Memories of the last 2 years

Finding C and H longboarding near the shortcut to Fifth and they gave me a hug when I was feeling lonely. Most random and seemingly whimsical event, yet it stayed strong in my head even till now.

That one time when I posted a FB status that accidentally and inadvertently gave the impression I was kidnapped and P freaked out and called me during class to make sure I wasn't actually in danger, to my surprise and gratefulness. I was really happy that someone actually cared. Also starting from that moment I became on guard on how my future posts could be interpreted.

The night K and I watching all of Halo 2-4 cutscenes and Halo Forward Unto Dawn. Ah and of course playing Halo 2 with K and JLim. Watching K struggle against honor guard elites was the best.

Hanging out with V and hearing his testimony of getting out of drugs and into the missions movement, ending with late night adventures to IHOP and eventually the airport.

The night after T convicted and rebuked me for not truly understanding the Gospel, leading me to pull an all nighter and reading a good amount of the NT in one go to satisfy my hunger to understand. Not going to lie, it was one of a very very few times I found true peace in reading the Word of God. Rarely does that happen, where reading scripture turns from just routine and studious into something real and life giving. But thats the point, I felt it once and I know it was the real deal, so that even if I don't feel anything now or get no reaction when I read my Bible, I can always look back to that moment and know what is real is still real, and everything will be okay.

Several of the prayer meetings were very memorable...the ones where many people came and we stayed till past midnight as we shared and cried and hurt and encouraged and gave thanks and just prayed for one another. Ah I should just share some from the doc...

Surprisingly, I found the camping trip to be a lot of fun, and I was really really happy no one tried to flirt or hook up with one another. Like, this is the first time I've seen this.

I miss the nights in undergrad when we would just stay up laying on the carpet and just talk about life, usually ending with how we still believe God is good and that though it is hard, we trust He is still working in our lives.

Those 4 hours in NYC. It is too bad it was only a dream. But it is okay. Christ is enough for me, always.

True love is one that lasts even through betrayal, where trust has been eroded away. Wasn't that the case on the Cross? Bah, to think I would learn this from Kelsier...

I truly appreciate G and everyone who has ever complimented me for my knowledge of scripture, theology, and general Christian news, but at the end of the day, instead of being known for my knowledge, I would rather be known as the guy who cared. 4 years ago, even 2 years ago, no one would have recognized me for knowing what I know now, but I have always been that person who lived for others. Mebbe I've grown more selfish. I gained all this knowledge not to puff myself up (heheh) but to bring people closer to Christ. But I know that most of the time, it is the arm embracing, the ear listening, and the heart caring and breaking that reveals the kind of Love poured out from the Cross. That is what I strive for, alway strive for, as I continue to live in this world.

Devo post #9 and #10

5/31/15

Galatians 3:2-6

I would like to learn just one thing from you: Did you receive the Spirit by the works of the law, or by believing what you heard? 3 Are you so foolish? After beginning by means of the Spirit, are you now trying to finish by means of the flesh? 4 Have you experienced so much in vain—if it really was in vain? 5 So again I ask, does God give you his Spirit and work miracles among you by the works of the law, or by your believing what you heard? 6 So also Abraham “believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness.”

Well...this seems very action based. We get the Holy Spirit from believing. That is all we have to do under grace. The second most important message here is that we cannot earn grace nor is our salvation purchased by our works, and that we shouldn’t switch mindsets after we realize what the Gospel is. Yes, when people fall into legalism, it is because they forgot this part of the Gospel: that our salvation is through belief and through Grace, not works. Therefore, the word “try” really doesn’t fit Christians as God gives us the ability to believe (if you are are hardcore Calvinists) and our belief then transitions into faith. God before and God after. Sometimes I wonder how that looks in reality as we always tend to fall towards a “try try try” mentality. Does it just mean we wait for God to ignite our heart to have passion for prayer, scripture reading, and loving others? Do we attempt to work towards those things by ourselves, knowing that we are doing the impossible and thus when we find we have really developed a sincere passion for those things, we are able to credit God then?

Yes, a lot of times I feel like the things I am doing are done in vain. But the moment something good comes out of it, I can confidently say that it wasn’t my doing in my life, but the Holy Spirit’s doing. That is the point. The moment we can “feel” God again, we won’t say “ah its because I was reading scripture 4 hours a day or praying 4 hours a day or serving at church/fellowship 40 hours a week or giving 50% of my salary to missions or even devoting my entire life to preaching the Gospel in India or Turkey” but because I know that it is truly God moving me forward with His power and His grace and His love. God’s sovereignty in a nutshell.

 

5/22/15

Galatians 5:6

For in Christ Jesus neither circumcision nor uncircumcision has any value. The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love.

