"To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” ― Lewis B. Smedes

I don’t need you. I hope you see strength in that statement. I need Christ and Him alone.

— Someone’s marriage vows. #Goals

"This...this was who I used to be. Who am I now?"

There once was a time long ago where I was known by these traits (I don't know where CAKEEEEE came from), Made by those who knew me then, they picked out what they saw in me that stood out. Reading those, I wonder if I glowed or something, like a saint. Now I am just known as "smart" or "theologically knowledgeable," but rarely these words above. How did I even get to this point? How did I become like this? I want my old self back, the one who cared. One who sacrificed. One who was selfless. One who had a servant heart.

God is such a troll sometimes.

I swore to Him that I would not attend a specific church in Chicago, and He made me forget the name of the church and I ended up going there. Mind you, its only a branch of the church, and not the specific location, but its close enough.

We shall see why He made me do this, to confront my fears.

"How do I forgive people?"

"Look at the Cross. Has anyone done any offense greater to you than what you have done towards the Cross? Yet you are forgiven."

"It's not that easy to tell my heart that, even though I know its true."

It's not that easy...

So...

when did having a boyfriend/girlfriend equate to being blessed and joyful? When did that start becoming a thing? Or getting a job, or acing a test, or even having good weather? Go Biblegateway.com "blessed" or "joy" and see what shows up.

So if your boyfriend or girlfriend breaks up with you, are you all of the sudden less blessed or robbed of your joy? What happens in the future if your spouse passes away, or even worse, divorces you? Last time I checked, finding joy in worldly things is called idolatry, and being blessed only when God gives you what you want is called Prosperity Gospel which, by the way, is the worst false gospel to ever exist.

Today I got to hear the testimony of one of the associate pastors for my new church in Chicago, and his testimony is full of pain and broken-heartedness. Born blind in one eye, he often prayed as a child for it to be healed, to no avail. His parents often fought when he was younger, leading him to be depressed. At school he was the only asian, and so he had no friends and was bullied often. Even just recently his wife left him, leaving him shattered. But through all of this, God was always there for him. God told him that though he won't heal his eye, there is still healing for the spirit. God also redeemed his parents, helping his father come to Christ, and sent them to start an orphanage in China (and currently in seminary in Korea). To this day he is still able to say the sweetness and goodness of God is better than anything else. To him, being blessed and joyful is having Christ, and nothing else.

So let me say this: I am blessed because I know Christ. I have constant, everlasting Joy because Christ is in me.

Please, let's remind each other of this.

He [Jesus] said:

³ “Blessed are the poor in spirit,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.
⁴ Blessed are those who mourn,
    for they will be comforted.
⁵ Blessed are the meek,
    for they will inherit the earth.
⁶ Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness,
    for they will be filled.
⁷ Blessed are the merciful,
    for they will be shown mercy.
⁸ Blessed are the pure in heart,
    for they will see God.
⁹ Blessed are the peacemakers,
    for they will be called children of God.
¹⁰ Blessed are those who are persecuted because of righteousness,
    for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.

¹¹ “Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. ¹² Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you.

Resolve, with a pinch of joy and a dash of freedom

I want more of You in my life.

I want more of You at UIC.

I want more of You at Cornerstone and Beloved.

I want more of You in Chicago.

I want more of You in KC, Pittsburgh, and St. Louis.

I want more of You in all the nations.

(That escalated quickly)

 

Also I got to see my first shooting star out in the middle of a hay field on a pure Wisconsin night. Wasn't what I expected, as I thought it was a firework at first.

"While ton of Christians in the other parts of the world are wondering about whether they will be persecuted tomorrow or not (or how will they be persecuted), and here I am, sitting in a warm apartment, with a bowl of food in front of me and worry about what if I cant find a job in future, or if i could find a job that I want..."

 Or the right relationships in life.

God, why did you put me here in comfortable America, and what am I supposed to do about it?

Awareness?
Prayer?
Action?
Drop everything and go somewhere dangerous for the Gospel?
Or humility and grace and love?

What is enough? Can I even do anything at all?

"If you truly cared about someone, you would pray for them"

The other night, I had a dream, and in that dream I was old and single and serving in the church. And I was happy.

I guess this was God showing me that I can be content with being single for the rest of my life.

http://cheezburger.com/215557

I want to be a dad like this one day.

Devo Post #12

9/21/15

Proverbs 28:27

Those who give to the poor will lack nothing,

   but those who close their eyes to them receive many curses.

I need to keep persevering in doing devotions. Ugh.

