Premartial sex, Abstinence, Divorce, Co-habitation, Marriage - some studies

Finer, Lawrence B. "Trends in premarital sex in the United States, 1954–2003." Public Health Reports 122.1 (2007): 73.

·        Data from the 2002 survey indicate that by age 20, 77% of respondents had had sex, 75% had had premarital sex, and 12% had married; by age 44, 95% of respondents (94% of women, 96% of men, and 97% of those who had ever had sex) had had premarital sex. Even among those who abstained until at least age 20, 81% had had premarital sex by age 44. Among cohorts of women turning 15 between 1964 and 1993, at least 91% had had premarital sex by age 30. Among those turning 15 between 1954 and 1963, 82% had had premarital sex by age 30, and 88% had done so by age 44

Rosenbaum, Janet E., and Byron Weathersbee. "True love waits: Do Southern Baptists? Premarital sexual behavior among newly married Southern Baptist Sunday school students." Journal of religion and health 52.1 (2013): 263-275.

·        More than 70% of respondents reported having had premarital vaginal or oral sex, but more than 80% regretted premarital sex. The proportion of premarital sex exceeded 80% in 6 of 9 churches, among men and women married after age 25 and women married before age 21. School sex education was the only source of information about sexually transmitted infections for 57% of respondents, and 65% supported secular sex education despite church opposition

http://www.christianpost.com/news/christians-are-following-secular-trends-in-premarital-sex-cohabitation-outside-of-marriage-says-dating-site-survey-113373/

·        According to the "2014 State of Dating in America" report published by Christian Mingle and JDate, 61 percent of Christians said they would have sex before marriage. Fifty-six percent said that it's appropriate to move in with someone after dating for a time between six months and two years. Fifty-Nine percent said it doesn't matter who the primary breadwinner of the family is. And 34 percent responded that while it would be nice to marry someone of the same faith, it's not required.

·       "Oftentimes couples find this as something personal between the two of them," Sussman explained. "Even if the church frowns on this behavior, they take it upon themselves to make an educated decision between the two of them."

http://www.focusonthefamily.com/about_us/focus-findings/marriage/premarital-sex-and-divorce.aspx
http://nationalmarriageproject.org/resources/should-we-live-together/
http://www.heritage.org/research/reports/2002/04/the-effectiveness-of-abstinence-education-programs#pgfId=1009648

Teachman, Jay. "Premarital sex, premarital cohabitation, and the risk of subsequent marital dissolution among women." Journal of Marriage and Family 65.2 (2003): 444-455.

Jose, Anita, K. Daniel O’Leary, and Anne Moyer. "Does premarital cohabitation predict subsequent marital stability and marital quality? A meta‐analysis." Journal of Marriage and Family 72.1 (2010): 105-116.

·       Cohabitation with a romantic partner has become common in recent decades. This meta-analysis examined the link between premarital cohabitation and marital stability ( k = 16) and marital quality ( k = 12). Cohabitation had a significant negative association with both marital stability and marital quality. The negative predictive effect on marital stability, however, did not remain when only cohabitation with the eventual marital partner was analyzed, suggesting that these cohabitors may attach more long-term meaning to living together. Moderator analyses demonstrated that effects of cohabitation have remained consistent over time, despite the fact that cohabitation has become more normative.

Brown, Susan L., Wendy D. Manning, and Krista K. Payne. "Relationship Quality among Cohabiting versus Married Couples." (2014).

·       https://www.bgsu.edu/content/dam/BGSU/college-of-arts-and-sciences/NCFMR/documents/WP/WP-14-03.pdf

·       Today’s cohabitors with marriage plans and marrieds who premaritally cohabited report similar relationship quality, illustrating the blurring boundaries between cohabitation and marriage in the contemporary context. At the same time, the remaining two groups are bifurcated with cohabitors who have no plans to marry suffering from the poorest relationship quality whereas the increasingly selective group who directly married without premarital cohabitation enjoy the highest relationship quality.

Paik, Anthony. "Adolescent sexuality and the risk of marital dissolution." Journal of Marriage and Family 73.2 (2011): 472-485.

