Musings at 4am at night

I remember a conversation with one of my friends and alumni from Washu BME program. He said that only people who are weak and love wallowing in their weakness go to Christian fellowships (on campus). He pointed out that everyone there was very insecure, and meetings and such were basically pity parties. Those who graduated out of the fellowship end up still insecure, confused about life and what to do and where to go, and are generally less successful than those who refuse to end up in one of those fellowships. He pointed to the Christians who said they were Christian but opted to miss small group, large group, prayer meetings, and even church in exchange for studying and networking. Those are the successful ones.

To me this conversation really stuck out, even a year later. It is true. I was part of a really insecure and in some ways toxic fellowship. Everyone wanted to be taken care of, and there wasn’t enough juice to go around. Almost everyone in that fellowship are all kind of stuck today, while everyone who left the fellowship are all in more successful spots in life, at least by the world’s standards. 4 years later, I am still kind of stuck. Do I pursue something where I can be successful? Does this mean I am pursuing wordliness? Success in the eyes of man? When I look at the InterCP SMs (1-2 year missions into dangerous countries), or even people going on short term ones, I think to myself whether to admire them and join them, or to think they are stupid for throwing their lives away like that. Yes, when they go long-term like that, they end up coming back to the States with no money, no work experience, and for some no education (a lot of them quitting med school or even college in hope of pursuing God’s mission into the nations). From the traditional asian-american standard, that is stupid. But is it really stupid if I truly believe I am a Christian and believe God is sovereign and will take care of them? Maybe I may also be called to go? And what if I am called to go (barring all the conflicting theology surrounding missions), but am too afraid of dying or falling behind all my peers from Washu/KC/CMU? Is this considered loving the world, pursuing an “easier” life compared to other Christians, especially when I don’t feel a special calling to do PhD or go into biotech field?

Back to the fellowship. Yes, I do believe that brokenness brings people to God. Hurt people are more likely to seek God because the world have beaten into them that they are worthless. It is like the quote “God helps those who admit they can’t help themselves” (contrary to the un-biblical quote “God helps those who help themselves”). So yeah, I remember my time as a leader in ACF at Washu, many atheists who came into ACF were those seeking friendship, seeking help, seeking some kind of hope because their world was falling apart. But once they come in, they stay pitiful. I again would know because I also suffered intense depression in ACF, especially while trying to serve and take care of everyone under the constant pressure the BME workload entails. Those were not fun times. I almost lost sight of God, but whether or not you are an Armenian or a Calvinist, at least both can believe God does not let go when you fall away or am hurt so much. Again to quote, when I hit rock bottom, I hit the solid rock of God.

In my time at Washu, I saw more Christians leave the faith than those who accept it. To be honest, it can make almost anyone lose heart. The statistics that say 9 out of 10 Christians walk away from their childhood faith was unfolding right before my eyes. Again people will and have said that those never truly believed, and that may be true, it still really painful to see. Even now I am trying my best to be a good friend and hopefully a good witness to those I personally brought to faith, personally discipled, and eventually hurt/betrayed/let down because I was a failure as a leader. The whole lot of us, stuck in our sadness and hurt and insecurity and somehow never seem to gain confidence even after becoming a Christian or finding a bunch of other Christians. No wonder the atheists and former believers call us weak.

Where do we find our confidence then when we are hurting and wallowing in our brokenness? Why did so many people leave? Why do I keep on finding the same thoughts, same trends, same hidden daggers embedded in the hearts and minds of my friends at CMU? And here I was, older yet still naïve person going into a new undergraduate fellowship (my 4^th one), believing at first sight that this was a strong fellowship that cannot fail to take care of their own and point them heavenward. I am, seriously, a fellowship that doesn’t secretly promote success over Christ is a new thing for me. But as I got to know more people, hear more stories, I guess I realized that even here the cruelty of the world still takes its toll on people. How do I help instill confidence in them? How do I help them? Can I help them? Can’t Jesus Christ help them? Wasn’t that the point…of being a Christian?

