I am finally home after an exhausting 2 weeks of finals, retreats, and leadership meetings. Time to reflect.
Lets start off with Windermere and Catalyst.
After having a deep conversation with several members of ACF, I have found that my personal experiences of loneliness in my search for fellowship was not as unique as once thought. Many people have also found empty promises and rejection from fellowships they attended, or tried to attend, back home during high school. Maybe my circumstances were more severe, or maybe my bitterness just started at a very early age, but otherwise the case studies were all of the same type. Betrayal by Christians, made fun of by Christians, promised fellowship but ignored while the dejected watched from the sidelines while everyone else found joy and happiness in the fellowship.
Something I realized even more this year was how much of my past was attached to the location that is named Camp Windermere. It is just a simple campsite in the middle of nowhere (Lake of the Ozarks) that has a Christian undertone to it. But I have spent many years shaping my childhood and my spiritual walk there. Here is just a list of things that Windermere has a place in my heart:
I remember eating my first salad bar there in the cafeteria with a close childhood friend.
I remember mixing my first drinks there with good ol' childhood friends (blue powerlade and sprite).
I remember playing foozball for the first time in the fireside room, which is now abandoned.
I remember skewering crickets and trying to feed the fishes in front of the cave by the school...didn't really work.
I remember that croutons attached to a string attached to any form of stick worked wonders near the docks, which are all but missing in the middle of May.
I remember flying all sorts of paper airplanes made from pre-made designed sheets of paper from the concrete road that leads into the lake.
I remember when I canoed multiple miles to the other side of the lake, and almost didn't make it to the the next seminar session.
I remember visiting the other caves across the lake with my parents. I guess it was my first time on a boat as well.
I remember when Uncle Wang caught a bat inside a fountain drink cup...this was back when bats weren't endangered and were plentiful near the mouth of the cave.
I remember the one year where the retreat ran out of money and all we had for breakfast was donuts and sweet pastries. Oh how my friend and I longed for hashbrowns, bacon, and eggs.
I remember having a great time with another childhood friend by the lakeside, one whom I never heard from again, until randomly his name escaped from the tongues of two ladies from ACF by pure chance. They met him at a New Year's party on the last day of Urbana. I remember when we would call each other and email each other when and where we would meet next. At the next Labor Day Retreat? At the next Winter CWC Conference? Alas, if I were to ever be mentioned to him now, he wouldn't even recognize my name. Maybe the name Kuang-Pu Lee would spark something in his memory? I've always remembered his...
I remember how the staff at Windermere, Dan and Kathy, who were the ones who led me to accept Christ as my savior...oh I missed the days when I still attended the school on the hill by the cave.
I remember on September 8th, 2008, a certain pastor, a caring friend, and many prayers that leaked from Windermere reached me and compelled me to join ACF and stick with ACF. The verse Luke 10:7 mentioned at Catalyst 2010 really emphasized with this: Stay in that house, eating and drinking whatever they give you, for the worker deserves his wages. Do not move around from house to house. It is reminding me to stick with one fellowship and serve it until I graduate, no matter whats set before me.
I remember the Catalyst of 2009, I tried to leave the campsite on a Wednesday night but was stopped by camp security and told to turn around and return to my cabin. At that point, I felt it was the climax of my relationship with ACF, how one entire year of going to large group and returning to my room empty-hearted and disgusted and wishing God hadn't pulled such a cruel cruel joke on me.