How do I address the homeless of Chicago, given that each time I see one who is curled on the street or accosts me and/or my walking companions, I am reminded of this verse? How many curses have I received for rejecting almost all of these people? I know that there is a mental breakdown for most of these homeless men and women. They lost all inhibitors of shame. The suffer from a multitude of mental disorders that causes them to be afraid of society and thus lead them to not find jobs. I know that many of them are living in a dream like world, where the fabrics of fantasy and reality have been dissolved. I saw this first hand when a homeless person walked into the Church of the Beloved when Mike was giving the message of the day, and he would say what he believed to be the right things, like quoting Genesis 1 and saying Hallelujah, and singing some tune to his childhood when the guitar started playing. At that moment, I wonder if he was still with us in that room, or was he transported via music to some nice and happy memory, maybe with his family or friends, where he could be at peace? As I sat pondering that imagery, he got up and left. I wonder how many people were annoyed or at least uncomfortable when he arrived? Would that homeless man truly understand what we were offering if we asked him to stay at our congregation, to come again and again and be a part of the family? I wonder how many of us would offer him a place to stay, or at least encourage him to have meals with us? Or would we just tell ourselves he isn’t our problem? I know that he needs help, mental help, professional help, and that is something we cannot give him. But is the power of God weak to the point that us dental/medical/phd students would be quick to disregard the spiritual power and the ability of miracles to occur in front of us? I know I am always suspicious of miracles and cases of miraculous healing. I hate it when people attribute it to faith, as if we create the faith ourselves, and God sees how much faith we have and give us alleviation of our physical ailments. What about all the faithful people who God chose not to heal? Are they lacking in faith? To say that faith leads to physical healing is along the lines of the Prosperity Gospel. God even chooses to let the faithful die, die painfully and pathetically, to glorify His name. Can God not use physical suffering in His children to glorify His name too? Why do we not praise Him and remember Him for those, but only when He performs a miracle in conjunction to our commands do we give Him glory. It sounds like a complete reversal of roles, that God has to answer us when we demand miracles.

So back to the original question. How do I reach the homeless in Chicago, when I can barely keep myself afloat on $2000 a month, with no guarantees on future funding or even the guarantee I will be able to stay at UIC or Chicago past 1 year? What is the minimum or maximum I can do? What is my calling? How can I pray for them? How can I lead them truly to Christ, as many will use Christianity as a trick to get support, but not truly believe in Christ as both Savior and Lord. Many of them are so trapped in their fears and mental jails. I know of that well, because I have been trapped in a jail due to depression before. The many continuous nights of crying till no more tears come out. The days where I refused to leave the classroom to eat with other students in the high school cafeteria. The days where I stay up all night shaking and burning all over. 11 whole years, starting when that naive and innocent kid first tastes and realizes the cruelty and unfairness of this world. It is that moment when we realize our parents aren’t all powerful. It is similar to that moment when the African kid was forced to shoot his parents to mature from a boy to a child soldier, leaving behind playtime and toys to become a man and a murderer. Or when a young girl is raped for the first time. All too real is the cruelty and evil of this world we live in. Just remembering being betrayed still instantly tears me up too this day. I have never killed anyone, and though I’ve been molested before, I’ve never been raped, I think I can understand the rapid propulsion of the development and hardening of the victims of this world due to these kinds of circumstances. One’s experiences, one’s fears, one’s pain, one’s shame, one’s bitterness, one’s hatred are all powerful shackles that fetter just as permanently as caste iron bracers chained to a wall or weight. I know the correct answer is God/Jesus can break every chain, but how real is it for me? How real is it for these homeless people? At what point does Christianity stop becoming theoretical and philosophical and becomes real? We live in reality, not a dreamland. Very likely that reality is a nightmare.

There are no easy answers. I don’t know what I would say if someone came to me and told me he/she just killed someone, or he/she was just raped. In the same way, I don’t know how to truly approach the homeless with no understanding of the paths and hardships they’ve taken to end up in their fallen state. This is where we say “The power of the Gospel is enough.” I think it is too easy to scoff at those who say this, but at the same time it is too easy to say that and walk away as well. So the question is, is the power of the Gospel enough? How much of the responsibility is on us? How far do we have to break before God intervenes, if He does at all? How much of this is part of God’s master plan? Does that plan involve me dying, or those homeless men and women dying?

God, you gave us this command (200+ times in the Bible, which is about 180+ times more than you command us to preach the Gospel) but don’t give us the means or the heart or the community to accomplish it. What are you playing at? Where does a 26 year old taiwanese-american 1st year BioE PhD student lacking in experience, skills, spiritual gifts, resources, and energy fit into the picture?

Christian Links

I made this page both to have an online record of the links I've collected over the years on various topics (not very well organized, I will find time later to do so), since I almost lost them all in the latest hard drive crash, but also as a resource for other Christians, non-believers, and friends alike. I hope this page helps people, even if only a little. 

Some links (like the Resurgence ones) no longer work. 

Also don't focus too much on the "controversial" section or you might wanna bang your head on something.