What does it even mean to be a Christian? Doesn’t it mean we believe Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and that the Holy Spirit now works within us, creating a new heart/being in us? I think…for most of my friends, the biggest kicker is the doubts. Doubts of where we should be going (like me). Doubts of whether God is still working (or ever worked) in our lives. Doubts that prayer actually has an effect on our lives or even brings us closer to God. Doubts that we can change or help or save even one person in this world. Doubts on even whether the Bible is reliable or infallible or the inspired Word of God. It is hard, but we should never take the easy way out. Sometimes I have to wake in the morning and ask myself do I really believe in a man who called himself Jesus Christ, and he was the incarnation of God as man in the flesh who died and rose from the dead to save mankind from sin? When I say yes, it takes a little of the burden off of my doubting heart. Then I can continue to ask if God is still working in my life and growing me, using me, healing me from my bitterness and guilt and anxiety of the future. If I believe in Jesus, then I should try (sometimes it seems like Christians are forbidden to use the word “try” because it is never by human effort but God that things work out) to believe in the promises he preached about. And if I believe the promises and the reality of Christ, then I should probably believe the Bible is the real deal, the truly inspired Word of God that Jesus believed in and everyone else believed in. Without that book, there is no Jesus. And without Jesus, well then life kind of just sucks cuz there won’t be any hope in this world. The bully and the powerful will always win.

But of course it is easy to say all of this, and much harder to show all of this Gospel stuff to the whole fellowship and get them to “take heart.” So hard. It probably takes more silent actions of love, the ear to hear someone’s pains, the shoulder for crying on, and the long nights sharing and truly caring. Again with the whole “try” thing, we can’t try to make things better because we all know we are powerless. Powerless to help someone out of their sorrow when they undergo a breakup, lose a loved one, or watch their dreams collapse into dust. If we are honest with ourselves, then we all know that we are powerless to help ourselves, even if that fact shows up once in a blue moon for the successful peeps. It is all God, time and time again. This fact alone should erase all doubt that comes from not “feeling” God or God’s presence. The fact that broken people get healed is proof enough for me. I know it because I went from someone who physically tore his lungs his junior year after coughing for 4 months straight, from someone who almost committed suicide after Relay for Life, and broke furniture/plates/even his computer his senior year because people were actively ignoring him and his hurt because they feared to get their hands dirty and didn’t want to be there for a brother. I went from the guy who cried all night before his graduation because others rejected fellowship with him because they believed in the compatibility of friendship and not in unconditional love. I went from that mess who hated God and hit that deep bottom, where I was physically, mentally, and spiritually broken, into who I am now: someone who has scars but awaits Him who takes all scars away. 4 years later, I still have a long way to go, but that’s the path of sanctification right? And of course, sanctification just means being made more like Christ, more holy, more righteous, more perfect, something that will never happen in this lifetime but is promised at the Day of the Lord.

I don’t really know why I am writing this at 4am, but maybe I am happy and sad at the same time after coming back to Kansas City. I am truly happy to find a group of close and loving friends here in Kansas City. We are different, so different that only the grace of God could I have met them (at Windermere 4 years ago) and actually became their friend. It is funny that DOTA has played a larger part in fellowship than almost any other means God could have used. For others it can be making or listening to music, or playing basketball, or cooking. But God used DOTA in this instance and I will never doubt that fact that God can use a video game, something so childish and worldly, for His glory and for my redemption. Of course we went much deeper than that, sharing so many memories those 2 years. Now I’m the only one who still sometimes play, for the sake of fellowship (I try). The last 2 days were wonderful. I don’t think I’ve been hugged that many times before in 2 days. Hugs after not seeing each other for what…5 months? Hugs after meals and movies too? Wow. Eating Canto Chinese food was good too, because that’s all Kansas City has and we do it good here. I wish I can always be there for these guys, but I know that I need to trust God that he is helping them grow. Helping all of us find our paths, ones that lead to Him and to love of things in this world. I know this is the one aspect my KC friends have the hardest time letting go, as it is also the one aspect in my life that is the hardest to let go. To me it is easy for me to give my time, my money, my resources to care and love people. It is really hard for me to let go my desires in this world up to God: a semi-comfortable and stable career path and a wife. Just like what J.C. prodded me with, if I truly believe in looking heavenward and to be with God, then why am I so hung up on these things? As if I die now and end up before God, I would demand him to send me back because I never got to be a husband or a dad? As if I wouldn’t be happy and content just to be in His presence? But, honestly, I struggle most with this, with letting go, with wanting to plan my life even though God (literally) YOLOs my life for me because He wants His "purpose to prevail."