Now my past is laid out before me, I will talk about Catalyst 2010. As my parents just told me, I was way too exhausted to be in any shape to go to the retreat. After gruesome finals, helping people pack late into the wee hours of the morning, Junior Jumpstart, my own packing, and the Chicago FAB trip, my body was bordering on physical collapse. It doesn't help that I was suffering from bronchitis at the time...ugh the chest pains and body aches. I believe I took any and every opportunity to sleep, and otherwise watch my 27 ACF peers enjoy themselves. It was better than I expected, I bonded with the couples there when I feared they would keep to themselves. There was absolutely no logistics during chapter time. Instead we as a fellowship bonded with our new staff worker Esther Wong. For the most part, I was having an internal wrestling match with God about where my loyalties stood: with ACF or with him? Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. I really wanted fellowship for so long, something I was denied during my childhood and adolescence and forced me to mature prematurely, that I was determined to get it no matter at what cost. In the end, it cost my grades, my health, and my mind. I remember sitting in an empty room in the basement of the auditorium, all by myself, struggling for an hour and a half to get past the 3rd page of the Retreat of Silence handout. I couldn't. I was stuck at "Do you feel lonely?" Of course I do, I want some real relationships in ACF like I do outside with my close friends and in GF, but I realized that I put up too many fronts and barriers in relation to my responsibilities and duties to the fellowship. I also feel so lonely in terms of guy-girl relationships. Ever since I opened up to girls and got over my fear of girls, I sometimes wish I was still afraid of girls so I wouldn't think too much. In one semester, I saw seven couples form around me, distancing themselves away from me, and arousing a feeling I never knew existed within me: Jealousy. I was jealous of couples, and even when the two were close friends of mine, I struggled to feel joyful about their relationship and struggled to bless them, especially when I harbored secret feelings for the girl as well. Its been rough...
Well, focusing on the 2nd page, I noticed the quote by Dallas Willard, whom book Hearing God I was reading during the retreat. "The cure to loneliness is solitude and silence, for there you discover in how many ways you never were alone." Clearly he is asking me to look deep into the past and count my blessings one by one. There in the dark I tried, but the buzz from the trimmer outside cut into my concentration, and I all I ended up doing was throw chairs around in anguish. The question "are there ways you've leaving campus discouraged, due to tiredness, lack of reconciliation with someone, or something else?" really hit me. Yes, I was exhausted from school when coming to Catalyst, and yes I have 3 people in ACF I need to reconcile with. And I'm not going to be PC about it I guess. One of people only accidentally wronged me, probably...if he was doing what he does on purpose, then I will probably have to smack some morals into his head. The other two...one of them was partially my fault, the other is deeply tied to my past, so its partially my fault to. Either way, I'll figure something out...hopefully. So in the end, I wrestled with my sins for a long time and really never gave them up until I burned them later on flash paper. Even then, I had to write them multiple times into the sand before I could recognize them and confront them. Well, they were the same sins I mention in my other blog posts, but now I know that my problem is that I need to fix my relationship with God first.
At this point I looked back at my notes from last Catalyst at http://diendiendien.blogspot.com/2009/05/blog-post.html
Yeah...sounds about right.
Only when I lose myself will I find myself. That's what I've learned. Tomorrow (or maybe next Sunday) I will talk with the retired pastor from my church. I want to know how he dealt with the pain of being excommunicated by the church he built with his own two hands, how he handled running away from his pastoral position (and family) to do research, how during his sermons he mentioned attempting to run away 7 times within the last few years of his ministry. I want to know how and why leaders burn out, and how to find motivation and support in a broken community. I want to know, and I shall seek.
I got one entire summer to reflect and fix my relationship with God. I hope its enough. Then I have to figure out how to balance missions with research and graduate school. I also need to fix my image of myself...exercise should do the trick. And I shall build a strong community within the ACF and GF people left in STL during this summer. Somehow, just somehow, I will deal with my internal jealousy or else it will destroy me this summer. If you read this, please pray for me about this, because it will be my greatest struggle this summer. Bitterness as well, but that was sooooo last November.
I said HOPE at the end of the last summer and last Catalyst, and I shall say HOPE again.
Romans 5:1-5:
Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance;4perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Monday, May 10, 2010
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Words of Wisdom
I will use this blog to make me a better person:
People who are not good looking actually have a better chance of finding real love. Its because they know fully that their partner loves them for who they are. Beautiful people will always doubt in their mind, even by the tiniest amount, that their partner loves them only for their physical beauty. For some beautiful people, that is all they want. But for most, that is not enough.