I think the worst thing you can do to your friend is to be silent when they hope for a response.  I’d rather someone yell at me than completely shut down and ignore me.  It’s about the most harmful, hateful thing you can do, to neglect your friend who needs to hear from you.  Please don’t be so aloof or stubborn or oblivious to think that “space” is always a good thing.  Sometimes you need to rip away from your own isolated tower with all your aching strength and reach in with total vulnerability. It’s tough to do this, but tougher not to. - J.S. Park

Again...it all comes down to not loving when loving is hard. If you are a follower of Jesus, you love...in a completely selfless manner.

Sigh. I feel ignored most of the time.

God beating me up in the Cathedral

Yesterday was an interesting day. It has been a very long time where I posted a personal and gritty post, since the last few (hundred) have been mostly what God has showing me through sermons, scripture, quotes, and the interwebs.

I finally managed to go to church after 3 weeks of not going. There was a bit of guilt in not going to church, not going to lie, but those Sundays I did my best to watch sermons and be fed through scripture and prayer. I also got work done those mornings and was fully awake and functional to serve on Vision School staff, so all in all those Sundays were not too shabby. Not so yesterday. I woke up at 9, and was immediately feeling quite terrible. My perpetual headaches were up again, and this time the pain traveled to my neck, gave me a tingling feeling in my nose and face (still here now), and eventually led to a fever and body aches. I guess I got a virus, or maybe Satan sent a virus to spiritually and physically oppress me, I am not sure, but I managed to overcome it with willpower and the need to go to church. But once I got on that bus I just felt an overwhelming feeling of people being uncaring that morning. I felt like no one really wanted to talk to me. Or maybe it was just the girls, since M and MS sought me out and A wanted to do workshop with me. But yeah, it just felt like no one gave a damn that I managed to make it to church. No one really wanted to talk to me. I just passed out in the sermon (though I magically recall most of it), and would have slept through the workshop as well if I hadn't accidentally went to the only one that was interactive. So I got to muddle through Luke 18 and learning how to share that parable as a story to seekers and new believers. I think the weight room analogy was a decent one, which got better when I actually thought about it. The point of the parable is that the Pharisee was self-righteous, but the audience all see them in a good light. Unlike modern Christians, who only know Pharisees as legalistic, bigots, and enemies of Jesus, the audience back them treated them as honorable, wishing their children will be selected to be come pharisees. When the pharisees told the Jews to crucify Jesus, the Jews immediately responded with the cries "crucify him!" Clearly they were people with power, and people that others looked up to, heroes of the age so to speak. Then we have the tax collector. No he isn't similar to the IRS people, he is something far worse. A traitor of Israel, a dog of the Romans, a destroyer of dreams, a theft of hard-earned money, one who takes your children and throws them into slavery! If a tax collector were to enter your house, you would call the police. If a tax collector entered your church, you would sent the doormen to kick him out. If a tax collector entered the temple, he was shunned by all and sequestered into a dark and musty corner. He is the scum of the earth. That is who a tax collector is. The best modern analogy I could come up with is that he is a pimp, one who exploits lust and the needs of poor women for money, one who traffics abducted girls and sells them to rapists. Come on, imagine if a someone took your sister or your mother or your wife or your daughter and sold her? That is the kind of hatred you would have for a tax collector. I felt like I hit the true meaning of the parable in an instant, reconciling the context of the passage and the how drastically big the impact of why Jesus compared a tax collector with a pharisee, why He chose a tax collector (Matthew) to be one of His disciples, and why people were shocked when He chose Zacchaeus' house to eat dinner. Seriously it was a big deal, how important Grace is. But when I presented this new story, it was immediately subjected to criticism and eventually shunned. I ended up feeling dejected at how many people never let me finish talking, how it is so easy to just start talking to another person when it's me who is talking. When talking about potential BME advisers. When talking about graduate fellowships. When talking about fellowship. When talking about cute animals by poolside. It is like I'm talking...but not talking. Like at any point people can just exit the conversation. Each of these events is burned into my mind, and is just a reciprocation of the past, the sad sad past of abandonment and neglect and depression and worthlessness. I remember my lack of presence, how people seemed to look over me or not hear me when I talk, like I have a negligible presence...like Kuroko. I tried to talk to the new freshmen that I first met at the fellowship fair and beckoned him to sit next to me, but in the end my mood and my physical illness got the better of me and I don't think I did a good job connecting with him.