It is hard to not think about wordliness for me. I also don't want a "normal" Christianity (as shown here: http://adam4d.com/normal-christianity/).  I want real Christianity that walks with the only real God. And I want to show the guys here in Kansas City that real God, but I really don't know how. No one wants to keep being told "you need to know the Gospel" or "you need to focus on the Day of the Lord" or "Jesus would/wouldn't do that." That is easy mode, and its not the right mode. To help clarify what my old ACF fellowship (and my new one), I bring up something I heard last weekend from Pastor Dan Song (the irony that the one time I go to Pastor Lester's church, he would be the guest speaker for that Sunday service). He made a distinction between transparency and vulnerability within the Christian worldview. I know they tend to be interchangeable words, so I hope you focus on the message and not with nuances. Transparency is when we reveal our sins, our secrets, our brokenness to each other, but there is still that thin glass wall that separates us from others. This is what I see in fellowship. Vulnerability is transparency without that glass wall, where others can stick their hands into your guts and touch all the grit and nasty in our lives, so they can help clean and heal you. I believe that it is Biblical to do so (there are no verses that says your walk must be alone, but way too many that directly or indirectly points to God using people for your growth and sanctification). So we all need to shift from transparency to vulnerability, and I know this is hard. I myself am guilty of this, more so than the next person over. I know I don't want to, especially being older, life has made me harder, more jaded, more likely to avoid sticky situations to protect myself. With everything I've been through, I should have given up. But I didn't, and its probably (most likely) due to God's Grace. I never gave up on people, and I hope I will always be there to help and care for people even knowing that I have no ability or strength to do so.

I want to stay in Kansas City. I want to stay in Pittsburgh. But I’m a big enough boy now to know that wherever I go, God will throw me into a group of guys, maybe guys who will sharpen me and disciple me, maybe guys whom I can take care and be accountable of. Maybe even a girl, who knows. Maybe it will be where I die young (oh no not my futility of life speech again/almost wanted to use the word “early” but there is no such thing as “early” death, only an “on time” death). I wrestle so much with deciding to get a PhD or not, but like my GCF friend J.S. says, it really isn’t about being faithful in these big one-time decisions (like choosing a school, a job, or even a spouse), but being faithful in the small things during our daily lives. That is because during these times is when the actions reflect our heart and where our fruit is born. I don’t know if I should be here in Kansas City right now or in Chicago in the fall. I will try (darn it) to give these things glory to God, and keep those SMs and my brothers and sisters who are proclaiming the Gospel in unreached and/or dangerous nations in my heart. Part of me still wants to go…and the other (larger) part is just a fruit smoothie, all confused and nutrients oxidizing. I really don’t know man…trust in God. Christ is enough for me. The only thing that counts is faith expressed in love (mah theme verse for 2015). I’m just throwing stuff at the end here.

Ah, I wish I took care of more people. I wish I was there more often when people were hurting. Did I lead the guys enough in Pittsburgh? Did I support enough people, greet enough people, preach the Gospel enough? Was I a role model? Did I leave more scars this time around? Did I spend enough time outside of lab, outside of my work, outside of my apartment, outside of my comfort zone? Worst of all, was I unconditional? These are my regrets this time around, but I know they are moot, just need to keep telling myself that. I feel like Pittsburgh and another undergraduate ACF was God giving me a second shot. I am more healed this time around, and I have a flawed but loving group of guys from back home to keep me going. Yes, going the graduate school route will mean less time with fellowship. I know there are very few Christians doing their PhD (because of before mentioned problems with undergraduate fellowships and Christians being called to the mission field). Maybe, just maybe, there is a niche here for me as a witness and steward. Who knows. God knows.

Ah...I just want to keep people in my prayers more (which means I should pray just a little bit more/idk why people think I have a strong prayer life, I do not). Truly, truly? Truly I believe God is working in all my friends, my brothers and sisters, here in Kansas City, those in Pittsburgh, the ones from St. Louis, and those spread out across the world. It is always hard to believe, but today I believe it.