Enjoy!
 

Christian Links

I mentioned before that I rather be known as the guy who cares, who listens, who shares and loves and engages, instead of being the guy who is "knowledgeable." But my greatest fear now is that I am no longer known as anything at all and serve no purpose in the fellowships. Ugh.

I am Loved

So many people visiting me despite moving to a new city. I am glad, as I'm a people person, I don't do well moving to new places and having to make new friends and to support them.

K, A, and R decided to visit me in Chicago. It was fun going up and down the Magnificent Mile with them. I guess the best part was when we were on the seventh floor of the parking garage of the Navy Pier. We were looking out at the Chicago skyline when I touched a spider web with my left hand. There was no spider but I decided to check around to make sure. Only a foot away from my right hand was a black widow spider. Then we started to notice more. Many black widow spiders lined the walls and air conditioning units. Moment ruined. It was this time of valley of shadow and death where K decided to pray for me, that I would find a new fellowship, that I could come to like Chicago, and that I would strive towards God and find His plan for me in the city. It was a truly wonderful experience. I had to crawl back to the elevator as the inside of the seventh floor was also plagued with many spiders hanging from the ceiling and walls. Still, worth it.

More and more people are coming to visit me too. Had I made such a difference in other people's lives? Aren't I just known as the "knowledgeable one?" Or am I someone, something more?

I am loved, even if I lie to myself that I don't have what others have. F*** social media.

Wow even more people are visiting me. First Joe from GCF, then Chris from KC, even Kelly has decided to visit (though the trip is probably mostly to visit his GF, at least this time it won't be an accidental third wheeling, and I believe his sincerity). Can't wait for Val to visit too.

Devo Post #11

7/9/15

1 John 3:16

This is how we know what love is: Jesus Christ laid down his life for us. And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers and sisters.

Well, almost everyone knows that John 3:16 says, but what happens when you at a 1 before that scripture reference? Adding that 1 actually doesn’t seem to change the Gospel message, but take it a bit further, like taking Love a bit further. Now it turns the message of the Gospel from what Jesus did for us to what we do in response to that love, and that is to love those who are part of our family.

I know all of us secretly (or not so secretly) desire others to treat us with this kind of sacrificial love. We always cry out “why isn’t the body like this? See in scripture it's so clear!” I know I am guilty of this with my former ACF, and my outcry was probably well deserved, but for now I am going to give up my desire and right to this. Instead, I will keep this verse close to my heart and live it out its directive in an “away” fashion. That means I am the one who should lay my life down for others, even if they don’t want to or don’t yet have the capability to do so for me or for other people. I will set the example, not by my own strength, but by the love Christ is pouring into me from the Cross. I know its hard, and sometimes its fleeting, but I got to have the resolve to do it. Thats what it means to be Christian, to have faith especially in times of negative emotions. Wasn’t that the point of these big terms in the Bible? Faith, Hope, Peace, Joy, and Love are there specifically to counteract the negative emotions and feelings of lost souls like me, and they are doubly reinforced by the positive emotions and feelings we feel. But they are not dictated by emotions at all, but they are fruit poured into us through the Gospel (the Cross and Christ), through the Holy Spirit, and through the power of God. These sources are all one and the same, and yet as different as the triune nature of God. So mystery. Wow. Much awesome.

Joy

What did Paul mean when he talked endlessly about Joy (I'm going to caps it)? What did the Psalms mean about Joy? What did author of Hebrews mean in chapter 12? There can be a joy in eating cheesecake: I eat it, I delight in it, I take pleasure in it, but is this the same joy as the Joy we obtain from the Holy Spirit/Cross/Jesus Christ/God that will last for all eternity? What is “true” Joy? Can we fact check things with scripture? Otherwise there is no standard and anyone’s definition is fair game.

For me I believe Psalm 16:11 is one of the key verses in understanding Joy (my favorite verse about Joy). For me, it helps me to imagine Joy as an essence, a metaphysical thing so to speak, you obtain the very second you know God, and it continues to grow and be produced from your heart that moment on. It is there when you take part in anything regarding the Lord, such as being in the Lord’s presence, walking in faith, and seeing the fruit that is produced in His kingdom. The act/verb usage of rejoicing is affirming this fact. You can feel Joy, because since it is a thing it is radiating happiness and enjoyment (heheh) like a hot coal (or the thermal stone from Don’t Starve…play with me), and can be stifled by sin but never lost as long as you have the Holy Spirit (depending on your theology it can never be lost), since the Holy Spirit is the conduit for the source of Joy which is the Cross (hence why it is a fruit of the Spirit). That is why there are times you think you cannot feel or see Joy, though it may be there.