In the end I hid in the Cathedral of Learning and the questions started flowing. Why did I bother going to church? What is the purpose of church? Isn't God alone, Christ alone, enough for me? Why can't I just stay at home and watch Francis Chan or Ravi Zacharias or Matt Chandler or Darrin Patrick or Mark Gungor? I seem to learn so much more from their sermons. Why shouldn't I spend the 5 hours on Sundays at home, praying to God and reading scripture by myself, catching up on work, delighting in what God has provided for me in my room? Even my own cooking would taste better than the church food yesterday. I DON'T NEED PEOPLE, ALL I NEED IS GOD!

God decided to use this moment to bonk me (hard) on the head. "It is about love," He said. "It is about humility," He said. "It is about teaching you to be selfless," He said. C.S. Lewis' quote Love is unselfishly choosing for another's highest good popped into my mind. The message of the Gospel, how God loved us even when we were not worth loving at all came to my mind. The point of how Love is supposed to be hard, not easy, came to my mind (man I haven't been convicted like this in a long time).

God didn't let off during Vision School either. He kept on hitting me, drudging memories of my past, like how the Cthaeh does except for my own good. How the young adults ignored me to take high school girls into their apartments to do who-knows-what with them. How my insecure and worldly fellowship at Washu abandoned me when I need them the most, even at the edge of physical and spiritual and emotional and mental death. God told me, "look at all these people in your past who have failed you. Well guess what, you are acting like them right now, all selfish and high and mighty and ignorant and unloving and complaining and about to abandon those I have placed in your path." No I cannot save anyone, only God can do that. But the message of "oh God is enough" that people tell me when I ask them for help is just a freaking big excuse to not love when it is hard for them to love. DO NOT EVER USE GOD AS AN EXCUSE TO NOT LOVE! It is a joke and flies in the face of the purpose of the Body, of the Church. There are verses about accountability and discipleship and helping the poor and faint-hearted and the lost and those near despair. There are verses about being patient and loving to ALL brothers and sisters. We are to be honest with one another, respect one another, care for one another, build one another up, encourage one another, hold one another, keep meeting one another, confess sins to one another, immediately call each other out on sin (but in truth and love and gentleness and a breaking of heart), show hope to one another, and LOVE one another! (Go biblegateway "one another" for the scripture references, or just look here for some, courtesy of Tim Keller). Guess what, I neglected all of these things lately. God is not going to let me neglect the students in Vision School. God is not going to let me neglect the ACF bros. God is not going to let me neglect my GCF guys. God is not going to let me neglect my KC brothers back home. God is not going to let me neglect all those who were faithful to the Cross and loyal to me as a friend all across the US and in the world. God is God and all of this is for His glory, and He is NOT DONE WITH ME! Real genuine love is hard, and it is even harder when loving other broken people with tons of flaws and sins. But that is the point of being a Christian, we are to love those who are hard to love. Only pagans love those who love them back. We love because God first loved us, and have forgiven the unforgivable in us. We love because it teaches us how unloving we truly are, and it humbles us and then it makes God look GREAT!

So yeah, I ended up crying in front of the Vision School staff (for like 5 seconds, then I composed myself...pride). I don't think anyone has seen me cry in Pittsburgh. Yes, the pain and bitterness of the past came up, but it hurt even more that I was doing the same thing as they did to me. As what others did to them too. As what I have also done to hurt people.

So yeah...just another Sunday for me.

(and yes this is what I write when I don't want to finish my NSF personal statement)

To overcome the greatest sin - idolatry (lists are fun)

You can idolize video games,
You can idolize sports,
You can idolize exercise,
You can idolize laziness,
You can idolize your Iphone,
You can idolize a TV show,
You can idolize anime,
You can idolize your clothes,
You can idolize culture,
You can idolize an activist movement,
You can idolize grades,
You can idolize your fantasies,
You can idolize your career,
You can idolize the future,
You can idolize the past,
You can idolize sex,
You can idolize relationships,
You can idolize friendships,
You can idolize your spouse,
You can idolize yourself (pride),
You can idolize looks,
You can idolize your sexuality,
You can idolize people,
You can idolize your nationality/country,
You can idolize feelings,
You can idolize fellowship,
You can idolize songs,
You can even idolize worship for the sake of worship,
But you cannot idolize God

"What is sin?

It is the glory of God not honored.

The holiness of God not reverenced.

The greatness of God not admired.

The power of God not praised.

The truth of God not sought.

The wisdom of God not esteemed.

The beauty of God not treasured.

The goodness of God not savored.

