I remember a conversation with one of my friends and alumni
from Washu BME program. He said that only people who are weak and love
wallowing in their weakness go to Christian fellowships (on campus). He pointed
out that everyone there was very insecure, and meetings and such were basically
pity parties. Those who graduated out of the fellowship end up still insecure,
confused about life and what to do and where to go, and are generally less
successful than those who refuse to end up in one of those fellowships. He
pointed to the Christians who said they were Christian but opted to miss small
group, large group, prayer meetings, and even church in exchange for studying
and networking. Those are the successful ones.
To me this conversation really stuck out, even a year later.
It is true. I was part of a really insecure and in some ways toxic fellowship.
Everyone wanted to be taken care of, and there wasn’t enough juice to go
around. Almost
everyone in that fellowship are all kind of stuck today, while everyone who
left the fellowship are all in more successful spots in life, at least by the
world’s standards. 4 years later, I am still kind of stuck. Do I pursue something where I
can be successful? Does this mean I am pursuing wordliness? Success in the eyes
of man? When I look at the InterCP SMs (1-2 year missions into dangerous countries),
or even people going on short term ones, I think to myself whether to admire
them and join them, or to think they are stupid for throwing their lives away
like that. Yes, when they go long-term like that, they end up coming back to
the States with no money, no work experience, and for some no education (a lot
of them quitting med school or even college in hope of pursuing God’s mission
into the nations). From the traditional asian-american standard, that is
stupid. But is it really stupid if I truly believe I am a Christian and believe
God is sovereign and will take care of them? Maybe I may also be called to go?
And what if I am called to go (barring all the conflicting theology surrounding
missions), but am too afraid of dying or falling behind all my peers from
Washu/KC/CMU? Is this considered loving the world, pursuing an “easier” life
compared to other Christians, especially when I don’t feel a special calling to
do PhD or go into biotech field?
Back to the fellowship. Yes, I do believe that brokenness
brings people to God. Hurt people are more likely to seek God because the world
have beaten into them that they are worthless. It is like the quote “God helps
those who admit they can’t help themselves” (contrary to the un-biblical quote “God
helps those who help themselves”). So yeah, I remember my time as a leader in
ACF at Washu, many atheists who came into ACF were those seeking friendship,
seeking help, seeking some kind of hope because their world was falling apart.
But once they come in, they stay pitiful. I again would know because I also
suffered intense depression in ACF, especially while trying to serve and take
care of everyone under the constant pressure the BME workload entails. Those
were not fun times. I almost lost sight of God, but whether or not you are an
Armenian or a Calvinist, at least both can believe God does not let go when you
fall away or am hurt so much. Again to quote, when I hit rock bottom, I hit the
solid rock of God.
In my time at Washu, I saw more Christians leave the faith
than those who accept it. To be honest, it can make almost anyone lose heart.
The statistics that say 9 out of 10 Christians walk away from their childhood
faith was unfolding right before my eyes. Again people will and have said that
those never truly believed, and that may be true, it still really painful to
see. Even now I am trying my best to be a good friend and hopefully a good
witness to those I personally brought to faith, personally discipled, and eventually
hurt/betrayed/let down because I was a failure as a leader. The whole lot of
us, stuck in our sadness and hurt and insecurity and somehow never seem to gain
confidence even after becoming a Christian or finding a bunch of other
Christians. No wonder the atheists and former believers call us weak.
Where do we find our confidence then when we are hurting and
wallowing in our brokenness? Why did so many people leave? Why do I keep on
finding the same thoughts, same trends, same hidden daggers embedded in the
hearts and minds of my friends at CMU? And here I was, older yet still naïve person
going into a new undergraduate fellowship (my 4th one), believing at
first sight that this was a strong fellowship that cannot fail to take care of
their own and point them heavenward. I am, seriously, a fellowship that doesn’t
secretly promote success over Christ is a new thing for me. But as I got to
know more people, hear more stories, I guess I realized that even here the
cruelty of the world still takes its toll on people. How do I help instill
confidence in them? How do I help them? Can I help them? Can’t Jesus Christ
help them? Wasn’t that the point…of being a Christian?
What does it even mean to be a Christian? Doesn’t it mean we
believe Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and that the Holy Spirit now works
within us, creating a new heart/being in us? I think…for most of my friends,
the biggest kicker is the doubts. Doubts of where we should be going (like me).
Doubts of whether God is still working (or ever worked) in our lives. Doubts
that prayer actually has an effect on our lives or even brings us closer to
God. Doubts that we can change or help or save even one person in this world.
Doubts on even whether the Bible is reliable or infallible or the inspired Word
of God. It is hard, but we should never take the easy way out. Sometimes I have
to wake in the morning and ask myself do I really believe in a man who called
himself Jesus Christ, and he was the incarnation of God as man in the flesh who
died and rose from the dead to save mankind from sin? When I say yes, it takes
a little of the burden off of my doubting heart. Then I can continue to ask if
God is still working in my life and growing me, using me, healing me from my
bitterness and guilt and anxiety of the future. If I believe in Jesus, then I
should try (sometimes it seems like Christians are forbidden to use the word “try”
because it is never by human effort but God that things work out) to believe in
the promises he preached about. And if I believe the promises and the reality
of Christ, then I should probably believe the Bible is the real deal, the truly
inspired Word of God that Jesus believed in and everyone else believed in.
Without that book, there is no Jesus. And without Jesus, well then life kind of
just sucks cuz there won’t be any hope in this world. The bully and the
powerful will always win.
But of course it is easy to say all of this, and much harder
to show all of this Gospel stuff to the whole fellowship and get them to “take
heart.” So hard. It probably takes more silent actions of love, the ear to hear
someone’s pains, the shoulder for crying on, and the long nights sharing and
truly caring. Again with the whole “try” thing, we can’t try to make things
better because we all know we are powerless. Powerless to help someone out of
their sorrow when they undergo a breakup, lose a loved one, or watch their
dreams collapse into dust. If we are honest with ourselves, then we all know
that we are powerless to help ourselves, even if that fact shows up once in a
blue moon for the successful peeps. It is all God, time and time again. This
fact alone should erase all doubt that comes from not “feeling” God or God’s
presence. The fact that broken people get healed is proof enough for me. I know
it because I went from someone who physically tore his lungs his junior year
after coughing for 4 months straight, from someone who almost committed suicide
after Relay for Life, and broke furniture/plates/even his computer his senior
year because people were actively ignoring him and his hurt because they feared
to get their hands dirty and didn’t want to be there for a brother. I went from
the guy who cried all night before his graduation because others rejected
fellowship with him because they believed in the compatibility of friendship
and not in unconditional love. I went from that mess who hated God and hit that
deep bottom, where I was physically, mentally, and spiritually broken, into who
I am now: someone who has scars but awaits Him who takes all scars away. 4
years later, I still have a long way to go, but that’s the path of
sanctification right? And of course, sanctification just means being made more
like Christ, more holy, more righteous, more perfect, something that will never
happen in this lifetime but is promised at the Day of the Lord.
I don’t really know why I am writing this at 4am, but maybe
I am happy and sad at the same time after coming back to Kansas City. I am
truly happy to find a group of close and loving friends here in Kansas City. We
are different, so different that only the grace of God could I have met them
(at Windermere 4 years ago) and actually became their friend. It is funny that
DOTA has played a larger part in fellowship than almost any other means God
could have used. For others it can be making or listening to music, or playing
basketball, or cooking. But God used DOTA in this instance and I will never
doubt that fact that God can use a video game, something so childish and
worldly, for His glory and for my redemption. Of course we went much deeper than that, sharing so many memories those 2 years. Now I’m the only one who still sometimes play, for the sake of fellowship (I try). The last 2 days were wonderful. I
don’t think I’ve been hugged that many times before in 2 days. Hugs after not
seeing each other for what…5 months? Hugs after meals and movies too? Wow.
Eating Canto Chinese food was good too, because that’s all Kansas City has and
we do it good here. I wish I can always be there for these guys, but I know
that I need to trust God that he is helping them grow. Helping all of us find
our paths, ones that lead to Him and to love of things in this world. I know
this is the one aspect my KC friends have the hardest time letting go, as it is
also the one aspect in my life that is the hardest to let go. To me it is easy
for me to give my time, my money, my resources to care and love people. It is
really hard for me to let go my desires in this world up to God: a
semi-comfortable and stable career path and a wife. Just like what J.C. prodded
me with, if I truly believe in looking heavenward and to be with God, then why
am I so hung up on these things? As if I die now and end up before God, I would
demand him to send me back because I never got to be a husband or a dad? As if
I wouldn’t be happy and content just to be in His presence? But, honestly, I
struggle most with this, with letting go, with wanting to plan my life even
though God (literally) YOLOs my life for me because He wants His "purpose to prevail."