There are many details and nuances to Joy as it is described in Scripture and by theologians, so it is hard to wrap it all together. It part of the contentment in God. It is part of the desire/longing to be with God and see/hear God. Like all these big Biblical words we commonly use, like Worship, Praise, Love, Hope, Truth, Peace, Salvation, Faith, they are all related and intricately tied together. There is Joy when we persevere under our Faith (James 1). We find Joy in the Peace we obtain when we truly Hope in the Day of the Lord (Romans 5, 12, 15). I believe that is what it means when Jesus says our Joy is made complete when the Bride and the Bridegroom are united. Because it is then when we will be in the full presence of God, with all the saints together praising and worshipping our Lord with one single voice.

At the end of the day, we want to know what God’s definition of all these big terms are, the “true” definition. Only a collective grasp of the all of them simultaneously can we truly being to understand any one of them. And this grasp/understanding is a work of God, a continuous work that is far from complete in any of us, especially me. I truly believe that these answers are found only in the Word of God, and only by the power of the Holy Spirit can simple text on a page become alive and breathed into us and revealed to us as described in 1 Corinthians 2. Now time to define all the other terminologies, oh and a better understanding of who the Holy Spirit is in my life. Oh joy.

Psalm 16:11

You make known to me the path of life;

    you will fill me with joy in your presence,

    with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

John 3:29

The bride belongs to the bridegroom. The friend who attends the bridegroom waits and listens for him, and is full of joy when he hears the bridegroom’s voice. That joy is mine, and it is now complete.

John 15:11

I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete.

Philippians 2:1-2

Therefore if you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any common sharing in the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, 2 then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and of one mind.

Hebrews 12:1-2

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.

Romans 5:2

Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God.

Romans 12:12

Rejoice in hope, be patient in tribulation, be constant in prayer.

Romans 15:13

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.

James 1:1-2

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance

More Notes/Points:

There are multiple Greek words for different types of joy. One for happiness (ashar), one for circumstantial joy commonly used in the OT and early NT (chara) to describe an emotion, one for eternal joy (chara) used in the NT describing having Christ. I think it is important to pay attention to this, just as one would pay attention to which greek word for "love" is used in context. Joy is separate from both happiness and pleasure (hedon) in scripture.

I like to think of joy as an essence, a metaphysical object. The Bible always characterizes joy as a fruit of the spirit, like how a tree bears fruit, the HS bears joy in our lives. Even in scripture the verb usage is commonly "produced", not "felt." From this fruit called joy we do feel and experience happiness and gladness. Joy produces happiness. As John Piper puts it, "hope bears the fruit of joy," giving both hope and joy objectivity.

I can accept the other definition that joy is a extreme or special version of happiness, one that is deeper, more "rooted," spiritual instead of being just emotional/physiological/hormonal/psychological  (though it can have/induce aspects in these areas). We have to remember that joy is mentioned 28 times in the NT in correlation with suffering, persecution, and sorrow, and is even magnified during these seasons. The point is that joy remains even when happiness and gladness disappear. Do you think Christ was happy when He was shedding tears of blood on Gethsemane? Or when He was nailed on the Cross? Do you think Paul was happy when he was whipped or starved or had the thorn?  Christians aren't masochists, we are joyful.

It is very clear in scripture that Joy is something that starts to exist and only exists when one receives the HS.  Biblical joy is not something that non-believers have and/or can experience. Again, very clear in the context of scripture and biblical theology. Just like common grace, there is probably some form of common joy, but it is not on the same level of joy one has because they know Christ.

Yes one can point to the singular event of Christ on the Cross as the source of our joy, you cannot forget that the consequences of that event covers all time, before and after, and that the joy set before Christ was with God and was a part of God since before the beginning. I don't think its fair to call joy circumstantial, but something that flows from an eternal and constant source as referred in the Psalms, just as I don't think its fair to call the Gospel circumstantial. God's presence and glory that brings joy into our lives has never wavered or changed. Same with Christ's kingship and glory.

Proverbs 28:27 - Whoever gives to the poor will not want, but he who hides his eyes will get many a curse.

Every time I look away from the homeless on the streets in need, God slams this verse in my face. Sigh, have mercy on my soul.

Musings at 4am at night

I remember a conversation with one of my friends and alumni from Washu BME program. He said that only people who are weak and love wallowing in their weakness go to Christian fellowships (on campus). He pointed out that everyone there was very insecure, and meetings and such were basically pity parties. Those who graduated out of the fellowship end up still insecure, confused about life and what to do and where to go, and are generally less successful than those who refuse to end up in one of those fellowships. He pointed to the Christians who said they were Christian but opted to miss small group, large group, prayer meetings, and even church in exchange for studying and networking. Those are the successful ones.

To me this conversation really stuck out, even a year later. It is true. I was part of a really insecure and in some ways toxic fellowship. Everyone wanted to be taken care of, and there wasn’t enough juice to go around. Almost everyone in that fellowship are all kind of stuck today, while everyone who left the fellowship are all in more successful spots in life, at least by the world’s standards. 4 years later, I am still kind of stuck. Do I pursue something where I can be successful? Does this mean I am pursuing wordliness? Success in the eyes of man? When I look at the InterCP SMs (1-2 year missions into dangerous countries), or even people going on short term ones, I think to myself whether to admire them and join them, or to think they are stupid for throwing their lives away like that. Yes, when they go long-term like that, they end up coming back to the States with no money, no work experience, and for some no education (a lot of them quitting med school or even college in hope of pursuing God’s mission into the nations). From the traditional asian-american standard, that is stupid. But is it really stupid if I truly believe I am a Christian and believe God is sovereign and will take care of them? Maybe I may also be called to go? And what if I am called to go (barring all the conflicting theology surrounding missions), but am too afraid of dying or falling behind all my peers from Washu/KC/CMU? Is this considered loving the world, pursuing an “easier” life compared to other Christians, especially when I don’t feel a special calling to do PhD or go into biotech field?

Back to the fellowship. Yes, I do believe that brokenness brings people to God. Hurt people are more likely to seek God because the world have beaten into them that they are worthless. It is like the quote “God helps those who admit they can’t help themselves” (contrary to the un-biblical quote “God helps those who help themselves”). So yeah, I remember my time as a leader in ACF at Washu, many atheists who came into ACF were those seeking friendship, seeking help, seeking some kind of hope because their world was falling apart. But once they come in, they stay pitiful. I again would know because I also suffered intense depression in ACF, especially while trying to serve and take care of everyone under the constant pressure the BME workload entails. Those were not fun times. I almost lost sight of God, but whether or not you are an Armenian or a Calvinist, at least both can believe God does not let go when you fall away or am hurt so much. Again to quote, when I hit rock bottom, I hit the solid rock of God.

In my time at Washu, I saw more Christians leave the faith than those who accept it. To be honest, it can make almost anyone lose heart. The statistics that say 9 out of 10 Christians walk away from their childhood faith was unfolding right before my eyes. Again people will and have said that those never truly believed, and that may be true, it still really painful to see. Even now I am trying my best to be a good friend and hopefully a good witness to those I personally brought to faith, personally discipled, and eventually hurt/betrayed/let down because I was a failure as a leader. The whole lot of us, stuck in our sadness and hurt and insecurity and somehow never seem to gain confidence even after becoming a Christian or finding a bunch of other Christians. No wonder the atheists and former believers call us weak.

Where do we find our confidence then when we are hurting and wallowing in our brokenness? Why did so many people leave? Why do I keep on finding the same thoughts, same trends, same hidden daggers embedded in the hearts and minds of my friends at CMU? And here I was, older yet still naïve person going into a new undergraduate fellowship (my 4^th one), believing at first sight that this was a strong fellowship that cannot fail to take care of their own and point them heavenward. I am, seriously, a fellowship that doesn’t secretly promote success over Christ is a new thing for me. But as I got to know more people, hear more stories, I guess I realized that even here the cruelty of the world still takes its toll on people. How do I help instill confidence in them? How do I help them? Can I help them? Can’t Jesus Christ help them? Wasn’t that the point…of being a Christian?

What does it even mean to be a Christian? Doesn’t it mean we believe Jesus Christ is our Lord and Savior and that the Holy Spirit now works within us, creating a new heart/being in us? I think…for most of my friends, the biggest kicker is the doubts. Doubts of where we should be going (like me). Doubts of whether God is still working (or ever worked) in our lives. Doubts that prayer actually has an effect on our lives or even brings us closer to God. Doubts that we can change or help or save even one person in this world. Doubts on even whether the Bible is reliable or infallible or the inspired Word of God. It is hard, but we should never take the easy way out. Sometimes I have to wake in the morning and ask myself do I really believe in a man who called himself Jesus Christ, and he was the incarnation of God as man in the flesh who died and rose from the dead to save mankind from sin? When I say yes, it takes a little of the burden off of my doubting heart. Then I can continue to ask if God is still working in my life and growing me, using me, healing me from my bitterness and guilt and anxiety of the future. If I believe in Jesus, then I should try (sometimes it seems like Christians are forbidden to use the word “try” because it is never by human effort but God that things work out) to believe in the promises he preached about. And if I believe the promises and the reality of Christ, then I should probably believe the Bible is the real deal, the truly inspired Word of God that Jesus believed in and everyone else believed in. Without that book, there is no Jesus. And without Jesus, well then life kind of just sucks cuz there won’t be any hope in this world. The bully and the powerful will always win.

But of course it is easy to say all of this, and much harder to show all of this Gospel stuff to the whole fellowship and get them to “take heart.” So hard. It probably takes more silent actions of love, the ear to hear someone’s pains, the shoulder for crying on, and the long nights sharing and truly caring. Again with the whole “try” thing, we can’t try to make things better because we all know we are powerless. Powerless to help someone out of their sorrow when they undergo a breakup, lose a loved one, or watch their dreams collapse into dust. If we are honest with ourselves, then we all know that we are powerless to help ourselves, even if that fact shows up once in a blue moon for the successful peeps. It is all God, time and time again. This fact alone should erase all doubt that comes from not “feeling” God or God’s presence. The fact that broken people get healed is proof enough for me. I know it because I went from someone who physically tore his lungs his junior year after coughing for 4 months straight, from someone who almost committed suicide after Relay for Life, and broke furniture/plates/even his computer his senior year because people were actively ignoring him and his hurt because they feared to get their hands dirty and didn’t want to be there for a brother. I went from the guy who cried all night before his graduation because others rejected fellowship with him because they believed in the compatibility of friendship and not in unconditional love. I went from that mess who hated God and hit that deep bottom, where I was physically, mentally, and spiritually broken, into who I am now: someone who has scars but awaits Him who takes all scars away. 4 years later, I still have a long way to go, but that’s the path of sanctification right? And of course, sanctification just means being made more like Christ, more holy, more righteous, more perfect, something that will never happen in this lifetime but is promised at the Day of the Lord.

I don’t really know why I am writing this at 4am, but maybe I am happy and sad at the same time after coming back to Kansas City. I am truly happy to find a group of close and loving friends here in Kansas City. We are different, so different that only the grace of God could I have met them (at Windermere 4 years ago) and actually became their friend. It is funny that DOTA has played a larger part in fellowship than almost any other means God could have used. For others it can be making or listening to music, or playing basketball, or cooking. But God used DOTA in this instance and I will never doubt that fact that God can use a video game, something so childish and worldly, for His glory and for my redemption. Of course we went much deeper than that, sharing so many memories those 2 years. Now I’m the only one who still sometimes play, for the sake of fellowship (I try). The last 2 days were wonderful. I don’t think I’ve been hugged that many times before in 2 days. Hugs after not seeing each other for what…5 months? Hugs after meals and movies too? Wow. Eating Canto Chinese food was good too, because that’s all Kansas City has and we do it good here. I wish I can always be there for these guys, but I know that I need to trust God that he is helping them grow. Helping all of us find our paths, ones that lead to Him and to love of things in this world. I know this is the one aspect my KC friends have the hardest time letting go, as it is also the one aspect in my life that is the hardest to let go. To me it is easy for me to give my time, my money, my resources to care and love people. It is really hard for me to let go my desires in this world up to God: a semi-comfortable and stable career path and a wife. Just like what J.C. prodded me with, if I truly believe in looking heavenward and to be with God, then why am I so hung up on these things? As if I die now and end up before God, I would demand him to send me back because I never got to be a husband or a dad? As if I wouldn’t be happy and content just to be in His presence? But, honestly, I struggle most with this, with letting go, with wanting to plan my life even though God (literally) YOLOs my life for me because He wants His "purpose to prevail."

It is hard to not think about wordliness for me. I also don't want a "normal" Christianity (as shown here: http://adam4d.com/normal-christianity/).  I want real Christianity that walks with the only real God. And I want to show the guys here in Kansas City that real God, but I really don't know how. No one wants to keep being told "you need to know the Gospel" or "you need to focus on the Day of the Lord" or "Jesus would/wouldn't do that." That is easy mode, and its not the right mode. To help clarify what my old ACF fellowship (and my new one), I bring up something I heard last weekend from Pastor Dan Song (the irony that the one time I go to Pastor Lester's church, he would be the guest speaker for that Sunday service). He made a distinction between transparency and vulnerability within the Christian worldview. I know they tend to be interchangeable words, so I hope you focus on the message and not with nuances. Transparency is when we reveal our sins, our secrets, our brokenness to each other, but there is still that thin glass wall that separates us from others. This is what I see in fellowship. Vulnerability is transparency without that glass wall, where others can stick their hands into your guts and touch all the grit and nasty in our lives, so they can help clean and heal you. I believe that it is Biblical to do so (there are no verses that says your walk must be alone, but way too many that directly or indirectly points to God using people for your growth and sanctification). So we all need to shift from transparency to vulnerability, and I know this is hard. I myself am guilty of this, more so than the next person over. I know I don't want to, especially being older, life has made me harder, more jaded, more likely to avoid sticky situations to protect myself. With everything I've been through, I should have given up. But I didn't, and its probably (most likely) due to God's Grace. I never gave up on people, and I hope I will always be there to help and care for people even knowing that I have no ability or strength to do so.