Merrrr. Mah theme verse for the year. Fitting that God made this the verse I come back to after not doing devoes for like…(22-8) 14 days (2 weeks!?!?). After doing devotions on this document for almost 4 years, I definitely realize that the verses I come upon and specific days are so relevant for that day that it really can’t be coincidence. Especially when I take breaks from doing devotions. Like today. I’m sure I’ve remarked on them earlier too.

What is faith? What is love? I think these are the two questions that need answering before I can fully understand this passage. But at least on the surface level, the only thing that matters is love. Not intelligence, not talent, not skill, not anything born from man for love is born from God. That means my training doesn’t really amount to anything unless I use it to show love. That means being made uncomfortable. That means listening to the Holy Spirit in doing things I do not like. That means caring for people that I don’t have a good reason to care for. That means putting effort into the Body because I am compelled by Christ. That means building people up instead of beating them down. It means praying for those poor Christians in Iraq and Syria who are being killed or raped or forced to flee. Ugh just praying more in general for people, instead of not praying or just praying for myself. Haha Gordon you have no idea how lacking of a prayer life I have. Will need to change that. Well, need to ask for a heart that is willing to change first, then allow the Holy Spirit to work in that new heart. So much effort, but none from me.

I guess the question in my mind is this: did I show enough love in my faith these last 2 years? Or was I really selfish in how I behaved or my lack of action? It is very hard to not link the lack of farewells at the time of my graduation to me not making an impact at CMU. Was I not a good big brother to the ACF guys? Did I try too hard avoiding the girls to prevent me from doing stupid things like flirt with them who are 4-7 years younger than me? Didn’t I join this fellowship knowing I will not find my future wife there and I was okay with that? At least I didn’t end up crying all night before graduation because people told me I was never part of the fellowship and I was never a brother to them. At least that didn’t happen, but just because something so awful didn’t happen doesn’t make the situation bittersweet. I don’t want to be known as the “knowledgeable” person, I wanted to be known as the guy who really cared, the guy who was always willing to help or be there for people. I wanted to be known as the guy who loves. I don’t think I accomplished that. But is it really my place to say I accomplished or didn’t accomplish within God’s sovereignty? What if fruit was born from my actions? What if fruit was born despite my actions? What if my actions bore fruit but I will never be credited for it? Is that okay? It is okay, but am I okay with that? Will I just be another ACF alumni that people forget in name and face within 3 months? Will I be remembered for something, at least for 3 more years? Did I encourage people enough to take that step into the cruel and hurtful “real” world? Will I continue to encourage them once they are there?

Ugh so many questions, yet again. I should probably say “it doesn’t matter” because “I got Jesus.” I just need my heart to realize that.

I thank you Lord for the opportunities the past 2 years for my growth and the smallest chances that I aided in other people’s edification.

Be faithful to God in the little things. The daily things. Those will reveal your heart more than trying to figure out whether a big decision will glorify Him or not.

Why is there such a fine line between beating someone down and building someone up?

I was broken once. Completely and utterly defeated.

But God brought me back.

Now I live my life for you all. Everyone of you. I want to do my best, even if it is dirty rags, to show you all Love and the Gospel through my actions.

Even just a little, let me care for you. Let me into your life.

Listening to Narnia

To keep myself from falling asleep during the drive from DC back to Pittsburgh, I decided to turn on the Chronicles of Narnia audiobooks. It has been almost a decade and a half since the last time I’ve read them, and a little longer still since I watched the original TV series on the small CRT in Auntie Sandy’s minivan. It is just like what Jack (C.S. Lewis) said, that adults get more out of children’s stories than children. I can finally call myself an adult right?

“Well, I do think someone might have arranged about our meals,” said Digory.

“I’m sure Aslan would have, if you’d asked him,” said Fledge.

“Wouldn’t he know without being asked?” said Polly.

“I’ve no doubt he would,” said the Horse (still with his mouth full). “But I’ve a sort of idea he likes to be asked.”

The first book I listened to was the Magician’s Nephew. As the narrator proclaimed, this story is about Creation as God intended in Genesis, with trust and betrayal and forgiveness all tied into it. In the entire book, this part stood out to me the most, where Fledge the flying horse attempted to explain the heart of God/Aslan to the two children. We know that God is omniscient, that He knows everything, but does God really like to be asked for requests? Hmmmmm I will have to stew on this for a while. This is part of prayer isn’t it? As Jesus, Paul, and James explained? But what happens to those who don’t believe at all in the power of prayer?

“Aslan?” said Mr. Beaver. “Why, don’t you know? He’s the King. He’s the Lord of the whole wood, but not often here, you understand. Never in my time or my father’s time. But the word has reached us that he has come back. He is in Narnia at this moment He’ll settle the White Queen all right. It is he, not you, that will save Mr. Tumnus.”