The faithfulness of God not trusted.

The commandments of God not obeyed.

The justice of God not respected.

The wrath of God not feared.

The grace of God not cherished.

The presence of God not prized.

The person of God not loved.

That is sin.”

 - John Piper

“If you are ever going to be an ambassador in the hands of a God of glorious and powerful grace, you must die.
You must die to your plans for your own life.
You must die to your self-focused dreams of success.
You must die to your demands for comfort and ease.
You must die to your individual definition of the good life.
You must die to your demands for pleasure, acclaim, prominence and respect.
You must die to your desire to be in control.
You must die to your hope for independent righteousness.
You must die to your plans for others.
You must die to your craving for a certain lifestyle or that particular location.
You must die to your own kingship.
You must die to the pursuit of your own glory in order to take up the cause of the glory of Another.
You must die to your control over your own time.
You must die to your maintenance of your reputation.
You must die to having the final answer and getting your own way.
You must die to your unfaltering confidence in you.
You must die.”

- Paul Tripp

Nobody said loving was easy

Body of Christ, let’s get to work now. too many people slipping through the cracks and hurting and feeling alone, but we’re too damn comfortable laughing and playing games and sulking in our own misery. don’t think we won’t be held accountable for the people in front of us that we didn’t look after. we can’t save people, but we’re called to so much more than sitting still. you don’t need to be okay to be there for people. you don’t need to be happy or healed or level 10, A+ Christian. take a leap of faith and tell your hurting brother that he’s loved. keep your eyes open for people who sit alone. if you don’t talk to them or approach them, at least pray for them. but don’t you dare close your eyes and forget. remember their names. keep a list. family doesn’t forget family, or neglect it. you don’t have to be anything. do your best. trying is enough. you’ll probably have days when you think you hurt more than you heal, but don’t give up and keep trying. we need each other. get up and move. -VP

And we urge you, brothers and sisters, warn those who are idle and disruptive, encourage the disheartened, help the weak, be patient with everyone. - 1 Thessalonians 5:13

Pray

Pray for those who cannot make it out to LG, or cell group, or PM because of intensity of work, that they can be comforted and reminded that the body is still there for them w/o condemnation.

Pray for people who are slipping away and feeling alone, that we are supposed to be there for one another in Love against this vast and cruel and evil world.

“The greatest disease in the West today is not TB or leprosy; it is being unwanted, unloved, and uncared for. We can cure physical diseases with medicine, but the only cure for loneliness, despair, and hopelessness is love. There are many in the world who are dying for a piece of bread but there are many more dying for a little love. The poverty in the West is a different kind of poverty -- it is not only a poverty of loneliness but also of spirituality. There's a hunger for love, as there is a hunger for God.”― Mother Teresa

Pray for those coming from a Christian background to find God by faith through grace, since 9 of 10 freshmen who grew up in church no longer believe in Christ.

Pray that we aren't afraid to rebuke and teach our brothers and sisters in a gentle loving manner when we see sin. No condemnation. This is the point of accountability and discipleship. This is the point of church.

http://jspark3000.tumblr.com/post/100581583340/what-breaks-my-heart-is-when-you-dont-hear-mine

Pray we love one another in the Body no matter the cost. The difference between a Christian and a nonbeliever is nonbelievers don't have to love when it is hard to love. We are called to love, both when it is easy or when it is hard. As Christians, we do not live in single-serving world. People are not tools to be used but souls that need saving and we have the answer in Hope. We are commanded by Jesus to love one another even more so in the Body, because if we can't love our family, how will we love our neighbor? That means loving and forgiving the stubborn, aloof, hard-to-relate brother or sister because God has already forgiven the unforgivable in you, and loved you when there was nothing at all worth loving in you. We love because it humbles us and makes us become more like Jesus.

To love means loving the unlovable. To forgive means pardoning the unpardonable. Faith means believing the unbelievable. Hope means hoping when everything seems hopeless. — G.K. Chesterton

"Being loved by Jesus makes you love like Jesus" - Brent Campbell

“The worldly man treats certain people kindly because he 'likes' them: the Christian, trying to treat every one kindly, finds him liking more and more people as he goes on - including people he could not even have imagined himself liking at the beginning.” - C.S. Lewis

Pray that Christians be concerned about holiness and serving and being separate from the world and the gospel is being preached to everyone (God is working towards your holiness more than your happiness).