Note: This is a very casual and impromptu post.

So last night I had a very vivid dream, and I usually don’t post about dreams because no matter how memorable the dream is for me, I always seem to forget it eventually (even over the time course of the same day). But this one hit a nerve.

Actually, I had two dreams I remember clearly. In the first dream, my friends (and family I believe) and I were in this VR world where we were splitting up to do prayer and sharing. I got paired up with D. Y. (big fish) and we were walking around the VR neighborhood to find a place to share. We couldn’t find a location but for some reason I had the clicker that let me create new buildings, so I made this fancy modern retreat building pop out of nowhere…and I already forgot all the rest.

The second dream was the one I woke up to, and was the one that stood out to me more. In the dream I was back in high school, similar to Park Hill South with the blueish walls and large windows facing inwards. My teacher was Penny (from Big Bang Theory, I don’t know why I don’t really watch the show), and from the looks of the dream we have a very cordial relationship. During one of the classes, I made some kind of crass joke about husband and wives, and apparently it offended Penny very much, to the point that she started becoming very passive-aggressive towards me. I would raise my hand to ask a question and she would deliberately not pick on me, and once I was the last hand raised she said, “what do you want Daniel!” I remember asking two questions, one of them about salts and solvent nomenclature (wow…), and she retorted that those were stupid questions and didn’t answer them. At that point I remember feeling very hurt, and during mid-class break I went up to Penny and told her to mark me absent because I was leaving. I can’t remember how the conversation went, but eventually Penny said, “do you know why I am upset at you? It was because you made that joke earlier and it was really offensive to me.” I ask why she felt so offended because though it was crass, it was also funny and relevant and smart joke, and other people make those kinds of jokes all the time. She looked at me and said it was because I made the joke, and she never expected someone like me to make the kind of joke. In a way I destroyed her hope that someone can still be kind and pure. While she was closing her office (she had a bed in the office too and was proceeding to sleep…what happened to class part 2), I yelled back to her that no one is perfect, everyone can make mistakes, and she cannot place on me all her impossible expectations.

I woke up at 10:14AM right after the door closed, and got up and thought, “whoa, déjà vu.” I remember a situation in college which was vaguely similar. The situation involved an inside joke I will call the “ice pillar” joke. So I, feeling lonely and fringe in the fellowship though I devoted all my time serving it, wanted to be in on the joke and so I started participating In it too. But similarly to above, the person got so offended by me that she eventually confronted me and called me out for being hurtful. I didn’t understand why, but quickly realized that there were different expectations placed on me that other guys did not have. I was considered serious and uptight, and so when I tried to joke around, people misunderstood me and took me too seriously, and people ended up holding grudges against me that I didn’t even know about. I also remember another incident where L. W. called out those guys who came up with the “ice pillar” joke hypocrites who were demeaning to women, and they didn’t hold up the standards of being Christian. Because of these two events, I have really shut down any attempt to make those kinds of jokes again, and in general treat women as respectfully as a can. I hope she has forgiven me, as well all other people I may have offended, even through misunderstandings. To be honest, maybe I was just too naïve and innocent and was properly taught manners as a kid that I ended up being this kind of person with these kinds of expectations. Maybe I was proud that I was such a good Christian in college, and went well beyond what was humanly possible to care and serve others, but that kid died on the night before graduation. Don't get me wrong, the me in college didn't really know the Gospel or Grace as much as I do now, but he definitely did more for the Kingdom, even if it was all with the wrong intentions or theology. The great irony is now every single one of those guys (and L) are married, and I still sit here without ever having dated and have watched many guys win over girls because of their ability to make uncouth jokes (along with their charm and good looks and talents).

Ah well…nothing I can do about that. I am at fault too, and I know that. But away from complaining and now towards addressing this issue of “purity of heart.” In Reformed circles, we have a tendency to put too much emphasis on Justification aka The Cross and too little emphasis on Sanctification. Of course Justification and the Gospel and Grace are of utmost important (I can still remember Dr. Calhoun of Covenant Seminary saying how Grace is the most beautiful word he’s ever heard), but Justification without Sanctification is just “faith without works,”, or Antinomianism. Interestingly enough, in Reformed Theology there is this phrase “we are justified by faith alone but not by a faith that is alone.” Instead we are so fearful of Legalism, or works-based salvation, that we downplay Sanctification so much it is almost non-existent in our teachings. I will be honest, in the 2 ½ years I’ve been at COTB, I haven’t heard a single message focused on Sanctification or even used the word Sanctification. We need both…a Sanctification that is produced by sitting at the foot of the Cross every single day. A Sanctification from having a relationship with the King of All Kings. A Sanctification that looks upon the Day of the Lord for our future Glorification. Ah I digress, and I also believe there is Grace for everyone who starts off at a worse place when they meet Christ. Everyone grows and matures at different speeds, and that should never be used against them. But shouldn’t we strive to be pure of heart? Why do we put down those who are pure of heart? Why do we also choose those who clearly struggle, and instead of encouraging them to be sanctified, we enable them to stagnate and “fall asleep?” Why can’t we both celebrate Sanctification while also stressing the need for Justification at the same time, and not one or the other?