I want to stay in Kansas City. I want to stay in Pittsburgh. But I’m a big enough boy now to know that wherever I go, God will throw me into a group of guys, maybe guys who will sharpen me and disciple me, maybe guys whom I can take care and be accountable of. Maybe even a girl, who knows. Maybe it will be where I die young (oh no not my futility of life speech again/almost wanted to use the word “early” but there is no such thing as “early” death, only an “on time” death). I wrestle so much with deciding to get a PhD or not, but like my GCF friend J.S. says, it really isn’t about being faithful in these big one-time decisions (like choosing a school, a job, or even a spouse), but being faithful in the small things during our daily lives. That is because during these times is when the actions reflect our heart and where our fruit is born. I don’t know if I should be here in Kansas City right now or in Chicago in the fall. I will try (darn it) to give these things glory to God, and keep those SMs and my brothers and sisters who are proclaiming the Gospel in unreached and/or dangerous nations in my heart. Part of me still wants to go…and the other (larger) part is just a fruit smoothie, all confused and nutrients oxidizing. I really don’t know man…trust in God. Christ is enough for me. The only thing that counts is faith expressed in love (mah theme verse for 2015). I’m just throwing stuff at the end here.

Ah, I wish I took care of more people. I wish I was there more often when people were hurting. Did I lead the guys enough in Pittsburgh? Did I support enough people, greet enough people, preach the Gospel enough? Was I a role model? Did I leave more scars this time around? Did I spend enough time outside of lab, outside of my work, outside of my apartment, outside of my comfort zone? Worst of all, was I unconditional? These are my regrets this time around, but I know they are moot, just need to keep telling myself that. I feel like Pittsburgh and another undergraduate ACF was God giving me a second shot. I am more healed this time around, and I have a flawed but loving group of guys from back home to keep me going. Yes, going the graduate school route will mean less time with fellowship. I know there are very few Christians doing their PhD (because of before mentioned problems with undergraduate fellowships and Christians being called to the mission field). Maybe, just maybe, there is a niche here for me as a witness and steward. Who knows. God knows.

Ah...I just want to keep people in my prayers more (which means I should pray just a little bit more/idk why people think I have a strong prayer life, I do not). Truly, truly? Truly I believe God is working in all my friends, my brothers and sisters, here in Kansas City, those in Pittsburgh, the ones from St. Louis, and those spread out across the world. It is always hard to believe, but today I believe it.

Memories of the last 2 years

Finding C and H longboarding near the shortcut to Fifth and they gave me a hug when I was feeling lonely. Most random and seemingly whimsical event, yet it stayed strong in my head even till now.

That one time when I posted a FB status that accidentally and inadvertently gave the impression I was kidnapped and P freaked out and called me during class to make sure I wasn't actually in danger, to my surprise and gratefulness. I was really happy that someone actually cared. Also starting from that moment I became on guard on how my future posts could be interpreted.

The night K and I watching all of Halo 2-4 cutscenes and Halo Forward Unto Dawn. Ah and of course playing Halo 2 with K and JLim. Watching K struggle against honor guard elites was the best.

Hanging out with V and hearing his testimony of getting out of drugs and into the missions movement, ending with late night adventures to IHOP and eventually the airport.

The night after T convicted and rebuked me for not truly understanding the Gospel, leading me to pull an all nighter and reading a good amount of the NT in one go to satisfy my hunger to understand. Not going to lie, it was one of a very very few times I found true peace in reading the Word of God. Rarely does that happen, where reading scripture turns from just routine and studious into something real and life giving. But thats the point, I felt it once and I know it was the real deal, so that even if I don't feel anything now or get no reaction when I read my Bible, I can always look back to that moment and know what is real is still real, and everything will be okay.

Several of the prayer meetings were very memorable...the ones where many people came and we stayed till past midnight as we shared and cried and hurt and encouraged and gave thanks and just prayed for one another. Ah I should just share some from the doc...

Surprisingly, I found the camping trip to be a lot of fun, and I was really really happy no one tried to flirt or hook up with one another. Like, this is the first time I've seen this.

I miss the nights in undergrad when we would just stay up laying on the carpet and just talk about life, usually ending with how we still believe God is good and that though it is hard, we trust He is still working in our lives.

Those 4 hours in NYC. It is too bad it was only a dream. But it is okay. Christ is enough for me, always.

True love is one that lasts even through betrayal, where trust has been eroded away. Wasn't that the case on the Cross? Bah, to think I would learn this from Kelsier...

I truly appreciate G and everyone who has ever complimented me for my knowledge of scripture, theology, and general Christian news, but at the end of the day, instead of being known for my knowledge, I would rather be known as the guy who cared. 4 years ago, even 2 years ago, no one would have recognized me for knowing what I know now, but I have always been that person who lived for others. Mebbe I've grown more selfish. I gained all this knowledge not to puff myself up (heheh) but to bring people closer to Christ. But I know that most of the time, it is the arm embracing, the ear listening, and the heart caring and breaking that reveals the kind of Love poured out from the Cross. That is what I strive for, alway strive for, as I continue to live in this world.