Do not hold onto the key to your heart tightly to your chest. Do not clutch it so dearly that God cannot use it to unlock doors that lead to opportunities and saving. But do not hold it out at arm's length, giving it to her, to him, to that person, to this person, begging them to take it. It will be taken from you and misused.
The purpose of a relationship is to be selfless. It is much too often for the purpose of selfishness. A person has to accept being single, and be happy being single, or else they face destruction. The hole in one's hard cannot be filled by another person, only God. One has to be prepared that their calling is to be single the rest of one's life. Only then can you be ready to be in a relationship.
How does fully understand love? How can one understand what it means to be unconditional and sacrificial?
Feelings develop often and fast, like lightning, but to be able to say "I think she might be the one for me" takes time and prayer.
You will only find yourself when you lose yourself.
When I look at myself, I feel like I victimize myself way too often. That incident during sophomore year in high school resulted in my fear to play the piano in front of others. My fingers no longer know the joy of creating beautiful music that calms the confused and tumultuous heart. But I still play in the basement of Liggett to calm my own heart. Music is just the voices of angels.
I watched my childhood friend leave, never to look back. I watched my home violated and looted. I watched my parents fight and hurt one another. I watched my church betray and then ignore me. I watch as my fellowship enter sickness and despair. I watched as the girl I liked and cared for all my life slap me in the face with reality and cruelness, causing me to fear girls and doubt myself for the longest time. I watch as the world light up with smoke and fire as it devours itself. I ask God "why, why, WHY does suffering and pain happen to me?" Alas, maybe I say too many whys, and count my misfortune one too many times. I should spend more time counting my blessings, one by one.
I complain and wallow in my bitterness too much. I live with hatred and bitterness in my heart, and look with my eyes all day long with sadness. But I see suffering all around me, people who are worse off than me. And they have Joy.
My mom has Joy. My mom has been through four (at least) surgeries. She has faced cancer many times on so many fronts. But the reason why she keeps on fighting, as she tells me, is so that she can live and protect my brother and me. She has the will to live so that my brother and I can have the caring and nurture we deserve. She has the will to live so that I can experience what Love truly is. And she finds Joy in the ultimate calling God has given her.
I chose BME for one reason: to help others, specifically a friend who has muscular dystrophy. As of right now, it is too late for him. It is too late for me to do anything to help. Confined to a wheelchair, he knows he will never live a normal life and will die young. He knows he will never find a girl in his life that will love him and be with him. He will never have romance. But he can still stand up in the light of his struggles and have a smile on his face. He has Joy. And I can only fathom how much it means to him that I live and help him get the most out of this world. Every time I meet his parents, they will never cease to thank me for what I have unconsciously and inconsequentially done on whims. But that is Love. If the only reason I should never try to leave this world early, it would be for the people whom life I have touched, and for the many more lives in the future I will meet, get involved in, and save.
Sometimes I complain a lot. And then something happens that shows me how pathetic my suffering is. My friend's apartment can burn down, and all his possessions are lost. Yet he can continue to live on with life, saying "well, no point in moping, there is nothing I can do but to continue on with life." That is all life is, to do one's best and don't regret.
I wonder what it is like to be persecuted, but I already know I've been persecuted. A pastor once told me that if I don't find persecution outside AND inside the church, I am not really doing much for the kingdom. I hope I can love unconditionally. I hope I can love sacrificially.
Lets just say, I always know the answers to my problems, even when I tell you I don't. I've had enough experience, discipleship, counseling, training, and sharing to know that the answer to life is 42. But I guess knowing the answer is not enough. I don't understand my answers, and most of the time choose not to. So is life really all about the road and not where it leads?