It is hard to not think about wordliness for me. I also don't want a "normal" Christianity (as shown here: http://adam4d.com/normal-christianity/). I want real Christianity that walks with the only real God. And I want to show the guys here in Kansas City that real God, but I really don't know how. No one wants to keep being told "you need to know the Gospel" or "you need to focus on the Day of the Lord" or "Jesus would/wouldn't do that." That is easy mode, and its not the right mode. To help clarify what my old ACF fellowship (and my new one), I bring up something I heard last weekend from Pastor Dan Song (the irony that the one time I go to Pastor Lester's church, he would be the guest speaker for that Sunday service). He made a distinction between transparency and vulnerability within the Christian worldview. I know they tend to be interchangeable words, so I hope you focus on the message and not with nuances. Transparency is when we reveal our sins, our secrets, our brokenness to each other, but there is still that thin glass wall that separates us from others. This is what I see in fellowship. Vulnerability is transparency without that glass wall, where others can stick their hands into your guts and touch all the grit and nasty in our lives, so they can help clean and heal you. I believe that it is Biblical to do so (there are no verses that says your walk must be alone, but way too many that directly or indirectly points to God using people for your growth and sanctification). So we all need to shift from transparency to vulnerability, and I know this is hard. I myself am guilty of this, more so than the next person over. I know I don't want to, especially being older, life has made me harder, more jaded, more likely to avoid sticky situations to protect myself. With everything I've been through, I should have given up. But I didn't, and its probably (most likely) due to God's Grace. I never gave up on people, and I hope I will always be there to help and care for people even knowing that I have no ability or strength to do so.
I want to stay in Kansas City. I want to stay in Pittsburgh.
But I’m a big enough boy now to know that wherever I go, God will throw me into
a group of guys, maybe guys who will sharpen me and disciple me, maybe guys
whom I can take care and be accountable of. Maybe even a girl, who knows. Maybe
it will be where I die young (oh no not my futility of life speech again/almost
wanted to use the word “early” but there is no such thing as “early” death,
only an “on time” death). I wrestle so much with deciding to get a PhD or not,
but like my GCF friend J.S. says, it really isn’t about being faithful in these
big one-time decisions (like choosing a school, a job, or even a spouse), but
being faithful in the small things during our daily lives. That is because
during these times is when the actions reflect our heart and where our fruit is
born. I don’t know if I should be here in Kansas City right now or in Chicago
in the fall. I will try (darn it) to give these things glory to God, and keep
those SMs and my brothers and sisters who are proclaiming the Gospel in
unreached and/or dangerous nations in my heart. Part of me still wants to go…and
the other (larger) part is just a fruit smoothie, all confused and nutrients
oxidizing. I really don’t know man…trust in God. Christ is enough for me. The
only thing that counts is faith expressed in love (mah theme verse for 2015). I’m
just throwing stuff at the end here.
Ah, I wish I took care of more people. I wish I was there
more often when people were hurting. Did I lead the guys enough in Pittsburgh?
Did I support enough people, greet enough people, preach the Gospel enough? Was
I a role model? Did I leave more scars this time around? Did I spend enough
time outside of lab, outside of my work, outside of my apartment, outside of my comfort zone? Worst of all, was I unconditional? These are my regrets this time around, but I know they are
moot, just need to keep telling myself that. I feel like Pittsburgh and another
undergraduate ACF was God giving me a second shot. I am more healed this time
around, and I have a flawed but loving group of guys from back home to keep me
going. Yes, going the graduate school route will mean less time with
fellowship. I know there are very few Christians doing their PhD (because of before
mentioned problems with undergraduate fellowships and Christians being called
to the mission field). Maybe, just maybe, there is a niche here for me as a
witness and steward. Who knows. God knows.
Ah...I just want to keep people in my prayers more (which means I should pray just a little bit more/idk why people think I have a strong prayer life, I do not). Truly, truly? Truly I believe God is working in all my friends, my brothers and sisters, here in Kansas City, those in Pittsburgh, the ones from St. Louis, and those spread out across the world. It is always hard to believe, but today I believe it.
