months learning about biblical marriage, biblical singleness, and by extrapolation, biblical dating. Everyday I watched at least one sermon on the topic, and read any christian books or articles I could could get my hands on. I think at the end I realized the idol and obsession I've made out of this, and thus stopped, and instead focused on remembering my first love, Christ, and shaping myself to be a man worthy of a godly woman by living out the Gospel. 9 years later...I still don't think I'm there yet, though I have tried to "maximize my singleness" to the greatest possible extent I knew how, and allowed God to break and humble me as much as He can. I am still a sinful man, and in some ways my temptations and addictions only grew, but my understanding of the song line from Unashamed, "in my brokenness complete," has grown too.

So I will leave two paragraphs to keep reminding me about marriage and missions, and always remember from Scripture "For man sees the outward appearance, but the LORD sees the heart" and “Sing, barren woman, you who never bore a child; burst into song, shout for joy, you who were never in labor; because more are the children of the desolate woman than of her who has a husband,” says the LORD."

 https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/christ-levels-the-dating-field

Yet, it should be refreshing. This reality means that men pursuing righteousness who are not culturally considered “hot” should not feel out of place asking a woman out simply because she’s considered more physically attractive than he is. By the same token, women should not expect to be overlooked simply because of our appearance. Godly men and women are not valued as potential spouses solely for their rank on some physical attractiveness scale. Have you ever noticed that Solomon never mentions physical beauty in his description of the Proverbs 31 woman? That’s because godliness is enough to attract godliness.

 https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/marriage-is-not-the-mission

When you are on mission, a partner who is also on mission becomes more attractive. Beauty and charm, finances and athletic prowess all become more and more irrelevant as you embark on mission. Whether your wife was prom queen will not matter when you’re heartbroken over one of your brothers walking away from the Lord. Whether your husband can throw a football sixty yards will be inconsequential when you need him to sit down and graciously discipline your children. 

Dating becomes a feeder for mission, an enlisting of another for cavalry to charge the gates of hell beside you. Look for someone ferocious for the things of the Lord. 

Part of the reason we have created a culture of noncommittal Christianity that avoids suffering is that we don’t treasure Him enough. We want Jesus, but there are limits to what we will sacrifice for Him. We want Him, but there are lots of things we want in life. The good news is placed on par with or even below other forms of “good news.” “I’m getting married!” “I’m having a child!” “The Giants won the World Series!” “God became flesh, was crucified for our sins, rose from the grave, and is returning to judge the world!” Other kinds of good news stir more emotion than the gospel. Think how insulting that kind of attitude must be to God! – Letters to the Church

When a friend of mine came back from visiting a church in Iraq, I asked him what the biggest difference was between our church and the church in Iraq. He said, “What we call sanctification, they call prerequisite.” In other words, we act as though surrender is a lifelong process where we slowly decide whether or not we will give up certain things to God. Meanwhile, the believers in Iraq teach the way Jesus taught. They are required to count the cost, surrendering everything up front; otherwise they cannot join the Church. – Letters to the Church

Christians have only two options when it comes to forming relationships: either remain comfortably distant from the struggles and sinfulness in one another or open a can of worms. When the first option is selected, church life goes on as usual: warm, polite, enjoyable, orthodox, occasionally disrupted by someone's terrible sin, but generally irrelevant to central parts of people's lives. When the second option is chosen, the group may at times seem more disruptive than helpful. Some members will become dejected wondering whatever happened to encouragement. Others will be offended and change churches. But the worms of self-protection and demandingness are let out of the can, when people get to know each other's hurts and disappointments, when issues that really matter are actually talked about, there is the potential for life-changing fellowship." – Larry Crabb

“The power of prayer rests in the faith that God hears it. The moment I am assured that God hears, I feel drawn to pray and to persevere in prayer. – Andrew Murray

“At last I understood: in the final analysis, forgiveness is an act of faith. By forgiving another, I am trusting that God is a better justice-maker than I am. By forgiving, I release my own right to get even and leave all issues of fairness for God to work out. I leave in God’s hands the scales that must balance justice and mercy. - Philip Yancey, The Scandal of Forgiveness: Grace Put to the Test

"Why sayest thou, O Jacob, and speakest, O Israel, My way is hid from the Lord and my judgment is passed away from my God" (Is 40:27 RV). This question rebukes wrong thoughts about ourselves. God has not abandoned us any more than he abandoned Job. He never abandons anyone on whom he has set his love; nor does Christ, the good shepherd, ever lose track of his sheep. It is as false as it is irreverent to accuse God of forgetting or overlooking, or losing interest in, the state and needs of his own people. If you have been resigning yourself to the thought that God has left you high and dry, seek grace to be ashamed of yourself. Such unbelieving pessimism deeply dishonors our great God and Savior - J.I. Packer, Knowing God