(k, preaching done, back to work)
People who are not good looking actually have a better chance of finding real love. Its because they know fully that their partner loves them for who they are. Beautiful people will always doubt in their mind, even by the tiniest amount, that their partner loves them only for their physical beauty. For some beautiful people, that is all they want. But for most, that is not enough.
Do not hold onto the key to your heart tightly to your chest. Do not clutch it so dearly that God cannot use it to unlock doors that lead to opportunities and saving. But do not hold it out at arm's length, giving it to her, to him, to that person, to this person, begging them to take it. It will be taken from you and misused.
The purpose of a relationship is to be selfless. It is much too often for the purpose of selfishness. A person has to accept being single, and be happy being single, or else they face destruction. The hole in one's hard cannot be filled by another person, only God. One has to be prepared that their calling is to be single the rest of one's life. Only then can you be ready to be in a relationship.
How does fully understand love? How can one understand what it means to be unconditional and sacrificial?
Feelings develop often and fast, like lightning, but to be able to say "I think she might be the one for me" takes time and prayer.
You will only find yourself when you lose yourself.
When I look at myself, I feel like I victimize myself way too often. That incident during sophomore year in high school resulted in my fear to play the piano in front of others. My fingers no longer know the joy of creating beautiful music that calms the confused and tumultuous heart. But I still play in the basement of Liggett to calm my own heart. Music is just the voices of angels.
I watched my childhood friend leave, never to look back. I watched my home violated and looted. I watched my parents fight and hurt one another. I watched my church betray and then ignore me. I watch as my fellowship enter sickness and despair. I watched as the girl I liked and cared for all my life slap me in the face with reality and cruelness, causing me to fear girls and doubt myself for the longest time. I watch as the world light up with smoke and fire as it devours itself. I ask God "why, why, WHY does suffering and pain happen to me?" Alas, maybe I say too many whys, and count my misfortune one too many times. I should spend more time counting my blessings, one by one.
I complain and wallow in my bitterness too much. I live with hatred and bitterness in my heart, and look with my eyes all day long with sadness. But I see suffering all around me, people who are worse off than me. And they have Joy.
My mom has Joy. My mom has been through four (at least) surgeries. She has faced cancer many times on so many fronts. But the reason why she keeps on fighting, as she tells me, is so that she can live and protect my brother and me. She has the will to live so that my brother and I can have the caring and nurture we deserve. She has the will to live so that I can experience what Love truly is. And she finds Joy in the ultimate calling God has given her.
I chose BME for one reason: to help others, specifically a friend who has muscular dystrophy. As of right now, it is too late for him. It is too late for me to do anything to help. Confined to a wheelchair, he knows he will never live a normal life and will die young. He knows he will never find a girl in his life that will love him and be with him. He will never have romance. But he can still stand up in the light of his struggles and have a smile on his face. He has Joy. And I can only fathom how much it means to him that I live and help him get the most out of this world. Every time I meet his parents, they will never cease to thank me for what I have unconsciously and inconsequentially done on whims. But that is Love. If the only reason I should never try to leave this world early, it would be for the people whom life I have touched, and for the many more lives in the future I will meet, get involved in, and save.
Sometimes I complain a lot. And then something happens that shows me how pathetic my suffering is. My friend's apartment can burn down, and all his possessions are lost. Yet he can continue to live on with life, saying "well, no point in moping, there is nothing I can do but to continue on with life." That is all life is, to do one's best and don't regret.
I wonder what it is like to be persecuted, but I already know I've been persecuted. A pastor once told me that if I don't find persecution outside AND inside the church, I am not really doing much for the kingdom. I hope I can love unconditionally. I hope I can love sacrificially.
Lets just say, I always know the answers to my problems, even when I tell you I don't. I've had enough experience, discipleship, counseling, training, and sharing to know that the answer to life is 42. But I guess knowing the answer is not enough. I don't understand my answers, and most of the time choose not to. So is life really all about the road and not where it leads?
(k, preaching done, back to work)
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