Devo post #9 and #10

5/31/15

Galatians 3:2-6

I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by believing what you heard? 3 Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh? 4 Have you experienced so much in vain—if it really was in vain? 5 So again I ask, does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you by the works of the law, or by your believing what you heard? 6 So also Abraham “believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.”

Well...this seems very action based. We get the Holy Spirit from believing. That is all we have to do under grace. The second most important message here is that we cannot earn grace nor is our salvation purchased by our works, and that we shouldn’t switch mindsets after we realize what the Gospel is. Yes, when people fall into legalism, it is because they forgot this part of the Gospel: that our salvation is through belief and through Grace, not works. Therefore, the word “try” really doesn’t fit Christians as God gives us the ability to believe (if you are are hardcore Calvinists) and our belief then transitions into faith. God before and God after. Sometimes I wonder how that looks in reality as we always tend to fall towards a “try try try” mentality. Does it just mean we wait for God to ignite our heart to have passion for prayer, scripture reading, and loving others? Do we attempt to work towards those things by ourselves, knowing that we are doing the impossible and thus when we find we have really developed a sincere passion for those things, we are able to credit God then?

Yes, a lot of times I feel like the things I am doing are done in vain. But the moment something good comes out of it, I can confidently say that it wasn’t my doing in my life, but the Holy Spirit’s doing. That is the point. The moment we can “feel” God again, we won’t say “ah its because I was reading scripture 4 hours a day or praying 4 hours a day or serving at church/fellowship 40 hours a week or giving 50% of my salary to missions or even devoting my entire life to preaching the Gospel in India or Turkey” but because I know that it is truly God moving me forward with His power and His grace and His love. God’s sovereignty in a nutshell.

 

5/22/15

Galatians 5:6

For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Merrrr. Mah theme verse for the year. Fitting that God made this the verse I come back to after not doing devoes for like…(22-8) 14 days (2 weeks!?!?). After doing devotions on this document for almost 4 years, I definitely realize that the verses I come upon and specific days are so relevant for that day that it really can’t be coincidence. Especially when I take breaks from doing devotions. Like today. I’m sure I’ve remarked on them earlier too.

What is faith? What is love? I think these are the two questions that need answering before I can fully understand this passage. But at least on the surface level, the only thing that matters is love. Not intelligence, not talent, not skill, not anything born from man for love is born from God. That means my training doesn’t really amount to anything unless I use it to show love. That means being made uncomfortable. That means listening to the Holy Spirit in doing things I do not like. That means caring for people that I don’t have a good reason to care for. That means putting effort into the Body because I am compelled by Christ. That means building people up instead of beating them down. It means praying for those poor Christians in Iraq and Syria who are being killed or raped or forced to flee. Ugh just praying more in general for people, instead of not praying or just praying for myself. Haha Gordon you have no idea how lacking of a prayer life I have. Will need to change that. Well, need to ask for a heart that is willing to change first, then allow the Holy Spirit to work in that new heart. So much effort, but none from me.

I guess the question in my mind is this: did I show enough love in my faith these last 2 years? Or was I really selfish in how I behaved or my lack of action? It is very hard to not link the lack of farewells at the time of my graduation to me not making an impact at CMU. Was I not a good big brother to the ACF guys? Did I try too hard avoiding the girls to prevent me from doing stupid things like flirt with them who are 4-7 years younger than me? Didn’t I join this fellowship knowing I will not find my future wife there and I was okay with that? At least I didn’t end up crying all night before graduation because people told me I was never part of the fellowship and I was never a brother to them. At least that didn’t happen, but just because something so awful didn’t happen doesn’t make the situation bittersweet. I don’t want to be known as the “knowledgeable” person, I wanted to be known as the guy who really cared, the guy who was always willing to help or be there for people. I wanted to be known as the guy who loves. I don’t think I accomplished that. But is it really my place to say I accomplished or didn’t accomplish within God’s sovereignty? What if fruit was born from my actions? What if fruit was born despite my actions? What if my actions bore fruit but I will never be credited for it? Is that okay? It is okay, but am I okay with that? Will I just be another ACF alumni that people forget in name and face within 3 months? Will I be remembered for something, at least for 3 more years? Did I encourage people enough to take that step into the cruel and hurtful “real” world? Will I continue to encourage them once they are there?

Ugh so many questions, yet again. I should probably say “it doesn’t matter” because “I got Jesus.” I just need my heart to realize that.

I thank you Lord for the opportunities the past 2 years for my growth and the smallest chances that I aided in other people’s edification.