Going into the second book chronologically, which was actually the first book published in the series, several other passages stood out, including this one. Oh and I didn’t know that a Faun holding an umbrella was the image that started the entire series, and that Jack used to play in his grandfather’s wardrobe with his friends/siblings. Kudos to Lewis’s adopted son for telling me that. This part of the story really stood out to me because the children, especially Peter and Lucy, really wanted to save Mr. Tumnus from Queen Tardis/White Witch. But what Mr. Beaver kept repeating (like a million times) in sound theology was that no human or creature can truly save another, only Aslan can. “It is he, not you.” That is always a huge thorn in my side, because I really really want to help everyone I meet. I want to solve their problems. I don’t just want to be there and care and listen, I want everyone to be joyful, to be at peace in life, to not be weighed down by the cruelties and sufferings of this world. But I know I can’t. Too often I can’t even take care of myself, lest another person. Too often I can only stand there and watch people cry and break down. I am weak and unable to save a soul, and that is reality. That is why I must find my Aslan, for it is He who is coming to save those who are oppressed and turned to stone.

“Is—is he a man?” asked Lucy.

“Aslan a man!” said Mr. Beaver sternly. “Certainly not. I tell you he is the King of the wood and the son of the great Emperor-beyond-the-Sea. Don’t you know who is the King of Beasts? Aslan is a lion—the Lion, the great Lion.”

“Ooh!” said Susan, “I’d thought he was a man. Is he—quite safe? I shall feel rather nervous about meeting a lion.”

“That you will, dearie, and no mistake,” said Mrs. Beaver; “if there’s anyone who can appear before Aslan without their knees knocking, they’re either braver than most or else just silly.”

“Then he isn’t safe?” said Lucy.

“Safe?” said Mr. Beaver; “don’t you hear what Mrs. Beaver tells you? Who said anything about safe? ’Course he isn’t safe. But he’s good. He’s the King, I tell you.”

Mmmmm. This part. Gold. Christianity isn’t safe. It will destroy your life. God isn’t safe, hence why we always say to fear God. But we have to remember that God is good. He is good. He is good. And He is our King.

One of the things that bothered me was how much of a prick and scumbag Edmund was in the story. Like, I totally forgot how freaking dirty he was until I listened to the story again. Man I wanted to like…reach into my car’s stereo and punch the little brat. Ya, just like Peter calls him, he is a total beast. But of the four children, Edmund personifies the human race. Of the four children, I am Edmund. Reality hits home. He was the son of Adam that Aslan brought back to the side of good by allowing Himself to be sacrificed instead, just like Christ took the place on the Cross for me and removing God’s wrath from my destiny. Ya, realizing that was a sobering fact on the drive while driving on the Pennsylvania Turnpike. I still want to kick Edmund in the rear end though.

I think I like the lyrics to this song. Japanese song lyrics are so much better than english ones (show me a song that has better lyrics than these). It is like singing a poem, one crafted in the depths of a creative heart.

Ano Hi Taimu Mashin

Time Machine to That Day

Start to run, facing front.
I drew with numb fingers in the sky,
Lighting the blessings in your future.
Cut through, with those hands.
Can you hear this voice?
Embrace the ability to laugh honestly.
Now, start to run. 

Even if only a little, my fingertips are dyed an adult color.
As if embarrassed, I softly hide them. 
With your chin in your hands, in front of your field of vision,
A small flower bud was slowly swaying.

Hey, for me, who always hesitates,
Even now, I think of those words you sent me.

Start to run, facing front.
I drew with numb fingers in the sky,
Lighting the blessings in your future.
Cut through, with those hands.
Can you hear this voice?
Embrace the ability to laugh honestly.
Now, start to run. 

Even though I am reluctant to think of how good the past was,
There are still feelings I want to recover.
My eyes fill with the me who pushes me from behind,
a vision piled on top of sprouting flower buds. 

I will triumph over time, and someday again,
I want to be able to boast of that day long gone,
I will even carry a clock that runs backwards.  
Cut through, with those hands.
Are you laughing? It's just like me,
To hold tightly to these feelings I can't let go.
Now, start to run. 

Hey, for me, who always hesitates,
Even now, I think of those words you sent me.
Dye the future your color.

Start to run, facing front.
I drew with numb fingers in the sky,
Lighting the blessings in your future.
Cut through, with those hands.
Can you hear this voice?
Embrace the ability to laugh honestly.
Now, start to run. 

I will triumph over time, and someday again,
I want to be able to boast of that day long gone,
I will even carry a clock that runs backwards.  
Cut through, with those hands.
Are you laughing? It's just like me,
To hold tightly to these feelings I can't let go.
Now, start to run.        

Before my mind decides otherwise, I just want to put here that sharing night today was wonderful.

"We are a family of brothers and sisters."

"Be a blessing to others."

"Looking heavenward means glorifying and worshiping God, focusing on eternity. That means grades and earthly things, though may still need stewardship, are not the priority."

Romans 5:3-6 Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly.